The apartment is dark and in absolute silence. I feel like my clothes are impregnated with today´s events. I tear them off my body and toss them into a corner, leaving only my underwear on. I throw the folder into another corner as if by shoving it away I could undo all the damage it has done to me. I drop myself on the couch and try to sleep. But when the lights go off there are voices that speak to me and torment me. They disappear when I switch on the lamp, but then I´m invaded by the fear of silence. It seems illogical, but silence isn´t mute, it has a voice. No matter what I do, the night doesn´t leave me at peace.   

-HAHAHAAHHAHAHAHHAHHA

My laughter is louder and more painful than ever. 

-SHUT UP!!- yells the neighbor from above.

I don´t even know who lives there… 

I walk back and forth, I lean against the kitchen wall and slide down until I´m sitting on the floor. I´m losing my connection to reality. I feel like I´m falling freely into a void. There´s nothing that can catch me, nothing that can save me. The scenes repeat themselves over and over again in front of my eyes like a horror movie and no matter how hard I try, I can´t stop them. I don´t want this anymore!! Please!! I start hitting my head against the wall to make my mind shut up. There´s so much noise in here!!! I want it to stop, I want it to stop!!!          

But I achieve nothing. And then my eyes fall on the fridge. To freeze the thoughts, to freeze the feelings. That´s it!! I open the door and start emptying the contents, tossing aside the shelves and whatever foods I find until there's enough space to fit my body.  

After closing the door, everything goes absolutely dark, I can´t see anything. I shake for several minutes until my body yields to the cold and begins to go numb. The same thing happens to my thoughts. Time seems to stop, my heartbeat slows down until I can barely feel it. I don´t hear anything, I don´t feel anything…is this what it feels like to die?  

Something brings me vaguely back to conscience. Everything is still dark, I don´t feel my body, but I believe I can hear something in the distance…a voice…it seems to come from far, far away.

-Arthur?

Who is it? I know that voice.

-Arthur, you left the door open!! 

The voice comes closer, but where is it? Where am I? I hear noises and footsteps nearing. 

-Arthur!!!

And suddenly…everything lights up! A shining light hits my eyelids and I slowly open my eyes. I´m disorientated. 

-Arthur!!! 

-S-Sophie??- I mumble.

My eyes adjust to the light and then I make out Sophie´s features. 

-Arthur, what are you doing here?- she asks, thunderstruck.

My lips tremble and I´m unable to speak. Sophie takes my hand.

-Come.

I take a step outside but I can barely feel my legs. My knees give in and I fall into Sophie´s arms who stops me from hitting the floor. She lifts me from under my armpits and I lean on her shoulders. Even though I´m so skinny, my body is still too heavy for her. I don´t know how she manages to guide me all the way to the living room where my legs finally surrender and I fall on the couch in a sitting position. The apartment is spinning, the ground moves underneath my feet. What happened? I feel Sophie´s hands on my naked arms. Where are my clothes? 

-You´re freezing, Arthur. How long have you been in there?

I don´t know. I´m confused. I can´t speak. My eyes get lost on a random spot on the floor. It´s as if my body was separated from my thoughts.     

Sophie puts her fingers on my wrist and takes my pulse. 

-Oh my God…

Under the pillow on which I sleep on this very same couch is a red shirt I wear to bed sometimes. Sophie finds it and unbuttons it. 

-Let me put this on you…

She helps me dress, guiding my arms through the sleeves. Then she takes the blanket I sleep with at night, puts it around my shoulders and rubs my arms to warm my body. Suddenly my arms and legs start to feel again and I begin to shiver with cold. My head aches and I remember hitting myself earlier. I remember the fridge. I see the folder from the hospital on the floor and then I remember everything clearly. 

-Arthur…what happened? Why where you there?

I look up and search desperately for her eyes. Sophie is kneeling on the carpet in front of me, looking at me with concern and waiting for answers. I want to reply but my numb lips can´t form a single word.

- Did someone hurt you?

- …

- Arthur, talk to me…please, say something.

- I-I…

I can´t. I can´t breathe, I feel like I´m drowning. 

-Breathe. Breathe with me.- says Sophie, taking my hands. 

She breathes in and out slowly and I try to do the same. It takes me a while until I catch my breath again and when I finally bring myself to speak, my voice sounds like that of a ghost. 

- I had a bad day…

My eyes wander to the file on the floor. Sophie follows them and she sees it, too. 

-Does it have anything to do with this?- she asks, picking up the folder without letting go of my hand. 

-Mhm.

I take my eyes away from that thing as if it was the devil itself. 

-It´s alright…don´t worry. I won´t open it if you don´t want me to. 

I hesitate for a moment, but with a gesture I let her know that it´s ok if she opens it, for I have no courage to reproduce the contents with my own words. I wouldn´t even know where to start. 

Sophie lets go of my hand and carefully opens the folder. Her lips move, forming silent words as she reads. My legs begin to shake.

- Hahahaha.

My laughing starts softly and escalates as Sophie turns the pages. Her eyes become glassy and I see that she´s holding her breath. I look down. I can´t look at her. 

-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

- Holy God…

Sophie closes the folder and leaves it on the floor. She puts her hands on my knees. When I finally dare to look up, I see a tear rolling down her cheek. She´s like a mirror in which I see all of my pain reflected and tears begin to fall from my own eyes, multiplying hers.   

- Arthur…- Sophie whispers with a voice so soft that is fades - Arthur…for the love of God, what did they do to you…?-

- I…- I begin in between sobs - I had a stuffed toy, a little clown…-

It´s hard to form any words.

-And one day… my mother´s boyfriend took it away from me.

Sophie´s hands rub my knees as I speak. And I go on. 

-He said…he said if I cried, I would never see it again. And then he…he…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

My laughter fades and only the crying remains.

And upon seeing me heartbroken, Sophie does something I did not expect. She takes me in her arms. She holds my shaking body firmly and gently, and she lets me cry on her shoulder. I cry in pain and in surprise, for I believed that after knowing what they did to me, Sophie would never want to touch me again. I cry because it´s the first time that someone hugs me, I cry because in her arms I feel human. I cry because of her touch that is the cure, and because of the truth that is the wound. I cry until my tears have entirely soaked her blouse.   

She strokes my back with one hand and my head with the other. 

- Shhhh, it´s ok…- she whispers in my ear - Nobody will ever again hurt you…- 

Sophie´s arms hold me tighter. Our bodies intertwine and I can feel her heartbeat. 

- Why d-did she allow those things to be d-done to me? She let them t-turn me into this…into this thing…

 - Arthur… how I wish I could lend you my eyes…so you would see what I see. 

Sophie carefully separates me from her shoulder and lifts my chin but her face looks blurry through my tears. She wipes my face with the sleeve of her blouse. First she dries my eyes and after blinking a few times, I can see her face clearly. She wipes one cheek and the other and then my nose.   

- The pain will go away. You´ll see that one day you´ll smile again…and there will be no more reasons to cry. 

And then Sophie cups my face with her hands and she kisses my forehead. I close my eyes and a sigh comes out of my chest. A feeling impossible to put into words invades every corner of my body. Is this what people call love? 

All I can do is watch her and let the comfort of her touch wash over me in silence. I don´t know how much time goes by like this. Time is so relative… The cold that I felt before has transformed into a warm sensation. I'm no longer shivering. And for the first time in several days, I feel sleepy.    

- Your beautiful eyes are closing…- says Sophie - Come, you need to rest.-

She gets up, takes my hand and guides me to the bedroom. I sit down on the bed, not knowing what to do. I don´t usually sleep here. I´ve always slept on the couch. 

-Come on, lay down.- says Sophie, moving the blanket aside.  

My body feels so heavy, I have no strength to remain seated. So I drop myself on the pillow but I don´t take my eyes away from Sophie for a single second. They feel tired after so much crying and I can barely keep them open. But I fear that if I close them and open them again, Sophie will be gone. She sits on the side of the bed and pulls the blanket over my body up to my waist. Her eyes watch me in silence and she rubs my forearm with her hand, waiting for me to fall asleep. I can no longer tell where reality ends and where dreams begin. 

-Sophie…are you real?

She frowns with concern, pushes my hair back and feels my forehead. 

-You have a fever, Arthur…

Then Sophie must be a hallucination. She seems so real and at times so impossible. She seems to come from a different world, a world of illusion where there´s no pain or sorrow…and where people are kind. 

-You´ll be alright, sweetheart. Everything´s going to be alright…- she whispers, softly brushing her fingers across my cheeks. 

I convince myself that she is a mirage, a beautiful fantasy created by my tormented mind. But this mirage speaks to me with a clear voice. This mirage that resembles an angel, and nonetheless has the hands of a woman, comes to me and sits by my side. And those hands touch me, those lips kiss me and that heart loves me. 

If it´s an illusion, let it be so. Why can´t I stay in this small place in my imagination where someone loves me and takes care of me? What´s wrong with living in a world of dreams to not die of reality? 

And then Sophie leans over me and presses her lips to mine. They´re soft and warm and her kiss is as gentle as the touch of a butterfly´s wing. A tear runs down my cheek. My lips form a half smile and I thank my mind for creating this moment for me. 

- Don´t cry…- says Sophie - Tomorrow will be another day… and you will feel better.-  

- Don´t go…please, don´t leave me alone…I want to keep dreaming about you.

- Don´t worry, Arthur. I´ll stay by your side until you´ve fallen asleep.

But ain´t I already sleeping? 

Sophie puts her hand on my chest, just above the heart and her beautiful voice sings to me softly. 

- I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh…I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away…

The worst is over now and we can breathe again…I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away… 

There´s so much left to learn and no one left to fight…I wanna hold you high and steal your pain… 

Sophie moves her hands to her head and she loosens the blue strip that holds her hair. Of all the colors she wears, this one is my favorite. She takes my left hand and ties the strip around my wrist. 

-When you wake up and see this, you'll know that everything was real, that I am real…and that I love you..

NOTE: The lyrics from Sophie´s song belong to Seether and Amy Lee (Broken).