Nikki knows everything and still shows up each afternoon with a smile. Some days there's paint under her fingernails; others, she'll have smudges on her face. It doesn't make her any less beautiful, doesn't stop the joy in my chest kindling into a destructive blaze.

She's starting to take up my space. Nikki sketching in Rusty's stall while I lunge my other charges. Nikki making that adorable growing noise girls do when they can't reach things. Nikki in yoga leggings, sitting at the island drinking cocoa with too many marshmallows. The house is starting to feel empty without her easy laughter and twinkling crystal eyes.

I can handle slices of her. The fall of her hair over her shoulder, the way her sweatshirt rides up and exposes a band of skin, how her thighs grow taut when she stands on tiptoe to pet Rusty's special spot. It's better than facing all of her, realizing I care, knowing I shouldn't.

Every night I take her home, stop at the bottom of the hill. Every night I pretend those paint-stained hands aren't gripping my heart tighter and tighter.

Sometimes I swear I feel her eyes linger. I grow brave, find excuses to touch, hold, caress. I see that glass, that trepidation every time I lose myself in her art. She thinks she's not good enough. Bullshit. This girl is incredible, and I'll do everything in my power to ensure she sees that.

The sky is gray with pregnant snow clouds, though nothing yet falls. I woke up early to get all my chores done, wait for her as she rounds the bend of the country lane, walks up my driveway.

Her hair is in a braid down her back, ears covered by a long-knit cap. That same fur-collared coat covers her to the hips, tapers into skinny jeans and black knee-high boots. She's prettier than a Christmas carol, striking as the midnight sky with her dark hair and bright eyes.

"Hey," is her casual greeting.

My heart beats a little quicker. "Hey."

"I'm used to finding you." Bright blues trail the reins in my hand, the fully tacked horses that flank me. "Not being greeted with an entourage."

I smile, she gives me a suspicious look. "You ready?"

A slow blink. "What?"

I hold out Azure's reins. "We're going for a ride."

Azure is a red quarter horse, even-tempered and in love with Rusty. I swear the mare will follow him anywhere. She's only 14 hands but a fantastic fit for Nikki's frame. Plus, her steady gait makes her easy for a beginner.

Nikki just blinks again. "Um, on the horses?"

"No, on a magic carpet." I deadpan, jab the reins at her again. "Here."

Her face goes white as the snow on the ground. "I can't – uh –"

I chuckle. "You'll be fine. Just put your feet in the stirrups, hold on to the reins; Azure will do the rest."

Nikki balks. "Azure? She's red!"

I glance at the horse again, taking in the chestnut coat and mane. "I know."

Nikki scowls, trying to hide her grin, and crosses her arms. "You did that on purpose." My smile widens. Nikki rolls her eyes and haughtily snatches Azure's reins.

I squat down, lace my fingers. "Step up."

Nikki looks at my hands held beside Azure's midsection. Then her gaze flicks up. "Like, in your hands? What're you going to do? Toss me like a bean bag?"

I chuckle, patiently wait for her to comply. Nikki stares a moment longer, grumbles something, then flattens her boot between my hands. "Push," I tell her; at the same moment, I propel her leg up.

Nikki's stomach collides with the saddle, legs dangling helplessly. "Forest! Help!"

Her yelp of alarm makes me laugh, even though I shouldn't. I nudge one leg across Azure's back, slowly shifting her into an upright position. She wriggles, clutching at the saddle horn with a death grip.

"Sit up; you won't get anywhere lying on Azure's shoulders like that." I chastise teasingly.

Nikki shoots me a ferocious glare, lips pinched, eyes flashing. "Shove it." Then she rises on her hands, grip still tight on the leather.

I shake my head and maneuver the ball of her feet into the stirrups, adjust their length slightly to accommodate her. "Okay, how's that feel?"

Nikki giggles nervously, eyes wild. "It feels like I'm sitting on the back of a massive creature and no clue how to drive it."

"You don't drive horses. You lead them." I gently pry her fingers free and place the reins between her palms.

"Oh, what could possibly go wrong there." Nikki retorts.

I ignore it, focus on vaulting onto Rusty's back. "Don't haul on the reins. You only use those to steer or stop. If you pull unnecessarily, you'll piss her off. Use your heels to get her going, don't be afraid to give a sturdy kick."

I demonstrate, tapping my heels into Rusty's sides and clicking my tongue. He starts forward at a trot, ears perked. We go only a short way before I pull on his reins, slow to a stop.

I glance over my shoulder at Nikki, pull Rusty around to face her. Her jaw is locked tight, arms tense.

"Try it." Her lips thin, and she shakes her head, black braid whipping from shoulder to shoulder. "Nik, you won't fall. Just try."

Hesitantly, Nikki knocks her feet into Azure's sides. Azure snorts and walks forward lazily. Except Nikki jerks on the left rein, and they amble in a circle, Azure tossing her head with irritation.

"Forest!" Nikki yelps, "Make her walk straight!"

I sigh and nudge Rusty forward, brushing us up against Nikki and Azure. The two horses pause with their noses pressed close, breath fogging in the cold. Nikki exhales in frank relief.

"Don't pull on the reins unless you want her to turn or stop." I murmur, more amused than agitated. "Keep them loose, let Azure follow Rusty. She won't wander far from him."

Nikki nods and rests her hands at the front of the saddle, reins held tightly but with enough length for Azure to turn her head and look back at us. I reach out and pat the horse's neck, brushing my fingers over Nikki's in the process.

"You know, since you're with me, you need to learn how to ride a horse." I tease.

"With you?" She voices, curious and quiet.

I withdraw, surprised by my own words, shocked that they managed to escape. "For now, while you draw us," I say, covering for the slip with a half-truth. "Let's go."

I kick Rusty's sides, he snaps away from Azure in a slow walk. She copies Rusty's movements, a bit quicker to keep up with his long stride, nose by his withers.

I pretend not to care that Nikki's right behind me, don't want to notice every time she yelps when Azure jerks, her hooves hitting rocky ground. Rusty makes the same motions, but I'm so used to the sensation of his lumbering gait that I hardly notice. I pretend I don't feel her eyes like hot pokers in my neck, that I didn't admit too much a moment ago.

We take the trail by the farm, slipping into the snow-covered woods. Ice glistens from tree branches, flurries fly underfoot, and there's hardly a creature to be heard. My sanctuary. The only place I've felt at peace since Kate.

When I do cave and look at Nikki, she's contentedly seated on Azure's back, hands on her knees, reins free. Her head turns, eyes shining as she takes in the white woods. Heat spreads across her cheeks and nose, windburned and beautiful.

"This is awesome," Nikki breathes, meeting my gaze with her blue ones.

I nod, allow myself to linger on her a moment too long. "Amazing." I agree, only I'm not just talking about the horses.

Nikki's clear gaze meets mine, lips parted with wonder. She looks like a Currier and Ives picture-print, all angelic splendor against the snowy forest. My heart shudders, and I swear she sees it. Her eyes shimmer like fresh-fallen snow, flit down to my mouth and back up. Color that has nothing to do with the cold floods her cheeks.

"...Forest."

My name, her voice. It stokes that ember, makes it roar. Suddenly I wish we were anywhere but here. I want her in my arms, tongues twined. I want to make her forget the pain of this holiday like she's made me forget mine.

This girl could break you. Self-preservation reminds me.

"I don't care," I whisper back.

The moment is shattered with the loud snap and crack of a tree somewhere in the woods. Maybe it's an animal, perhaps it's the cold weight of snow cleaving a limb. Regardless, Azure wants nothing to do with it.

The quarter horse rears, roaring a whinny, throwing her rider off balance. Thankfully Nikki has the right instincts to grip the saddle horn, hang on. Azure comes down hard on her front hooves, knocking Nikki flat against the saddle. She shrieks.

"Woah!" I hop off Rusty, grip Azure's bridle before she can toss her head, and further unseat Nikki. "Easy, girl, easy."

Azure calms, neck, and head bending low as Rusty snorts and nudges at her. I look up at Nikki, who's contracted into a tight ball of alarm.

"Get me down," she whispers unsteadily and reaches for me. I frown, about to reassure her, but the way her fingers shake silence me. "Get me down!" Nikki's voice climbs an octave.

"Swing your leg over the saddle and slide off," I direct, placing myself beside Azure and framing her with my arms. Nikki nods and clumsily manages to curl her leg over the horse's back. She faces me and rests her hands on my forearms.

"I'm going to fall." Nikki grips me with fear-ridden fingers.

I step closer. "I won't let you. Hands on my shoulders."

Nikki's blue eyes pin me in place as she slowly creeps her butt off the saddle, legs tensing. I feel her nails biting into my skin even through the dense layers, grip her hips when she starts to gain momentum, and pull her into me. When she's clear, I swing her around, place her feet on the ground softly.

She throws her arms around my neck and presses her face under my chin, breathing fast. Having her so close sends shockwaves through my body, makes my mind blank, and I struggle not to lose all thought. "Nik, you're fine." I soothe, running my hands over her back.

Nikki shakes her head, and I feel the rocking motion of it against my chest. "She almost threw me off."

"It happens. Horses get scared sometimes. You know how many times I've been thrown?"

Nikki looks up. "No."

"More than I can count."

She wrinkles her nose, eyes widening. "What do you do then?"

A wry smile tugs at my lips, and I brush my fingers over her cheek, exhaling at the soft sensation of her skin. "I get up and try again."

Nikki stares at me, lips parted slightly, and places her hand over mine, our fingers interlocking.

My jaw tenses and I know I should pull away, but everything about her makes me immobile. "...Nikki."

She presses forward, rising on her tiptoes so that we're mere inches apart. The fire that burns inside her blazes up, blinding me. Fire and ice. She makes a soft, whimpering sound, and my control snaps in an avalanche of longing.

I close the gap between us and press our lips together. Nikki gasps, instantly melting under my hold as I pull her in tighter, wanting, needing, more. Heat spreads from every place we touch, surrounding us in a bubble of light that puts all things Christmas to shame. I angle her head, deepening the kiss, and feel the ice around my heart cracking, shattering into a million glistening shards.

I'm not sure how long we kiss. Seconds...hours. I don't care. My imagination did her no justice. I'm lost in her taste, her smell, the feel of her body finally, finally, in my arms where she belongs.

Rusty shoves my shoulder with his nose. The action has me stumbling, and I break the kiss, holding onto Nikki as I attempt to regain my balance. "Shit," I swear, and Nikki giggles. "Damn horse."

Rusty stares at me with black eyes and snorts, lips peeling back in a whinny.

"I think he's saying get a room." Nikki laughs, burying her face against me.

I grunt, glaring at the massive creature with irritation. "He has the worst timing."

I trail my fingers over Nikki's braid, wishing I could tear it free. But Nikki pulls away with a shy smile and presses her hands on either side of Rusty's face, stroking slowly. An odd spark of something sharp and green burns in my chest, and I shake my head, squashing the feeling vehemently.

You will not be jealous of a horse.

"Forest?" Nikki interrupts my brooding, and I glance at her. She meets my eyes, cheek bumping Rusty's nose. "Will you come to the tree lighting with me?"

For a moment, I think I misunderstood her. But the longer we stare at each other, the more I realize she's being serious. "W-what?" I stutter, turning to grip Azure's reins, suddenly needing something to do with my hands.

"Please, Forest." Nikki prompts, "It'll be fun."

I bite down on the urge to throw insults at her, fight to force back the wall of separation that threatens to shut me down. "I can't," I choke, fisting my hand in Azure's mane.

"You can."

I whirl to face her, the lines of my face twisting in an angry scowl. "Nik, I can't. Your brother and sister will be there, the whole town will be there. They know what happened, they know I'm not –" ...good enough.

They'd be right. I'm not good enough for Nikki. She's warm, bright, caring, creative. I'm just a hollow, mangled version of the man I once was.

Nikki lets go of Rusty and comes toward me. Her cool fingers on my clenched fists silence my doubts. When she touches me, I feel warm. I feel worthy. I want, I need. It's selfish, and I can't quite bring myself to care.

"They know you've cut yourself off from everyone; they know what you've let them believe." She argues. "They don't know what I know."

"And what's that?" I breathe, dare to hope.

"You're good, kind, and smart." Nikki bites her lip, looking up at me through her lashes. "Please come with me. If it's awful, you can leave. Just come."

I crumble under her touch, relax into the steady sound of her breathing. Her crystalline eyes undo me, and I drop my head.

"Okay."