Bone Hard

by AllanFisher

Night. Always a time to be alive. The stars twinkling. The crickets chirping. Every man, woman and child tucked away in bed, fast asleep.

The perfect time to work the boneyards.

She had a system. It was efficient. Perfect, really. Because no one expected a woman to go pilfering through piles of bones. A man, maybe—men were sick; it was expected of them. But women? No. And if they caught her, she could easily play all innocent. Bat her eyelashes and shoot them a smile. It always worked. She'd done it before. She'd do it again.

Her bag was full of femurs, skulls, shoulder blades. And all kinds of little ones, too: full toes and fingers, individual knuckles.

If someone were to take a peek inside they'd be horrified by what they saw. Because there was something else in there. Something nobody would want to see.

And she'd have to take care of them if they caught on. She'd done that before, too.

She was digging out a sweet-looking pelvis when a spotlight lit her up. She hissed through her teeth and turned to see someone headed her way—couldn't tell much, because the light had them backlit. They were just a shadow.

She realized what had happened here. She'd gotten too cocky. "Fuck you, Mad Mike Marsbergen," she muttered to herself and prepared for war.

Marsbergen was stumbling clumsily through the yard, knocking over piles of bones and disturbing headstones as he went. He was naked as always, looking like a fat Richard Hatch from the first season of Survivor, and his pendulous member scraped the dirt as he walked leaving a long deep trench in his wake.

She dashed into the shadows, her dirty bare feet sinking deep into the loam, her toes gripping the earth like tiny pale fingers. She threw herself into the nearest open grave, praying to the Mole Gods that Marsbergen hadn't seen her. She clutched the sack of bones to her emaciated ribcage and calmed her breathing, pressing her back to the cold dirt.

Mad Mike stopped and cocked his head. He sniffed the air like a dog and his huge phallus twitched in anticipation. For minutes he just stood there, testing the air and listening with his oversized fleshy ears.

She didn't move... didn't dare breath into the silence that stretched out around them like a taught rubber band threatening to snap back at any moment. She imagined he could hear the soft wet blink of her eyes or the tiny sound her hair made as it grew. She remembered huddling like this as child with her mother when the Tax Gangs would come into the forests to take their payments in skin. Her mother had taught her to hide, and then to fashion the bones of their ancestors into weapons to fight the Tax Gangs and they had finally won. Then came Mad Mike Marsbergen and all the little Mars-bergens. Their space ships landed at the remnants of the human airports, out on the old runways. Most of humanity had left the over populated earth, bound for the promised land of Mars. Little did they know that Mars wasn't a lifeless planet... on the contrary it was full of Mars-bergens and Mad Mike was their supreme leader. Once he had eradicated the invading humans, he set his sights on their home planet and now only a few hundred men, women and children remained.

Finally Mad Mike began to walk away, back towards the glowing city of New Mars off in the distance. She peered out of the cold damp grave and watched him go, breathing a quiet sigh of relief. Imagine if he had caught her when she was so close.

She ran quickly back to the burrows, digging a new entrance and then covering it over again once she was safely inside the maze of tunnels that she called home. First she checked on her little brother Shamus and found him sleeping, curled in a tight ball next to the glowing monitor of the old computer she had salvaged and repaired using knuckle bones for keys and a kneecap for a mouse. Satisfied he was safe she delved deeper into the warrens down to her laboratory.

As she entered the large room, she hung her black cape on a hook fashioned from her great-great grandfathers femur and lit candles to work by.

The flickering light illuminated her creations... each one better than the last and all designed to kill Mad Mike and all the little Mars-bergens. There was 'TheHike' her earliest attempt. It was a wheel of shin bones attached to foot bones wearing sharpened football cleats and powered by a steam engine. She had hoped the spinning cleats would cut Marsbergen to ribbons but one swing of his enormous man meat sent the contraption off course and she had been forced to run for her life.

Next came 'ThePsych' a helmet made of human skull bones and powered by crystals which, in theory, should have let her read Mad Mikes mind, but only succeeded in giving her a headache and a bad case of penis envy.

'TheLike' was a robot she designed to resemble Mike himself. From his bald greasy head to his leathery flipper feet it was the spitting image of her foe. And it almost worked...but then it didn't. Just like all the others it had failed and now was her last chance.

But first she had to rest, she was too tired to focus and she needed to be at the top of her game for this build. She stripped off her clothes, fell into her cot on the other side of the lab and was immediately asleep.

Back in New Mars Mad Mike sat in his game room playing Grand Theft Auto 72 on his Xbox 2500 and listening to a vintage Shania Twain album. He was restless. He had seen something in the boneyard and he knew it. He'd smelled something too... something human... something female. His organ hardened at the thought and he used it to crack a walnut. He tossed the nut into his mouth and smiled. Did she really thing she could beat him? He would have her eventually just like he'd had her mother whose head was proudly displayed above his door. Still he was uneasy. What could she be planning?

-~o0O0o~-

She awoke refreshed and invigorated. Today was the day. Mad Mike's reign of terror was about to come to an end, she could feel it.

She set to work disassembling this, reassembling that. She fashion gears and pulleys out of the ancient bones and cartilage she had collected since she was old enough to walk. She ran micro filaments and wires like veins and nerves to carry the coolant fluids and electronic impulses needed to make her creation function. She retimed the engine to ensure it was running at maximum efficiency and then filled the tank with her last 100 gallons of hi test jet fuel.

She was the new doctor Frankenstein and this would be her monster, but not a terrible creature. No, this would be the saviour of all mankind. She tested her connections and, praise be to the Mole Queen, they worked!

Finally she dumped out her sack and stared at it, the one thing that she had been searching for her whole life. It was pure gold. Back in the olden days it would have been worth millions. By all rights it should be in a museum, but of course that's where she'd stolen it from. She held it aloft letting the candle light bounce off its gleaming surface... the golden brain of King Tut himself!

She opened the hatch in the back her masterpiece's head and delicately placed the priceless brain inside, carefully connecting the fibre optic cables that would enable it to take control. The huge power cable weighed her down as she dragged it over to the wall socket. Before plugging it in she interlocked her fingers and toes and prayed to the One True Mole that her endeavours would be successful.

Then she smiled. "You're fucked Marsbergen!" She whispered and slid the prongs into the outlet.

There was a huge spark of electricity and she was thrown backwards. The room smelled of ozone and burning hair as she lay in a pile of bones and tools on the far side of the lab, smoke swirling from her toenails.

"Holy Moly!" She swore and immediately performed a silent Hail Moly as penance.

She looked up at her monster and for a moment nothing happened, then it slowly opened its empty eye sockets and grinned a skull toothed grin.

"It's alive!" she screamed. "It's alive!"

Her screams woke little Shamus who came running to the lab door to see what was happening. She turned to look at him and was immediately sorry. He looked terrified as he stood staring at her holding his little bone rattle and sucking his thumb.

"Oh, I'm sorry Shamie. Don't be scared, I'm just gonna go killed Mad Mike and then everything will be fine. Okay buddy?" She gave him a reassuring smile and he smiled back, holding out his arms to be carried.

After she had tucked Shamus back into his bed, she went down to the lab and started lugging all of the Monsters components up to the exit tunnel. Finally she was ready. She dug her way out and put the monsters arms and legs back on and fired him up. Using the ancient computer and a pirated version of Windows Vista she programmed him to kill Mike and they set out for New Mars.

Marsbergen was half asleep in his overstuffed easy chair when the doors to his game room blew inward with such force that it not only woke him from a very erotic dream, but also left a large number of splinters in his oversized erect willie. At that very moment Shania tore into the chorus of "That don't impress me much!"

Stupefied he watched as a giant, bone based doppelganger with wicked spinning feet cleats, a crystal encrusted helmet and a shiny golden brain showing through empty eye sockets burst into the room. The girl came in after it carrying a flaming torch.

Mad Mike jumped out of his chair and hefted his impressive one eyed anaconda like a baseball bat as the monster came at him. He swung and the monsters crystal encrusted helmet glowed reading his mind. He missed as the monster move to one side. "Strike one!" the girl shouted from behind her creation!

Mike growled and swung again, his pecker slicing through the air like a samurai sword. This time the monsters spinning legs readjusted and the razor sharp cleats kicked Marsbergen square on the knob! His swing impotently missed its' target. "Strike Two!" She cried.

Mike backed quickly away, licking his wounds a little bit more than necessary in my opinion.

The monster advanced. Marsbergen crouched ready to attack. King Tut's golden brain made some lightening fast calculations and countered as Mike lunged forward.

But Mad Mike Marsbergen was nobody's fool. Just as he got to the monster he jammed the end of his huge tallywacker into the floor and pole vaulted over the boney beast!

He ran out of the house into the fields and headed for the only place he could think of... the boneyard.

The girl didn't waste any time. She jumped on her creations back and they gave chase. Mike was fast but his preposterous pecker was slowing him down, dragging in the dirt.

The monster was almost upon him when the unthinkable happened. One of it's' cleats snagged on a branch and it stumbled and fell. The girl was thrown off as the bone behemoth tumbled to the ground and broke apart. The legs bones and cleats flew in four different directions, the crystal helmet shattered and King Tut's golden brain rolled away into the mud.

Mike turned to see what all the commotion was and when he saw that her monster was destroyed he stopped running, put his hands on his hips, sat back using his boner as a tripod and laughed.

He had won again, she was dead meat. Any second now Mike would march up the hill and tear her limb from limb.

But wait, what was that smell... gasoline? The gas tank had cracked and jet fuel was spilling out onto the ground. As she watched the gas ran into the trench created by Marsbergens dragging schlong and streamed towards him.

With the last of her strength she touched her flaming torch to the high octane river and watched the flame race towards Mad Mike.

"Strike three," she said.

She smiled as he exploded in a huge fireball. "Yippee ki-yay, Marsbergen!"

When the fire had finally burned itself out, all that was left of Mad Mike Marsbergen was his skeleton made completely of ash. The little Mars-bergens immediately got in their space ships and took off in defeat.

The girl watched as the force of their takeoff blew Mike's ashes away like a fart in the wind, and humankind was saved.