Pot Two Round of 4 Results
Well we have quite the interesting turn of events here. EllieHall has withdrawn from the contest (a shame, considering the judges put you through to the next round!) and paolojcruz has reappeared - not your fault at all, my friend. Circumstances entirely out of your control appear to have invaded this contest and I speak for all when I say that we're glad you're here!
That said, the show must go on, and that means Reverentia & jewel1307 are gonna' be competing for a spot in the Grand Final!
But 'cos I'm a nice chap, here's what the judges had to say!
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EllieHall VS jewel1307 VS Reverentia
1 - 0.5 - 2
' EllieHall Jewel1307 Reverentia. A threesome and not the good kind. I did not enjoy judging this, because the stories were all so good.
My first pick to proceed would have to be @Reverentia. Out of the three, theirs was the nicest to read just because it was, in my opinion, written the best. I quickly learnt about the character and could picture the scene quite well.
My second pick is... EllieHall . As interesting and as cool as the concept behind Jewel's story seemed, the ending confused me and I just really loved the emotion's in Ellie's piece, with the healer giving up her life to save the woman who accidentally killed the children so she could die with them.'
'I have to be honest. I read Jewel's entry and thought it would be tough to beat. These were some great entries. However, Reverentia's entry floored me with how well it was done. The intensity of the battle and realistic portrayal of emotion was something I couldn't ignore. The details written into the narrative sucked me in. I tasted blood and dreamed of a woman with that much strength and heart. I dug deep, but there were no notable issues with grammar, tense or POV, and if there were I was too entranced with the story to notice. My hands down favorite was Reventria.
Then our little showdown was turned into a three way. I'm glad that happened. Ellie's entry was great. I loved how unique and interesting the idea was. Yet I wasn't able to connect to the story well enough to change my mind. I went with my original opinion, sticking with Jewel's entry. So I give the nod to Jewel and Reventria.'
' "Border Skirmish" by Reverentia
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The premise is that in the future, people like to see men kill sexy women for sport. Why? I'd like some explanation for how society turned to such extreme misogyny.
"As for my clothing, apparently a spaceship and a negligee had a baby" I like this description. :)
"Reality is painted faces in circus." Something isn't right with this sentence. "Reality is a painted face in a circus." ???
"He drops like a sack of potatoes onto the dusty ground." This is a tired image. I know you can do better.
The proposal is quite weird, coming where it does in the story. I feel like this is a clue to how this twisted society got to be the way it is, but I don't know how to read it.
Deeply engaging story, but where's the ending? Our heroine is in a tight spot, and we want to see how she escapes (and she has to escape).
"The Pieces Fit" by Jewel1307
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The word "rouse" seems to be a typo. Should it be "trap" or "ruse?"
"threads of strangers conversations" => "threads of strangers' conversations
"Rose cursed Intel for their assurances" I work in high performance computing, so I curse Intel too. ;-)
"stick to me like glue" a tired metaphor. I know you can do better.
"He is using your desire for the abolition of mandatory inclusion of GE ingredients in food to take down communications. The Temple bombing was nothing more than a cover for him to release a virus that prevents connection to the Web. He called it The Luminae Project. Only the virus mutated. People are dying."
This is complicated and hard to follow. After reading it several times, this is what I think I understand. There is some movement to eliminate GE (which I presume is Genetically Enhanced) ingredients in food. Apparently, this movement contains terrorists who set off a bomb at "the Temple" (I don't know what that refers to.). Anyhow, someone involved in this plot created a virus which was designed to affect the neuron-machine interface that people use to connect to the web, but it mutated. You should probably strip this down to something like: "A group of terrorists created a virus designed to permanently disable the neuron-web interface. Unfortunately, the virus mutated and became deadly."
I'm not sure what the decoy craft is doing, or why it needs to be replaced.
"Without further warning, Kasper pulled the trigger, aiming for Micah's chest. Rose mirrored the action, shooting Kasper in the head." Did he hit Micah? Was he killed? Wounded? How does Rose react to that? This is the sort of information you can't afford to omit in a story.
You have an interesting world and heroine here, but some clarifications are needed.
"Unmarked Graves" by Ellie Hall
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"a banshee mating call" this is an interesting image.
"the bright red swastika of a healer" This is interesting. I wish you'd explained it further.
You wrote: 'It was an accident. "It was an accident," he said aloud.' This repetition isn't necessary.
You wrote: "We had them down as Axylus brass. It was our chance to take back some of what's owed. We didn't know ..." If they're fighting a war, taking out the leadership is a legitimate military objective, something that degrades the enemy's ability to fight. Vengeance might matter to some soldiers individually, but--unless I'm missing something--it wouldn't be the real reason for the attack.
At the end, the healer (who is the real hero of the story) dies. While it's not uncommon to read stories where healers do their job by taking on the infirmities of their patients, that wasn't set up here. Apparently, it isn't always the way things work. Why did the healer sacrifice her life to save Carrie? Did she know that was going to be the consequence?
All in all, a well-written and compelling piece.
The Verdict:
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While "The Pieces Fit" had some interesting ideas, there were, unfortunately, sufficient points of confusion that I wasn't drawn into the story as deeply as the other two. I'm putting this one in third place.
"Unmarked Graves" did a better job of drawing me in, but the hero of the story (the healer) doesn't come in until the second part and I don't understand her motive for sacrificing her life. Also, we get multiple points of view, and though a good job of characterization and emotional connection was executed, the mere fact that there were three POVs in such a short space prevents the reader from engaging too deeply in any one of them. For these reasons, I put it in second place.
This leaves "Border Skirmish" as the winner. For me, this was the most compelling and emotionally involving of the three, so I'm giving it first place. What I'm missing is the resolution (how our heroine escapes--and it will be a disappointing story if she doesn't, given the way it's set up). Also missing is some understanding of how society got to be the way it is in this dystopian future.
All in all, good efforts by all three. The internet is a better place for your efforts. :) '
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