TRIGGER WARNING: this is a very heavy angst chapter, if you dont do well with the following topics i suggest you do not continue. su*c*d3, n00se. s3lf rm, de6th, grief.

told my friend i'd write ANGSTy aNgSt- so this is what i came up with. if you cry let me know, i have fluff coming out soon. requests open  <3

if you like angst, enjoy! if you dont, please skip hun don't waste your time getting triggered. i dont want to trigger anyone im just here to write.

love you guys

words: 1502

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    it was a dark spring day, the warm weather met with a cool breeze that made it perfect for hoodie weather. but for tommy any weather was hoodie weather. he only ever wore long sleeves; he never left his room without sleeves on his scarred arms. but nobody ever seemed to notice what was going on, not even his older brother technoblade.

it was phil, wilbur, techno and tommy in this family, they were all close, but lately tommy had been drifting, he felt like he was fading away and never truly there, he was always disconnected from everyone, like he was there but not actually there. 

he hated his own personality, he found himself annoying. he would always check his comments and think about all the negativity he received. 

he used to be so bubbly and happy, he used to enjoy goofing off with his family and friends, but it seemed that everyone was annoyed with his behavior, or was it just tommy overthinking?

"alright, ill talk to you latter toby." tommy cheerfully said goodbye to his best friend before leaving the discord call. he took his headphones off and sat back in his gaming chair, sighing and looking out the window, 'god im so annoying, he probably wanted me to leave since the moment i joined.'

he thought back to happier times, when him and his brothers would hang out and play games. he was closer with techno than anyone. he remembered the nights he would spend in techno's room crying and ranting to him about anything, and techno would listen every time. he would hug him and comfort him, and make him laugh as he cheered him up.

he missed nights spent with techno. now he seemed so distant, but he did this to himself. he suppressed his true personality for the sake of others. he was just a problem, just a nuisance, a problem child. 

tommy shook his head to get out of his thoughts, but it didn't work. he was having urges to hurt himself, he didn't feel like he was enough for himself, for anyone. he grabbed his razor from inside his desk but dropped it when there was a knock at his door. "c- come in." tommy muttered, kicking the metal under his desk and hoping nobody noticed. 

techno pushed the door open, greeting his little brother. "hey tomms, you wanna watch a movie with us?" he asked, "watcha watchin?" tommy sounded happy and upbeat despite being tired and depressed. "we were thinking about interstellar, sound good?" techno asked, to which tommy nodded. "ill be right down." he smiled at his brother. 

"alright, see ya downstairs." and with that, techno left. the blonde boy waited until he heard him go down the stairs before he got out of his chair and grabbed the razor once again and walked into the bathroom. he sighed and sat on the edge of the tub, knowing exactly what was about to come. and there were so, so many more marks. countless, seemingly endless. 

he cried silently, wishing he could go back and fix things before he broke them, before he annoyed anything. he thought he was being funny but he was just annoying every time. every fucking time. why did he never give anyone a break? little did he realize how much everyone around him actually loved him and cared for him deeply, his family would do anything for him.

he wiped away his tears as he bandaged his arms up, blood seeping through the white material that covered his brokenness. he cleaned everything up and hid the blade in a drawer before putting on a happy face and walking down the creaky stairs.

"what took so long?" phil asked, holding the remote, "i was in the bathroom." tommy chuckled, but he was being honest. sure everyone can just think he took a shit or something he didn't care. but he couldn't be honest, he couldn't be even more of a problem child. 

the blonde sat down next to techno, leaning into his side as the older put an arm around the teen. he missed nights like these. he leaned his head down on techno's shoulder and halfway through the movie fell asleep snuggled at his side. 

when he awoke, he was in his bed. checking the time, it was five in the morning. he guessed the lack of sleep finally caught up to him so he passed out cold last night. 

he laid there, staring at the ceiling for a few minutes. he couldn't fall back asleep, he felt like there was a heavy weight on his chest and it was heavier than usual, but he couldn't cry. 

it was still dark outside, but he knew that the dawn would soon rise. was this his sunrise? would he even see this sunrise?

dark thoughts started to overtake him, he let out a groan but knew his urges were taunting him to something far worse than what the razor held...

he couldn't do this anymore, he decided it was all too much, the weight of the world was so heavy on him.

he rolled out of bed, 'techno probably hated carrying me to bed.' he thought, dragging himself to his closet. he pulled out a rope, already tied in the specific knot. 

he pulled his chair out and stood on it so he could tie the rope to the ceiling fan. he took a heavy breath as he stepped down, the noose dangling loose and taunting him. he held back a choked sob as he rummaged through a drawer and pulled out letters. scarlet letters.

tommy set them out on his bed, knowing someone would find them and see all their nams on each one. he exited his room, going into phil's, then wilbur's, and finally techno's. he needed to say his last goodbyes.

he went back into his room and shut the door; he felt a strange sense of relief knowing he would soon be free. but his heart sank at the same time, he would never see anyone again, nobody would ever see him... ever again.

he stood up on his chair and put the rope around his neck, tears rushing down his flushed face. he would no longer be a problem; people would be free from him. from him and his issues. 

he grabbed the rope and strung it around his neck, pulling the knot close to the back of his neck. a few tears rolled down his cheeks as his life flashed before his eyes. "goodbye..." he whispered, snuffling one last time.

and he kicked the chair away. and he fell.

time passed and the sun had risen, the boy had been there the whole time, blood running down from his neck and staining his clothes. a dark image to withold.

there was a knock at the door, and tehcno's voice echoed through the hallway, "tomms, time to get up." when he didn't hear a response he knocked again. silence. he opened the door, and what he saw made his eyes go wide, and caused his heart to stop. 

"TOMMY-" he yelled as a sob escaped his lips, rushing to his little brother. he held him up and took off the rope, "DAD-" he shrieked, holding tommy in his arms and falling to the ground, hugging him close and sobbing into his bloody shirt, his whole body shaking. 

he listened for a heartbeat, but there was none to be heard, no pulse to be felt. techno held tommy, his lifeless body limply in his arms. he held tommy's face and tried to wake him up, "tommy- tommy tommy PLEASE-"

adrenaline pumped in his ears, and he couldn't hear, he could barely see through the tears. he couldn't feel. he barely noticed when phil and wilbur came rushing into the room.

~~~

it was raining, the sky was gray, nothing was ever the same. techno sat in front of the grave, the same grave he went to for years. the grave of his brother who didn't beat his battle with depression. 

the man pulled his knees to his chest, "i miss you, everyday tommy..." he tilted his head as tears rushed to his deep hazel eyes and raced down his cheeks. 

"it's been five years, bubba, today would've been your twenty third birthday." he took the bouquet of flowers beside him and took out a few, laying them around and on his grave.

"im sorry i didn't know how much you were hurting, im sorry i was too late..." he sobbed as he hugged onto the gravestone, this has ruined techno. he was broken. he hadnt cut his hair since tommy died, because he knew that tommy always liked it long.

the grief had drawn him mad, he had heavy bags under his eyes and his mental state was in shambles. he was a broken man. but he refused to lose this battle, he would be strong for his family, for tommy. 

every day he thought of tommy, there was soo much he wished he had said and done...

so much he wished he could change.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n

holy shit that was heavy..-

if you're struggling please reach out for help, there are so many people who love and care about you, dont you ever think you arent worth it, nothing compares to your worth <3

yes reader, im talking to you