Dallon's crying but all I can think of is how selfish he must be to have brought me here when I was almost dead. How could he. He doesn't even love me. If he loved me he'd let me go. But instead he sent me back to hell. Or as some people like to call it the hospital. Oh and then my mom walks in wondering what's wrong. Since when does she side with Dallon. Can't they see I want out. Why do people care if I die or not. I deserve it. I'm disgusting. They care about their own happiness more than mine.

I tune them out the entire time. I'd rather not hear them talk about how scared they were. Or how worried I make them. I'd rather not listen to how greatful they are that I made it to the hospital in time. I'd rather kill myself. What don't they get? I don't care. I wanted to die and they saved me. Why couldn't they have waited a little bit longer to save me. Why couldn't they have been just a little late.

Around five o'clock I get transferred to the re feeding unit of the hospital. That's where they try to get me to eat my dinner and if I don't eat it I get a bottle of ensure. If I don't drink the ensure then I get a feeding tube up my nose. And life will go on like this until I'm stable enough to be transferred to the eating disorder facility.

I don't eat my dinner and I don't drink the ensure. "Come on Brendon you know you don't want us to do this so just make it easy on yourself and drink the ensure," the care technician tells me. "I think It's funny that you think you know what I want and don't want. What I don't want is to drink this fucking ensure!" I take the cap off the bottle and dump it all over the floor. I walk off to my room. A couple minutes later some nurses walk in my room. The have the feeding tube with them and some restraints. I try to run away but they grab me and take me back to the bed. They lock my arms and feet to the bed. I'm still struggling to get loose. They try to insert the feeding tube up my nose but I keep moving my head. Someone grabs my head and holds it still. They shove the tube up my nose and down my throat. I scream and my body's shaking. "You did this to yourself Brendon," one of the nurses say. Then they leave the room.

I fall asleep after trying so hard to get out of my restraints. It's exhausting. And I'd rather not be awake thinking about how fat I'm gonna get. So I fell asleep. And while I was asleep I dream about my dad. The last thing I remember doing with him is going into the store and trying to find clothes for camping because he didn't want me to get my school clothes dirty. We went into the section I always go to get clothes and grab a shirt with Spider-Man on it. I try it on in the dressing room and it doesn't fit. That means I get to look for shirts in the big boys section!

When I tell my dad the news he gets mad at me. "Really Brendon? You've gained that much weight over the school year? Maybe you should just no longer be aloud dessert after dinner if you can't keep your weight down," he says angrily. "No dad! Don't take away my dessert!" "Stop whining! We're in public Brendon! Maybe if you get your weight back down you can. Okay?" He asks. "Okay," I say wiping my tears.

I wake up crying and hyperventilating. I need to keep my weight down or dad won't be happy. If he was still alive he'd probably hate how I turned out. I'm Gay and don't play sports. I'm fat and a failure. I'm stupid and failing school. I need to get out of these restraints, take out the feeding tube, and get out of this hospital. I start screaming. The nurses run in. "Brendon calm down. What's wrong?" Someone asks. "Get me the FUCK out of here!" I scream. "You're not getting out of here until you start eating. And you can show us at breakfast that you're going to eat." "When's breakfast?" I ask acting pissed off. And I am pissed off. I do not want to eat. "Three hours so try to get a little bit more sleep." I don't want anymore sleep.

"Can't you take the restraints off?" I ask. "Are you going to take out your feeding tube?" The nurse asks. "No," I lie. "If you do take it out we're gonna have to put you back in restraints and put it back in." "I know," I say. "Okay," the nurse says removing my restraints. I probably should eat and then purge it later in my room. So that way they don't give me the feeding tube again. So the rest of the time in my room I think of how I'm going to do that.

Three hours later the staff let me out of my room. "Breakfast time," they say. Great. Not. I walk out of my room. "Are you going to eat Brendon?" The staff ask. I nod my head. "Then let's remove your feeding tube." I walk with the nurse to the nurses station. I sit down in a chair as they remove the tube from my throat. I gag as they pull it out. My throat is soar and dry now. It's hard to swallow. How do they expect me to eat breakfast like this.

I go to the dining room and sit down waiting for my tray of food. They give me a certain amount of calories that I'm allowed to eat at breakfast. If I eat more it could be unhealthy for my body. And I'm happy about that I don't want to eat more than I have to. The care technician hands me my tray. I have a piece of toast, a small bowl of cereal, and a cup of juice. Maybe if I just close my eyes I won't realize how much I'm eating. A staff member sits at each table watching the patients eat. "Yummy breakfast Brendon. Eat up," the staff at my table tells me. Shut up you're making this harder, I think to myself.

I close my eyes and eat my toast. I'm about to give up after the piece of toast but the staff tells me I have to eat everything on my tray. It takes a long time but I finally get through my cereal and juice. Then I walk off towards my room. "No going to bedrooms or bathrooms until an hour after mealtimes," the staff says. You've got to be fucking kidding me. They lead me to the dayroom where the rest of the patients are waiting to go to their rooms I walk off to the corner of the room. I need to purge. I stick my fingers down my throat. "Brendon what are you doing?! Take your fingers out of your mouth!" The staff shout. I don't listen though. I throw up in the corner of the room. The staff come over to me and try to bring me to the nurses station. But I know what they're gonna do so I fight against them. But they are stronger than me.

I end up getting strapped back down to the hospital bed. I have a feeding tube back up my nose. I'm screaming bloody murder. "You guys don't even know me! Why are you trying to save me! I'm a terrible, disgusting, and ugly
Person! I don't deserve to live! Let me die! Let me fucking die!"