I have to go home today. I can't make anymore excuses for skipping meals or sneaking off to the bathroom. If Dallon finds out my secret he'll hate me. I'm getting really close to him and I don't want to lose him. My mom messaged me last night apologizing. She said she's just worried about me and wants to keep me safe. If that means not sending me to the hospital to keep me from running away then she won't. She'd just rather be able to make sure I'm eating than let me go without food. Even though I will probably still go without food or just purge everything I do eat.

I wake up in Dallon's bed. This time he slept in the bed with me. We didn't do anything except sleep. Tyler would probably be disappointed that I didn't use this opportunity to do something. But then again I did turn him down yesterday when we were making out. But still, we made out. Tyler will like that because that's a step in the right direction. I try to be sneaky when getting out of bed but apparently I wasn't sneaky enough. "Where are you going?" Dallon asks. "I have to go home," I tell him. "I'll drive you," he says, "just let me get ready." "Okay I'll be in the bathroom."

I walk over to the bathroom, turn on the light, and shut the door. I do my routine. Take off my close, step on the scale, step off, step back on, wait a couple seconds, then look down to check the number. 95.6. Five more pounds to go. Well a little over five but it doesn't matter. I look at myself in the mirror. I'm so fucking fat. I pinch the fat on my stomach. This need to go. I look at my disgusting legs. That needs to go. I just want to be perfect. Skin and bone. That's it. I walk over to my clothes. I pick them up and start putting them back on. Then I flush the toilet. I walk over to the sink and pretend to wash my hands. "Are you ready?" I ask Dallon. "Yeah. You can come out," he says. I open the bathroom door. Dallon is pulling a shirt over his head. Why can't I look like him? He's skinny and perfect.

I walk over to Dallon's fireplace and grab my backpack full of my stuff. Then I walk over to the door. "Do you wanna grab something to eat before we leave?" Dallon asks. "No.
I'm fine," I say. "Okay let's go
Then." We walk up stairs to the doorway. I start to put on my shoes. Dallon tells me he's gonna go write a note to let his dad know he's taking me back home. I wait for him at the door after I finish putting on my shoes. He comes back into the room and puts on his shoes. Then we head out to his car.

On the ride back to my house we talk about how we would survive a zombie apocalypse. I obviously have better survival skills than Dallon. "You have to fight the zombies," I argue. "No! You have to hide in an under ground bunker." I laugh. He knows nothing about zombies. "The zombies will find a way to break in and you will have to fight," I say. "Whatever," he says as he pulls into my driveway. I look at him as I'm about to say goodbye he leans in and kisses me. And it's not a short kiss. His right hand is on the back of my head. I wrap my hands around his neck. He rest his other hand on my hip.

Dallon sticks his tongue in my mouth. I let him taste every inch of my mouth. I lick his tongue. He tastes so good. I try to fight for dominance now. Dallon moans. I pull away. "We should probably stop," I say. "Yeah you're right." "Goodbye," I say exiting the car. "Bye," Dallon says. I wave to him as he pulls out of the driveway and drives away. I turn around and walk towards my house. I get to the front door and open it up. My mom is standing in the living room. She walks over and gives me a hug. I push her off of me. "I'm sorry Brendon. I just want to keep you safe. If you keep starving yourself you are going to die," my mom says. I roll my eyes. I don't need to hear her "you're gonna die" speech. I know starving yourself is dangerous. I'm not doing it to kill myself. I'm just doing it until I hit my goal weight.

"Can I just go to my room?" I ask. "Sure." I walk upstairs to my room. I close the door and turn on the light. My eyes automatic find my dresser where I see a basket full of snacks. "Mom!" I scream while turning around and opening my door back up. "Yes sweetie?" She asks all innocently. "Why is all this food in my room!" My mom walks over to the bottom of the stairs, "I figured if you ever got hungry you could eat a little snack and not feel nervous because I'm watching you eat." "I can't eat this stuff! I'm trying to lose weight not become a fat ass!" I yell down the stairs. "Brendon you need to gain weight! You're unhealthily skinny!" "Well you're the only one who thinks that. Everyone else tells me the truth and the truth is that I'm fat," I whisper under my breath. "What was that?" My mom asks. "I'm not eating those!"

I storm into my room and grab the food. I walk downstairs with the food, walk over to the garbage can, and dump the food into the garbage. "Really Brendon? I'm trying so hard to keep you from having to go back to the hospital. Just work with me." "I can't do this!" I scream. I run back upstairs. I slam my bedroom door. I push my dresser in front of my door since I can't lock it. Then I go over to my bed. I lay down and think about what I'm doing. She will send me to the hospital if I don't eat something. So I might as well just eat something to make her happy then purge afterwards.

I know that purging won't get every calorie out that I consume. But it's either purge or get sent back to the hospital and I am not going back to the hospital. They'll make me gain weight and if I gain back all the weight I lost I'll be obese. So I move my dresser back to its original spot and open the door. I walk down stairs. "Hey mom?" "What?" She asks with an attitude. "I'm sorry. What's for lunch?" I apologize. "I don't know are you going to eat it or throw it away?" She asks. Geez and I thought I was sassy. "Eat it." Then throw it up. But she doesn't need to know that part. She lets out a long sigh then says, "cheeseburgers and tater tots."

Once lunch is made we sit down and eat. I eat a little over half the sandwich and all my tater tots. I know I make starving myself sound easy but it's not. I had to try really hard not to eat that entire sandwich. I get hungry too. I just tell myself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels or that if I I eat I'll get fat and I do not want to get fat. But when you allow yourself to eat after starving for so long it's hard to stop. Which is what happened while I was eating. I just need to hurry up and go to the bathroom before it's too late.

"Hey ma I'm gonna go take a shower." "Not now you're not," she says with an attitude. "Why not?" I ask. "Because you have to wait an hour after mealtimes to use the bathroom," she says. "Oh my god. Do you seriously not trust me?" I ask. "The last time you were home you passed out. Then when you woke up you threw up. And when I threatened to send you to the hospital you ran away. So no I do not trust you," she replies. "Fine then can I at least go to my room and get my stuff ready for a shower?" I ask her. "Okay but come right back downstairs once you're done." "I will," I say.

I go up stairs to my room. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What am I going to do? I need to purge but I don't want my mom to hear. I walk over to my dresser and turn on my bluetooth speaker. Then I pull my phone out of my pocket and connect it to the speaker. I turn up the volume and blast my music. I have to do this quickly before my mom gets suspicious. I walk over to my window. There's no screen in it so I stick my head out the window. I put my fingers down my throat until I start gagging. Once I feel like I'm gonna throw up I quickly remove my fingers and puke. I do that one more time to make sure I got everything out. Then I quickly pull my head inside and shut my window.

I quickly grab stuff out of my dresser. A t-shirt, a pair of pants, boxers, and socks. Then I go to my closet and grab a sweatshirt. I hear foot step outside my room. My mom barges into my room. "Turn off you're music!" She shouts. I turn it down and ask her, "Why?" all innocently. "I don't need to tell you why. You know exactly why. You're pushing your limits boy," she says. "I'm sorry I didn't know that you didn't trust me enough to listen to music in my room!" I feel like a terrible person. I'm the bad guy not my mom. "You have to earn your trust back. Now turn off your music and come downstairs."

I go back downstairs with my mom and wait an hour before going back upstairs. It felt like the longest hour ever. I wanted to shoot myself. I decided I was still gonna take a shower. Clean off all the disgust I feel about myself. I go to my room and grab my clothes. Then I walk across the hallway to the bathroom. I close the door behind me. I walk over to the bathtub and start running the shower so it can heat up. I take off my clothes and try to avoid the mirror. I probably gained 50 pounds since lunch.

I end up looking in the mirror anyway and I regret it. I get into the shower once it's warm and I start thinking about everything bad that's ever happened to me. I couldn't control what people did to me but I can control this. I look down at myself and tears start running down my face. I will never be perfect. No matter how hard I try I'll always be a fat fucking pig. No one will ever love me. I start punching my stomach and I turn the heat all the way up in the shower hoping it will burn off my fat.

After I'm done crying I just sit down in the shower thinking. I have an appointment with Dr. Pawlovich tomorrow. I should probably buy another 20 pound rock just to bring my weight up a little. Well a lot. But whatever happens I just need to make sure they don't know my actual weight. I do not want to go back to the hospital. If I won't let my mom take me then I definitely won't let them take me.

I turn off the shower and put on the pair of clothes I picked out earlier. I really wish I had a scale in here so I could check my weight. I'm so worried that I gained weight. I need to calm the fuck down. I grab my dirty clothes and walk them into my room. My mom walks past me, "hey I'm headed to the mall. Do you wanna maybe go to Hot Topic and buy something?" She asks. "Not today," I tell her. I just want to lay in my room and die. "Okay I'm trusting you to stay home and not runaway again. Can I trust you?" She questions me. "Yes," I say.

I go into my room not bothering to turn on the light. I head straight for my closet. I go in there and lay on the floor. I try to slow down my breathing and act dead. My mom screams goodbye from the bottom of the steps then a couple seconds later the door opens and slams shut. Maybe I can just lay here for the rest of my life and not do anything else. But then I realize something. I get up, walk out of my closet, open my bedroom door and stand at the top of the stairs. This could probably help me lose some weight.

I start running up and down the steps. I get exhausted after the fourth time up and down the steps. But I keep going because I need to lose the weight. I start feeling really light headed and dizzy. But I have to keep going. Can't pass out. Must lose weight. You can do it. Just keep running. Don't stop. It will be worth it. You'll be skinny and perfect. No one will make fun of you. You can wear anything you want. People will either want to look like you or be with you. Fuck. I'm exhausted. Just keep running. You don't want to get fat do you? Don't stop.

I get to the top of the steps when everything goes black. When I open my eyes I'm on the ground at the top of the step. I roll over and try to sit up. Fuck my wrist hurts. I must have fallen on it wrong. Luckily I don't think my mom has gotten home yet. I was probably only out for a couple seconds. I get up and go to my room. I go back to my closet and lay there pretending I'm dead until my mom gets home.