AUTHOR'S POV  

You              Not good enough.

The office instantly fills with silence as Laurent drops his head...surprised yet not surprised at his admission. In just a matter of minutes he's discovering why counseling is so necessary. It isn't about talking to a stranger, it's about discovering hidden truths...revealing things about himself that he knows but mostly, things about himself he doesn't know... 

Dr. Hall: "That's a powerful revelation Laurent".

Laurent: "Yeah", he whispers.

She sees two tears fall from his eyes and onto his lap so she reaches over at the table next to her and pulls some Kleenex from the box...

Dr. Hall: "Here you go".

Laurent looks up and gently takes the Kleenex from her hand then whispers, "thank you" before wiping his tears away. For a few moments he's doing ok...even if it was just a small release of emotion...

Dr. Hall: "So what we have to figure out now is what caused this feeling within yourself and how that's related to the abuse of your twin. We've established that he received a substantial amount of attention whether it was from family or girls but are there other areas in which he received the same amount of attention"?

Laurent: "In dance. He just got better and stronger. When I look at myself I don't see the same thing. The fans probably don't know we do this but we go on YouTube and watch us videos and I see the comments. One time I watched a clip from Juste Debout 2011 and I saw a comment that said, "When Laurent was actually better than Larry". That was all it said...but it didn't need to say anything else. I realized then that everyone thinks he's better now".

Dr. Hall: "I see. So is it safe to assume that the comment has always been in the back of your mind"?

Laurent: *nods head* "I think for it all the time, especially when we battle. But the thing is, I'm glad my twin is such a great dancer and I'm proud of him. It's just...." *pause* "I don't know".

Dr. Hall: "With what your mind was subjected to growing up in terms of the level of praise your twin received, during those moments the feelings resurface. Am I correct"?

Laurent: "Yeah. That's correct".

Dr. Hall: "And a part of you tries to figure out what to do so you can be the best again"?

Laurent: "Exactly. I even see the comments in my head when I dance and I hope I become stronger in that moment".

Dr. Hall: "Well sibling rivalry comes with being part of a family so it's normal to be competitive when it comes to something such as dance. However, in your case it obviously goes beyond that. You have internal factors attached to it that make it much deeper than what's considered "typical" sibling rivalry. These factors have been lingering for years and after so long they start to build up. Now usually correlation doesn't equal causation but in your case I believe it does".

Laurent: "Correlation? What does that mean"? 

Dr. Hall: "That phrase simply means that a correlation or relation between two things does not necessarily mean that one causes the other but with you...this has everything to do with your recent behaviors. You've just had it suppressed for so long you were unaware. And I'm willing to bet that when something happens between the two of you, you start to say things that either you're not aware you're saying or those memories come back like a flood and you're aware of everything you're saying at that moment".

Laurent has a quick flashback of telling Larry how perfect he is while beating him...

Dr. Hall: "Am I correct"?

He can't even say anything. He can only nod his head and drop it in shame...

Dr. Hall: "Well it seems like we're really scratching the surface here so I would like you to do something for me. You see that mirror over there"?

Laurent slowly lifts his head, looks in the direction she's pointing and nods...

Dr. Hall: "I would like you to get up, go over and stand in front of it".

He's reluctant to but does as she requests. With her body turned towards him and legs crossed, she rests her elbow on the arm of the chair and her chin rests on her fist as she watches him observe himself...

Dr. Hall: "Now I just want you to tell me what you see. This is called free association so whatever adjective comes to your mind to describe yourself or anything in general you want to say I want you to say it".

He gulps as he looks at the person looking back at him...

Laurent: "I...I see ugly". (A/N: I'm not sure if everyone has seen it but there was a video of Laurent saying he doesn't like his face. I think it's either private now or it's been removed). 

Dr. Hall: "Describe what ugly is to you".

Laurent: "Everything. Too many muscles in my face. Ugly lips. Ugly nose".

Dr. Hall: "And why do you see that"?

~flashback to 20 years old~

Laurent: "I'm in love with you Marie".

Marie just stares at him with a blank look and it does intimidate Laurent...but having already revealed something major he decides to continue...

Laurent: "I...I just want to know how you feel for me".

Marie: "You're a nice person Laurent but to be honest, you're too goofy for me".

Laurent: "I...I just try to have fun and make people laugh".

Marie: "It's just too much sometimes. It can be annoying".

Laurent: *drops head* "Oh".

Marie: "And besides that, Larry looks better and I like him more".

Although still hurt he brings his head back up to remind her of something...

Laurent: "But Larry already has a girlfriend".

Marie: *shrugs* "I'm sure it won't last long so I'll wait for him. He's worth it".

~end of flashback~

Dr. Hall: "And how did that make you feel"?

Laurent: "Worthless".

Dr. Hall: "Wow. That's a really strong word Laurent and we'll get to the usage of that word later but I have to say, it sounds like she never described you the way you just described yourself".

Laurent: "No she didn't".

Dr. Hall: "Was there another incident where someone else did"?

Laurent: "Other girls turned me down...but none of them said that. I guess it doesn't really matter because I never felt the same way about the others like I did her".

Dr. Hall: "Hurt feelings are still hurt feelings".

Laurent: "Yeah you're right".

Dr. Hall: "From my observation, if no one has told you these things it seems as though you've convinced yourself that this is how you truly look and it's brought on some strong feelings of inadequacy. And these feelings have not only crippled how you feel about yourself aesthetically, but how you feel about yourself in general".

Laurent: "Yeah that's right". *pause* "I just wanted to feel...."

Dr. Hall: "Wanted"?

Laurent: "Yeah and since it never happened I guess I did tell myself it's because I'm ugly".

Silence fills the room as she thinks about what he said then decides to switch it up slightly...

Dr. Hall: "I see. So having convinced yourself that you look this way and realizing you don't have control over how you look perhaps you felt you lost control over everything in your life. And the abuse you subjected your brother to was a way of taking that control back because after all, the fact that so many people favored him over you in your mind the main problem was with him"?

More tears fall from his eyes only this time they're at a relentless speed...

Laurent: "I...I didn't think for it that way".

Taking notice of his crying... 

Dr. Hall: "It's ok Laurent". *pause* "Do you see anything else? Respond when you're ready".

He then thinks about Stephanie's words as his tears begin to settle...

"You're a monster. Plain and simple".

Laurent: "A monster for hurting my brother all those times". 

Dr. Hall: "I wouldn't go that far and call you a monster". *pause* "I understand why it upsets you but...you love your brother correct"?

Laurent: "More than anything".

Dr. Hall: "What's his name", she asks sweetly. 

Laurent: "Larry".

Dr. Hall: "Describe what it is you love about Larry other than him being your twin. What are his qualities"?

Laurent: "Everything about him is amazing. His talent. The way he cares for people. His beautiful smile. His laugh. The way...."

He has to stop himself before he reveals too much...but he can go on forever about his love... 

Laurent: "He's just so wonderful. That's why I don't understand why I hurt him like that".

Dr. Hall: "That's the scary part about suppressed memories. Even with all the love in the world there's pain and even though it's pain that Larry didn't cause directly you've associated that pain with him and it hasn't been dealt with. As a result you've engaged in behaviors that you're not proud of and regret. From the sound of it, you regret those things tremendously".

Laurent just stands there as he continues gazing at himself then watches two tears fall from his eyes. Although Dr. Hall is spot on with everything he's also realizing he fell in love with Larry for the same reason everyone else does including the fans. One minute he's this powerhouse when he's dancing, flooring everyone with his footwork and his signature moves. Or he's doing these sultry movements and thrusting his hips as if his life depends on it. Then the next minute he's a big kid flashing his bunny teeth along with the most beautiful smile you can ever see. How can someone not fall in love with him? More moments pass as Laurent continues his disappointing stare at himself before he hears her voice again...

Dr. Hall: "You can come and have a seat now".

Laurent takes his hand and wipes his tears away in one smooth up and down motion before coming over and sitting down...

Dr. Hall: "One thing that we have to understand is that the words of others should have no power over us. I know it's easier said than done but we have to know our self-worth. It's unique to us just like our personalities are and it should not be based off of what other people think. Just because no one views us the way we would like them to we do ourselves a huge disservice when we don't hold ourselves in high regard. That's why it's called self-worth and being in tune with it doesn't make us cocky. It makes us confident". *pause* "So now that we have a good start to everything I would like to introduce you to the type of therapy I will use which I think you will benefit the most from. I have many go-to theories and of course they're tailored to each client but with you I'll be using Cognitive-Behavior therapy. Cognitive referring to our thinking. Behavior referring to our actions. What this theory essentially means is that the way we think influences our subsequent behaviors. Thus, negative thoughts lead to negative behaviors so we have to find a way to curtail your thinking. You change your negative thinking, you change your negative behavior".

Laurent: "How will we do that"?

Dr. Hall: "By the use of cognitive restructuring. We will get into that more as our sessions go along but I'll give you an example. If someone says, "I'm such a screw up. I never do anything right". That person is instructed to re-phrase that statement into a more positive one such as, "I made a mistake but everyone makes mistakes. I'll get better the more I learn".

Laurent: *nods* "I understand".

Dr. Hall: "Now it's going to be tough so don't expect it to happen overnight because you do have years of thinking this way. However, I think you'll find yourself having more positive thoughts and behaviors a lot sooner than you realize which can only lead the way to better relationships".

Laurent smiles at the thought of Larry. After all, that's the most important relationship to him...

Dr. Hall: "Alright well we have about ten minutes left in this session and I would like to introduce another technique that I'm sure we will use more than once. It's called the empty-chair technique. It's going to feel very weird but you will see why I chose it".

Laurent nods so she stands up then walks over to bring a chair from the corner of her office and places it next to him...

Dr. Hall: "I would like you to stand up and stand directly in front of the chair".

Laurent's eyebrows scrunch in confusion as he has no idea where this is going but he does as he's asked...

Dr. Hall: "Now, you choose the person that you would like to see sitting here".

Laurent nervously bites his lower lip for a moment before making an unlikely choice. One would think the first person he would choose is Larry...but since she said the technique will be used more than once Larry's moment will come at a later time...

Laurent: "I...I choose the girl who hurt me". 

Dr. Hall: "Ok. So she's sitting here and she's looking up at you. You have complete autonomy at this point with no interruptions from her whatsoever. Now again, this is called free association so say whatever comes to your mind. You can get angry, you can yell, whatever you need to do".

Laurent was looking at Dr. Hall as she spoke and now that she's finished he gulps then looks down at the chair...

Dr. Hall: "Just take your time". 

Laurent: "You...." *clears throat* "You made me feel bad and...you made me feel ugly and not worth anything. I was really in love with you but you didn't care. You broke my heart and you chose my brother! My twin"!

He pauses for a moment because he's alarmed himself at the magnitude of his anger...

Dr. Hall: "It's ok Laurent. Keep going".

Laurent: "And you're not the only one! Every person I liked after you turn me down! What did you do? Warn everybody about me?! Tell them I was such a bad person?! Or that I was too goofy?! What's wrong with wanting to make people laugh?!! That's what I wanted to do for you! Make you happy! But I guess you did me a favor but you cursed me at the same time because I did find love! A love that was right under my nose the whole time! A love so deep the ocean would be jealous and what did I do?! I fucked it up! All these years I felt so bad about myself and I fucked it up!! I tried to understand why this person loves me so much when I don't even love myself! You have so much to do with that Marie"!

Laurent pauses as tears roll down his cheeks and as his body trembles. Dr. Hall steps closer to him and lightly rubs his arm. Laurent isn't even aware she's there until he feels the touch and slowly looks to his left at her...

Dr. Hall: "It's ok. You can stop now if you want", she replies softly. 

After a few sniffs and a head nod he walks over and takes his place back on the couch while Dr. Hall takes her seat...

Dr. Hall: "I know that was hard but I think you just took some of your power back".

Laurent's head pops up as he watches her give him a gentle smile which in turn causes him to smile. Laurent relished in those words before responding...

Laurent: "I guess I did". 

Dr. Hall: "You certainly did. So how does it feel"?

Laurent: "It feels good".

Dr. Hall: "And that's just the beginning Laurent. I think your journey is going to be quite amazing".

Laurent can't help but to smile at that too. Then...

Dr. Hall: *smile* "I will see you next week".

Feeling a huge weight off of his shoulders he smiles at her and now he's on his way back to his room...

~meanwhile~

Since Larry's eye has healed and opened fully by this point he asked Stephanie to drop him off at his house to pick up his car. He doesn't want to keep driving her car knowing he has his own. Admittedly, he's nervous because he's sure Laurent will be there...but deep down a part of him wanted to see him. When he goes inside there's an eerie quietness...almost as if someone hasn't been there for days. Nothing is out of place...the smell of cooked food isn't lingering in the air. Then he really starts to wonder where Laurent is. He looks at the phone receiver on the kitchen bar and is tempted to call Laurent but ultimately decides against it. As he walks further into the house he's realizing that every inch of it reminds him of a moment with Laurent whether it was good, bad or ugly. He shakes the bad and ugly out of his head and allows only the good to take over. Oddly, his mind goes back to the day they moved in...

~flashback~

There were unopened boxes everywhere. They had been unpacking for a couple of hours when they stopped and lustfully took notice of each other. Shortly after...

Larry: "Ah fuck Laurent! You feel so good".

Laurent: *panting* "So do you bebe". 

Laurent had Larry pinned against the wall. They were completely naked...chest to back as Laurent moved powerfully inside of him. Larry's eyes were closed and his mouth open as he reached his hand behind and took a firm grip of Laurent's hair which was his afro at the time. Laurent started pounding into him more eliciting screaming from Larry...

Larry: "I'm going to cum baby, damn"!

Laurent: *kisses his back* "Not yet bebe", he whispers.

Their moment of passion came to a halt when the doorbell rang. They both let out a huff...desperately wanting to ring the person's neck that disturbed them. Laurent put on his sweats and tee to go answer it. What he didn't realize was that Larry was behind him...still naked. Laurent laughed and whispered to him...

Laurent: "Go put your clothes on. You can't answer the door naked".

Larry: *smile* "You answer it. I'll be behind you".

Laurent just smiled, shook his head and answered the door...

Laurent: "Can I help you"?

*smile* "Hi. I'm your neighbor and first I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood but I also wanted to ask if everything is ok"?

Laurent: "Everything is fine. Why do you ask"?

"I heard screaming".

Laurent paused in disbelief but was internally smiling. At that moment Larry took his index finger and ran it down Laurent's back causing him to flinch...that internal smile obvious now. Of course she had no idea what was going on so she looked at him strangely... 

Laurent: *smile* "Uh yeah. I'm fine".

"Ok. Well my name is Melanie and I live next door with my husband and two children. If you need anything or just want to stop by please do".

Larry then pinched his butt cheek causing another flinch then a small laugh...

Laurent: "Uh, thank you. Bye now".

Before she could say anything else, Laurent was shutting the door, locking it and turning to face Larry who was acting like he didn't do a thing...

Laurent: "You know you were wrong for that, right"?

Seductively replying while also smiling...

Larry: "So do something about it".

That small smile then flashed into his big, beautiful one before he turned to run to the bedroom, Laurent chasing him. The bed was already put together so Larry jumped in and laid on his back. Laurent quickly undressed and slowly climbed on top of him. In a soft, seductive voice...

Laurent: "You've been a bad boy". 

They both smiled at each other and the next second Laurent was placing a soft kiss on his lips then pushing himself back inside...determined to finish what he started...

~end of flashback~

Larry feels tears prick his eyes and that's when he decides that it's too much for him and that he shouldn't have come inside. He should have just got in his car and went back to Stephanie's. H walks towards the front door to leave...but not without being reminded of the day he left and he can't help but discover the irony of it all. Just moments ago he was thinking about the day they moved in, now he's thinking about the day he moved out and the last words he uttered to him...

Larry: "I love you Laurent". *pause* "But this is no longer home for me...it's a house".

Just as he's shaking the thought out of his mind he's also turning around and giving the place one more glance...

*Laurent*

Now back in his room Laurent is comfortable in his bed where he resumes the position of placing his hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling as he thinks about therapy and what a breakthrough he had. For it to be only the first session he really didn't expect it to be so much...but he's grateful nonetheless. However, even in his excitement he would be lying if he said it wasn't a draining experience so he feels his eyes getting sleepy and decides to take a nap...but not before having another thought of Larry. Of course Larry is thinking about him too as he's still standing in front of their door looking around the house trying his hardest to not break down. Then they collectively whisper into the air... 

                                                                           "I love you".

--------------------------- 

A/N: Hey my loves. Hope everyone enjoyed! Can't wait to read your comments! Love you guys. :)