If you thought being kidnapped was bad, imagine being kidnapped by villains who can't even villain properly. Truly, I've hit the peak of life. 

Someone give me a medal.

Gold perhapse...

I stood at the edge of the room, leaning against the doorframe like the unpaid babysitter of a group of malfunctioning toddlers. Only difference here, I am not getting payed for anything and I was kidnapped for this whole shit. 

Now watching these idiots argue was my daily dose of comedy—and misery. Today seemed like it wouldn't disappoint. 

Can't wait to hear the big plan....

That would get someone caught or me getting beaten again.

Did I say great?

I mean horrible.....

Death sentence horrible.

Maybe I should....

Nah I shall...

I will be snitching on them this time.

I had enough for sure.

Stanley—aka Idiot 1—was at the center of the chaos, slamming his coffee mug down on the table like he was announcing the cure for stupidity. 

Spoiler alert: he wasn't.

Idiot 1: All right, here's the plan!

Oh, this should be good.

Go on...

Use your 3 brain cells..... oh wait, sorry!

I forgot you just have one.

Jeff—Idiot 3—was the first to interject. 

Idiot 3: If this involves me pretending to be bait number 2 again, I'm out. The heroes almost took my leg last time!

Almost. 

Which, frankly, is a tragedy. 

Losing that leg might've knocked some sense into you.

Plus it was me who got burned soo badly that I had to lay down for a month and none of you baffuns helped me!

Stanley scowled. 

Greatest Idiot: No, Jeff. We're not using you.

His gaze swung toward me, and for a split second, I actually hoped he wasn't about to say something stupid.

Greatest Idiot: We're using the mute kid!

I blinked. 

Slowly. 

Once. 

Twice. 

And then I stared at him with all the intensity of someone mentally questioning every life decision that had led to this moment.

Idiot 5, the self-proclaimed tea connoisseur, raised an eyebrow. 

Idiot 5: You mean the deaf kid?

Didn't he already say that.....

Like 5 min ago...

You still questioning this?

I knew I am here for trouble but this....

Why do they always have to repeat themselves.... as if they can't actually remember the past 2 seconds....

YES!

He means me!

I am the bait as usual and as usual none of you all got the point where I would call the cops in the beginning and then hope for the useless heroes to actually get you all this time.

Why do they always send some heroes that are low budget and can't do shit....

My misary would have ended sooo sooo long ago.

Idiot 5: Whatever! Same thing!

Yes, Stanley. 

Same thing.

 In the same way coffee and tea are the same thing. 

Or, you know, brains and whatever is sloshing around in your skull.

Jeff frowned. 

Idiot: How's he supposed to lure heroes? Last time he did that, he was running away from cats!

Stanley grinned like he'd just solved world hunger. 

Idiot 2: Because the heroes already think he's shady! They'll believe he's the mastermind! They#ve seen him one too many times after all.

Oh. 

My. 

God.

ARE YOU STUPID!

I tilted my head, pretending to be interested as they continued digging themselves deeper into the pit of their own incompetence. The plan, as Stanley enthusiastically outlined it, was simple: send me out as bait, get the heroes to think I was the mastermind, and then... profit?

Luke—Idiot 6—chimed in from the corner, picking at his nails like he wasn't part of this circus.

At this point there was no need for numbers... they were all idiots and they share one goddamn braincell if they thought this was a good idea. 

Idiot: You want the heroes to believe the kid is the one running this entire operation?

Stanley nodded. 

Idiot: Exactly!

I don't know what's worse—that he actually thinks this will work, or that the others haven't immediately shut it down.

Luke shrugged. 

Idiot: To be fair, he's smarter than you, Stanley.

Idiot: Shut up, Luke!

I stared at them, expression carefully blank as the words floated through the air, forming sentences that popped and disappeared almost as quickly as my patience. If I wasn't already deaf, the sheer stupidity of this conversation might have finished the job.

Stanley crossed his arms. 

Idiot: This is foolproof!

No, Stanley, this is fool-filled. 

Specifically, by you.

idiot: You've got a quirk, and they won't know what hit them. You're the perfect bait!

Right. 2

Let's ignore the fact that I've spent years feeding the heroes anonymous intel about your stupid plans. 

Or that I've been actively working against you under your noses this entire time. 

Perfect bait, indeed.

And you still think I have the most powerful quirk.....

NEWSFLASH!

I don't!

Idiot 7, who always looked like he was one bad day away from a mental breakdown, raised a hand. 

Idiot: So... if the kid's the bait, what's the plan if he gets caught?

Stanley waved him off. 

Idiot: We'll blame him for everything! Say he tricked us! The heroes will stop looking for us, and we'll be in the clear!

Blame me. 

For everything. 

Bold strategy, Cotton. 

Let's see how that plays out..... ama just take out that I GOT KIDNAPPED CARD and start brawling my eyes out.

Who will believe you all then?

Jeff leaned back in his chair, arms crossed. 

Idiot: What if the heroes don't buy it?

Idiot: They will!

Stanley insisted.

Spoiler: they won't.

Idiot: And if they don't?

Luke asked, looking genuinely curious, just like the rest of them all.

Stanley hesitated for all of two seconds before Idiot 7 jumped in with a solution. 

Idiot: We kill him and blame the heroes!"

Ah, there it is. 

The obligatory 'kill the kid' part of the plan. 

Took you long enough.... and we all know you won't do it.

How many times did you say that by now?

423rd or 425 time?

The room fell silent as everyone turned to look at me. I stood there, perfectly still, my face a mask of calm indifference. Inside, I was rolling my eyes so hard I was surprised they didn't fall out of my skull.

Stanley cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable. 

Idiot: Okay, maybe not kill him. But we are using him as bait!

Of course you are, IDIOT! 

Because when has that ever gone wrong before?

The others nodded reluctantly, mumbling half-hearted agreements. And just like that, the plan was set. I was bait. Again.

I turned on my heel and walked out, my thoughts running a mile a minute as I left them to their stupidity.

Honestly, I should just let them go through with it. The heroes would clean this mess up in five seconds, tops. But noooo, I have to be the responsible one. The vigilante. The guy who makes sure these idiots don't accidentally blow up a city block trying to microwave a burrito.

As I climbed the stairs back to the upper level of the library, I couldn't help but shake my head.

This plan won't last a week. 

Tops.