A/N Was meant to be Kaz being jealous but that felt too shallow for Kanej so I've attempted something different where Kaz doesn't realise how much he wants Inej until she's speaking to another guy.

Kaz was waiting behind a shop near the docks, eyes on the lookout for a certain ship that would bring a certain Suli girl home. Kaz didn't know why, but he felt some amount of sadness that Inej had also ended up calling the Barrel her home. He was the one who trained her and taught her tricks to fit into this place, and now, a girl who glowed brighter than the sun had decided this dark dungeon was her home.

He shook himself when he saw the ship being secured to the dock and when he saw a flash of dark brown hair and a lithe frame clamber off, her eyes finding his almost immediately. And she smiled. Smiled so happily. Kaz refused to accept his presence made her so happy. He didn't deserve her happiness or her goodness and yet she showered him with it. It made him itch. 

She wandered over to him after saying goodbyes to her crew and came to a stop before him. His breath caught. She was beautiful. In every possible way. And the desire to hold her hand or even kiss her was nearly as strong as his repulsion of skin. 

Just as he was about to say hi to her or make a witty remark about the countless slaver she must've brought down, another man skipped over and threw his hands around her shoulder. It took a great deal of effort to hide Kaz's shock and keep his face neutral, a mask placed over confounding emotions.

"Kaz, this is-"

"Elijah," Kaz said, partly not even aware he was speaking, "I know everyone on your crew. I've done background checks on them. Made sure they would be the best fit and would keep you safe. Not that you need it, but just in case."

And before anyone could utter another word, he disguised himself into the shadows and hurried over to the Slat, slamming his door shut and sinking into his chair as he tried to remotely understand what he was feeling.

***

Inej looked at Elijah, who appeared flabbergasted. "You're friends with this guy?"

"We're not friends," Inej said immediately, "It's... complicated."

Elijah raised an eyebrow. "Look, if you've had history with him, it's okay, but you could have told me..." He trailed off at Inej's disapproving look.

"No history like that," Inej confirmed, "You don't need to worry."

"Okay," Elijah smiled, easing back into his relaxed self, "I'm sorry for overreacting."

"No, it's okay," Inej smiled back, "I'm going to head to my friends' house. I'll catch you later?"

"Yeah," Elijah leaned in, kissing her cheek. Inej fought the need to shudder, a man's skin so close to her still making her nervous.

She waved goodbye to Elijah and headed off in the direction of the Slat her, mind whirling. Elijah had asked whether they could be more than friends a few days ago and Inej had said they could try. 

But even as she had said so, guilt had crawled its way inside, even if she knew she didn't owe it to Kaz. She knew that unless he dropped his armour she wouldn't have him and yet she felt so terrible about Elijah. 

Surely she should've given Kaz more time. This was only her second voyage and surely Kaz needed more time. Surely he was trying. But it was difficult to know whether he was when she spent so much time away. 

And spending all that time away thinking about the Kaz who redid her bandages hurt. Thinking about the Kaz who had found her parents, the one who had paid off her indentaure, the one who had bought her a ship and the one who was still offering her free information to help with her missions hurt. Hurt more than she thought it could.

He was a broken boy who did so much, but couldn't go one extra step to call her his. 

And then Elijah had started speaking to her, and conversations were sometimes difficult to keep flowing and silences were heavy, but he made her feel valued. Kaz did too, but not emotionally. And she needed emotions and a heart and a safespace.

After everything she'd been through, she needed a connection that made her feel at home. She didn't feel that with Elijah, but that was probably due to the short amount of time they'd been aquainted. That's what she told herself anyway.

She had reached the Slat. She scaled up to Kaz's window and knocked. He seemed to sitting with his head down on his desk and when he looked up, his eyes were bloodshot and void of anything. He looked like he was breaking apart. 

***

Kaz had come back to his room and did what he hadn't done since Jordie's death. He spilt some tears. They too dried up quickly until he was crying silently, but he had cried. He didn't know he had it in him. 

Seeing Inej be happy with another man was a bullet to the chest, a kerchief being pulled around his neck, a knife, maybe one of Inej's, being stabbed into him over and over. He had thought, in a crooked, twisted way, Inej was his. 

Not like his girlfriend (the word itself felt insulting to what he felt for Inej), but his to protect and watch over, his to admire as she made men kneel, his to yearn for and he thought he was hers. Her place to come back to, her place to confide in, her place to, hopefully, know that whatever she said would never be used against her.

But he was wrong. How stupid must he have been to think that Inej would see past his wounds to the broken man he was trying to ressurect? How stupid to think Inej found happiness in their joint silences like Kaz did? How stupid to think that he could somehow be the man she chose? How stupid to even think he deserved a place beside her?

He put his head down on his desk and stayed utterly still until a knock at his window disrupted his turmoil. There was only one person who that could be.

***

Kaz opened the window and Inej slipped in.

"Kaz, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. How was your voyage?" his voice was tight, lacking the usual knife-like sharpness.

"Successful," Inej smiled, and then she dropped it, avoiding his eyes, "About Elijah..."

"You don't owe me an explanation," Kaz looked past her and out of the window, "I hope he makes you happy. If he hurts you, you know where to find me."

She was going to protest, but she didn't know what she could even say. Seeing Kaz so vulnerable hurt more than the emotional void she'd been enduring. His pain outweighed the happiness she felt with Elijah. She swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "Can I stay the night?"

"You know you can."

She took her place upon the windowsil, so familiar, so comforting, so much like home. Kaz sat on his chair and she knew that he was looking at her, wanting to say something. She was going to prompt him, but he started talking.

"I'm not asking for your forgivness, Inej, but I just need to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better man, I'm sorry for everything you've endured because of me, and I'm sorry I can't make you as happy as Elijah does. I'm not begging you to break up with him, because you deserve someone who would make you happy, Inej. 

I just want to say, I guess, I have been trying to lose my armour. Because of you. I can't explain what you make me feel, but thank you, because without you, I would be lost on so many occasions.

But seeing you with Elijah hurt, Inej. I know I don't have the rights to be hurt, but I want to tear myself apart because I know I could've been the person making you laugh, but I can't right now, and it's agony, Inej. I'm trying to be the man you want but I want to try so much harder now and I'm sorry it took Elijah coming for me to realise that.

I want you. I'll always want you. But I won't ever come in the way of your happiness. And I won't even dream of having you until I can be the man you want and deserve. Until I can be yours fully, I won't ever ask anything of you. I'm happy for you, Inej."

Inej was crying, facing the stars as she felt Kaz's gaze bore into her back. She couldn't look at him without fully breaking. Because he was trying. She felt like an idiot. She knew Kaz enough to know he wouldn't break his word, especially to her. And yet, she had been stupid and chosen Elijah because he made an effor to talk to her.

But being in Kaz's presence, she realised Elijah never made her feel strong or as her own person. He never listened to her dark side, and when she did think back to the Menagerie now and then, he was conviniently never there. 

Kaz knew everything. And yet, he didn't treat her like a broken doll. She was always his Wraith. She was always her own person with Kaz. She wasn't laughing to fill a void. She was happy in their silences and she was content with sitting at his windowhil for hours. 

And she desired more, but in a way, so did Kaz. He wanted to touch her and kiss her, but he couldn't. And she'd been stupid enough to not think through anything and latch onto the first promise of emotion that Elijah promised. When in reality, the calmness that flooded into her at the Slat, the reassurance of hearing Kaz's pistol when she wielded her knives, the safety of talking to him on a rooftop... Maybe they outweighed the happiness of Elijah.

Because Kaz and Inej couldn't always be happy. They'd seen too much and had felt too much for that. But they understood that for each other. That was worth waiting an eternity for. Inej couldn't believe she'd thought otherwise. Yes, she craved an emotional connect, but she craved to be the one to see past Kaz's armour more, she craved to finally hold Kaz's hand, and she craved the moment when he would be hers, and she knew they would get there. And she would damn well try until they could.

She couldn't believe it had taken her Elijah to show her that. She shook her head to herself and said, "Kaz, I'll be back." She scaled the building back down and sought after Elijah. She explained everything she'd realised, apologised and before he could say anything, she was back at Kaz's window.

***

Inej appeared at Kaz's window again, and she was facing him, her eyes bright and shiny as she looked at him. She walked closer to him and held her hand out. Kaz held his breath. It felt as if dawn was breaking over, as if an iced river was cracking, as if a flower was blooming. He removed his gloves and then took her hand in his.

It was as if he was being bathed in sunlight. The waters weren't rushing at him and he could feel her soft skin against his, and his body seemed to be set alight.

"Kaz," her voice was so so soft, a melody he could listen to for eternity, "I'm sorry. I thought Elijah was making me happy, but that's not all relationships are about. They're about safety and feeling calm amongst any turmoils, and I feel that with you. I always have done. 

I know you're trying and I'm sorry I doubted that even for a second. But I will never doubt it again. I will wait, Kaz. However long it may take. Because you make me feel strong, you make me feel like I can take on the world. And I know you'd burn down the world for me. So I know you will try for me."

"Inej-"

"Shush," Inej whispered, "I will have you, Kaz Brekker, exactly as you are because I can see past the armour now. I can see you for who you are. And I want you too. How much ever you'll give me and however long it will take for you to hold me. I'm with you. I always will be."

"I will do this for you," Kaz promised, wiping away her tears with his thumb, "I promise you. I will make sure I am deserving of you before you call me yours. And..."

Inej raised an eyebrow, breath stuttering. Kaz whispered, "I want to... to hold you now."

He released her hand and with a touch as soft as moonlight, as soft as the flutter of butterflies, he laid a hand on each side of her waist and gave the smallest of tugs. There was nothing threatening to drown him now, all of his cells only intent on Inej as she took the step forward and slowly laid her head down on his chest.

He brought his hands around her and he felt her drop her weight onto him more and he felt honoured that she felt safe enough to do so. Time slowed as he kissed the top of her head, as her tears soaked his shirt and he knew that the waters were losing.

His desires for Inej were so much greater than his fear. His love for her won againt his monstrosity. The safe future with her in it outshone his ruthless past and he felt a calm sense of happiness flood through him. He held on tighter.

***

Inej realised then, against Kaz's chest, that Kaz could offer her emotions and understanding no one else could. With a teary smile, she clutched his back tighter and thought being held so close despite all of Kaz's past was the effort he was willing to make for her. And that this, in his arms, hearing his heartbeat settle and beat against hers, was home.

A/N Please vote and leave a comment if you enjoyed! And sorry for typos, didn't have time to proofread lmao

Love, IC x