She's such a bitch.

I use the fingers on each hand to wipe the sweat from them as I try to steady myself against what I'm about to do.

She came in here, acting like she really wanted to help. Pretending like I mattered to her. Like she wasn't just here to make her own guilt go away. But I'm not the naive idiot she wants me to be. I don't just believe everything I'm told and do what I'm told when I'm told to. I make my own decisions now with what I know and what I see.

And what I see in her is a guilty person. She feels guilty for what she did to me and how she treated me and now she's just trying to make herself feel better. She thinks that if she just says the right thing at the right time and in the right way that everything will just be better. That she'll be able to make herself feel better and not have to feel guilty about what she did to me. It's not going to happen though. No matter what she might think is happening, it's not. I won't let her manipulate me into making her feel better about herself.

Curling my fingers into a fist, I squeeze my nails into my palm.

Her whole sob story about me coming home for the holidays and us forgiving each other? That was all crap. She thought she could just tell a sad story and I'd feel bad for her and I'd just accept it and do what I'm told. She thought if she said she felt bad that I'd just believe her. That I'd let her back in and she can let herself off the hook. Maybe even let her back into my pants so she can get some. But I won't let that happen. I won't let her manipulate me.

I won't let anyone manipulate me, not even...

The door opens and my sister walks through it. I look down at my hands and I haven't broken the skin.

I guess that wasn't me then.

She just stands there watching me for a while.

Seriously? She's just going to stand there like that?

It makes me squeeze my fists again, digging my nails into my palms.

"What the hell do you want?"

An obviously hurt look stares back at me quickly.

Wow, that didn't take very long. It took even less time than it did with my ex and she folded almost immediately.

"I came to see how you are."

"Why?"

There's a bit of a pause in her response as the hurt look continues.

"Because if I'd just talked to my ex for the first time since we broke up, I'd be hurt. Actually, I was... several times, with several exes."

My nails dig into my palms even deeper.

God, she's doing it again. She's making this about her and how she feels. She's always doing this.

"Yeah well, in case you hadn't noticed... I'm not you."

Silence again follows my words for a while.

"I know."

I can't help but smirk at the way she says that.

"Do you?"

More silence follows.

"Yes, I do."

"Okay, then believe me when I say that I'm fine."

She watches me for a few moments before giving me a weirded out look.

"Really?"

I straighten up a bit while trying to push my nails deeper into my palms. A stinging feeling in my fists forces me to try and avoid showing it.

Can't let her see what I'm up to or she'll try and stop me.

"Yes."

"Because Connor told me about what happened."

He did? Well this should be fun. I'm pretty sure he didn't tell her everything.

"He told you about the threesome?"

"Yes, he... wait, what?"

That puts a smile on my face.

Didn't think so.

She gets very confused.

"You had a... with who?"

"Well, Connor, obviously. But also this girl I know."

"Was it... the vampire?"

What?

"No, I'm not you remember? I don't go for the vampire type. She was just a girl, my roommate."

"Why would you do that?"

Oh come on...

"I don't have to explain getting some do I? I thought you had a boyfriend."

She shifts uncomfortably, averting her eyes.

Wow... really?

"He left you already? How'd you manage to screw this one up?"

"I DIDN'T..."

She looks to the door suddenly as she stops.

"I... I don't want to talk about it."

What the hell is that about?

"You know, I've been pretty badly beaten up over the years. I've actually died, twice. Way worse than what you apparently went through, and I can say I really wasn't okay after. Actually, I don't think I've met a single person who was okay after being tortured. So I'm kinda surprised that you can be okay."

"Of course, you get to say whether or not we're going to talk about you but I don't get to decide for me. Just like it always is."

The stinging feeling in my palms changes and I feel something wet on a few of my finger tips.

Got it... might as well test it out.

"How about we change that?"

I watch her to see if there's any change in attitude, waiting to hear what she says next.

"Look, Dawn, it's not that I don't want to talk with you about this. It's just..."

Again she looks towards the door before taking a few steps towards me.

"Now isn't really the time."

Damn it... I don't think it worked.

Without my nosy sister noticing, I let my hands relax while running my fingers over the wet spots I was feeling just to make sure it's not accidentally sweat.

Definitely doesn't feel like sweat to me. Pretty sure I broke the skin.

I watch my sister for a couple seconds.

I guess I can't really affect anyone who is in the room. But then how did I affect that nurse? Her hair definitely changed.

"Dawnie, Faith told you that someone's coming for you right?"

I roll my eyes at my sister.

"She told me you both failed to stop some idiot. She didn't exactly go into a lot of detail."

"Well maybe if you..."

For some reason, she stops herself and she glances back to the door.

What the hell is that about?

"This guy isn't a joke Dawn. He really could kill you, and he'll probably kill all of us to get to you."

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

"Why?"

"We don't know. He said that what he wants is..."

"That's not what I mean."

She looks at me confused.

"Why the hell is he going to kill you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he wants to kill me. Why not let him?"

Silence follows my question.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm just saying, why put yourself through getting yourself killed when you don't have to?"

More silence from my sister.

"You're my sister."

"What's your point?"

"I'm not just going to let him kill you."

"But, you could."

"Dawn..."

"There's nothing stopping you from just going home and letting it happen."

"You're what's stopping me. And it's stopping Faith too."

"Except I'm telling you not to let it. Go home."

"Dawn, you don't have to be scared. We'll find a way to save your life."

God... I don't remember her being this clueless.

"I'm not scared. You're just not listening. I don't want to be saved."

That shuts her up finally.

"I'm sure Angel's kid told you what put me in the hospital. That wasn't an accident. I may not have planned for her to become a vampire, or want to be captured or tortured, but I didn't exactly stop her either. I didn't put a lot of work into hunting her down. I was more interested in his hot body than I was keeping myself safe. There's a reason for that. I'm not trying to save myself. I'm trying to kill myself."

"But... why?"

She can't be seriously asking me that. Her?

"Why the hell did you? Or maybe I should ask, why the heaven did you?"

Again I'm met with silence. She doesn't do much more than shift uncomfortably.

"I can't stand the idea of living one more day. Of going on like this for another hour... another minute. I want it to end. I want to be done with it all."

Eventually, she tries to say something.

"I get it. I remember what that was like. I remember feeling like there was no reason to keep going. Do you remember why I found one? Why I kept going?"

"Because you were an idiot."

"The hardest thing in this world is just to live in it."

"Yeah, and you're an idiot for trying."

"Dawn..."

"I mean, seriously. You actually know what heaven is like. I don't and I can barely stand to be here. How the hell can you stand it?"

She watches me a while, like she thinks I asked a rhetorical question.

"I don't know. I just... do."

Seriously? That's her answer?

"I guess, at some point I just had to stop thinking about it. I couldn't keep obsessing. I had to move on."

"Well it's like I said, I'm not you. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't just, move on. I just want it to finally end."

There's no real response from her when I say that.

Wow... she's even dumber than I thought she was. It's almost kinda sad to see it.

"Just... get out."

She doesn't move as she keeps staring at me.

"I said, get out."

Again she doesn't move.

"GET! OUT!"

Finally, she heads for the door. Part of me can't help but smile at the feeling watching her leave gives me.