It was around the time of day that Dallon usually visits me. I'm really not in the mood to see him today. The staff caught me trying to hide my food last night and they gave me the feeding tube again. I was doing good for so long and now I feel like I'm back to stage one. The nurse keeps telling me my weights not going up as much as it should be so they really don't trust me. But it's like they're not even acknowledging the weight I have put on. I'm back in the 100's. How much fatter do I need to get before they'll finally let me leave. I know last time they made me gain 30 pounds. Is that seriously what they want from me.

There's a knock at my door and then my door is being opened. It's Lindsey. She tells me my visitor is here. I don't want to see him but I also don't want to upset him by turning him away. So I get up and follow the staff to the cafeteria where all the visitors go to have visits. I see Dallon sitting in the far corner of the cafeteria. We usually sit there because there's more privacy over there. I walk over to him. He smiles but I can see disappointment in his eyes.

I take a deep breath and say, "hi." That's pretty much all I can manage to get out today. "What happened?" He asks pointing to his nose. Way to be subtle Dallon. "Nothing," I say. "You know you can trust me right? I won't get mad at you or disappointed," he says. "Then what will your reaction be?" I ask, "Because that's the only reaction I've ever gotten in my life." "I'll try to help," he says. "What makes you think you can help?" "Well I care about you. Probably more than anyone here. So just let me try," he says trying to convince me to open up to him. I roll my eyes. "Fine.

I've been gaining a lot of weight recently and I got scared. I'm afraid if I get too fat you won't want to visit me anymore so I tried to hide my food instead of eating it," I look down. I'm so ashamed. "First of all, you are nowhere near fat so don't say that. Second of all, I don't care what you look like. You could weigh 600 pounds and I'd still be madly in love with you," Dallon keeps talking but all I hear is, "in love with you." He loves me? Why does he love me? I don't deserve it? I've done horrible things in my life. Does he not see that. I need to tell him the truth.

"Y-You can't love me," I say. "Why not?" He asks. "Because I'm a horrible person." "No you're not. Just because you've done these bad things to yourself. Doesn't make you a horrible person. It just means you need a little extra help," Dallon says. "No you don't understand. I-I-" I don't want to say this aloud in a room full of people. But then I remember the note I wrote the other day. I pull it out of my pocket and hand it to Dallon. He unfolds it and starts reading. I never thought I'd let anyone read this. Dallon's probably never gonna want to see me again. I watch him read it. He looks like he's in shock. And there are tears forming in his eyes. Yep I'm definitely never gonna get a visit from Dallon ever again.

I should've never gave him the note. Now I'm regretting everything. I'm gonna cry because now he really will never love me and never want to see me again. My heart is breaking. Dallon finally stops reading the note. He folds it back up, hands it back to me and wipes his tears. "Why didn't you ever tell me that?" He asks me. "Because I knew what your reaction would be. Now I'll let you leave so you never have to see me again." "Why would I do that?" He asks. "Because I'm such a fuck up," I say. "You're not a fuck up. It's other people that are fucked up. You've been hurt. And you're just doing what people told you to do. But you don't need to do that anymore. The people that actually care about you don't care how you look. We'd rather you be healthy and happy. Then starving and depressed."

"That's exactly the problem. You care about me so you wouldn't tell me the truth. You wouldn't tell me if I was fat or not," I say. "That's bullshit. People that care about you won't let anything bad happen to you. If we think you're getting fat we'll tell you because we don't want other people to tell you that. And if people are telling you that right now it's either because they're jealous, they're trying to be cool, or they have something seriously wrong with them. Because you are way too skinny and that's the truth."

I literally start bawling. Dallon comes over to my side of the table to comfort me. "Shhh. It's okay B. I'll always love you no matter what your weight is," he says trying to get me to calm down. "I'm sorry. I'm s-so sorry. This is all my fault. Everything. I'm sorry." "It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong." "Y-Yes I did," I say gasping for air between sobs. "No you didn't. Other people hurt you. You didn't do anything wrong except try to make others happy. Maybe it wasn't the safest thing to do and maybe you took it too far but it's not your fault," Dallon says. I start to calm down a little.

"W-Why do you love me?" I ask. "Because you understand me. You don't judge me. You're fun to hang out with. You're fun to make out with." I laugh a little at that comment and Dallon laughs too. "You're nice. You're smart. You're good looking. And I'm not talking about your weight. You have a great personality. You're talented. You're pretty much one of the best singers I've ever heard. You can hit notes as low as Frank Sinatra and as high as Freddie Mercury. You can play almost any instrument. You're good at video games," then he whispers, "you're good at giving blow jobs." I laugh again. "I could go on and on." "When did you first know you loved me?" I ask. "The first time we kissed," Dallon says. "Then why did you never ask me out?" I question him. "I was afraid you'd say no." "What about now?" I ask. "Will you be my boyfriend?" He asks me. I smile as wide as my mouth will go. "Yes!" "Shhh," Lindsey shushes me so that I'm not disturbing other people and their visitors.

I quiet down but keep smiling. Dallon holds my hand under the table. "I love you too." I tell him. "So when you get released are you actually gonna try to recover?" He asks. I think about it for a second because my plan was to relapse but for some reason I don't feel the need to anymore. "Yes," I say and I'm not lying this time. I mean it.