September 18, 2010

Saturday

7:30 PM

I dreamed about her again. It was the same sequence of me riding my bike down the street and into Kristin's house. Her mom sat on the bottom step, smoking a camel cigarette and sipping her wine. I watched the girls huddle around a computer emitting a bright blue light, but this time, when the brunette turned to me, the door didn't shut.

I was that girl.

The large glasses with thick lenses gave me a fishbowl effect. I had frizzy pigtails as dry and brittle as straw. I wore my favorite pink and brown shirt with an image of a monkey blowing bubblegum, cargo capris, and woven sandals.

Most girls in my class had braces; Kristin was one of them, and the neon-colored rubber bands always made me jealous. She and I actually bonded over my admiration for her braces and new haircut. Because her mom and dad were getting divorced, she let her have it cut like Rachel's from Friends. Kristin tried to use Claire's guilt to her advantage and get lowlights, but I suppose that was asking for too much.

I remember that night, though. It was my first sleepover as a freshman and my first time making an AOL account. At my parents' house, we didn't have any technology other than the kitchen phone, and after seeing the flat screen in their living room, the box TV on her dresser, and her computer, I was green with envy. Don't even get me started on her brick cell phone.

The three of us stayed up for hours, watching Corpse Bride with a punchbowl of mixed snacks—M&Ms, popcorn, and raisins—and we talked over the movie like commentators. I remember Kristin saying she wanted to be a commentator when she was in her twenties, and after her death, I struggled to laugh or smile through movies or even mundane things like birdwatching.

I don't know why I keep dreaming about that night. My only guess is guilt, but I know I was just a child, so what do I have to feel guilty for? How was I supposed to know she had a weak heart? What was I supposed to do? Jane and I ran to Claire, and for the first time, she actually looked at us.

That was the worst feeling ever. That feeling of knowing that something's really wrong, and this woman with a thousand-yard stare is finally looking you in the eyes, only for her to be told that her daughter fainted. And that day haunts me when it's quiet, which is almost always.

I think about her face when I jumped out at her during hide and seek—how Jane and I were laughing hysterically and holding our stomachs. Her smile slowly faded, and she had this empty stare before her eyes closed into a squint like someone trying to see without glasses. Then she dropped onto her back, and nothing was funny anymore. Her face was kind of red, her mouth was wide open, and her chest rose and fell with a struggle.

I'd sent her into a fucking heart attack at fifteen years old.

"We gotta get help," Jane rushed the words out, but her big eyes and furrowed eyebrows told me she was afraid of the consequences. Before I could think, much less speak, she sprinted out of the room like she saw a rat, and I was not far behind her.

We almost fell over each other running down the stairs, and Claire turned her head to us as we made our way in front of her.

"Girls," she said in the same soft tone she always had, except this time she was clearly mentally present and not on autopilot. "What's wrong?"

Jane and I looked at each other, and I could see her neck clenching. That was the first time I had chest pain. My body and mind were reacting like I'd stabbed or poisoned her. I mean, I couldn't speak even if I wanted to because this huge knot grew in my throat.

"Something's wrong with Kristin," Jane spoke for me, sputtering and fidgeting her fingers against her capris pockets. "She, like, passed out while we were playing."

⌦ .｡.:*♡

A.N. Kristin's character and story are probably one of the saddest out of all the books I've written. I'm trying to write her as multidimensional as the present characters, so let me know if she seems flat.

Also, do any of you remember anything from the early 2000s? I was born in '02, so I remember the iPod, Tamagotchi, and baggy clothes.

Like, I know it's trendy to purposely wear huge clothes, but for me, it wasn't to look cool, it was us wearing hand-me-downs. The only fashion statements I know were intentional, were the chains, grills, backwards caps, juicy couture and apple bottom jeans.

Let me know what you remember or something you wish you could've seen or experienced. I know I wished I could get an iPod when I was older, then they were overshadowed by iPhones by the time I was in middle school.