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SKIN & BONES
iii. CONTROL

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STORMS MUST ARISE BEFORE rainbows can paint the skies. Lorelai Swan wasn't sure about many things, but she was convinced that rainbows were not the symbol of happiness.

Sure, they were colorful, iridescent. Sometimes if light reflected off of some glass in a certain way, the stripes of a rainbow would emerge along walls, puddles, and the rest of the world. Some liked to believe that at the end of a rainbow, a pot of gold and magical entities could be found.

However, Lorelai Swan despised rainbows and every little thing they seemed to "symbolize", for the way she saw it, rainbows merely masked the slowly fading thunderclouds with their sparkles and colors. They distracted from the bad, bad things life had to offer.

"Pick up your tits, Bella! Let's go!" shouted Lorelai, huffing and puffing. She dragged her body forward, despite how exhausted it was, as she and Bella hiked up a steep hill. The latter seemed to be following shortly behind.

"Next time, I'll just pull up a pic of the sky on Google and turn off the lights in the house," grumbled Bella, digging the heels of her dirty converse into the ground. "It's the same thing!"

"The view is best at the top! Come on!" Lorelai snickered at the sound of Bella groaning.

Sometimes, the glamour of rainbows was just enough to numb the pain. Bella Swan was Lorelai's rainbow.

Shaking her head, Lorelai uncontrollably laughed as she sat beside her sister moments later at the top of the hill. "Are you fucking with me, Bella?" she demanded in amusement. "Okay, say Dad lets you get a butterfly tattoo. I still wouldn't approve!"

"What?" Bella demanded, "Why!"

"That's lame as hell!" she continued to tease. "I'd rather see you get a... oh, I don't know... a chain-smoking bunny on your ribcage or something. Now, that is what I call a conversation starter."

Bella sat with her legs crisscrossed, whereas Lorelai's body was sprawled outward, her hands embedded in the dirt and grass. A low chattering from woodland creatures filled their ears, the sound gradually fading into nothing as they fell asleep. However, as they entered their regularly scheduled slumber, the nighttime creatures awakened. Nature was always exploding with life. You were never truly alone in the outdoors. Charlie lectured Lorelai on this often—the dangers of animals and whatnot.

But Lorelai always found nature peaceful. It never judged, no matter what. It didn't know how to. It only existed in gratitude for those who tended to the greenery. When Forks felt too suffocating, Lorelai liked to wander into the forest for a breath of fresh air. It took her out of the shackles of her body, her mind.

Did it really matter that a mountain lion could kill her anyway? It would just put her out of her misery quicker.

Living in a small town wasn't as delightful as people made it out to be. It wasn't just boring, but it was tough. Everyone knew just about everyone's business. It was impossible to possess even a little bit of privacy in small towns. Just imagine being an Anorexic college dropout in a small town like Forks.

"Do you think Dad's gonna kick you out?"

The question was blunt, but Lorelai wasn't bothered. She gazed up at the stars and tried to imagine what they felt like. "You mean like Mom did?"

"Mom didn't—" Bella tried.

"Well, why else am I here?" Lorelai clipped. "Why else are you here?"

Bella had nothing to say to that for a minute. "Mom just... Mom wants more out of life. Mom doesn't just want to be... a mom. She wants to be a human, too."

"She should've thought about that before she had us, then," Lorelai muttered. "What's so great about being a human anyway?"

Bella picked at a scab on her knee. "Nothing. It's all so..."

"Boring?"

Bella glanced back at her, finding Lorelai's smile. Bella stifled a laugh. It'd been so long since they could just... talk like this. Like sisters. "Yeah, exactly," Bella said. "We live, then we die, and what was it all for? Who was it all for? What's the point?"

"Careful," Lorelai taunted. "Keep talking like that, and Dad will pull a Renée on both of us."

"So you do think he's gonna kick you out," Bella realized. "I mean... It's not like... It's not like you're getting better."

Lorelai shrugged. "He won't. That's not who he is. He'll probably... I dunno, drag me to another treatment that Carlisle recommends. Maybe the one up in Seattle or something. Hopefully, no more in-patient—"

"I don't get it," Bella admitted, eyebrows furrowed together. "Just... eat."

"I eat," Lorelai snapped.

"Yeah, that must be why you're full of shit," Bella argued. "You know what I mean. I don't... I can't watch you... You're starving, Lor. I just don't understand..."

"Why?" Lorelai finished. She sighed. "I don't either."

"Then, eat."

"It's not that simple."

"Then, what is it?" Bella weakly asked. Her eyes were wide, pleading. "What can I do to help you?"

Lorelai locked her eyes with Bella. "B, I've got it under control," Lorelai attempted to convince, her voice assuring and mesmerizing. "Nothing bad's gonna happen."

A short silence expanded between them. Bella looked out ahead of them once more. They looked over the horizon, the trees just barely leaving small gaps open to reveal the sparkling stars. "How many people do you think are there on this planet?" she wondered. "Like, what, a few billion? I bet a bunch of them who are about to die just said the same thing."

Lorelai pressed her lips into a fine line. She knew Bella meant well, but she despised how she didn't understand how Lorelai felt. Since she was a pre-teen, she didn't feel good about herself. Sure, maybe on the outside with witty and snarky comments to protect her, she seemed to be doing fine most days. However, to say Lorelai felt horrible about herself was a major understatement.

"It's not about dying," Lorelai muttered. She sat up, ignoring her sister's heavy stare. "And it's not about living either. I just... I don't know why I do it. I just don't see a point."

Bella hesitated. "In eating?"

"In anything."

"So, it is about dying, then. You don't want to live, so you're choosing to die," Bella said. For once, Lorelai didn't know how to respond to that. It didn't feel like a choice. Maybe it used to be, but now, she couldn't imagine living any other way. "I've never given much thought to how I'd die. Not until you... you know, started to starve." The distant chittering from the cicadas in the trees filled the next pause of silence. "But dying in the place of someone I love doesn't seem like such a bad way to go."

Lorelai glanced back at her, puzzled at where this was coming from. "You okay?"

"Seeing you again..." Bella hesitated. "Just makes me think about... that stuff more." She raked a hand through her hair. "If I could take this from you, I would. If I knew how to, I would take it from you, even if it killed me."

Lorelai furrowed her eyebrows. No one had ever said something like that to Lorelai before. Not Charlie. Definitely not Renée. Bella might've been the last person she was expecting that from. Timid, awkward little Isabella. She tripped over her words as much as she did her feet.

"Don't say that," Lorelai said.

Bella ignored her. "Maybe... Maybe you're more resilient than you think. I mean, how long have you been like this?" Gold from the city lights far away reached for them. Lorelai leaned away while Bella embraced it. "If you wanted to die, you would've done it by now. I know you, Lor. I always have." Lorelai started to reply, but Bella beat her, "But it's not about dying. And it's not about living. So, what's it about? Help me understand, Lor."

I don't know. Lorelai wanted to say that because she always said that. She said it to Charlie, Renée, Carlisle. She said it to the old ladies at the grocery store and the men working at the gas station. She said it to the kids that were bold enough to ask if she was sick and the teenaged boys she went to school with that always asked if she wanted a burger. I don't know. She said it because no one ever argued with her.

But Bella was a Swan. Stubborn as they came.

"I don't want you to understand," Lorelai quietly said. "I would never let you die for me, so you'll never get to understand. I know you, too, Bella. I know how much Renée abused that kindness of yours, and I refuse to be like her. I'm not letting myself be your... your burden."

"Mom isn't a burden, and neither are you," Bella defended. "Everything I did for her, it's because I love her, and she loves us."

"Then, why did she choose the world over us, Bella?" Lorelai retorted. "Because she's selfish. I know she is because it's the one thing I inherited from her."

Bella touched her arm. "Hey, you're not selfish—"

Lorelai ignored her. "We'll never be enough for someone like our mother. I'm barely enough for Dad—"

"Who cares about them?" Bella clipped. "Honestly, Lor, who cares? You're enough for me. You've always been enough for me. More than enough. You're everything to me. I don't care if you push me away. I don't have to understand to love you."

Lorelai's gaze fell, hiding the tears lining her eyes. She didn't understand how she could feel Bella's warmth while still feeling so cold. She often felt like a shell within herself, hollow and frail. Whatever existed deep inside her, the part of her that was still warm and good, was reaching for Bella. Lorelai could feel it. But she wouldn't let it out.

"It's not that easy," Bella whispered. "I know that. But... I just... I wanted you to hear that from me. In person. Not over an email or a text. Just... It's me. I just want a few more years with you. I just got you and Dad back."

Lorelai placed her hand over Bella's and brought it to her lips. "I can give you whatever I have left in me, B," she whispered. "Is that enough?"

Bella scoffed, but she didn't let go of her sister. "Were you even listening to me, stupid?"

Lorelai laughed. "I love you, too, okay?" she said. "The best part about all of this is that we'll be sisters even when we're dead. And if I die first, which I probably will, I'll haunt you and your future husband and future babies for generations to come."

Bella rolled her eyes, but again, she refused to let go of Lorelai.

They stayed like that for a while, and for the first time, Lorelai let herself enjoy this feeling. Whatever this was. Peace. Love. There was nothing Bella could say to fix her, and Lorelai hoped she knew that. But for now, this was okay. Lorelai had everything under control. Ever since she severed her relationship with Renée, she was a master of keeping everything under her control.

Her ears perked up as Bella yawned for what was probably the seventh time that evening. "Maybe you should head home," suggested Lorelai. "I think I'll just hang back here for a little while longer. And don't even bother arguing because my Bullshit Meter turned off hours ago."

Through a yawn, Bella asked with somewhat inaudible words, "Are you sure? How are you supposed to get home?"

"You'll never believe it because it's this crazy new thing, but..." Lorelai paused for dramatic effect. "I'll walk."

Bella just rolled her eyes and gathered herself before walking back toward the truck. Lorelai was worried that her sister would fall asleep at the wheel, given her weary condition. But she knew this wasn't the first time she'd driven while half-asleep, no thanks to their mother.

Reticence shrouded the world around Lorelai, excluding the chirping crickets around her. The warm air blanketed her body as she leaned back on her hands, eyes shut. Tranquility greeted the teenager. It was a feeling that came and went as it pleased, but was nonetheless appreciated whenever it arrived.

When Lorelai heard a twig snap not too far away, her entire body tensed with shock. It was as if she could sense that something dangerous was near. Maybe an animal? A serial killer? Lorelai wasn't sure, but being out at this hour was making Lorelai a little too paranoid for comfort.

Leaves crunched in a pattern that sounded closer and closer with each step. Someone, something was there.

Slowly, Lorelai rose. She nearly called out to the stranger, but if it truly was a serial killer, then Lorelai knew one thing: she most definitely wasn't going to die like the main character of a cheesy horror flick.

Lorelai took two steps forward. She squinted, struggling to look into the forest around her to see whatever it was that was hiding in the sea of darkness. However, Lorelai's emotions changed at the speed of light as she did so. Whatever curiosity she had been experienced was replaced with trepidation, with the urge to run far away from whatever was waiting for her.

Hesitantly, she kept her feet planted to the ground. Then, without another thought about it, she hurried home, leaving her to speculate one thing.

What the hell was out there?

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hmm.... a being that randomly made lorelai's emotions change?

gee i wonder who it was
cough cough wink wink

Revised: November 6th, 2019
Revised: May 23rd, 2024