A/N Kaz needs stitches but Inej isn't around, so he calls for Jesper. Featuring a vulnerable Kaz and brotherly moments between Kaz and Jesper as Jesper learns what happened to Kaz Rietveld to turn him into Kaz Brekker.

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Kaz swore. A knife wedged into his side, and he winced, swinging his cane and knocking out the person who'd stabbed him. That was the last of the Dime Lions who had stupidly decided to ambush him. Kaz clutched his side and stumbled over to the Slat, wincing and struggling as he pulled himself up to his room. He sat down on his bed, grabbed a cloth and pressed against his wound.

He wished Inej was here. She was the only one who knew why skin repulsed him and she seemed to convince him she understood even if she didn't. He would've preferred to stitch it up himself, but the angle made it awkward, and his next best bet would've been Inej. But she was on one of her voyages, so the next best option had to be Jesper. He sent a runner for the Van Eck mansion.

Kaz didn't understand what he felt for Inej, what their limited moments of intimacy meant, but what he felt for Jesper seemed to be equally complicated. He trusted Jesper despite him running his mouth and the gambling addiction and now he seemed to be doing so much better. Wylan really was a good influence. But deep down, Jesper brought out rage and sorrow within Kaz. He reminded him too much of Jordie.

They both had a way of being happy, finding the sun when it's dark, and they both were stupid and greedy enough to lose everything worth living for. But maybe Kaz was annoyed because Jesper now had to opportunity to change, and he was changing. Jordie didn't get that chance. He received death lying under the stairs, didn't have a chance to understand his own greed and stupidity.

He saw what Jordie could've been in Jesper. When Jesper messed up it reminded Kaz of how grandly Jordie and him had messed up and it made him furious. But now, seeing Jesper happy, seeing how hard he tried not to spend hours at the Stave, seeing how he clenched Wylan's hand so hard when the itch was unbearable, it made Kaz feel a sort of jealousy. If Jordie was alive, if Jordie had found more friends, would he have been able to recover from his greed? Would he have still been here with Kaz?

Kaz started when there was a knock at the door and Jesper flooded in. "Hi boss- holy shit, what happened?"

"Fight with Dime Lions," Kaz answered, "Probably needs stitches."

"You could ring for a medik?" Jesper gave the smart solution.

"Don't want to," Kaz said, "Can you stitch?"

"I've done so once before for Inej," Jesper was hesitant, "But she told me how and what to do."

"Do you remember her words of wisdom?" Kaz asked through clenched teeth.

"Of course," Jesper grinned, "Her Suli proverbs are quite memorable."

"Ever heard a proverb about helping a man who's got a knife stuck in him rather than talking to him?" Kaz offered.

"Right," Jesper nodded and took a seat beside Kaz. Even that made Kaz flinch. Jesper didn't comment on it and started peeling Kaz's layers back to get a good look. He winced, headed to the corner of Kaz's room where he kept a med kit and threaded a needle. He got out a roll of bandage and some cleaning wipes with alcohol.

He closed his fists around the knife and said, "This is going to hurt. One, two, three." He yanked and Kaz nearly doubled over in pain, stifling a scream. The blood gushed out and Jesper handed him a cloth and Kaz applied pressure to the wound.

Jesper got the wipes and held it to the wound, and then hesitated. Kaz asked through gritted teeth, "What the hell are you waiting for?"

Jesper looked up at him and where there was normally joy twinkling away, there was sorrow and hesitancy there. "I- You don't like being touched. And I'll try do this without brushing against your skin as much as possible. But I'm sorry for when I do."

Kaz was oddly touched. He also realised Jesper, like Inej, didn't seem to say it like he was pitying Kaz or was judging him. He said it as if it just was. Kaz nearly smiled. "I'll brace myself."

"I can wear gloves?" Jesper suggested, "Or try Fabrikating the needle or something?"

"Let's not risk you stabbing me because you can't actually feel the needle in your hand or if Grisha powers don't work," Kaz said, "Just get it over with."

So. after most of the blood flow stopped and was absorbed into the cloth, Jesper dabbed at it with the alcohol wipes and heard Kaz take in a sharp breath. Jesper's finger brushed over Kaz's ribs, and he convulsed, the water rushing at him, but he forced himself to be still.

He could fight this. He'd promised Inej he would, and he trusted Jesper as much as he trusted Inej. He could do this. He clenched his bedsheets and shut his eyes as once again Jesper's finger touched his skin.

"Sorry, sorry," Jesper was mumbling, and Kaz knew it wasn't for the sting of the wound.

Kaz didn't say anything, but after a while the alcohol wipes left his skin, and he felt the press of the needle.

"Kaz, I'm going to have to pinch some of your skin to get the needle in," Jesper warned and Kaz nodded.

As soon as he felt Jesper's hand make proper contact, the water rushed at him and choked him, and he was back on the Barge, dead bodies everywhere, the water cold, Jordie's body, him freezing and he wanted to throw up. He was breathing, trying to tell himself it was only Jesper, that both of them were alive, but the water was so close, and he was breathing way too fast and his eyes rolled back.

"Kaz, Kaz, Kaz," Jesper was saying desperately, "Kaz, it's okay. Can you hear me? Breathe. It's okay. You're having a panic attack. I have it too. Wy says you need to focus on what you can feel around you. The bedsheets in your hand, the horrible smell of the Slat. Feel the mattress Kaz. Can you hear my voice?"

And Kaz did. Through the panic, through the revulsion and pain, he could make out Jesper's voice like an echo. He nodded.

"Good," Jesper said, and Kaz could feel that his hands had stilled. He was still touching Kaz, but it was so still, as if it was helping Kaz get used to the sensation. "Good. Focus on my voice. You know Wylan? He's working on this new chemical to create silent explosions. He says you could use it for some of your heists. You'll have to pay him some money though. Joking, obviously. But it could be a great weapon. For Inej as well. It's so weird. She was our Inej, and now she's a hero for so many people, Kaz. I miss her from time to time though. Especially when you're being grumpy and she's not there to soften our moods. I also miss her when we need stealth. I swear I used less bullets when she was around because she could just dodge people instead of having to shoot them. But anyway. I'm proud of her. She's doing great. There we go. All done."

And Kaz realised the waters stayed only up to his knees, that Jesper's voice and hand hadn't wavered at all, hadn't been thrown off by the fact Kaz had had a panic attack and Kaz opened his eyes when Jesper moved his hand away. He was smiling. "Not as good as Inej could've done. But I've done my best. Sorry if it was painful-"

"There isn't a way stitches aren't painful," Kaz rasped out, pulling his shirt over his wound again, "You did fine."

Jesper nodded and turned to go. Kaz stopped him with a quiet, "Thank you. Not for the stitches."

"Kaz," Jesper faced him again, "We're brothers. We're here for each other always. I know you do that whole 'I don't give a damn about people' thing, but I've seen you when Inej was stabbed, when she's told you about her time at the Menagerie, when you've trusted me after my stupid gambling problems. It's okay to care you know?

I know it's not the same, but I always told myself I wouldn't get attached to anyone, just fool around because then I can keep my pain to myself and so that no one would have a hold over me. But then I met Wylan, and he taught me so much. I- He... I'm attached to him in a way I thought I never would be. And he's always bringing out the best in me. It's not a weakness to care, Kaz."

"I did care at one point," Kaz said hesitantly, "And then I lost it all. I lost the whole damn thing, Jesper. It hurt like nothing ever could. I can't... I couldn't put myself through that pain again. I guess it's easier not to care. To have nothing to lose."

"That's not true though," Jesper said and Kaz was surprised he hadn't kicked the Zemeni out by this point. "You care. You care about Inej."

"I-"

"Don't even deny it," Jesper said, "I'm not talking about you like liking her or whatever. Just that you care for her a lot. And that's okay. And-" Jesper hesitated. They didn't normally have conversations like this. "It's okay if you do like like her."

"I-"

"You don't owe me anything to tell me about that," Jesper continued, "But it's okay."

This was a big step, putting his trust in someone else, giving them something to tear away from him, but he took a breath and said, "I... I care for you too."

Jesper nodded. Then feigned disappointment, "You don't like like me, though?"

"I think Wylan would explode the Slat if I did," Kaz said with a smile.

Jesper turned to go yet again and again, Kaz said, "Jordie was my brother."

Jesper turned to him then, face serious. "Oh."

"He died from the plague. Our parents died, we came to Ketterdam, and we were conned by Pekka Rollins. We lost every single damn thing. And then the plague took him. And I was thought to be dead. Woke up in Reaper's Barge surrounded by corpses. Used Jordie's body as a saintforsaken float to get back to the city. And I think I died that day at the Reaper's Barge and when I came to the city, I was a new person. I destroyed everything that took my life away. I destroyed everything that destroyed the boy I'd been," Kaz explained.

"You didn't have to tell me," Jesper said, the 'I'm sorry' he was going to say dying on his lips. He knew Kaz didn't want sympathy.

"Everything went wrong, Jesper," Kaz's voice was a mixture of fury and remorse, "And it all went wrong because I loved and cared so much about everything I'd lost. So, the best way forward was to not love everything. So, no one could hurt me like they did then. But then I met Inej, and you, and even Wylan and Nina and Matthias."

Kaz carried on, unable to stop, "Jordie's greed was what Rollins used against us. And that's why... I see Jordie in you. But you've made yourself a better man. Someone Jordie could've been if he'd had time. If he'd had more people around him. He was a someone I didn't want to lose. Every time you gambled everything away, I'd think of Jordie and how he gambled our lives away. It infuriated me. It scared me."

"Kaz," Jesper said gently, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how stupid I was, and I know you don't want pity. I'm not pitying you. You made yourself a name after all you've been through, and you've admitted you are learning to care again. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve sympathy. I'm sorry. For all that was taken away from you and for Jordie."

"Thank you," Kaz rasped and stupidly, he felt tears in his throat. He cleared his throat and said, "About the silent explosives?"

"Oh," Jesper grinned, "I made that up. I didn't know what to talk about."

"You got me all hopeful," Kaz said.

"My apologies," Jesper said, "I should get home now. Wylan will be worried."

Kaz nodded, "You can tell Wylan about all of this. If you need to."

"It's your secret to tell," Jesper said immediately, "But just know it doesn't make you weak."

"Yeah."

The admission felt like a big step forward; he'd admitted something he'd considered his greatest weakness wasn't something to shy away from and, oddly, he felt a little lighter. Jesper went outside and popped his head through the doorway again. "You should come around for dinner sometime."

Kaz would've said no, wanted to say no, but what tumbled out his lips was, "Sure. Tomorrow night?"

Jesper's smile was as bright as Jordie's had been. Kaz felt, for the first time in years, a sense of completion, a sense of his heart beating like a human's and not like some cold monster's. He stepped towards Jesper, took of his gloves and held his hands out. Jesper didn't stare, held his own hand out and nodded. Kaz took his hand in his, shivering when the waters threatened to crash, but pushed it away and shook Jesper's hand. And then he dropped his hands and gave a half smile that Jesper returned.

The Zemeni went home and Kaz lied down in bed, hand tracing patterns on his stitches. For the first time in years, he felt remnants of Kaz Rietveld, the boy who had love, who could love and the boy who'd had hope and had felt as light as a feather.

In his dreams, he saw Inej's smile, Wylan's arm around Jesper's waist and he saw Jordie. But Jordie didn't have a haunting glare this time. He had a friendly smile, a smile that said 'you're learning to be better. I'm proud'. 

It was a smile that seemed so similar to Jesper Fahey's. 

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A/N Hope you enjoyed! I love writing Kaz's persepective; his character depth is so well explored and great to write. Leave any suggestions that you think could make a good one-shot!

Love, IC x