For God and Corporation

by sigrist

Deep in the heart of EVIL, Inc., a secret agent contorted his body to get past the red laser tripwires. If he'd even so much as breathed on them he would have been immediately vaporized. He somersaulted beneath the crotch of an RDU—robot defence unit—that was in sleep mode. He cooed to the crying kittens, thus destroying the security's CARE Protocol.

He wasn't worried. As the best agent in GOOD Corp.'s intergalactic ranks, this mission was a cakewalk.

Beat EVIL's ancient—albeit extensive—security system, hack into the data vault, steal the cipher, assassinate the head of EVIL, get out, and be home in time to catch the new episode of Lunar Coronation Street.

That was when he found himself locked in the gas-spectrometer room. His stomach trembled.

Rule one, he thought to himself. Never eat Venusian tacos before a mission. Should've known better.

He plugged up and forced himself not to breathe as he maneuvered through the room and out the door. His years of training put to good use.

Unfortunately things went tits up right then and there. He turned to see fifteen RDUs aiming their .50-cal cannons at all his tender places. How the hell had this gone wrong?

And then it dawned on him.

No.

Moving slower than a space slug, he lowered his hand to his waist and tapped his comms unit. And seconds before the RDUs blew him to pieces, he screamed out the coded message to the boys and girls back home in High Command: "Fuck you, MadMikeMarsbergen!"

The recording cut to static then and Lisbeth rolled her head back. "So, he's dead. Just like that."

The director shrugged. "It's for the best, you know that. He was a mediocre agent. I mean, his hair, his glasses, his ridiculous clothes. He shaped his entire persona around a character from some stupid films from earth history. Films which, I wasn't surprised to learn, were complete and utter satire."

"He thought they were documentaries."

"See? He was a buffoon, Beth."

"But you filled his head with all those lies about how awesome he was and how he was the only guy who could do this. You sent him in there to die."

"Yes, well, his little distraction was enough for us to extract the information we needed without being seen. Now I can send someone with talent to do the real job."

"And who would that be?"

The director inclined his head and smiled. Lisbeth already guessed he would ask her, even though she had made it clear she wasn't interested in going deep undercover anymore.

"Put that smile away," she said.

"Beth, you said it yourself, that agent went in there to die. If you don't do this job then he died for nothing."

"No, you killed him for nothing, that's what happened. At least have the guts to say it."

"Fine, I killed him, does that make you happy? Whether you take this job or not, he's gonna be dead. You can choose to give his death meaning."

"And how am I supposed to know you're not just sending me in there to die?"

"Come on, you know you're better than he ever was. I have no doubt in my mind that you can get in there undetected and liberate the prince."

"Like I owe him anything."

"Um, he's the prince, sweetheart. Technically, you owe him damn well everything."

"I guess when you put it that way." Lisbeth took a pack of smokes from her bag and put one between her lips. As she lit it, she could see the director staring at her so she held her pack out to him. "Sorry, you want one?"

The director reached out and plucked the cigarette from Lisbeth's mouth and dropped it into her mug of coffee. She felt a flash of emotion channel through her and she fought to control it. "Right," she said as she choked down her rage. "I get it, no smoking."

"So, you'll do it?"

"I mean, could I even say no if I wanted to?"

"No."

"Then I guess I'm in."

The director nodded to her and got up out of his seat. "That's excellent. Trust me, you'll be happy you said yes. You're gonna get a chance to try out our latest weapon against the bots. Well, it's more of an armour really, either way you're gonna love it." He motioned for her to stand up and led her to the Research and Development lab down the hall. "The helmet and jacket you're about to see are the only way our scientists have ever discovered to actually blend in with the bots. With both of them on you can trick their sensors into perceiving you as one of them. You'll be able to walk right through them as if you weren't even there."

"Okay, so that handles the getting in part, what about getting out?"

"The prince knows how to get out, he just needs your help. Once you reach him, he'll tell you what comes next."

"I don't like that, I gotta know as much as I can before I go in there."

"The prince is a very capable man. He's received all the same special training as you, believe it or not. The king believes all of his children should be prepared to serve if they're needed."

"Why? I mean, he's barely even a figure head anymore. We're capable of crossing the galaxy in ships that move faster than light, why are we still blindly swearing allegiance to a powerless old fart sitting in a stiff old chair?"

"Tradition is important, Lisbeth."

"Yeah, yeah, let's just see this robo-invisibility cloak and please tell me it at least looks badass." As the director unveiled Lisbeth's new outfit, she nervously twisted ring in her lip. The helmet seemed logical enough, it would cover her entire face and she was convinced that it would cover her humanity too, but the floor length trench coat seemed less useful. It had strange tubes attached to it and it looked heavy. "I mean, I guess it does look good but damn, boss, that thing is just gonna get in my way. I can't fight in something like that."

"The point is that you won't have to fight. The coat prevents the bots from sensing your body heat, it's also lined with tech that masks vibrations from your heart and lungs with electrical impulses that mimic the functions of the bots. The helmet, aside from obviously obscuring your face, allows you to see like them. You can cycle through heat sensors, infrared, and it's even equipped with a gas spectrometer." He picked up the helmet and brought it over to Lisbeth. "Speaking of which, it also filters your breath so the bots don't pick up on all that pesky carbon dioxide."

"Wow." Lisbeth ran her finger along the contour of the helmet. "These are game changers."

"And the best way to get funding to fast track their mass production is to have our best field agent prove their effectiveness in the field, saving the corporation's golden prince from the clutches of our robotic enemies."

Lisbeth twisted her lip ring again and chuckled. "Can I try it on?"

"Of course."

She carefully pulled the helmet down over her face and it automatically turned on. She looked at the director and the display told her his body temperature and she could see clouds of carbon dioxide being expelled from his mouth. "Hey," she said as she noticed a command in the corner of the display. "It's got radio."

There was the second of static before the station came in clearly. "Welcome back to Ancient Earworms on KRWT 109.9! As you know, this week we've been exploring the popular culture aspects of the 1990's. That's right, we're going back over two hundred years and today we're on 1997. In '97, the country once known as the United States of America appointed Madeleine Albright as their first female Secretary of State. Survivor aired its first season, the longest running reality television show in history--you can catch the premiere of Survivor: Venus this Thursday and it promises to be hot, hot, hot, and of course this little ditty was all the rage. Sit tight and buckle up for the 20th century's queen of country, Shania Twain and her 1997 hit 'That Don't Impress Me Much.'"

"Is it all just educational stations?" Lisbeth asked as she took the helmet off.

"You'd be surprised what this baby can pick up, but obviously the radio is intended for comms purposes first."

"Of course."

"Good then, suit up, transport leaves in twenty."

---

Although Lisbeth was convinced that the director had done a good job briefing her, she was still surprised to find that the armour provided to her actually worked. She walked right through EVIL's exterior defenses without a glance from a single RDU. The heads-up display in her helmet showed her where to go with directions uploaded directly from High Command. There were RDUs in every hallway, hooked into power terminals and hunched over in sleep mode. As she walked past each one without triggering any of their sensors she started to feel powerful.

"Guys," she said into her mic. "This is amazing. We gotta get everyone into this armour."

"One step at a time," the director replied. "For now, let's prove to the investors that they want that as badly as we do. Focus on the job."

Lisbeth straightened her shoulders and stopped in front of an RDU. She stuck out her tongue at it and laughed. When it didn't respond she poked its head and it started to power up. "Oh crap!"

The bot straightened itself, it was much taller than Lisbeth. She backed away as it examined her. After a tense moment, the RDU slipped back into sleep mode and Lisbeth cheered.

"Let's not push our luck, Lis."

"Right, yeah, sorry." She continued on down the hallway, the hem of her robo-invisibility cloak trailing the floor. It was heavy, but that didn't stop her from standing tall with pride. She was the first person to walk into EVIL, Inc. without triggering a single alarm. She was going to go down in history.

"You're getting close now, please behave appropriately."

"When have I ever been inappropriate?"

"Please."

"Yeah, yeah, I gotta be stuffy and proper, I get it."

"That means when you get into his cell you take that helmet off to greet him, got it?"

"Is that safe?"

"Just do it,"

"Okay, okay."

"When you reach the door just plug in to the data port, the jacket will do the rest."

Lisbeth took another few turns and found the prince's cell. There were six RDUs stationed outside with the door right in the middle of them. Lisbeth approached the data port and held out her right hand. A data key extended from her hem and plugged into the port, flashing with a series of lights as it worked through EVIL's security protocols. As she waited, one of the RDUs started to light up. She watched it carefully for a second before one on her other side also began to wake up. "Uh," she said, "I think they're onto me."

"It's fine, we're working on it."

A third RDU began to perk up and then a fourth. Lisbeth could feel herself start to sweat. "I can't do this, their waking up, they know I'm trying to break in."

"It's fine, just hang tight."

"That's easy for you to say." All of the bots were awake now and one by one they were turning towards Lisbeth. She closed her eyes and felt in the deep pocket of the jacket for her plasma pistol. Just as her gloved fingers gripped it tight the data port beeped, the door opened, and the RDUs drifted back into sleep mode.

"Told you, everything is fine."

Lisbeth breathed deep, trying to bring herself back down. She was so wrapped up in what might have been her imminent doom that she didn't even notice the prince sitting hunch-shouldered in the tiny cell. When she did noticed him, she stepped inside and the door closed behind her.

"Helmet!" The director said in her ear and she reluctantly slipped it off her head.

"Your Majesty," she said with a bow. "My name is Lisbeth, I'm here to save you."

"Well, it's about time." He stood up held out his hand. "Give me your weapon."

"What?"

"I said, give me your weapon."

"With all due respect--"

"Agent, I have been trained all my life to defend myself. I can handle whatever puny weapon you were able to smuggle into here in that ridiculous get up."

"This ridiculous get up is the only thing that let me get close enough to rescue you."

The prince's face twisted and Lisbeth knew she'd crossed a line. She promised the director she'd be respectful so she pulled her pistol from her pocket and put it into the prince's hand. He tested the weight of it and shrugged. "This'll do." Then he pointed it directly at Lisbeth's head.

She threw her hands into the air and her eyes grew wide. "What are you doing?"

"Take off the jacket."

As if a cold wave had come crashing down on her, Lisbeth suddenly realized how the prince planned on escaping. This was experimental armour, she was wearing the only set. "You can't do this."

"Oh, I most certainly can. Now, hand over the helmet and take off the jacket."

She grimaced at the man and without thinking she tossed the helmet at him. It bounced off his head and split open his eye brow. "Damn it!" He yelled and pulled the trigger.

---

Lisbeth was on the ground. Her head was singed and she could smell burning hair and flesh. She tried to speak but her words came out in a jumble. She tried to stand but her body wouldn't respond. She only had control over her eyes and they darted anxiously around the tiny cell. She found the prince, dressed in her armour and holding her gun.

"I'm telling you, director," she could hear his voice from inside the helmet. "If I get out of here alive I'll make sure you get the funds to outfit every one of your agents with a suit like this."

Lisbeth tried to speak again but her throat just gurgled.

"No, she's not dead. I'll need her alive at least until I get out of here. If all signs of human life disappeared from here at once they'd realize. She's just... incapacitated."

The prince walked to the door and it slid open. He looked back and forth at his guards and when none of them responded he laughed and strode away looking more confident than Lisbeth had ever felt. As the doors began to close she tried to scream at the prince, tried to crawl for freedom, but all she could do was lie there, silently cursing the corporation.