[ notes/ ok so,, i've written many many many things and posted them absolutely nowhere. i was always like oh nooo this is too embarrassing LOL, even though they're not all??? oc/canon??? a lot of them is just angst and platonic stuff, but I've always been too nervous to share any of these things. somehow i can write for others with no problem but anything i write for myself is suddenly too embarrassing to share. anyways please enjoy this absolute tragedy that is kazemaru ichirouta ]

[ kazemaru ichirouta. " when i gave into my fear. i was completely consumed by it. " ]

I can still hear it.

I can still hear him.

Scolding me. Berating me. Shaming me.

That we'd 'gone through so much together'. I can still hear him yelling at me, shaking me, begging me. At first it was just a painful memory, but now I'm forced to live through it every single day. I'm forced to listen to those words over and over again, every time I go to sleep and every time I wake up. It'd gotten so bad, I couldn't stand looking in the mirror anymore. I threw a bed sheet over it.

 I don't want to see my face.

The day I'd left the team, I'd walked away from the life I built for myself. The life I always wanted. Friends to count on, people to always be with, comrades to support me, and outsiders to admire me, appreciate me. . . I had her, too.

The day I'd left the team, she followed after me. As if she could read my mind, as if she could see the reason for my pathetic weeping. She ran after me, and called out my name. At first, I was mortified. I didn't want her to see me this way. I didn't want her to know I was weak on the inside, I never wanted her to know I was frail on the inside. That I lacked confidence and skill, unlike the others.

I turned around, and without saying a word, she held onto me. She didn't scold me, she wasn't cruel to me. But she didn't beg me to stay either. A small part of me wanted her to sob on my shoulder, and plead for me to stay. I wanted her to say I was useful, I was important, and I mattered.

She let me cry on her shoulder for a while, not budging an inch. The only thing she had said; was that she was sorry.

I knew I wouldn't be able to forget her, I was never able to go a day properly without seeing her smile. There was just something comforting about knowing she was around, that she was okay and happy. This may be the reason every day has been so dull. The only light in my life being that of my cell phone, constantly staring at her contact.

Hoping, wishing, praying that she would call.

Shamelessly, I'll admit. I wanted her to take my hand, and follow me. I wanted to bring her home in my arms.

 I wanted us to die together.

 Whatever fate the world came to, then we'd die in it together. If I could spend my last days alive with her, then I wouldn't mind dying.

I crossed paths with Miyasaka one time. He asked me, "why aren't you with the rest of the team? Are they not trying to save the world?"

I don't know why, but I laughed.

Maybe I was fed up with the 'saving the world' nonsense. Was my contribution not enough for them? Was my pain and suffering, not enough for anyone?

There's a point in life you realize that no matter how many hardships you're forced to writhe through. The world will never cater to you in any way, you won't ever catch a break just because you deserve one.

With all my spare time, running early in the morning, and late in the night through Inazuma Town, I'd just overthink everything. I thought about what Endou told me, and what I told him in response; "I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you, Endou."

Why should I apologize?

Humans are not made equal. . .

I started to believe the team was beginning to loathe me. That they thought I was a traitor, a coward that ran away in their time of need. Sometimes things are too much, it was just too much. Maybe this does make me a traitor, a coward. I started to believe that they already forgot about me, that they never needed me to begin with. I was a burden, a chore to look after. . . This scared me. These thoughts were starting to scare me. When they came home, they'd be basking in the glory from all of Japan. I'd be nothing but a tool tossed aside to rot in the dirt. They'd come home and not even spare me a glance, because I ran away.

When I finally gave into this fear. I was completely consumed by it.

I'd make them remember me. I'd make them realize what they put me through, the pain that I had to go through. Everything I sacrificed for them, nothing I was thanked for. I was taken for granted, and now that they have better people to be with, then I was not of use anymore.

The glowing purple light of the meteorite stone was intoxicating. Almost like the feeling of injecting steroids, more than what your body can handle. It's a strangely pleasant feeling, despite the craving for more. This little rock would easily grant all my wishes, then I can finally move on.

I'll never forgive them, but I'll make an exception for her.

A sickening, twisted imagination that God gave me.

"Darling, darling. I fall to pieces when I'm with you."