Harry

The sound of a baby's cry woke me up four hours after Emery was born, it scared me to bits as I looked around to realize they had brought her back into the room while both Alex and I were asleep.

Alex was tired, and rightfully so, slowly gaining consciousness. "I got her," I told her, letting her turn her head to the side, clearly still exhausted from pushing a child out of her body.

I picked up Emery, her mouth open, slightly trembling as she let out a cry. She was hungry but also had been having some trouble so feedings were done by the bottle for now. I took a seat and realized that it wasn't hunger, but she actually a messy diaper. I needed to know what was wrong and how to stop her tears. I hated to see her cry, just like I hated seeing Alex cry.

I changed her, fed her, and then laid her on my chest where she finally calmed down, listening to the sound of my heartbeat. Just as I settled down, a nurse walked in and looked over at me. She had been the one on duty when Alex gave birth. "How are things?" I nodded, telling her I was a bit nervous, but I think I had things under control.  "It's a new experience being a dad huh?"

"Yeah, I just want to be there for her and stop her crying." The nurse began restocking what needed to be done and checking on Alex.

"You know I have a son, and he is the best thing to happen to me. All I want is to be the best mom, but remember that there is no such thing as perfect." She began. "We become parents and want to be gentle and delicate, treat the baby like it's porcelain, we want to be there for everything and be super mom or dad. But just remember that as long as you try and love them unconditionally, you're doing great." I nodded, thanking her for the words of encouragement.

I looked down at the small baby in my arms as the light coming from the moon against the dark sky through the hospital window, shined on her face. "I'm gonna love you unconditionally, and be there forever," I promised. "You're my little piece of heaven, and the best thing that's ever happened to me, besides your mummy." I smiled looking over at Alex who surprised me when I realized she was awake.

Our eyes met and she smiled gently at me. "Is she okay?" I nodded.

"Yeah, she's good." I smiled big, "I'm learning."

I was in scrubs next to Alex as we helped the doctors take Emery to the operating room. We laid her down as she wore her surgery gown. She looked up at us confused, her eyes sad and worried. "It's okay baby, things will be okay, mummy and I are going to be outside and we'll be here when you get out." She laid down and looked up at us. "Okay?"

"'Kay." She nodded slowly. We said our goodbyes and kissed her one last time before letting them put anesthesia on her and watching her eyes close.

It can weigh on you like being buried in the sand that things like this happened because you failed as a parent. I was young, Alex was young, we brought in a child and weren't prepared for any of this. But in reality, no parent can prepare you for this, no matter how experienced you are. I guess being this young just made it scarier.

Nothing else was important right now. All the high school drama, the moving, money, nothing, it was all irrelevant when the piece of your soul that is mixed with the one you love is being cut open in the next room. I could care less about anything but my baby at this point. That is except Alex, who at this point looked lost. Her eyes were sunk in, the lack of sleep and nightmares she described to me being the reason. Her shoulders were slumped, hands fidgeting with her shirt as we took a seat.

We sat next to each other alone in the parents waiting room. These type of situations had to be handled gently, and as much as it killed me, I didn't want anyone here with us at this point. Not our parents, or siblings, no offense to them but their words would be meaningless and would ultimately frustrate me more than be helpful.

Alex held my hand and sniffled every few minutes, a clear sign that she was still crying. I didn't know what to say to her that would help, mostly because I too was trying to help myself.

I can't explain to anyone how much it hurts to be in this position.

"Harry?" Alex spoke, her lungs filling with air as she took a deep breath and turned to me. "I'm scared."

"M-me to the angel, but she's gonna be fine. She's s-strong and brave, and the doctor is a p-professional and will do everything he can. She'll wake up and it will be a long road to recovery, but she'll be okay. Look at me, I'm perfectly fine and I've been through cancer twice. They said I would have trouble having kids from chemo and I still got you pregnant."

She laughed at this and leaned her head onto my shoulder. "I'm just- I'm glad you're here with me." She sighed. "I know this is shitty of me but I have to tell you something," I told her she could tell me anything. "I wasn't going to tell you I was pregnant when I found out. I was afraid it would ruin your life and- I didn't want you to waste your potential."

"Alexandria." I turned my whole body to face her as I cupped her face. "Meeting you and having Emery are two of the greatest things I have ever done. You've made my life better. I don't care what people say about us being too young, all I know is that I love you and I love our daughter. I didn't waste anything, I gained everything." I held her to my side and squeezed her tightly.

A few hours passed and they came to give us an update, telling us they were doing well and going along schedule. I let out a long deep sigh in relief but still felt this bubble of stress in my stomach. I guess one can't relax until their baby was out of surgery.

I scrolled through my phone at places to live, we only had a few weeks to find a new apartment or house and it was definitely weighing down on my shoulders as well. The silence here was making me overthink again.

Alex turned her head to me and looked down from her phone to my phone. "Oh, I wanted to talk to you about the apartment thing. My mom and dad said that if we wanted to- if you wanted to- we could move back in."

My mother taught me how to forgive even the worst of people, but Alex's mom was one of those people that really irked me. Yes, I wanted them to make up and be active grandparents in my daughter's life, but to live with them was asking a lot of me.

"I don't know baby, it's hard to see her talking to you the way she did. I'm pretty sure she'll have another bad week and continue to be rude- I'm not going to hold my tongue."

"I don't expect you to. It's just with everything happening, maybe it would be best that we just stay with her while we figure out what to do." She had a point, besides, we wouldn't be there all the time, just to sleep really.

At the same time, it scared me because Emery would be in recovery and would feel any stress in the house. "I will pick up and leave with Emery at the first sign of trouble." She didn't seem to like that I said that.

"Harry, that's a bit dramatic." She shook her head.

"I'm serious Alex. Brain surgery is serious-" she stood up and scoffed, clearly taking this whole conversation the wrong way.

"I know it is-"

"Let me finish." Our voices remained even, but I could tell I was walking a fine line between a discussion and a fight. "I don't want you or her or myself to be stressed out. No offense to you, but your mother is a stressful woman-"

"Harry-"

We didn't have time to continue the discussion as the main doctor on Emery's surgery walked in with a look that made me feel ten times better; he was smiling. "Hey, the surgery went really well." Like music to my ears. "But we need to talk."

Oh no.

Questions or comments?

Thanks for reading. Xx

-k