World War H

by Reffster

"Last item on agenda, Mr Zombident."

"'Bout time. Me hungry. What is item?"

"Humans."

"Humans?"

"Humans."

"Rarrrhh."

"Rarrrhh indeed, Mr Zombident. Rarrrh, indeed."

"Where humans?"

"Unconfirmed report. Island in Pacific."

"You know that noise that is spelt p, f, f, f, t?"

"Hmm, think so, Mr Zombident."

"Imagine me make that noise."

"Why imagine, Mr Zombident?"

"Me look like me have lips?"

"Sorry, Mr Zombident. So, think report not true?"

"That what me think. No more humans. Only zombies. Report bollocks."

"What bollocks mean, Mr Zombident?"

"Hmm. Me forget. Used to be important, me think. Probably fallen off by now. Oh well. Want lunch?"

"That be lovely, Mr Zombident. What we have?"

"Sigh. Tofu-brains again. Me almost wish report true. Real brains. Mmmmm...."

****

"This look like nice island, honey. We stop here. Get supplies for yacht. Seagull brains. Maybe turtle brains, if we lucky."

"Hmm, me not know, Rarf. Think it safe?"

"Honey, we already dead. How much safer you want?"

"We living dead, smart guy. Me want stay that way."

"You worry too much, Arrrla. You stay on yacht, me get stuff. OK?"

"Fine, me stay and wash hair."

"Which one?"

****

"Drop it, Dan. I'm not going to sleep with you."

"But you said you would, Christina. You said if I was the last man in the world that you'd sleep with me. Well, to the best of our knowledge I am the last man in the world. What's the hold-up?"

"Firstly, to the best of our knowledge you're the last man on this island. Just because we haven't heard anything from the outside world for a while doesn't guarantee there's nobody out there. Secondly, what I actually said was that even if you were the last man in the world, I still wouldn't sleep with you."

"Are you sure?"

"Totally sure, Dan."

"So you're basically saying you'd forgo sex for the rest of your life, rather than sleep with me?"

"Well, duh."

"But I saved you!"

"Dan, I just happened to be in the boat you stole, when the shit hit the fan back on Upolu. I don't think that's quite the same thing."

"But I fought off the zombies that tried to get on board! I crushed skulls, I beheaded 'em, I kicked their asses! I kept you safe."

"Dan, you were keeping yourself safe. I don't think you even realised I was there. Besides, I did my fair share of zombie ass-kicking too. Now run along and take a cold swim. I'm off to do some foraging."

****

Dan stomped along the well-worn path across the island, muttering under his breath. What more did he have to do? Act heroically? Check. Kill zombies? Check. Have a cool beard? Check. Be the last available male with a heartbeat and all appendages still attached? Check.

Talk about hard to please. But Dan wasn't a quitter. Clearly there was only way he was going to win Christina over.

He'd have to save the world.

****

Christina wandered along the shoreline, collecting mussels. The warmth of the late afternoon sun was tempered by a sea-breeze, and the seawater was delightfully cool as it washed around her ankles. If it wasn't for the whole zombie apocalypse thing, she could almost feel happy here.

She slipped another mussel into her bag, and looked out to sea as she stood to stretch her back. She froze mid-stretch. A boat! Shielding her eyes from the sun, she tried to make out some detail. It looked like an expensive pleasure craft, the kind of plaything Hollywood A-listers used to buy with their pocket change.

And there was activity on the deck. Could it be somebody else had survived? After weeks of nothing but bad news on the radio and then months of nothing but incoherent zombie-speak, she'd finally given up. But now, at the sight of the waving figure on the deck, hope surged anew in her heart.

But only for a moment. There was something disturbing about that wave. It lacked fluency. It had a slow awkwardness to it. It was as though the waver was a marionette with broken strings, being worked by a drunken puppeteer. Her heart sank. Only one thing moved like that.

A zombie.

Then her heart started to race. What the hell was it waving to?

****

Rarf popped another seagull brain in his mouth as he wandered out of the jungle and on to the beach. Nothing compared to human brains, but these weren't so bad once you got used to them.

The first thing he saw was Arrrla waving to him. The second thing he saw was the human standing at the edge of the water, looking out at the boat.

He spat out the seagull brain. Time for a real meal.

"Raaarrrhhhgghhh!"

****

Dan sat in his secret lab and looked out over the ocean. Strictly speaking, he was sitting in a cave, but he liked to call it his lab. After all, he did do sciencey stuff there.

The section of ocean overlooked by the cave included the island's natural harbour, which by some quirk of the local currents had proved to be a collection point for a host of ocean craft of all shapes and sizes. Most had been empty when they washed ashore.

Some had not.

They had killed most of the zombie arrivals, but unbeknownst to Christina he had secreted a few away, and they now moaned and shambled around the wooden cage he'd constructed at the rear of the cave. They were his guinea pigs. His lab rats. His ticket to Christina's heart. And hopefully to other bits.

Dan was not by nature what you might call smart. In fact he was by nature what you would call an idiot. But he was a motivated idiot. And given that among the vessels that had washed ashore were a US Navy destroyer and a National Geographic research vessel, he was a motivated idiot with some pretty impressive tech at his disposal. Not to mention a complete lack of ethical oversight.

Dan had read everything about the zombie plague that he could get his hands on. Then he kept on reading until at least some of it made sense. Not much had been discovered before civilisation had crumbled, but there were some useful tidbits. Being a practical sort, Dan decided to expand upon this limited body of knowledge via the only method available to him.

Experimentation.

He'd zapped zombies, he'd injected zombies, he'd dissected zombies, he'd infected zombies, he'd connected zombies and he'd blown up zombies. It had been a messy process, but slowly and surely he'd learned new things. Like how to scrape zombie off the ceiling.

But he had discovered some promising areas of research as well. Some of the fruits of this hard-won knowledge adorned the cave. In one corner stood the tortured corpse of his first attempt at zombie-plant-robot hybridisation, its mouth forever frozen in a rictus of outrage. As far as labour-fruits went, this one was probably at the rotten banana end of the spectrum, but for a postal worker who had never finished high school, Dan felt it represented an achievement of sorts.

In another corner, caged zombie rats nibbled on grain rather than on each other's brains. Switching off the "I want to eat your skull-candy" gene had been a major breakthrough, albeit one he had not yet managed to replicate in full-size zombies.

Pulling up a chair to his work-station (big rock), Dan cranked up Grindhouse on his iPhone. He always found that a little bit of Manilla Road rattling his brainbox helped him to think. With renewed determination and continued sexual frustration, he set to work.

****

Just to be sure, Christina gave the zombie's head a final crack with the rock she'd picked up to defend herself. With a satisfyingly wet crunch, its skull gave way and its brains, along with whatever passed for its consciousness, leaked into the sand.

She was intrigued to discover that the zombie had been carrying a rudimentary bag, which was behaviour she'd never seen before. Nudging it open with her toe, she was somewhat less intrigued to find that it contained several dozen of what appeared to be tiny brains.

She pondered this for a moment before shrugging. It was weird, but then so was the world these days. She went back to her foraging.

****

Several weeks later, Arrrla sailed into San Francisco harbour. She moored the yacht, shuffle-marched along the jetty, stormed into the customs office at a furious limp, and punched the customs zombie right in the face. Yelling as loudly as her decomposed lungs would allow, she demanded, "Get me zombident on phone, now!"

****

"Mr Zombident. Appear report not bollocks. More human seen. Kill zombie."

"But zombie already dead."

"Living dead, Mr Zombident. Human make zombie deading dead. Wife pissed."

"Ah, me see. Troubling. Hmm."

"What we do, Mr Zombident?"

"You not know what "hmm" mean?"

"Um, mean want more tofu-brains?"

"It mean me thinking! Only tofu-brains here in your head. No can get good help, these days."

"Not tofu, Mr Zombident. Liver."

"Huh?"

"Me put liver in head, Mr Zombident. Keep falling out of body."

"Explain a lot. Anyway, call out zombie navy."

"Um. We no have zombie navy, Mr Zombident."

"We got zombie army?"

"Yes, Mr Zombident."

"We got boats?"

"Yes, Mr Zombident."

"Put together - what we got?"

"Ah, me see. Clever, Mr Zombident."

"That why me zombident and you liver-for-brains."

****

Dan raced across the island. "Christina! Christina! I did it!" Breathlessly, he pounded into the campsite they'd established at the edge of the jungle.

Relaxing in a hammock, Christina looked up from the battered copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy she was rereading for about the zillionth time. The boats that had washed ashore had sadly only provided a limit array of works of fiction. Not for the first time, the sight of Dan's sweating, apopletic face had her wishing for her own Sub-Etha Sen-O-Matic. Hitchhiking to another planet often seemed like an appealing option, these days.

"What did you do, Dan?"

It took a minute or two of wheezing before Dan was able to speak coherently. "I've found the cure, Christina! I've cured a zombie! I can save the world!"

Christina rolled her eyes. "Did you find some wacky-baccy on that last boat to wash ashore? You know we agreed to share that kind of thing."

"I'm deadly serious. I've been doing experiments for months now, and I've finally cracked it. Come and see!"

****

"You sure you want come to island, Mr Zombident?"

"Yes. Me Commander-in-Chief. Plus, me need break from Brownhouse."

"Erm. Mean Whitehouse?"

"Me know what me mean. You seen this place lately? Zombies no clean so good."

"But what if not safe, Mr Zombident?"

"Me help build New Zombie Order. Take over world. Think can handle little island."

"Me have idea, Mr Zombident."

"Sigh. This be good. What idea?"

"Do a Trump. Build wall. Keep humans in."

"Build wall?"

"Yes, Mr Zombident."

"Around island?"

"Yes, Mr Zombident."

"Island surrounded by ocean. How we build wall in ocean? Liver-for-brains!"

"Oh, that right. Sorry, Mr Zombident."

****

Despite herself, Christina was impressed by Dan's secret science cave. Computers hummed. Flasks bubbled. Centrifuges whirred. She was less impressed by the cage full of zombies.

"Dan, what the hell? You keep these things alive?"

"Well, technically they're dead."

"Don't get smart with me, Dan."

"Sorry, sorry. Look, just follow me." He led Christina past the zombies and through a narrow passageway, deeper into the cave. An eerie red light flickered ahead of them, and before long the passageway opened out onto a ledge at the edge of a vast underground cavern, dimly lit by the flames of a handful of torches.

"This is where I keep my test subjects," said Dan. "The results of some experiments have been a little...unpredictable. So for safety's sake I keep 'em in here until I know how things have turned out."

As her eyes adjusted to the dim light, Christina was disturbed to see that the piles of detritus covering the floor of the cavern consisted almost entirely of decomposing body parts.

Dan saw the direction of her gaze. "Er, yeah. Most of 'em didn't turn out too well."

Movement on the floor of the cavern drew Christina's attention. Standing knee-deep in the human offal, surrounded by a collection of severed heads on spikes, a single figure stood with arms akimbo, clutching a human spine in one hand. It threw back its head and howled.

Christina was aghast. "What the hell is that?"

Dan smiled proudly. "That's my first ever successful test subject. The first ever zombie to be returned to human form. Isn't he great?"

The figure began munching on the spine, salivating profusely and pausing occasionally to giggle hysterically.

"That thing is a human?"

Dan nodded. "Oh yeah. I've sedated him and run tests. He's got a heartbeat and everything. He's batshit crazy of course, but that's just a minor complication."

"A minor complication?"

"Yeah, I can probably fix that. So, what do you think of good old Dan now? Pretty impressive, huh?"

"I'm going to finish my book." Christina turned and left without a backwards glance.

Dan was crestfallen, but only for a moment. Gritting his teeth in determination, he headed back to the lab.

****

"Good morning. Me Admiral Snaarj. Soon be at island. Me give briefing. Listen up, mens."

"Raaarrggh!"

"Sorry. Listen up mens and ladies."

"Raaarrgghh!"

"Fine, fine. Ladies and mens and zombies of non-specific gender. Happy now?"

"Mehggh."

"OK, here battle plan. When land on island, everyone off boat. Find humans. First wave shamble towards humans. Say, "Raarrggh." Try to eat brains. If first wave get dead, second wave do same thing. If second wave get dead, third wave do same thing. Ecksetera."

"Admiral, you a master tactician."

"Thank you, Mr Zombident."

****

"Christina! Christina! I did it!"

Dozing in her hammock, Christina cocked a sleepy eye at Dan. "Did what? If it's another psychotic madman, I think I prefer the zombies."

"No! I turned a zombie into a sane person! I just had to tweak the formula a bit. It was actually you that gave me the idea, with that crack about the wacky-baccy. I had a stash, purely for scientific purposes of course, and I added a bit to the mix. Voila! Non-psychotic ex-zombies. Come and see."

With a sigh, Christina swung out of the hammock. She had finished her book, so why not?"

Once back at the cave, Dan pointed proudly at the zombie cage. Although it now no longer appeared to be a zombie cage. Standing inside, dressed in ragged clothes and smiling happily at Christina, were a man and a woman.

"Dan, who are these people?"

"Originally? No idea. They don't know, either. They're human again, but it seems as though all of their old memories are gone. I call 'em Gerry and Karin. Guys, this is Christina."

"Oh boy, it sure is nice to meet you," said Gerry.

"Likewise," added Karin. "It's really swell."

"Er, nice to meet you two as well." She pulled Dan aside. "Why do they talk like they escaped from the set of The Brady Bunch?"

Dan shrugged. "Dunno. It's early days in the field of post-zombification psychoanalysis. It beats being insane."

"Fair enough. Dan, I can't believe you pulled this off. Can we change some more back?"

Dan shook his head. "These were my last two specimens. We'll have to wait for some more to wash ashore."

Christina looked out to sea, hoping to see a boat somewhere. "Oh shit. Dan, I don't think more specimens are going to be a problem."

Dan turned to look as well. A veritable flotilla of craft was approaching the island; a motley assortment of fishing trawlers, pleasure craft and ex-naval vessels. Crammed on the deck of each and every one of them, from gunwale to gunwale, were hundreds of zombies.

****

"You want give speech, Mr Zombident? Rally troops before battle?"

"Is Zombie-pope Catholic?"

"Erm. Me not know, Mr Zombident. Want me ask someone?"

"Sigh. Wish eye muscles still work."

"Why that, Mr Zombident?"

"So can roll eyes. Of course me give speech!"

"OK, Mr Zombident. Me tell troops. Attention! All zombie quiet! No moaning! Zombident give speech now!"

"Greetings, mens."

"Raaargghh!"

"Sorry. Greetings, zombies. Lend me ears. No, not like that. Stop pulling ears off! Just listen. Today we fight for United States of Zombie. We fight for all zombie-kind. They may take our lives, but we zombies, so who care? Me know you make USZ proud. We take world from humans. They no take it back. Attack!"

****

"Dan, you cannot be serious."

"It's the only way, Christina. Believe me, I should know."

"You're telling me that you made your zombie-cure into a suppository?"

"Yep. The rear end of a zombie is the only place with enough structural integrity to take it. It can't be a tablet because their digestive systems don't really work, injections are no good without a functioning vascular system, and their lungs are too full of holes for aerosol delivery. It's the only way. But don't worry, I've developed a remote delivery system."

"Dan, that's a stick. With a fork duct-taped to the end."

"Yep, and I've got four of them ready. Let's go."

"Four?"

"Yep, one each for you, me, Gerry and Karin," replied Dan, distributing the sticks and bags of suppositories.

"Gerry and Karin are going to fight zombies as well?"

"Oh boy, we sure are," enthused Gerry.

"You betcha," confirmed Karin. "I'm ever so keen to ram some sticks right up those nasty zombies' bottoms. But only because it will be good for them, of course."

Christina shook her head. So this was what the human race had come to. "Fine." She attached a zombie-cure to the fork on the end of her stick. "Let's do this thing."

****

As far as battles went, there had probably been more epic examples throughout history. But it was doubtful there had ever been any of greater importance. The future of humanity was at stake. Not to mention on a stake.

The only four humans in existence made their way to the beach, arriving just as the first wave of zombies waded ashore. Despite the extremity of the situation, Dan felt a surge of pride wash through him. He was no longer a chubby, sexually frustrated, middle-aged postal-worker. He was a warrior. He was a defender of the human race. He was awesomeness made flesh. He felt moved to make a speech.

"C'mon, everyone! Let's go and shove some sticks up some zombies' butts!" And with those stirring words, he charged into battle.

Despite their vast numerical superiority, the zombies were handicapped by their slow, awkward movements, and initially the battle went well for the humans. Darting in and among the advancing ranks, they shoved zombie-cures home left, right and centre, leaving the 'patients' twitching spasmodically on the beach as their transformation back to humanity kicked in.

But eventually, the weight of numbers began to tell against the humans. Gerry was the first to go, having snapped his stick after a particularly deep delivery. Karin was next, caught from behind by a giant, shambling zombie while she was busy apologising to the recipient of her latest cure. They both disappeared under heaving masses of the living dead.

Back to back, zombies all around, Dan and Christina desperately fought on, the press of the undead becoming so tight that they could barely move their aching arms enough to deliver more cures.

Then, miraculously, just when all seemed lost, reinforcements arrived. The first of the cured zombies waded into the fray, wielding rocks or sticks or whatever weapons they could get their hands on. For a time the battle hung in the balance, but eventually the increasing number of humans turned the tide, and it became a zombie rout.

****

"Hmm, look like we lose, Mr Zombident."

"Oh, you genius, no doubt."

"What we do now?"

"Hmm. Throw admiral overboard. Go back USZ. Find new tactics. Me think maybe armoured undies. This war not over."

****

Surrounded by rejoicing, newly transformed humans, Dan and Christina embraced.

"Thank you, Dan. You've saved humanity."

This is it, thought Dan, exultantly. My time has come. "Gee, thanks Christina. Say, what are you doing tonight?"

Christina blushed. "Um, sorry Dan. Karin's back in human form, and she and I are planning a little get-together this evening."

Dan's jaw dropped. "You mean..?"

"Yes, Dan. See you around."

Crestfallen once more, Dan watched her disappear into the crowd. Turning around, he spotted a regenerated Gerry a little way down the beach, and was somewhat shocked to realise the ex-zombie was winking at him.

Dan shrugged and set off down the beach. Oh well. It is a brave new world, after all.