So sorry I've been gone so long everybody. Midterms came quicker than expected. Even worse they were all spread out. Anyway, I've had a little more time these last couple days and I've been working very hard on this. This story is so close to being done. So, so close.

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The first and only thing Leonardo registered was that everything hurt. He almost wanted to go back to the nothingness and lose himself again in the world of dreams. Dreams...Was he still dreaming? He lifted his head. Red-hot pain blasted across his plastron. He hissed and fell back, instinctively. Nope, not dreaming.

His head lolled to one side and his eyes slid open a crack. His father was asleep on a stool beside him. Keeping vigil.

How long had he been unconscious?

From deeper in the lab, beyond his line of sight, came muffled voices:

"Stockman's calculations are for a mutagenic dosage appropriate for a small rodent. It has to be adjusted."

His mind spun. What? What are they talking about?

"Tampering with the amount of mutagen in the solution could cause irrevocable damage. We have no idea how it will affect him."

'Him' who? Leo thought, his beak wrinkling in confusion.

"We don't even know for certain that it will affect him, but we're running out of time. We have to make the necessary preparations."

Time—Just what was going on? Who were they—

"But without the proper precautions—"

"We have less that three hours left. We've checked and triple-checked the formulas."

"It's such a big risk."

"I know."

"I just want to make sure you realize there are no guarantees we'll get him back at all."

Donatello must have nodded because Leo did not hear a response.

Suddenly, he understood. That note of quiet desperation in Donnie's voice...

Raphael... Leo's breath quickened. There was a chance they could get Raph back?! He lifted himself up on wobbly elbows.

The tomb, the Shadow, the Goolem, and the light flashed through his mind, slamming back down on the lab table. Pain rushed over him and he whimpered through his teeth. Doubt crept into his mind.

Had the Shadow been speaking the truth? Had he already sealed Raph's fate?

He felt lost.

Master Splinter's ears twitched and his eyes opened. "Leonardo?" he asked softly.

The tinkering sounds of Donnie and Rockwell ceased. Moments later, Leo's genius brother was at his side.

"Leo! How do you feel?"

Leo tried to speak, but his voice was dry and cracked. He shook his head. "Nuh, Don. Take care...Raph," he choked out.

Donnie shot a glance at Sensei. Splinter waved him away.

"Indeed. Go on, Donatello. I will care for your brother."

The purple-masked turtle nodded and left.

Wiping a small tear of pain from the corner of Leonardo's eye, Splinter asked, "How are you feeling, my son?"

"Hurts."

Splinter frowned. "You are lucky to be alive."

"Don't feel lucky." He said, his voice getting a little bit clearer.

Master Splinter's mood changed. He hopped down off his stool, his ears pulled back and his tail flicked irritably.

"Then you do not feel lucky to be back with your family that loves you?"

"No, I—"

"Have I not already lost enough at the hands of the Shredder? Have you no regard for the love of your family?"

It took Leo a few seconds to believe this was actually happening. Sensei had never spoken to him this way before.

It took a few more seconds for the words to infuriate him. Looking at Splinter's face stung.

Suddenly, Leo noticed in his father, something he had never noticed before: a sharp and striking resemblance to Raphael. Splinter's expression was an echo of the taught, angry features of his immediate younger brother. How had he never seen—never realized—that Raphael and Splinter were kindred spirits? It was so glaringly obvious.

Channeling all his strength into a rigid, defensive, clench of his fists, Leo growled. "Have you?"

Splinter visibly flinched. "I am your father."

"That makes you exempt?" Leo growled. His pain was now the farthest thing from his mind.

"Shredder could have killed you."

"And he wouldn't have killed you?"

"Your loss would break this family."

Leo turned his head away. "My family was already broken."

Splinter's ears fell a little. "Leonardo..." his trembling hand settled on his son's shoulder.

Leo closed his eyes and refused to turn back.

"Death is a part of life. It is hard to accept, but it is a natural occurrence. The autumn leaves fall every year, and new ones grow even more beautiful when springtime comes."

"My brother was not a leaf, Master Splinter!" he spat, still not looking at his father's face.

Sighing, Splinter's fingers tightened on Leo's shoulder. "That does not mean your life would have been empty after his passing. It may have taken time, but the hole left by your brother would have healed. Your job as leader is to protect your brothers, yes, to keep them safe, but more importantly, to keep them a family."

"We're not a family. Not without Raphael."

"Then Donatello and Michelangelo are no longer your brothers, I am no longer your father, and this is no longer your home?" Splinter asked.

Leo struggled not to shout out denials. That wasn't what he meant. It wasn't—but, at the same time—it just hadn't mattered anymore. With Raphael dead—murdered—so cruelly taken away from them, an odd apathy had set in. The only thing that had mattered was that Shredder paid the price.

Closing his eyes, he said, "It's not the same."

Splinter sighed. "Leonardo, as leader of your brothers, it is also your duty to keep composure and strength no matter what circumstances you have to face. If you cannot retain the rationality to do what is best for your brothers in a situation where one of your siblings is down, or even fatally wounded...you are not fit to lead."

Leo's head shot up. He looked at his father's face for the first time since they'd started this argument. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. There was no way. Sensei had never threatened to revoke his leadership.

"You wanted to go after Shredder, too. You were going to sacrifice yourself for our sake," he retorted.

Splinter shook his head side-to-side. "Not until I knew you were all safe. I would do nothing to harm any of you when you were in such a delicate state. I would have waited until I was certain the three of you were ready to carry on without me."

"And how long would that have been? Years? I couldn't wait, Sensei! He murdered my brother! I couldn't just—"

"And if your brothers had been seized by Shredder's men while they were unconscious in the sewers? If they had been killed due to your actions?" Splinter's voice boomed through the lab.

Leo couldn't look his father in the eyes.

"Leonardo," Splinter called, but Leo wouldn't look at him. He sighed. "I am disappointed in you, my son. Punishment will be dealt, but for now, I feel that your recovery and our distrust will be punishment enough."

"Hai Sensei," he said.

"Rest, Leonardo. You were badly injured." The old rat stood to leave.

"But Father, what about Raph? I wanna be there when—"

Splinter gripped Leo's shoulder tightly. "There is some small question of whether or not Donatello and Dr. Rockwell's anti-venom concoction will succeed."

Unnoticed by Leo and Splinter, light green fingers tightened their grip on the slightly open lab door. Silent as a ghost, he peeled away and melted easily into the shadows around him, with a solemn frown on his freckled face.

——————

Slash, who was seated against one of the support columns in the turtle lair, had finally slid down and fallen asleep. Leatherhead let out a slow breath and nodded approvingly. Good. The turtle had been so distraught lately. It was about time he got some rest.

The alligator-mutant's tail twitched at the sound of movement. He turned and caught a dull flash of orange. Michelangelo. There was a light splash. But where—sweeping silently over to the pool that lead out into the sewer system, Leatherhead sunk down and sped through like a scaly torpedo. True to his alligator origin, he was more elegant in water than he was on land.

Not wanting to alarm his young friend, Leatherhead lurked with only his eyes and nostrils above the waterline and watched Michelangelo venture further into the tunnels. Once the little turtle was gone, he rose to follow. It wasn't until Michelangelo had led him almost five miles from the lair that Leatherhead decided to approach. He came up from behind his young friend, but stopped about five feet away. Where less observant individuals might have gone closer, Leatherhead shrewdly recognized the warning in Michelangelo's stance.

Though Mikey stood with his back to LH, he knew the alligator was there. Had known it for some time. It was stupid of him to think he could sneak out of the lair unnoticed. He'd just needed to be alone. Everything...all of it...was just too much to deal with. His hands tightened around his nunchucks.

Leatherhead wasn't sure what he should do. He thought about speaking, but somehow, it didn't seem right.

Michelangelo didn't turn around, but he spoke. His voice was as faint as the gusts of air that sometimes swept into the tunnels from above. "I've had dreams."

LH drew closer. Finally, Mikey turned to face him.

There were no tears on his freckled cheeks nor in his eyes. He had none left. They'd all been shed. With a straight face, he stared vacuously past his friend down the shadowy tunnel.

"I see Raph, calling out to us—to me and Don and Leo—but we can't hear him. We're angry, just like we were that night. We're losing him. He's crying out for help, getting dragged into the shadows, but we can't hear. We don't see him. And then he's gone."

Leatherhead stayed silent. He could feel that there was more.

Mikey turned his back to his friend yet again and murmured, "I spoke to him."

The mutant alligator's tail swished in unease. He reached out and rested a giant hand on Michelangelo's shoulder to convey both support and concern.

"Not the first night. The one after that. Donnie had penned himself in the lab and Leo was completely ignoring us both. I was asleep. Raph came and spoke to me. He always knew...I was always afraid, but I knew that he would be the first. I didn't want to believe it but I knew. He knew it too."

Leatherhead was getting very worried.

"He was so vague, speaking in riddles, like Sensei. I told him we needed him back. He wouldn't answer. All he'd say was that I had to believe. Always I had to believe he was here—would be here—always..."

Slowly, LH caught on. "You think he was trying to tell you that he wasn't really—"

Mikey's frown deepened, his eyes vacantly peering into the distance. "Leo's right. It's not the same."

There was no further explanation. Leatherhead's eye-ridges furrowed. He kept silent and accepted that Michelangelo would say nothing more on the subject.

Suddenly, the tension broke like a wave upon the shore. Warmth returned to the atmosphere between them, and Mikey's cloudy eyes cleared.

"It's time to go back," the turtle said softly, leading the way.

Leatherhead drifted after him, still with a small frown on his face.

———————

The first thing Leatherhead saw upon their return was that Slash was no longer lying up against the pillar. His eyes narrowed. There was a commotion in the lab. Leatherhead and Michelangelo looked at each other and rushed to the area of disturbance.

Pete, Slash, Donatello and Splinter were all concernedly surrounding Leonardo. Upon their protests, the eldest growled and shot them all fiery glares.

"Leo, your condition—" Donatello chided.

"I have to be there, Don. I have to."

Knowledgeably, Mikey glanced away from his big brothers' commotion to another corner of the lab. At the back of the lab on another table, Rockwell was securing an IV to Raphael. Mikey's eyes turned to the clock. One hour to spare. Seventy-one hours since his brother's supposed death. Without being fully conscious of moving his feet, Mikey was suddenly at Raphael's side.

Suddenly, Leo and Don became aware of his presence.

Leo whispered softly, "Mikey..."

He tried to push himself off the lab table to go to his little brother's side, but he was too weak to support himself. The arms that caught him were large. To his surprise, Slash carried him across the lab. Rockwell used his telekinesis to move a chair over from another corner of the room and Slash set him gently down. Leo expected that to be the end of it, but Slash remained behind him as a kind of gentle support. Meeting the mutagen-green eyes, Leo nodded appreciatively at the leader of the Mighty Mutanimals.

Slash nodded briefly before his eyes strayed to the pale body on the table in front of them.

Leo's heart clenched as he was reminded that his family were not the only ones hurt by Raph's absence. He glanced down at Raph's slackened face. They were part of the shadows. Yet even so...Raphael had touched so many. Please...if there was any chance of restoring his brother...let it be so.

Rockwell looked at Donatello. The turtle nodded. Doctor Rockwell opened the flow of the IV and carefully began watching the monitor of Don's medical computer. The mutagenic antidote flowed down the tube into Raphael's blood stream.

Leo looked over at Mikey, whose eyes were cloudy, and grabbed his little brother's hand.

Mikey squeezed Leo's hand tightly.

Padding up softly behind them, Splinter placed his hands on Leo and Mikey's shoulders. Don joined Rockwell, monitoring progress from his laptop. They all waited with bated breath for quite several minutes.

When they began getting anxious Rockwell said, "His pulse is weak and slow. It will take some time for the anti-venom to circulate through his entire system. Possibly half an hour at most."

Squeezing Mikey's hand for support, Leo nodded weakly.

With each passing minute, the air thickened. Five minutes passed—ten—fifteen—twenty—twenty-five...

And still no response.

Rockwell frowned.

Donatello was staring at his laptop, which, hooked up to some of his lab equipment was acting as a heart monitor. His jaw tightened. No, no, Donnie don't be ridiculous, you just imagined it, he told himself.

A minute passed.

No, he hadn't imagined it. His heart fell to the pit of his stomach. No, it might only be momentary. A slight drop before the anti-venom set in.

Another minute passed. There was no denying it. He brokenly choked, "It's not working. His heart rate is decreasing."

Had it not been for Splinter holding him back, Leonardo would have shot forward, in spite of his weakened state. "What?! What do you mean? You said you could save him! You said it wasn't too late!"

Splinter softly tried to placate things, but Don exploded upon Leo's accusations. There were small tears at the corners of the brainiac's eyes.

"I never said it was certain! I never guaranteed it would succeed! I did everything I could—"

"And for that, we are all very grateful, my son." Master Splinter said softly. His deep, comforting voice held no warmth. His heart ached.

"Donatello," Rockwell called, nodding to the monitor. "He is gone."

Don spun around and saw, to his great despair, that the monkey mutant was right.

Slash closed his eyes to hide his own tears. He stood.

Splinter took hold of Leo and Donatello and said airily, "Come my sons, let us retire for the night. We shall make the proper arrangements in the morning."

The two older turtles followed him to the door. He turned back to his youngest and softly urged him to come.

That queer vacant look returned to Mikey's eyes. "No, Sensei."

"Michelangelo—"

"No." Mikey held his head high and refused to look at them. "I believe in Raph. He'll always be here. Always. I won't give up on him."

Don swallowed nervously, "Mikey..."

Splinter gently pulled them away and motioned the Mighty Mutanimals to follow. "No, my son. Let your brother keep vigil this night. I shall speak to him in the morning."

Reluctantly, Donatello and Leonardo followed their father's orders. Slash supported Leonardo and helped him out of the room. The other Mutanimals and Master Splinter followed, as grim as a funeral procession. Mikey took the chair Leo had vacated and rested his arms on the lab table. He whispered softly into Raph's ear.

"I believe in you Raphie. I won't leave. I promise."

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When Mikey next opened his eyes, there was a strong steady beep-beep-beep noise ringing around the lab. It was almost five o'clock in the morning. He yawned and stretched, then rested his head back on his arms once more. A small whine escaped him.

"Nuh, five more minutes!" He urged, hoping the beeping alarm would go away.

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep...

"Ugh." He grumbled, rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes and glanced around.

Beep-beep-beep...

He looked around. It wasn't an alarm. But then...what was it? Suddenly, he realized:

The heart monitor.

He stared at his brother. Raph's skin was still pale, but it had regained just a hint of its rich, emerald-green hue. Mikey stood and leaned over his brother, gently placing his ear over his brother's plastron. A gentle thump, thump, thump, greeted him. He had never heard such a beautiful sound in all his life. Raphael was alive! He was alive! He was alive!

For the first time in a long while, a genuine smile spread across Michelangelo's freckled face. He threw an arm across Raph's shoulders and gently gave him an awkward sideways hug.

"I knew you were strong enough, big bro."

As if he had heard the statement, Raphael's eye-ridges crinkled a little bit. Mikey hugged him a little tighter.

"Easy, Raph. I'm here. You're gonna be okay."

Raphael's eyelids pried apart a few millimeters, then closed. His face relaxed, and his breathing evened out. He fell asleep in the comfort of his little brother's arms.

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Donatello rolled over in his bed for fiftieth time that night. Once again, sleep fluttered just beyond his reach. Every time he'd managed to drift off, he'd been haunted by nightmares. He relived the preparation of the anti-venom, but it was different, there were mistakes, miscalculations, bad measurements.

"An incorrect mixture could kill him..." echoed Rockwell's voice.

The purple masked turtle shuddered and pulled the covers up to his chin. A tear slid down his cheek.

"You said you could save him! You said it wasn't too late!"

A few more tears spilled from his eyes. He rolled over, pulled the covers even tighter and tried to forget.

———————

Blue covers flew off the bed as its occupant tossed and turned. A few whimpers escaped him. Deep in the corners of his mind, images stirred.

This dream realm was different from the last one. Stiff, red earth beneath his feet reminded him of his dead brother and of blood. The dark figure grinned wickedly at him.

"I told you," it leered.

Leo shook his head side to side, biting his lip.

"How does it feel, knowing you murdered your own sibling?"

"Stop," Leo ordered.

The terrifying shadow morphed into the image of Leo's brother. Its voice rose to Raph's traditional timbre.

"Why did you do it, Leo?" Raph asked. "Why did you kill me?"

"No! No!" Leo shouted, tears flooding his face. "No! Raph, please!"

His cheeks were damp and he was breathing fast. His body trembled.

The Shadow enveloped him. It was everywhere. He couldn't breath. He was suffocating. It was killing him, smothering him. Leo choked, flailing weakly against his assailant. He had no air. His eyes rolled to the back of his head.

Suddenly, the grip on his neck was gone. He fell limply, gasping for breath.

What? Why had it let him—

"Get away from my brother."

Leo's head shot up. Raph...

This representation of his brother was different from the others. There was color and life in it. It stood up straight, clenching its fists and narrowing its bright green eyes at the Shadow that had very nearly taken Leo's life. It was Raph. It was really Raph.

"Get away from my brother," he repeated.

"He ensured your death, yet you support him. You are weak."

"No. I am strong. He showed me that. I don't need you."

Shadow shook its head. "And when they betray you?"

"Never. They will never let me go."

"Oh no?" Shadow asked.

Doubt flashed across Raph's face.

Leo jumped to his feet. "Never."

Raph looked at him for the first time. "Leo..."

Shadow pointed a nebulous finger at Leonardo and smiled. "He tried to destroy me once. That failed."

"So you lied! I didn't kill Raphael."

"You deserved the blame for all the hurt you've caused! That all of you have caused!"

"They don't deserve that. None of them do. I would never blame them for that," the image of Raph stated.

Hissing, Shadow shifted into the form of Shredder. "You shall never be rid of me. I am Doubt. I am Fear. I am Anger. You will never be strong enough to defeat me."

Raphael closed his eyes. "You're right. I'm not." He looked up. His eyes slid over to his older brother. "Not alone."

He didn't even have to ask. Leo nodded.

Together, they tackled the Shadowy figure. While Raphael pinned it down, Leo's hands tore into its chest. He could feel the warm orb of light beneath his fingers. Fighting the dark substance, Leo's face scrunched up as he yanked it out of the creature's chest.

He succeeded. Shadow stilled. Raph relaxed a little. Then, an ear-splitting wail pierced the air. The Shadow struggled violently, its claws tearing into the eerie, red ground of the dream world. Raph pinned it as best he could.

"Leo, you gotta break it!" Raph shouted.

Leo's bright blue eyes went white. With every ounce of strength in his body, he hurled the freaky sphere to the ground.

It shattered into a million tiny pieces.

"Nooooooooooo!" The Shadow cried its dark mass gradually dispersing.

Raphael stood and swayed. Leo rushed forward.

"Raph!" Leo cried, concerned.

Raph smiled and squeezed Leo's shoulder. "Thanks bro. Feels good to be at peace."

The hothead crumpled to his knees. Leo's heart broke. "Raph, please, don't go—"

With sleepy eyes, Raphael blinked up at him.

"Ain't going anywhere, Fearless. Just gonna sleep. Need sleep."

"Raph." Leo cried one last time, with tears in his eyes. Raphael's eyes had closed. The world around him grew brighter. No, he didn't want to leave. Not now.

Leo's eyes opened. His sheet was wrapped around his neck, practically strangling him. He pulled it off and threw it off the bed. There were tears in his eyes and even more on his face.

Why hadn't he apologized for all the awful things he'd said?

Why hadn't he said goodbye?

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So how was it? Review Please!