( LOSE AGAIN )

IT FEELS LIKE A HAND IS REACHING INTO HER CHEST AND SQUEEZING HER HEART. Her lungs have constricted themselves and it almost feels like she's drowning. Though, there is no calm here. It's only the feeling of icy tendrils consuming her, chilling her to the bone and filling her lungs with water. Maybe it wasn't even water. She could work with water. It felt like sludge, filling her mouth and making her taste steel and salt and it felt so real. Like it was happening to her in real time.

The pressure of the water suddenly hit her, like she had crashed into it at some unknown but very high speed. She tried to call for Steve, her mouth opening and flooding her with more of the sludge. She tried to push it out, to get to Steve, who she wasn't even sure was there. But if anyone could save her, it was him. Steve was always more than he thought, even when he was tiny. He was courageous and stubborn and a true hero and he would save her. He had to. She didn't think she could survive the ice cold feeling gripping down her spin if he didn't. The monster that was grabbing her heart and her spine, dragging her deeper into the depths of the water wouldn't let go until he was back. 

A hand was reaching for her. She could see the silhouette of it above her, stretched her hand out to grab it. Her limb moved in slow motion through the water, the drag out it slowing her arm down even more. She felt the brush of fingertips, felt electricity shoot down her fingers, almost clasping onto the hand--

Edith shot awake, gasping for air, reaching out to Steve's side of the bed, his name on her lips. The pounding in her heart, a kind of pain, made the old wound sore when she realized again that he was gone and never coming back. It seemed like she would always wake up with his name on her lips. She had been for the past however long it had been since Agent Carter had delivered the news. 

Her lungs ached like she hadn't been breathing, her breathing feeling constricted as she tried to get air cycling again. She felt dizzy. Was this what Steve had felt like when he had an asthma attack? Her hand touched her forehead, held it there, felt the sweat that was cooling on her skin. When she heard the bathtub running in the other room, the dizziness was explained. A sigh escaped her mouth as she got up, knowing that her bathroom (and the kitchen) were probably flooded and the bill was going to be extremely high again. 

She focused on the energy in the back of her brain, the one she had been feeding unconsciously during her nightmare, and cut it off. The water stopped almost immediately, and Edith found herself getting herself a glass of it from the tap and drinking deeply. She also wished Steve or Gordon or Bucky were here to help her get used to whatever this was. And to stop her before the dehydration set in. Apparently, the cost of using the so-called powers that controlled the water took a lot out of her. The more she used it, the more she needed water. 

She had also gotten better at controlling whatever it was she could do with water. When she didn't feel quite as lightheaded, Edith put her cup on the counter near the sink, knowing she'd need to use it again in a second. Then, focusing as hard as she could, she felt the tingle of energy send a shock through her brain and Edith focused on the water that was on the floor in the kitchen. Slowly, she moved a hand, a motion of lifting up and watched the water shakily rise with the motion before Edith was making it move towards the sink. By the time she got all the water off of the floor of the kitchen, she was feeling the headache from dizziness come on again. So, she drank as much water as she needed from the kitchen tap before moving onto the bathroom. 

Edith repeated the process, cleaning the water off of the floor and making sure it didn't stain the floors. Then, she sat on her living room's couch, glass full of water clutched to her chest, staring at the wall. It was sometime during the night but Edith knows she won't be able to get back to sleep. Whatever she had dreamed about, she could still feel the ice creeping across her skin. In a way that Steve probably felt himself freezing because of the icy waters of the Arctic. Her heart ached thinking about it, because she knew she had the power to have saved him and she hadn't been able to use it. Hadn't even known of its existence. 

The floorboard that always creaked louder than the others sounded from the hallway outside of Edith's apartment. She wondered if it was someone to check on Mrs. Finch. The older lady had fallen ill recently and the doctors had said it was only a matter of time before she passed away. Mrs. Finch had only smiled a sad, small smile and said "About time, Rupert's waiting for me." 

She didn't expect her door to open. Edith blinked, felt her body tense and that flair of something in her brain. The water from her glass was floating beside her, trying to freeze itself. She noticed that's what it did whenever it was trying to go on the defensive. (Like that time Connie had tried to scare her and the sink had doused her in freezing cold water and tried to freeze.) Getting up off the couch, Edith snuck away from the couch, avoiding all the boards in the floor that creaked when stepped on. 

Silently, she crept, looking out for whoever it was that decided to break into her apartment. When she got to the place that let her view most of the apartment, her body tensed up in shock and the water landed on the floor with a wet splat! She fumbled for the light switch, panic or hope creeping into her chest as she moved her hand over the wall until she found it. The light flicking on revealed the man, plaid shirt and a pair of tan slacks on his body. 

"Steve," Edith whispered, before she felt her body sway and she was dropping onto her knees painfully. The dull ache in them was nothing compared to the sheer warmth that radiated from Steve when he reached her, hoisting her back onto her feet and into his chest. She fumbled again, pushed him away to see his face as he pulled her tight to his body. The fabric of his shirt was a better quality of anything he ever used to have and the slacks were not in any style she had ever seen before. They hugged his muscular thighs and accentuated his plump ass. And when she finally found purchase on his broad shoulders enough to push him the distance to see his face, he looked older. There was more wrinkles on his face, some from laughter, others from age and stress. 

Her finger tips traced his eyebrows and his nose, his petal pink lips, the strong line of his jaw, and the path over his Adam's apple and came to stop on his chest, over his heart. Steve looked tired. So, instead, she pulled him down, crushing him to her chest like he had her and rubbed her fingers through the hair on the nape of his neck. He had grown it out. How he had, Edith didn't know, he was stuck in the ocean, drifting, drowned. 

"Steve," his name came out like a plea this time. She felt herself shaking now, and she was crying, the tears leaking from her eyes as she clutched tighter. "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. Whatever this is, I don't want lose you again." 

"I'm here, Edith," he shushed her, his hand rubbing up and down her spine. Edith found herself pulling away only to get her lips on his, pawing at his clothes. The kiss deepened from there, both of them swept up in the feeling of each other. Steve hoisted her up by her thighs, moving to the bed that Edith had left only half an hour ago. It was slow. He laid her on the bed, her naked body getting caressed and kissed like he was trying to memorize it all over again. He got her off with his mouth first before he even thought about his own pleasure. 

Edith had thought that if she ever saw Steve again, got him in this position, it would be fast. Like what Colette had said it had been with her and her husband. All teeth and tongue and grabbing. But Steve was slow, deliberate. When they were finally connected, Steve inside of her, he moved slowly but deeply, kissing any body part he could and whispering words of love and affection into her skin as Edith returned them, clutching Steve closer and trying to keep him there. This wasn't about their own pleasure. This was about them seeing each other again, about being connected on an intimate level. Steve marked her up, seemed to remember that she liked his teeth leaving bruises for her to think and blush about later. 

And when they finally got off, Edith had been so overwhelmed she found herself sobbing, tears leaking out of her eyes because this was Steve and she loved him so much. Her world had whited out in the ecstasy, the pleasure having built and built with Steve's slow roll of hips, but it had felt so nice to just know that it was Steve doing everything. That he was here with her. She had missed him so much. 

And even after, when Edith was curled up on Steve's chest, her finger tracing absentminded patterns into his skin as his hand did the same on her back, she prayed that this wasn't a dream. She thinks that if it is, her mind and heart are truly as cold as the frozen water that Steve is trapped in. 

She propped her chin on Steve's chest to look at him in those damn blue eyes that she felt so much affection for, "How are you here, Steve?"

Steve took a deep breath in, his chest moving as he let it out. He stared at her for a moment, obviously getting his thoughts together. She stared back, watched the emotions play on his face and realized that not only the war weighed on Steve now. Wherever he had come from was also putting weight on the man. He opened his mouth, shut it again, his eyebrows furrowing for a moment. Then, he opened his mouth and started to speak, "I was an idiot. Everything that had happened in this time seems so minor when it comes to everything I lose later. I missed you so much, Edith, but it was an ache that I was able to deal with. And then, I saw Peggy in that damned base and she saw me through the blinds and I remembered that when I first woke up, the only thing I wished was to have you there.

I can't tell you what happens. I'm already changing the time line enough, but, Edith, you've always wanted to know what the future is like. Seventy years from now, I'm found in the plane I went down in and I'm alive. Come to the future? Maybe if you're there, you'll knock sense into me and we won't lose everything."

Edith stared at him. Her mouth was slightly open. Steve stared at her, his blue eyes pleading and she found herself nodding. Especially because Steve looked so heartbroken about what had happened in the future. So she nodded, gripped him tighter, and pulled him into a bruising kiss. He sighed softly against her lips and hauled her more onto her chest to clutch at her more.

This way, she wouldn't lose Steve again.

____________

this is a short chapter but i feel like its okay that its short! this is also the end of volume one! volume two will pick off when edith actually arrives in the future! 

also, did i imply that they lost everything because tony sacrificed himself? yes, yes i did.

i lost everything when tony sacrificed himself.

anyway, i hope you enjoyed this and i'm sorry i haven't updated in awhile. school is taking up a lot of my time! i'm going to try and update greek tragedy too for those of you who read that book too!