Cochran's Groovy Worm-Hole Adventure

by AllanFisher

The toaster-shaped Quantum Doorknob hurdled through space and time dragging Cochran and his "new friend" along at incredible speed. Unfortunately, their feet remain behind, as if mired in quick-dry cement. Therefore, they stretched like the over-stressed waistband of an obese man's ratty underpants until Cochran was sure they would tear apart and scatter across the universe.

Snap!

Cochran landed in a heap on the floor and a second later the girl landed on top of him. He didn't exactly mind as she was incredibly beautiful and how mad could he be considering he had all but kidnapped her from her home at the center of the earth. That being said, it is really quite unpleasant to have someone fall on top of you.

"Oof!" He gasped as the wind was crushed from his lungs. He rolled to one side, easing the girl off of his chest. She flipped over, legs straight up in the air and her long white toga-style gown flew up exposing her nether regions which, to Cochran's horror, were devoid of undergarments.

"Good Lord!" He gasped, averting his eyes from her thick blond curls in embarrassment. "Please cover yourself, my dear!"

"Malayalam subllaalla," she said in a singsong voice and John heard the sound of material ruffling as she regained her feet adjusted her gown.

When he was sure she was dressed, he turned around to greet her.

One dark, erect nipple stared back at him. Cochran had forgotten the off-the-shoulder, breast-exposing style of her dress. "Oh my! Um... you look cold... please take my coat..." He stammered draping his tweed jacket across her front clumsily.

The young lady giggled shyly as she covered up, her long blond hair falling fetchingly across the left side of her face. She blew the stray locks out of the way with a puff of breath from her pursed lips and giggled again.

"Yes... well... that's fine." Said Cochran regaining some of his composure. He straightened his bow tie and brushed invisible dirt from the front of his pants, then reached into his vest and retrieved his pocket-watch. "Four-fifteen... it's past tea time!"

Cochran looked around, he was pleased as punch that the Quantum Doorknob had returned them to his laboratory, but then he had guessed it would. Truth be told, he was quite shocked with himself... stranding Branch at the center of the earth, snatching the girl back to the surface with him and worst of all using foul language. But after a nice cuppa, he would set everything straight and apologize to his abrasive American assistant.

He led the way down the short corridor to his study, gesturing for his guest to take a seat on the squishy, over-stuffed settee and went to work the small kitchenette.

He quickly boiled water in his tea kettle, filled a plate with scones and pour two cups of extra strong earl grey, presenting one to the young blond woman.

"Hallally...?" She said uncomprehendingly.

Cochran smiled reassuringly and mimed drinking from the china tea cup. "It's alright, my dear... it's tea... you drink it."

She took the cup, and after a moment's consideration poured some of the warm brown liquid into the saucer and began lapping it up with her tongue like a cat.

Cochran shuddered in disbelief. "Barbaric..." He muttered.

She looked up from her saucer of tea and smiled, then gestured vigorously to herself. "Siphonei..." she said, smiling madly.

"I'm sorry," John said. "Is it too hot?"

"Siphonei!" She said again, slapping the palm of her right hand against her ample cleavage.

Cochran quickly caught on. "Oh... it's your name! Siphonei is your name!" He shouted, poking her chest with his index finger excitedly.

Siphonei looked down at his hand in surprise and Cochran drew back the offending digit, mortified. She laughed at his discomfort and grabbed the hand back, pressing his palm to her bosom. Again she said her name and then put his hand on his own breast and waited expectantly.

For a moment he said nothing as his mind lingered on how soft her skin had been beneath his finger. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and realized she was staring at him. "Oh... yes... Cochran..." he said, tapping his chest with his hand. "John Cochran..."

He watched as her pale-red lips and slick wet tongue formed the word. "Cock-man..." she said.

Cochran was mesmerized. "Yes, Cock-man..." he said, smiling stupidly, then caught himself. "I mean Cochran!

She tried again, "Cock-ram..."

Cochran sighed and smiled wearily. "Close enough."

Over numerous cups of tea and patient repetition, Siphonei and Cochran developed a kind of English/Atlantean short hand. Siphonei was especially good at picking up the meanings of words and was soon speaking in thickly-accented broken English.

Once they understood one another, Cochran slowly explained in layman's terms, where they were and how they happened to be there. Siphonie took the whole thing amazingly well, much to Cochran's relief. In fact, just a short while later it was he, who was left utterly shocked and speechless.

Siphonei's own tale was much more harrowing than a simple trip through an untested worm-hole. As it turned out she wasn't from the hollow earth at all.

"You're a princess?" Cochran wheezed, spraying tea down the front of his shirt.

"Yeesa!" Siphonei said, nodding her head.

"... And you were kidnapped from far in the future and brought back in time to the center of the earth by a man with a Quantum Doorknob just like mine?"

"Quanti-Toasty, yeesa!" She said, eyes wide.

Cochran coughed slightly. "Quantum 'Doorknob', not toaster Siphonei, if you please."

Siphonei giggled at his stern look and gave a huge yawn, stretching like a cat.

Cochran pulled out his trusty, pocket-watch and gasped. "Hell's bells! It's after three am... we must get you home... or at least back to where I found you." His brow furrowed. "I'll have to figure out how to get you back to the future once we get there."

Cochran opened a closet and took out a huge rucksack. It was stuffed to the gills with God-knows-what and hanging from the numerous outer loops and hooks were lanterns, flashlights, pots, pans, and a pair of shiny wing-tip shoes.

"One can never be too prepared, my dear!" He said, in answer to Siphonei 's quizzical look. He wrestled the rucksack on his back, retrieved the Quantum Doorknob from his desk and placed a tan pith helmet atop his head.

Cochran offered Siphonei his crooked elbow to hold on to and gave her a huge wink.

"Tally-ho!" he cried and depressed the lever.

Squeezing?

Cochran had readied himself for the usual stretching, but this was wholly different! He was being compressed, crushed down to the size of a pinhead. He was a speck... a single molecule jostling against all of the other molecules in the universe. He was about to be pinched out of existence!

Pop!

He flopped onto the ground whacking his head in the process. A second later Siphonei landed face down on top of him, his nose nestled in her pillowy cleavage.

"Cumpledlee Murff flurfffff..." He said, his words muffled by soft flesh.

"What you said?" Asked Siphonei.

Cochran reluctantly shifted his face from beneath her bust and repeated himself. "Completely my fault. Let me help you up, my dear."

Once they were both erect, Cochran albeit more so than he would have liked to admit, he noticed they were not in the cave. In fact, they weren't in the hollow earth at all. Instead, they seemed to be in a grassy field. There was music coming from somewhere to their left and after a short walk they topped a small hill and looked out over a huge crowd and stage.

Cochran pulled a pair of binoculars out of his backpack and zoomed in on the stage. A very young Bob Dylan was playing 'Maggie's Farm' and the crowd was booing.

"My goodness," he exclaimed, "This is the 1965 Newport Folk Festival! Dylan played electric here for the first time!"

Siphonei looked at him perplexed.

"That's why people are booing because it's a folk festival." He explained. "We traveled backwards through time, Siphonei..." he added softly.

She turned away, utterly uninterested in the magnitude of what Cochran had said. Instead, Siphonei began swaying to the music almost hypnotically.

John was still talking, more to himself than anyone else. "That must be why it felt... different. Squashing instead of stretching. But how on earth..."

The music suddenly caught his attention again... something about the lyrics didn't sound right.

Dylan started the next verse. "I ain't gonna work on old McDonald's farm no more...."

"Old McDonald's? That's not right... could we have somehow crossed into another dimension?"John's thoughts were interrupted by a voice to his left.

"I think you just lost your chick, man!"

Cochran looked around and could just see Siphonei disappearing into the crowd, dancing as she snaked closer to the stage."

"Siphonei! Wait! Come back!" He called, but she was gone.

"Too bad, man. She was one groovy chick." Said the voice again and Cochran turned to see its owner.

It belonged to a tall young man, no more than eighteen, with long brown hair. He wore pinstriped bell-bottomed cream slacks and a khaki green t-shirt that read, 'Ban the M' across its front.

"Groovy, yes, I suppose she was rather Groovy," Cochran repeated slowly. He held out his hand to the hippy who shook it vigorously.

"John Cochran," John said, introducing himself.

"I'm Henry Brown, but my friends call me Hash." The young man smiled. "You know, like Hash Brown."

A light bulb went off in John's brain. "Oh, I see. As in the narcotic... hashish."

"Shh, not so loud man!" Hash hissed. "This place is crawlin' with the fuzz!"

Cochran looked around guiltily. "Oh, I'm sorry." He whispered.

Hash craned his neck to look out over the crowd and then turned back to John. "It' cool. So, is she your old lady?"

John was aghast. "Goodness no, Siphonei is just a... friend."

"Solid man, I dig it. Free love and all that..." Hash said, winking at him.

"What... no..." John started, but then the crowd surged and he was knocked to one side.

"Whoa, heavy!" Hash blurted and grabbed John's arm to steady him.

There was a sudden eruption of yelling and pushing towards the center of the audience. A large group of red clad troublemakers had begun throwing punches and screaming at the hippies. Seemingly from out of nowhere, signs appeared and John read them in awe.

The first was written in huge green letters,'Make Salad, Not War' another had a drawing of broccoli stalks around the text, 'Eat Your Greens'.

A chant began "Old McDonald had a farm, where nothing could grow!" the sound of it drowned out Dylan's final verse.

Something hot and wet smacked John in the face and slid off, leaving a trail of grease down his cheek. The people in red were throwing cheeseburgers at the hippies and unfurling their own banner. It was the color of blood and looked to John like a depiction of Hell.

Someone shouted, "Burgers are murder," and raised a picture of a dead baby. Things were getting out of hand.

Hash looked very serious. "This is gettin' pretty hairy, man. We better split!" Just as he said it the Reds, as John now thought of them, uncovered a large golden box with a huge 'M' on top and people started screaming and running.

"Come on, John. We gotta burn rubber!" Hash yelled, dragging him away by the arm.

They ran blindly, hearing explosions and screaming behind them. Cochran was tempted to push the lever on the Quantum Doorknob and escape back to the safety of his lab, but he knew he couldn't leave Siphonei if she was still alive.

They ran for miles aimlessly putting as much distance between themselves and the carnage as possible. Finally, exhausted, the two men staggered into a dense forest and Cochran realized he could hear music. Melodic guitar and an angelic female voice floated to him between the trees and he beckoned Hash to follow him as he moved quietly towards its source.

The sun had set and through the darkness he could make out a flicker of firelight. Up ahead in a clearing a small group of hippies sat cross legged around a happy campfire and listened as a lovely blond woman sang 'If I had a hammer", accompanied by two men on acoustic guitars.

"My goodness," exclaimed John, excitedly. "That's Peter, Paul and Mary!"

"Oh, yeah! They are totally boss!" Hash said.

They entered the clearing and John thoroughly embarrassed himself gushing over Peter, Paul and Mary and asking for autographs. He and Hash introduced themselves. He was so overcome with excitement that initially he didn't notice Siphonei sitting by the fire amongst the other hippies.

"Siphonei! Where have you been? I was so worried..."

Her dress was filthy and torn and she smelled of woodsmoke but that only seemed to make her more attractive. She smiled at him happily. "Music, Cock-man, I follow the music."

"Cochran man dear... Coch RAN" He corrected, clearly enunciating each part of his name.

Siphonei giggled. "Cock-ram."

"Close enough," He sighed. "I'm afraid we have to leave Siphonei, it's not safe here."

"Why red people attack us?" She asked.

"They hate us, man, we're lucky to be alive!" Hash said.

John shook his head. "I don't understand...?"

Hash stared at him in disbelief. "Whoa, are you stoned man... or have you just been livin' under a rock?"

John looked at his feet. "I supposed I'm a bit out of the loop, as they say."

"Crazy man..." Hash said, whistling through his teeth. "Well, let me lay it down for you boss. Those red guys... they're with the Church of M."

"What is the Church of M?"

"Man, you really are out of it. The Church of M... you know... M for McDonald's." Hash said shaking his head.

John was wide eyed. "McDonald's... you mean the fast food restaurant?"

"That's the one."

"McDonald's became a religion?" He asked.

"Sure, see at first it was about money. The head honcho realized that more people go to McDonald's on Sunday than go to church. So, they started holding church service in the restaurant. You could even confess your sins in the drive thru! Anyway, since they were having the service they got a tax exemption just like a real church. Saved 'em millions... smart, huh?"

John was dumbfounded, "That is brilliant..." he said quietly. Now he was sure, they had not just traveled through time, they were in a wholly different dimension.

"It sure was," Hash continued. "The next thing you know, they started making up their own 'Commandments' like, 'Thou shalt not eat at Burger King' and 'The Meat-Eater shall inherit the earth'. Before anyone knew it, they had banned salad and started a 'Holy' war against us hippies because a lot of us are vegetarians."

"That's horrifying," said John. "So what about that golden box with the M on top...?"

"That's just a replica of their secret weapon... The Arches of the Covenant. The big M on top is some kind of laser but the real Arches of the Covenant has the broken recipe tablets inside of it."

"Recipe for what?" John asked, leaning closer.

"The recipe for something called a Big Mac. It's the only copy... given to Jim Delligatti by God himself. He cooked the burger the next day, but it was too good. People went crazy, they had to have more. So Jim realized it was too powerful and he tore up the recipe and hid it. That night he had a dream and God told him to build the Arches of the Covenant and put he recipe inside to keep it safe. He hid the Arhes in a vault, but according to legend, a man stole it and took it to the future."

John's eyes lit up. "So, it' gone? Well, that's a relief!"

Hash snorted humorlessly. "Not so fast man, the legend goes on to say that the man from the future is going to return with the recipe on August 15th, 1969 to enslave all of us non-believers."

Cochran thought for a moment. "August 15th, 1969... Woodstock!"

Hash looked at him blankly. "What's Woodstock, Pops?"

"A huge outdoor concert." Cochran mumbled.

One of the other hippies came over with a big book and opened it to show Cochran a painting of the Arches of the Covenant.

"I know where Arches thing is." Siphonei said quietly. "Is in big pyramid where you find me, Cock-ram."

Cochran turned to stare at her. "Are you certain?"

"Yes, I see." She answered, nodding.

Hash, got to his feet excitedly. "You know where it is? That's great, we can go destroy it!"

"Easier said than done, I'm afraid." Sighed Cochran. "I hate to admit it , but I have no idea how to get us back there."

The three sat down by the fire dejectedly and listened to the music. Cochran was lost in thought.

Peter, Paul and Mary had finished "If I had a hammer" and were now launching into "500 Miles".

Hash leaned over to Cochran. "This is such a groovy tune, man. According to the M bible, the lyrics tell you how to find the Arches." He whispered.

"Really? You mean like a code?" Cochran asked, perking up.

"I suppose," Hash said. "Too bad it's just a song."

Cochran pulled a white board and marker out of his giant rucksack and began writing on it as they sang.

"... Whistle blows a hundred miles... a hundred miles... times four.... Plus one... two... three..." He stepped back and stared at the board. "My goodness, it is a code!"

Cochran worked feverishly, scrawling numbers and mathematical symbols until finally he stepped back and shouted. "Eureka! I've got it!"

Hash jumped to his feet. "So you can get us to the Arches, man? Outta sight!" Siphonei threw her arms and danced around Cochran.

Cochran programmed the Quantum Doorknob with his calculations and the three of them joined hands as he pushed the lever.

Expanding!

They were being inflated, like giant soap bubbles about to explode at any moment. Pressing against the very edges of the universe.

Whoosh!

They landed in a heap back in the cave at he center of the earth.

"Siphonei, quickly, take us to the Arches." Cochran as he helped her to her feet, trying not to stare at her long legs and exposed breast.

Hash sat on the ground, rubbing his head. "Far out, man! That was a blast... "

"Come along Hash we got to hurry!" Yelled Cochran.

"What's the rush, professor? None of this is gonna go down until 1969, right?" Hash looked bewildered.

"Hash, the Quantum Doorknob is not just a transportation device, it's a time machine. If they have one as well, then we could already be too late!"

"Bummer..." Hash said and they took off out of the cave with Siphonei leading the way.

They quickly passed through the tunnels out into the rain forest and into the city below the great pyramid. Siphonei took off down a tight alleyway and then into what appeared to be a dead end. The wall in front of them was engraved with strange symbols and at least ten feet high. There was no way to get over it.

Cochran was about to turn back when she approached the wall and pushed on one of the bricks. With a grinding sound a section of the wall slid aside and Siponei stepped inside. Cochran, pulled a lantern off of his rucksack, lit it and followed her. They were in a long dark passageway that slanted abruptly downward. Slowly they moved forward. At the bottom of the long passage was another wall similar to the one before and again Siphonee pressed a brick and it moved aside as if by magic. They were in a long golden room. Every surface gleamed. At the far end of the room, on a raised platform, sat the Arches of the Covenant. Hash whistled through his teeth.

"Way out, man..." Hash mumbled.

The trio entered the room and began moving towards the platform. Suddenly Cochran stopped. The Arches of the Covenant was so beautiful he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to destroy it.

Suddenly there was a noise behind them. No one spoke. Then from out of the passage, stepped a man in a clown costume.

Cochran stared in disbelief. "Ronald McDonald?"

The clown's evil smiled was enhanced by his red and white makeup. He pulled out a gun and pointed it at them.

"Thanks for figuring out the code for me, Professor Cochran." He hissed.

John was dumbfounded, "I don't understand..."

Siphonei whispered behind his back. "That is man who bring me here, Cock-ram. He has Quanti-Toasty like you...."

"Correct... unfortunately I haven't been able to control mine. But now that I have your calculations, I can finally return to 1969 and enslave all those dirty hippies with the Big Mac." He explained, stepping around them and heading over to the Arches of the Covenant.

Keeping the gun trained on them, he opened the lid of the golden box. Cochran half expected, angels or demons fly out and melt his face, but nothing happened. The clown reached into the box and pulled out a scrap of yellow lined paper... the recipe.

The clown laughed and walked passed them back to the passageway. "Well, Professor, this is where I must leave you. But first, please hand over you Quantum Doorknob. Can't have you following be back to Woodstock..."

Reluctantly, Cochran pulled the device out of his rucksack and handed it to Ronald.

The clown smiled and said, "I'm Lovin' it!"

Suddenly a man in a hood, stepped out of the passage behind him and hit Ronald across the neck with his torch. The clown hit the floor unconscious.

The man removed his hood and spoke. "Hi Cochran!" It was his assistant Branch.

John was speechless. As he watched, Branch reached down, grabbed the recipe and set fire to hit with his torch. Then he tossed John the Quantum Doorknob.

Hash punched the air and yelled, "Right on!"

Siphonei ran into Branch's arms and squealed. "My hero!" then she began kissing him passionately.

Cochran groaned and shook his head. "Oh for fuck's sake!"

Branch strode over an put his arm around Cochran, then pulled the swear jar out of his tunic and jingled it loudly. "Ah, ah, ah... twenty-five cents for the F-word!" he laughed.

Cochran looked down at the Quantum Doorknob, grabbed Siphonei and Hash by the hand, and pushed the lever.