Cochran's Worm-Hole Adventures

by AllanFisher

Professor John Cochran paced impatiently around his tiny Cambridge University laboratory muttering to himself, "...flipping Americans, never on time..." He checked his pocket watch for the fifteenth time and shook his head causing his wire-rimmed glasses to slide down his fleshy nose. He pushed them back with his middle finger, ran his fingers through his chestnut hair and continued pacing and muttering.

When the knock at the door finally came it made him jump and in his haste to open it he kicked the bundle of thick cables that snaked across the floor.

"Oh Hells bells! Just a moment!" He rushed around the lab checking connections and when he was sure everything was still plugged in and working properly he smoothed his tweed suit, straightened his bow tie and opened the door.

Branch Dawson was leaning comfortably against the door frame checking his cell phone and exuding testosterone. Branch was ostensibly Johns' assistant but somehow John always felt like it was the other way around. Branch was tall and handsome with a ten thousand watt smile and people just seem to gravitate to him (especially women). Today he was wearing an incredibly tight t-shirt and torn dungarees. Mirrored sunglasses covered his light blue eyes and his wavy blond hair hung boyishly over his wide forehead.

"Good afternoon Branch, please come in..." John said stepping to one side.

Branch stretched lazily and strolled into the lab.

"So what's so important that I had to rush right over here? Did ya break another piece of equipment? You gotta be more careful Cochran, or they're gonna pull yer funding..."

Johns' ears turned red with embarrassment and he involuntarily glanced over at the electroscope he had dropped yesterday.

"Oh no Branch, everything is tickety-boo. In fact, I have made a major break through!"

John led him over to the workbench. A white sheet had been draped over the top and with a magician's dramatic flourish John pulled the sheet away and yelled, "Viola!"

A hexagonal frame stood upright in the middle of the workbench. It was no more than a foot high and made of gold colored metal. Copper wires wrapped around the frame at set intervals and a black cable ran from the frame to a junction box and then connected to the bundle of cables on the floor. Hanging in the air in the dead center of the frame was a small black dot.

Branch looked unimpressed. "What is it?" He yawned.

John looked crestfallen but plowed ahead. "What do you mean Branch? Can't you tell? Look closely, old man... in the center of the frame!"

Branch leaned in and peered at the object. "So... it's a dot?"

"No, it's not a dot!" John yelled in frustration.

"... a decimal point..." Branch continued with a smile. He had meant it as good natured ribbing, but John was beside himself.

"It is not a decimal point! It is a worm-hole... you American oaf!" John huffed and began covering the table with the sheet again.

Branch stepped in and put a hand on Johns' shoulder. "Easy Cochran, I'm just fuckin' with ya..."

John Immediately stopped what he was doing, walked to his desk and retrieved a jar of coins from the drawer. He shook the jar in Branch's face causing the coins to jingle loudly. "Ah, ah, ah... you know the rules Branch... twenty-five cents for the F-word."

Branch dutifully tossed a quarter in the swear jar and chuckled. "A worm-hole, huh? That's cool..."

John stared at him incredulously. "Cool... that's the best you can do? This is the biggest scientific breakthrough in the history of all mankind and all you can say is it's... "cool"?"

"Well, I just...." Branch started.

"Don't you see what this means?" John continued. "Space travel, Branch. We can fly a space craft into one end of this and come out on the other side of the galaxy! The speed of light is no longer a barrier! We can explore the universe!"

Branch looked dubious. "You're gonna need a pretty small spaceship, buddy." He said looking at the tiny black dot.

"My goodness Branch, I thought you had a basic grasp of string theory! When it comes to physics, size doesn't matter! I made the hole tiny so that the event horizon would be microscopic. If I hadn't the entire planet could have been sucked through!"

"Oh... uh... so then how do you use it?" Branch asked.

"With this!" John held up a shiny metal box. It had two long rectangles on top and a lever on one side.

Branch reached out to grab the device. "A toaster, Cochran?" He sneered.

"It is not a toaster!" John snapped, pulling the box away from Branch protectively.

"Looks like a toaster, dude."

John spoke slowly through clenched teeth. "It – is – not- a – toaster."

Branch chuckled and waved his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, okay, it's not a toaster. Here let me take a look." He held out his hand.

Reluctantly John passed him the device. "I call it a Quantum Doorknob," John said proudly.

"You're a quantum doorknob," Branch mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" John asked cupping his ear.

Branch gave him a big smile. "Nothing Cochran, nothing.... so how does it work?"

John happily launched into lecture mode. "Oh, it's simple, you just push down on the lever and that opens the worm-hole and allows you to pass through. Now the act of pushing the lever creates a quantum event in the worm-holes' matrix setting off a cascade effect. Of course, I haven't calibrated it yet so..."

Branch pushed the lever.

~o0O0o~

Stretching... that's how it felt. Like a child pulling on a rope of playdoh. John's body was a rubber band and it was being pulled in five different directions at once. From the top of his head to the tip of his toes he spanned the universe... stretched as thin as gossamer... about to snap at any moment.

Somewhere he heard Branch scream. "Coooochraaan... whaaaaat.... thhe... fuuuuuuck?"

Snap!

He was back. Or at least he wasn't stretching anymore. Slowly John opened his eyes and saw Branch. The tall good looking man in the too-tight t-shirt was standing in front of him looking at the Quantum Doorknob in amazement. John looked around, they weren't in the lab anymore. They appeared to be in a massive cave of some sort. Half of Johns desk and most of his white board had made the journey with them and now stood at an angle to their right. Branch looked at John and smiled guiltily.

John grabbed the swear jar off of the desk and shook it in Branch's face.

"That'll be twenty-five cents, Branch!" He demanded.

Branch retrieved a coin from his pocket and dropped it in the jar.

John angrily put the jar to one side. "Do you realize what you've done?"

"I think I just became the first worm-hole-onaut." He answered.

"Are you mad, you crazy American? We could have ended up in the vacuum of deepest space... or embedded in solid rock! I haven't calibrated the Quantum Doorknob yet, so there is no telling where we are, you fool!" John screamed, beside himself with indignation.

Branch scratched his head and gave John a lopsided smile. "In my defense... I really didn't think it was going to work..." He said lamely.

John shook his head sadly. "Do you know what you are Branch?" He asked, but then continued without waiting for an answer. "You, my Yankee friend, are a dullard... an imbecile... a half-wit... an ignoramus... in short... you are mentally defective and, if I am somehow able to get us back to England, you are sacked.

Branch looked at him quizzically.

"Fired, Branch, you are fired!" John yelled. Then he stormed over to the white board, took out a marker and started doing calculations.

Branch shrugged and walked away as John scribbled numbers and symbols frantically, ignoring him.

John worked on the math for hours, only to find himself lost in a haze of integers and Algebra. Eventually, he gave in to fatigue and sprawled out across his desk with a pile of books for a pillow and slept.

~o0O0o~

"Cochran! Cochran, wake up!" John looked up to see Branchs' face just inches from his own. The man was shaking him and yelling.

"What is it Branch? What's going on?" He asked sleepily.

"Come on Cochran, you have to see it!" Branch took off and John followed reluctantly grabbing the Quantum Doorknob.

"Slow down!" He called as the American led the way towards the dark recesses of their cave. A small tunnel appeared and Branch entered it with John far behind. "Wait for me!"

The tunnel zigged and zagged towards a tiny pinpoint of light. It grew and grew until finally, John burst into the sunlight. Branch was already there staring out over a lush green valley. A huge rainforest filled the lowland and the ceiling above them arched upward and over the forest until it was at least a mile above. Millions of stalactites hung down from the rock covered sky each dripping water, mimicking the rainfall of Johns' beloved England.

Branch raised his arm and pointed, "Look..." he said.

John cast his gaze out over the green of the forest to see what Branch was pointing at and couldn't believe his eyes.

It was a city... a city like no other... At its heart was a temple reminiscent of the Great Pyramid of Giza but so much larger, and perfectly white. So white it glowed like a beacon. It was topped by a golden cap that shone brightly reflecting what John had incorrectly thought was the sun. As he stared upwards now, he saw that it was not a star but a jewel embedded in the rocky ceiling so far above. It gave off a beautiful, muted light that was easy to look at and yet was as bright as a summer's day.

The city around the pyramid beckoned them and John found himself following Branch wordlessly down a well-worn path.

The journey was easy as the path was straight and wide with no surprises. Within an hour they had made it to the outskirts of the city. Small, well-maintained homes of mud brick greeted them as they exited the jungle and small olive skinned people came out to greet them in a language that was quick and somehow familiar. John tried to make sense of it as a gaggle of beautiful, smiling women led them further into the city, towards the Great Pyramid.

The buildings around them became larger and more ornate the closer they got to the pyramid. The dirt path changed to cobblestone and then grew to a wide paved roadway. Mud brick homes gave way to limestone bungalows and then polished marble mansions. Immaculate gardens with statues and fountains lined the laneway. Ahead at the end of the wide thoroughfare was the Great Pyramid itself.

A dozen tall, beautiful, blond women with long white toga styled gowns and bare feet stood before them. The gowns hung from the left shoulder leaving the right breast bare and John looked away in embarrassment. Branch, however, stared wantonly at the girls with a wolfish grin on his face.

"Can you believe it, Cochran? I mean, just look at them..." He whispered.

But John had spotted something more interesting than mammary glands. He approached a large flat chiseled stone that was embedded in the roadway. It was the same text written in three different languages, a Rosetta Stone! Two of the scripts were meaningless to him but the third was Latin, and he read words in awe.

When he was done he turned to Branch, "My God... it's Atlantis..." He said.

"But I thought Atlantis sank under the ocean?" Branch answered without taking his eyes off of the girl's chests."

John smiled gleefully, "Oh it sank alright... but not into the ocean... into the earth itself! The worm-hole simply dug down into the earth and deposited us here!"

Branch was confused, "So we're at the center of the earth?"

"Yes," John answered barely believing it himself. " Edmund Halley was right, the earth is hollow... and inhabited."

The women bounced down the steps, greeted them with flowers and they spoke in soothing lyrical tones leading Branch and John into the pyramid.

Inside was like nothing either man had ever seen. Every surface was covered in gold and gleamed blindingly. Even the floor was made of solid gold and Branch's large feet left shallow footprints in the pure, soft metal. They were taken to a huge inner chamber and suddenly the woman fell to their knees and began chanting.

There was a low rumble that seemed to vibrate through the floor beneath their feet and the entire wall across from them began to move. Two sections of gold and marble ground against each other parting to reveal a giant throne room. Branch and John slowly walked into the room and stood before a massive throne, atop which sat a tiny old man wearing nothing but a golden crown. The King, for that is the only thing he could be, was incredibly ancient. His face was creased and wrinkled like a rotten crab apple, his eyes no more than wet slits. Even his genitalia was lost in a mass of paper thin, loose flesh. He opened his toothless mouth and spoke the unintelligible language.

Branch looked over at John who shrugged his shoulders.

The King spoke again, louder this time but still in the same sing-song language.

"I'm sorry... we don't understand..." John said.

Guards suddenly appeared on either side of the throne. They pointed long, razor sharp spears at the two men.

"Wait... no!" John shouted.

The King yelled what was obviously a command and the guards began to attack.

Suddenly a sound assaulted Johns' ears. It was "How Bizarre" by New Zealand pop band OMC. Branch was holding his iPhone above his head and blasting his favorite '90s mix.

The music seemed to captivate the Atlanteans. The shriveled King spoke and the guards stopped their advance. The old man rose and stepped down from his throne. He stood before Branch, removed his crown and placed it on the Americans' head.

The old King and the guards then fell to their knees and bowed to Branch.

"Hey look, Cochran, I think they just made me their King!"

John stared at Branch with obvious hatred. "Oh, for fuck's sake!" He spat.

"Ah, ah, ah..." said Branch, rattling the swear jar in Johns' face. "Twenty-five cents for the F-word!"

John reached into his pocket and flipped a coin into the jar. Then he gave Branch the finger, grabbed one of the girls and pushed the lever on the Quantum Doorknob.