I was on the re feeding unit for two weeks. I refused all visitors. I didn't want them to see me that way. I just wanted to die the whole time I was there. I gained five pounds while on the re feeding unit. I hated every single pound I gained. I'm fat. But if I just do whatever they tell me to do I can get out and relapse. And this time I won't let anyone take me back to the hospital.

It's not easy to start eating again. I breakdown at every mealtime. I don't want to get fat again. I'm so disgusting. No one will ever love me. I wish I could just cut off all the fat. I wish I never gained weight when I ate. But unfortunately for me food equals weight gain and weight gain equals fat. I wish I could be like Dallon. He eats whatever he wants and he's a twig.

"Come on Brendon it's time for group therapy," Jenna says knocking on my door. Groups are the only time both the boy and girl units get together. I prefer the girls unit because they all want to be my best friend. The guys on the other hand, there's not many guys here but the ones that are here are afraid they're gonna catch the gay. Because that's how it works. Being gay is contagious. That's why I stay in my room all day other than mealtimes, groups, and visitors.

Dallon visits me five days a week. I told him he doesn't have to visit that often but he insists that seeing me is worth the 30 minute drive here and back. I don't think I'm worth it. And as soon as he sees how fat I get he's not gonna want to visit me anymore. He'll think I'm a fat fucking pig and never want to see me again.

I walk to group slower than the rest of the guys. You know so they don't catch the gay. Once we get to the group room I sit by Jenna and Jessie. Jessie's younger than me. She's like the blue haired little sister I've never had. I feel bad for her because she's been stuck in here for over a year. That would be torture for me. She also has to constantly have a feeding tube. But if you think that's bad it's even worse for Eugenia. She's been here forever. No one really knows how long. I wish she could see that she doesn't need to starve herself. She looks worse than any of us here and I'm not trying to be mean. I just wish nobody had to be here. This place is torture.

"Good evening everybody," Jenna says. We all reply back with different versions of good evening. Some positive. Some negative. I just smile for a brief second then go back to my normal face expression. Or as some like to call it, resting bitch face. I mean I don't think I look that angry. But I'm angry half the time I'm here so maybe I don't realize when I'm making an angry face.

Next Jenna goes over the confidentiality rules. She has to do it for every group even though we already know the rules. "So does anyone have anything they'd like to talk about today in group?" She asks. Richie raises his hand. "Go ahead Richie." "So my mom found my videos on YouTube and said I'm going to be grounded from the Internet when I get home," he says. Good. He deserves it. He's an asshole to everyone for no reason. He's the main reason I stay in my room all day. He keeps whining about how it's not fair and it's his right to go online.

"Can we talk about actual problems?" Oh shit. I said that out loud. "Things affect people differently Brendon. What might not seem like a problem to you might be to someone else," Jenna says. "I know... Sorry," I say putting my head down. "Is there anything you need to talk about?" She asks me. I shake my head. I have nothing to I need to share. I mean everyone here already knows why I'm here. I don't eat. I think I'm fat. It's not a secret. The majority of us are here for that same reason. Of course there are others with bulimia, binge eating disorder, eating disorder not otherwise specified, and so on.

Next Ariana starts talking about how she's leaving soon. Lucky. I'm trying really hard to follow the rules here and eat all my food at mealtimes but it's hard. I can't stop thinking about all the weight I'm gaining. And before I know it group is over. I go to walk back to my unit but Jenna stops me. "Are you doing okay?" She asks. "Yeah why?" "You just looked like you were upset," she says. "I'm fine," I tell her. "Okay you can go catch up with the rest of the guys." I walk away. My eyes are starting to water. I wish I could tell people what I was thinking but they can use anything against you in here. One bad thought and what you say gets reported and you have to stay longer.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and head straight to my room. Every fifteen minutes a staff member checks on me. I try to go to sleep because there's nothing better to do. I mean sleeping is like being dead. Well it's like being dead when I don't have a nightmare. Which isn't often. I've been having lots of nightmares involving my dad. I push that thought to the back of my mind. I don't want to think about him. I want to think about Dallon. All the good moments I had with him before he leaves me because I'm fat. I mean we're not together but we're really good friends. Great now I'm going to cry again. Thinking about him leaving me breaks my heart. He's the first guy to ever be interested in me since I was 13. And I'm going to lose him. I wipe the tears from my eyes again.

It takes a while but I finally fall asleep. One second I'm sleeping peacefully and the next second I'm waking up screaming. Ray comes running into my room. "Are you okay?" He asks. I nod my head. "Another nightmare?" He asks again. I nod my head. "Maybe you should talk to Jenna about these nightmares." I shake my head. "It's fine. I'm fine," I say. I am not talking to anybody about my nightmares. "Well maybe during group you can write about your nightmares to hopefully get them out of your mind and onto paper. It might help. Just a recommendation."

He's right. So for Ray's group today I decide to write down everything. The reason I started to starve myself in the first place. My first time purposely skipping a meal. What inspired me to keep it up. And why I can't stop. I write down all the bad things I think are going to happen if I gain weight. Then I fold it up and stick it in my pocket. No one can ever read this.