Note: this is heavily inspired off of my life but I don't cut

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Zak's POV

I walk towards my class, overthinking. It's been happening more and more often and it's getting annoying. I feel like I'm gonna have more and more mental breakdowns.

I didn't even finish my school work. Everybody will be dissapointed in me, won't they? That never changes through.

My family won't understand me either. I can't blame them for anything, after all, I caused this upon myself. I don't even trust them enough to open up, which is just stupid of me. I have so many unfinished assignments.

They're right.

This is what I get for not doing the work I should've.

Why am I blaming them? It's my fault.

They didn't do anything wrong.

I need to stop overthinking, I literally feel like I'm about to cry for no reason. I most certainly don't want a meltdown in front of everybody.

I sit down, leaning against the wall. Sometimes I wish I was better in hiding my emotions. Meanwhile, I look tired and depressed all the time, it gets pointed out so much that I can't even count all the times.

I hate being in the center of attention, everytime it happens, I feel exposed and awkward. Knowing how many people dislike me doesn't really help.

Nobody is as smart as you'd expect, including the teachers. Only one of them noticed that something's wrong, and instead of asking me if I'm okay in privacy, she did it in front of everybody. And the students? Either they don't see it, only caring about their friends, or they know but decide to ignore it.

I'm giving out so many hints that are cries for help, yet they still don't realize.

I don't understand why I have such high expectations of them. Of course they don't care about somebody that's quiet and doesn't think of anybody as a friend.

I don't even deserve anybody to care about me, why would I expect that?

I hear one of my classmates talking about a short test I didn't know about, just like the usual. The topic is simple and easy, so there's no need to worry about that. The bell rings as the students walk intro their classrooms. I sit down and unpack all my stuff.

We don't have French today so there's a second math right after this one. The teacher starts talking about some group project. I hesitate a bit before asking:

"Can I work alone?"

There was an uneven number of students to have equal groups, so she only answers with:
"Perfect! Now for the short test..."
She explained everything and started handing out the pages, stopping in front of me "You were gone for a bit, do you wanna write it today or on a different day?" "I'm writing it today." I say as she hands me the page and continues what she was doing.
Soon, we finish and give her the papers.
She starts putting us into random groups, when suddenly, the bell rings.

There's a second math after the break, so I'm the only one to take my backpack with me.

Dammit, I feel like crying again.

Quickly, I run to the bathroom stall, failing to stop my tears.

Why am I like this?

Overreacting all the time.

Worrying people for no reason.

Worthless.

Why is everybody except for me useful? I just don't want to be the burden I am.

I hope to get somebody to care for me, yet I still avoid it in every way I can.

No, that's the right thing to do. People shouldn't know, neither should they try to help me. I don't deserve it.

I shakily take out the knife and roll up my shirt. That way, nobody will see.

At least I hope.

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After a while, I walk out since the next class is starting soon and I shouldn't be late.
Everything seems so unreal.

I quicken up my pace, walking towards my classroom. I see Darryl on the corner of my eye but ignore him.
Then, I feel immediate pain as somebody grabs my arm. I wince, but realizing somebody might see, I change my expression.

"Zak, are you okay?"

I turned around to look at him, doing my best to keep a straight face

"Yeah, I am. Why?"

"There is literally blood on your hoodie, don't lie."

I should've done something to make sure that doesn't happen. Why am I so stupid?

"You're coming with me."

His grip on my hand tightens as he heads to the infirmary with me.

It hurts so bad, but I need to hide it the best I can. He obviously knows that I have a scar on my stomach, but he can't know about the scars on my wrists.

I have no excuses for these.

'My pet scratched me' isn't just overused, it only makes that more obvious. It's worse than no explanatory. Besides, if it was from an animal, the scratch wouldn't be a perfect line, the skin would be ripped at least a bit.

He knocks and opens the door to realize the nurse isn't here.
He sits me down and lets go of my arms as look at him, confused.

"What are you doing?"
"I'm only helping you." he answers.

No, I don't deserve it. The more he sees, the more suspicion I create.

"I don't need any help." I say, standing up.

"You clearly do, sit back down or I'll make you."

I try to leave, but due to my surprise, he's stronger than me, and so, he forcefully gets me to sit back down.

"Lift up your shirt."

I cross my arms.

He sighs, changing his voice to a softer one.
He's only trying to help, yet I'm simply annoying him. He'll probably get me a therapist or something if he knows anything.

"Listen, if you don't do anything with this, it's only gonna get worse."

"So please, let me help you."

.

.

.

Silence.

Should I?

Of course I shouldn't.

Fuck it.

I stand up and run away, shutting the door behind me.

He's faster than me and we both know it, but for some reason, he doesn't seem to be following me.

That's helpful.

I get into a bathroom stall (again) and roll my shirt up to see the scar.
I take off my hoodie and use it to clear the blood.
After I'm done, I get a different one and put it on, hiding the one stained red into my backpack.
Getting out, I realize class started 10 minutes ago.

I could probably just skip instead of embarrassing myself by walking in late.

I look around the school corridor. there's nobody.
I want to go outside, but somebody may see me.

Actually, nevermind.
I don't care if they do, at the end it won't even matter.

I quickly walk towards the exit. When I'm out of school, I decide to go to a shop that's a couple minutes away.
I run away from this hellhole as fast as I can.
After it's out of sight, I slow down, but I'm still speedwalking because I got used to it throughout the years.

I've been late almost everywhere way too often back in elementary school.
Now, I barely do it anymore since I've made myself a 'better schedule'.
And by that, I mean sleeping 3 hours per day or not sleeping at all.

What a great schedule!

I finally see the shop across the road. I was for the lights to change and when they do, me and a few random people cross the road. My destination is right in front of me.
I walk into the spot, getting a milk chocolate and paying the worker. After walking out of the store, I start heading back, thinking about my past.

Before the summer, I used to be okay. It was a nice life.
I was in a group of friends that I trusted enough to tell them about not believing in God.
During summertime, my friend told me that the most respected member was talking stuff behind my back.
That's when I thought of avoiding them. I remember how at the end of summer, I had somewhat a lucid dream of being in school.
I walked up to 3 of the guys from that group and started talking to them. They seemed to ignore me. Since I thought they hated me, that's what happened in the dream. The leader told me to leave them alone and not talk to them. Being the pushover I am, I simply walked away. After a long time, I woke up.

They still act all nice towards me, and most of the times I don't know how to react, so I just awkwardly laugh. Even when I was in the group, I didn't talk to them a lot.
I wasn't as socially awkward as I am right now, but that was enough for me to be alone most of the time.

When looking outside while in a car, I remember actually believing that in high school, I'd have somebody to care.

And so, I got a used to being lonely, even If I still hanged out with them sometimes.

But now Darryl talks to me, it's not that often through.
I don't want to believe he's actually willing to be friends with me, but he has a good reputation so there's a chance for that.

Unless is just a mask, even if it doesn't seem like it, I'm pretty sure that a lot of people do that.

Okay, for now, I need to focus.
I'm close to school and don't want to get caught. I turn the corner to see the building. There didn't seem to be any students or teachers outside.

After a while, I walk in.

What time is it?
I check my phone.

1:38 PM

There's English in 2 minutes.
I go and get my stuff, when suddenly, somebody stops me. it's Darryl.

"What were you doing outside of the school terrain?"

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That escalated quickly didn't it

I barely even checked this so pls correct me if there are mistakes

(1664 words without this, how the heck-)

I forgot to add trigger warnings to the description and chapters I need to edit that-