*Trigger Warning: Mentions assault, sexualization, violence, toxic perceptions.

Four months later...

Miami, Florida

I need a drink.

Hard, mind-numbing, soul-paralyzing liquor.

My room—one of the posher, more expensive units in the already posh and expensive, newly opened Hotel Montclair—had a respectable bar selection. But I didn't have the time to pour myself a drink or four if I wanted to find Stellan in the crush of people upstairs.

So after a quick shower and minimal make-up, I slipped into a short black dress with long sleeves and a low dip both in the back and the front. I paired it with black Louboutins and accessorized it with a dark ruby lip.

I'd spent the entire day at a rented private beach house overlooking Biscayne Bay, shooting a magazine spread for an upcoming spring/summer swimwear launch. After hours of being sunbaked with a small crew of people slapping make up all over me, including contouring my ass, I wanted nothing more than a quiet evening bare-faced, wearing a baggy shirt and relaxing with some wine.

I'd booked a room at a smaller, low-profile hotel nowhere near South Beach but Stellan emailed me before lunch to say that he was on his way to Miami with two rooms booked next to each other.

I told him that he didn't need to fly out because I was heading home tomorrow but he just replied that he'd decided last minute to show up at the launch party for Hotel Montclair which was owned by one of his best friends, Oliver Yates. Until two years ago, this South Beach property had been a sprawling but aging hotel with a city-block-wide beachfront. After it was added to the Yates luxury hotels portfolio, it had undergone a rapid and dramatic transformation and tonight, a week after its soft launch, an exclusive, celebrity-studded opening party was underway at the rooftop pool and lounge.

I would've avoided all of this if I'd flown out here on my original shoot schedule two weeks ago but I had to bump it a week because my period was due. Not only did I not want to model extremely thin strips of fabric against my crotch even with the most powerful tampon in the planet, I also did not want anyone with a contour brush near my girly bits at that time of the month.

But my period skipped out on me so I bumped my shoot another week, and after four days and a lot of self-inflicted emotional torture, I sent a hasty email to Stellan who had been in Paris visiting his sister at that time. Despite my back-to-back episodes of breaking out in cold sweat, I pulled my big-girl panties on, drove out to CVS, and took home a pregnancy test.

Negative.

No baby.

Three different tests kits confirmed it.

Thank God because I'd needed a drink badly at that time, having gone dry for a couple of days when the possibility dawned on me.

I emailed Stellan the update along with a har-har joke about jumping the gun only to find out that he'd already boarded a flight home. But I was still reeling, even as I called myself all kinds of stupid, about the very real possibility of our lives altering permanently, that I couldn't face him.

So like a spooked animal, I hailed off to New York with the excuse of a couple of work meetings when in truth I just spent my three days there walking around and doing some shopping. My period—short and sweet as it always was—came and went while I was there so I rang up the editor for the Miami shoot as soon as I was clear and flew out here last night. Stellan had called and sent emails, clearly wanting to talk that little scare through, but I wanted to wait until I'd shaken the nerves off my system. That way, I could laugh it off, you know? It's probably going to be funny once I'm done freaking out.

But he's here now so good luck turning this into a comedy.

I took a deep breath and got on the elevator.

I told myself I'll have some time to have a few drinks and calm the fuck down since in a very high-profile social setting like this, Stellan and I usually avoided each other unless one of our mutual friends inadvertently brings us together. He's not a big fan of keeping a distance but I just know that if we're left alone, we'll forget ourselves and anyone with eyes will see what's going on.

The elevator opened to a vast, somewhat busy lobby and I stopped to quickly assess who was around. Two bouncers flanked the door to the lounge and the handful of people loitering was a mix of hotel staff, a pair of press people and likely party guests.

I narrowed my eyes as someone snapped a photo of me with their phone as I walked past but decided to focus on my mission ahead.

I didn't have an invitation but I usually never need one to these things.

Most men tend to recognize me as proven by the moment one of the bouncers sighted me.

I flashed my warmest, sultriest smile. "Good evening, gentlemen."

Both of them responded with an almost comical look of fascination and I had to rein in the urge to roll my eyes.

"Good evening, ma'am," one of them replied.

I raised a brow. "Ma'am? Do I look forty to you?"

At that invitation, the man did a quick appraisal of me, laughing nervously as he shook his head. "Of course, not. Not at all, that is."

The other bouncer jabbed his coworker on the ribs as he stepped aside to hold the door open for me. "Welcome, Miss Jones."

I should just really walk inside but I couldn't resist, partially because I was hoping to go back to my room with the excuse of not being on the list. "You're not even going to check?"

The man smiled. "Already did, when you came out of the elevator. You're VIP."

Thanks, Stellan.

I just hope that he managed to throw my name in there without rousing suspicion.

With my shoulders squared, ready for battle as always, I sauntered in and made a beeline for the bar for some liquid fortitude.

After two quick Sazeracs, I finally turned around and took in the scene, instinctively aware that in my immediate perimeter, a few men were already taking notice of me.

But my eyes were focused on scanning the crowd, looking for the one man with the sole power to stop my heart with a tender smile and send me running at the same time.

There.

A smile curled on my lips as I spotted Stellan's dark head in the distance, all the way on the other side of the massive pool that stretched across the center of the rooftop. He was laughing with a small group of people that I couldn't see clearly until a couple in front of me wandered away.

My eyes narrowed into slits as I recognized the members of Stellan's little party—Max Croft, Oliver Yates, Sebastian Vice and three very beautiful, scantily-clad women who were giggling and fawning over the men.

Billionaire bunnies, as Rachel had once nicknamed the small horde of interchangeable women who tended to seek out the Cobalt Bay Billionaires set whenever they were out in the public eye.

Ironic for Rachel, really, because she was in on it for the money and the prestige, too, but she'd considered herself in a far more superior position because she had actually 'landed' (her own words) one of the coveted four.

Having my own brief and unsuccessful stint at being a gold-digger, I usually try not to criticize except when it becomes personal.

And Stellan within reach of one—again—was personal.

Not only because he didn't deserve to be conned but also because he was mine—as tenuous as that claim might be.

I got another drink and watched, part of me curious if he'd give the slightest encouragement even as I dreaded seeing something I would never be able to bear.

He was standing back, talking and drinking, a good couple feet away from any of the women. Oliver was standing next to him, also taking part in the conversation but his arms were crossed in a stance that almost warded off any kind of physical contact. A woman was talking to Sebastian but he was looking off into the distance, a drink in his hand. In fact, the only one who seemed really friendly to the women was Max who had one on each side of him. Neither Stellan nor Max were a surprise but the other two who were reputed playboys themselves, puzzled me.

I sighed as I finished my drink, resigned to making my way across so that Stellan and I could stumble into each other and at least say hello, but as I was about to straighten away from the bar, a hulking male presence settled himself beside me.

I glanced up into a stunning face—vivid blue eyes, slicked back black hair that curled around his ears, a nose that looked like it had been broken once, and a dark beard that framed a harsh mouth.

"Your man is either very stupid or very afraid of you," he said with a distinct accent that took me a few seconds to place. Russian.

Since he wasn't ogling me—yet—I replied, "What makes you think I have a man?"

Now, he openly appraised me from head to toe, in no hurry as if he hadn't sensed the danger of a fist to his face any second now. "The fact that you need a man. All that fiery passion barely contained in such a sinful package—you cannot survive without satisfaction from one."

"Well, Romeo," I said, making no attempt to hide the cold bite of my tone. "You've definitely enlightened me on the benefits of man over a basic vibrator but unfortunately, you're not ahead by much so thanks, but no thanks. Now, leave."

I questioned the wisdom of my rash response the moment the man's eyes narrowed at me slightly, making me quickly recognize the air of danger about him. It didn't change things to his favor but I could usually size up men and the kind of fight I could pick with them.

"You don't know who I am."

Glancing down at his elegant, well-tailored suit, his inked-up knuckles and hand, and the unmistakeable head of a serpent peeking from behind the back of his neck, I quickly added it all up. "Let me guess. Russian Mafia."

Shit. Have you completely lost your mind, Kady?

Maybe it was all the alcohol I've consumed so far but I was apparently feeling bold enough to label the mob to their faces.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting but it wasn't the amused smile he suddenly flashed at me as he extended a hand. "Alexei Malikov. Boss of a Russian Mafia—specifically the US arm of Novos Bratva. Nice to meet you."

He didn't look like he was about to send me a horse head so I decided to play his game and shook his hand all-business-like. "Kady Lynn Jones—survivor of years being man-starved and advocate of such disciplined sexual diet."

Alexei laughed out loud, enough to attract the attention of some people near us.

Stellan was too far away to notice, thank God, but my relief was short-lived when I spotted another familiar face in a booth not too far away, craning his neck around to get a good look at me.

William Gold—a recording artist who often styled himself as a hip-hop-leaning pop star. He had an ego bigger than the oversized, flat-brimmed baseball cap he always wore and the pants that tended to hang way past his ass. I made the mistake of agreeing to appear in his music video a few years ago because he'd assumed that it meant I was also automatically jumping into his bed. I was just starting out with modelling at that time and my manager then told me not to make too many enemies. That the attention can't be helped and I should feel fortunate instead that I had what it took to catch any man's eye. So I didn't break any part of William's body. Just his ego and to this day, he's still got it stuck in his brain that all he needed was an opportunity to persuade me. So I avoided giving him anything he might interpret as opportunity. So that meant chatting it up with a bratva boss for at least the next five minutes. William always acted like he could get anything he wanted but I had a feeling he would draw the line testing that theory with someone who would send him a horse head.

"Maybe your flavor palette just needs something new. Something different," Alexei said, his gaze dropping to my mouth and I didn't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what flavors he was imagining I would try out. "Something exotic."

I raised a brow. "Eastern-European doesn't sound very exotic to me."

He smiled, leaning in a little closer. "I was talking more about a dangerous man. Sin is always tempting, yes? Especially when it looks like you. Or me."

I grinned because he was good—even if I didn't have the slightest interest in taking him up on his offer. His confidence wasn't manufactured. He knew exactly what he was about. "Sin holds very little appeal to someone already so well-acquainted with it."

Alexei studied me for a moment, his gaze amused but intent, before he shook his head. "I'm starting to think you might be right. Your eyes have seen too much."

Hitching one shoulder, I stole a glance in William's direction and saw that a very busty woman was currently taking up his line of vision quite abundantly.

"You should probably try someone a little less jaded," I told Alexei, signalling the bartender for another drink. "Someone you can still shock. Someone who might be able to still shock you."

Alexei rolled his eyes. "I try not to travel too far from the usual. That way leads disaster. Ruin—and usually not mine."

I scrunched up my nose at him. "Yeah, maybe avoid the lambs. They're too pure. Find something in between."

"That is too much work," he said with a sigh. "Having fun shouldn't be too much work."

"I think, seeing how capable you look, you're going to be just fine," I said reasonably. "Maybe spend less of your time talking to someone like me—"

"Kady!"

I couldn't suppress a grimace at William yelling my name and a quick peek revealed that he'd finally moved the pair of mountains—she really was that endowed—out of his way, and was trying to get up from the booth.

"Who's that? A lamb?" Alexei asked.

"No," I muttered, turning further away from William's direction which ultimately led me to lean more toward Alexei. "More like horse dung that just won't come off my shoe, you know?"

Alexei laughed. "You're really not keen on men, are you? Is it women, then, that—what is that phrase they say—floats your boat?"

Before I knew it, I smacked him on the arm as I laughed.

Alexei just laughed along so still no horse head for me.

Then from the corner of my eye, I saw someone approaching.

My throat went dry, even after I swallowed the last of my drink.

Stellan stood there, tall and decadent in a black shirt, a suede brown bomber jacket and black jeans. The light breeze had ruffled his hair, and his jaw hasn't met a razor in a few days. His dark brown eyes were unfriendly, and a taut energy—the aggressive kind—was emanating from him.

"Kady," he said with the hint of an undertone, meeting my eye for just a second before turning to the man who suddenly seemed to be sitting too close to me. "Alexei."

Alexei didn't seem perturbed. He smiled lazily, showing no inclination to move away from me. "Cartwright. Enjoying the party?"

"Not particularly," Stellan answered with no hesitation, his gaze unwavering. "At least not in the last five minutes. You?"

I tried to catch Stellan's eye, hoping to diffuse the situation before something could ignite and catch fire but he seemed determine not to look away from the staring contest that he'd started with Alexei.

"I wasn't really," Alexei replied pleasantly before giving a little shrug of his shoulders. "At least not until five minutes ago."

"Unbelievable," I muttered under my breath, finally catching Stellan's attention.

"Can we talk?" he asked. His expression was still hard, determined, that it was easy to assume he was demanding and not asking. But as he held my gaze, there was a flicker of the usual tenderness, that I knew he would not drag me by my hair if I didn't want to go.

"You're welcome to join our conversation," Alexei butted in and I almost kicked him on the shin. "Kady and I were just talking about sin... and who it appeals to the most."

Stellan's eyes narrowed as he swung them back to Alexei. "You're the subject matter expert. You don't need her advice."

"Maybe not but she might need mine," Alexei said, glancing at me with an irritatingly innocent smile. "I think I understand why she has a soft spot for lambs."

"We were just chatting so I could avoid someone," I blurted out, glaring at Alexei in warning in case he felt like speaking on my behalf again.

When I looked back at Stellan, his expression had darkened at my comment and it quickly hit me that he thought he was the one I was trying to avoid—probably because I'd spent the last two weeks doing just that.

"I was trying to avoid someone else," I clarified, knowing that all attempt at pretending nothing else was going on here was pointless. Alexei picked up on it from the second Stellan's shadow loomed over us. "Alexei is quite effective at being a deterrent."

Alexei smirked. "Apparently not to all men."

But Stellan wasn't appeased, the angles of his jaw made more obvious as he seemed to grind his teeth at the other man. "So you rescued her and claimed her for yourself."

Alexei shrugged. "Well, I didn't see a man with her who has."

At that figurative, strategically targeted mic-drop, Stellan's expression changed into cold fury that even I felt an inward shiver.

"How about we go have that talk now?" I said, getting up on my feet.

Stellan didn't look at me. "Not all men leash their women."

"No one is leashing anybody," I bit out angrily. "Not men, not women. No one's fucking chattel around here."

Alexei smiled at my outburst even though he seemed to still be talking to Stellan. "You can't leash the wild ones. You can only tame them."

I snatched up my purse and prodded Alexei's chest with a finger. "For that comment, you get a horse head."

"Kady," Stellan said warningly but Alexei just chuckled and straightened up, almost stretching like a big cat.

"You've clearly watched Godfather too many times," he told me before sighting someone behind Stellan and grinning.

"Alexei, old boy," Max said as he came up behind Stellan, putting an arm around his friend's shoulders. "Nice to see you made it."

Max's tone was warm and friendly but the way he stood next to Stellan, an alertness to his stance, told me he knew exactly the kind of tension he walked into.

Even though we were at the quiet end of one of the more remote bars, we were probably starting to attract some attention.

"I thought I'd put in an appearance," Alexei replied just as Oliver and Sebastian both filed in behind their two friends. They both briefly flicked a glance at me but they immediately focused on the subtle showdown happening. "I like to see what shiny new things crop up in my city."

The emphasis on my was soft but palpable.

"You're always welcome to visit around here," Oliver said casually. "You can leave business at the door and enjoy our many relaxing diversions here."

In other words, no blood business on the grounds.

I never thought the Cobalt Bay Billionaires lacked balls, literally and figuratively, but they had no problem looking mob lords straight in the eye.

Alexei just smiled at them broadly even if there was a hint of steel in it. "If your diversions are as lovely as Kady here, then I might take you up on that offer."

At the mention of my name, all four heads swung over to me and I had two options—roll with it or run.

I flashed a haughty smile and tossed my hair back. "I'm a west coast girl at heart but I'm sure Miami has a lot to offer when it comes to the wild but tameable types you like. Now, if you gentlemen won't mind, I'd like some fresh air away from all this testosterone."

With my head held high and my shoulders squared, I walked straight on, forcing Stellan and his friends to part like the red sea for me.

I went straight through the exit and I had just turned into a hallway at the end of the lobby where an obscure bathroom was located when I heard someone calling my name.

I cringed.

Fucking William Gold.

Fed up with men coming at me from all directions tonight, I turned on my heels and shot him a glare that was hostile enough to slow down his jog.

"There was a reason I didn't talk to you back there," I hissed. "And that's simply because I don't want to. So turn around and leave me alone."

His brows went up in surprise even as he tried to laugh it off. "You haven't changed at all, Kady. Still all hot fire that can burn a man."

He took the last step forward that would bring him fully into the cover of the hallway, completely alone with me, and my senses fired up.

At the slightest move of his arm as he started to extend it toward me, I shoved him hard on the chest, pushing him back out into the view of the lobby. "I said, leave me the fuck alone."

It wasn't just William's ego that always had him grasping for more. He was high like usual—that bright, jaunty look in his eyes, the deep sniffles, and the jittery energy.

"Now, come on, Kady. That's not nice," he said, dramatically rubbing the spot where I'd shoved him. "We can play rough, if you want. But the clothes go. You and me. My suite. Good?"

He leaned in, reaching for me again, and I dodged and slipped around him, putting myself back in the view of the lobby which, from the corner of my eye, didn't seem very busy at the moment.

"How about you go and fuck yourself," I shot back. "If you come near me again, I'm going to break your nose."

I'd walked a couple of steps while digging through my clutch for my phone when I was suddenly yanked back into the hallway by the back of my dress. I stumbled against William and since my dress had a deep V parting it both front and back, the side he had fisted in his hand pulled away from my shoulder and arm.

I shrieked, one arm instinctively pressing against my left breast which was almost fully exposed. I swung around and slammed my clutch against the side of his face as I furiously pulled away and kicked at him while trying to keep my balance in heels.

"Why can't you just stop fighting me for once!" William gritted out, his face getting red, his eyes flashing, spittle flying out of his mouth as he wrestled with me. "I know you want it. Women like you always do."

I pulled my arm free from his grip and flailed as I tried to hit him again but all of a sudden, someone grabbed me away and held me against me a hard body.

"Hey, hey. You're alright, Kady," someone was murmuring at me as something like a jacket was tossed in my direction. "Let's get you covered up, yeah?"

I looked up and saw Max trying to wrap me in what I now recognized was Stellan's jacket. After I was able to fix my dress back on under the cover of the jacket, he tipped my chin up and gave me a quick, tight smile. "You okay?"

I just nodded, too flustered to figure out exactly how I was feeling at the moment.

But then he stepped aside and I gasped at the sight unfolding in the hallway.

Stellan had one fist clutching William by the front of his shirt and another one driving into his face with savage intent. Sebastian was trying to pull him off while Oliver was trying to drag a hysterical, bloody-nosed William into safety.

"For fuck's sake, Stellan, that's enough," Oliver snapped. "Do you want security in here along with all the press people I invited?"

"So you're just going to let him walk away from assaulting a woman?" Stellan demanded before practically throwing William at Oliver. "What if it was my sister? You'd worry about the press first?"

Oliver's expression hardened instantly, looking like it had been carved from granite. "My point is that maybe the woman, regardless of who she is, wouldn't want this all over the news the next day. No one should take away that choice from her either."

"Bloody hell, Stellan," Sebastian muttered as he handed his friend a white handkerchief. "You looked like you were about to kill him."

Stellan's eyes narrowed at William as he calmly wiped his knuckles clean of blood. Only his hair was slightly out of place. His face had a stony profile, his gaze burning behind his glasses. "I would've succeeded if you hadn't gotten in my way."

Just then, footsteps sounded behind us and we turned to find two men coming into the scene. With the nondescript black suits and earpieces, they looked more like personal protection detail than hotel security guards.

Oliver gestured with a finger against his lips to indicate discretion so they stepped back to bar entrance into the hallway from the lobby and quickly radioed in instructions to restrict traffic to the area.

"You gonna let them get away with this?" William demanded as Oliver hauled him up to his feet. "Having a celebrity guest beaten up on your opening night?"

"How about you let me take care of this piece of shit?" Max asked angrily.

Oliver ignored him and slitted his eyes at William. "I'm perfectly fine with this hotel earning a little street cred. This is Miami, after all. I can do you one worse by getting you thrown in jail for assaulting another guest. Lady's choice."

I was so overwhelmed I didn't realize right away that everyone's turned to me, waiting for an answer.

"How do you want him handled, Kady?" Stellan asked, finally looking my way.

I swallowed hard and glanced at William who was looking daggers at me.

I would love nothing more than to have his ass carted away into jail but I knew there was more at stake here than what I simply wanted. These men were coming to my aid, willing to do more if I found it necessary. Maybe they would do more and better than what others in the past had done for me, but to take this out in the public spot would likely lead to my relationship with Stellan coming out in the open. And I've been through this circus once or twice before. William wouldn't be the only one on the carpet, judged for his actions. I'd be right there with him in the fire and while I might be able to take the heat, standing for what I know is true, it wasn't something I would want to do to Stellan. Whether he gets lightly scalded or burned clean to the bone, I didn't want to risk finding out. I didn't protect him all this time from the fallout of being with me just to let him walk straight into the fire.

"He can leave and never breathe a word of this to anyone," I said in a surprisingly steady voice. "Or I can mess up his nose even more while waiting for the cops to drag him away in handcuffs. I'm sure other women will come forward when I file assault charges against him."

William spat out some blood on the floor. "Yeah, right. Like anyone who knows your reputation would believe a slut like you."

"Stellan, stop—"

Sebastian's warning was cut short by the sound of Stellan's fist connecting with William's face again.

"Jesus Christ," Oliver hissed under his breath before shoving William to one of the security personnel. "Escort this man out of here and permanently ban him from this property. Actually, make it all of my property. Take him through the service elevator just down this hall."

"If anything about this incident makes it to another person outside of this group, we will take you down," Max said in a voice so cold and cutting that I've never heard from him before.

"You can't treat me like this!" William raged, twisting against the hold of now both the security guys. "Don't you know who I am?"

"You're nobody to us," Sebastian countered with a brow perfectly arched in arrogance. "Pond scum, maybe, but even that's too kind."

William wailed all the way down to the service elevator which was right next to the bathroom but as soon as he was gone, the four friends started arguing with each other.

I was rattled, shocked, and in sore need of alcohol.

"I'm gonna go," I suddenly declared, forcing myself to stare back at all four of them. "Thank you for everything but I need to go."

"Do you need medical attention?" Sebastian asked.

"I don't think so," I answered, aware that while I was shaken, I seemed to be in all in one piece.

"You've got a room here?" Oliver asked. "I can get you one if you—"

"No! I mean, yes, I do have a room," I said quickly. "Thank you. But I'm fine. I just need to sit down. And be alone."

"Want me to walk you back?" Max asked gently.

I attempted a smile and failed. "I think I've got it. I've walked away from so much worse than this before."

Someone sucked in a sharp breath and I knew it was Stellan.

I ignored the knot in my stomach and the need to run to him and get wrapped up in his arms. I had to so I could look at him without giving away everything to our captive audience.

"Thank you for stepping in," I said in a slightly choked voice before moving to slide his jacket off. "You should have—"

"Keep it," he interrupted, the bleakness in his eyes quickly being shuttered out of view as he turned away from me, running an agitated hand through his hair. "Let us know if you need anything else."

I just nodded and left.

If I could've run down the lobby without attracting attention, I would've.

As soon as I got into my room, before I could even chuck my shoes and dress off, I downed a third of the whiskey bottle. But even as my hands shook, I carefully laid down Stellan's jacket on the bed, my fingers clutching hard at the shoulders as if it wasn't just an empty garment in front of me. Like he was there, able to take the aggression from me.

I drank more whiskey and then showered again, determined not to feel any trace of William's touch on my skin.

By the time I was dry and dressed in a loose night dress, there was no liquor left in the mini-bar.

Before I could think twice about it, I slipped out into the hallway and into Stellan's room, using the card key he'd slipped under my door before I got here.

I exhaled loudly as I closed the door shut, my forehead leaning against it for a moment because all that rushed sneaking in had made me dizzy. Well, that plus the alcohol I'd consumed with record speed.

After my head cleared as much as it could, I turned around and froze.

Cross-legged on the bed, still wearing the same shirt and jeans, was Stellan, playing a solo game of chess with this small, old and raggedy wooden set he usually brought along on trips. I never played chess until he started teaching me almost two years ago.

"I needed a drink," I said lamely. "I, uh, ran out."

"Maybe you should leave off the alcohol for the rest of the night," Stellan said calmly as he studied the board. "We need to talk."

"Then I definitely need that drink," I grumbled but made no move to approach the bar. Or him.

I just watched him, wondering how this man sitting here so serenely was the same one who'd nearly annihilated William earlier.

Still waters run deep, they say. You never know how hard and fast it can take you under.

"I didn't know you'd be in here," I tried again.

He still didn't look up. Just made another move with a pawn. "Oliver had to go back to handle William's entourage. Max is doing some damage control in case there were witnesses, and Sebastian had enough of yelling at me."

"I'm sorry I dragged all of you into this," I sputtered out, grasping for the right thing to say. There was this suffocating sense of something terrible closing in on us and I was desperate for some breathing room. "I didn't mean for—"

"Are you actually apologizing for needing help because a man was assaulting you?" Stellan asked incredulously, finally swinging his head in my direction. Anger flashed in his eyes—he was nowhere near being done with what happened tonight. "If Oliver hadn't insisted we go down to his office to talk about Malikov—if Max hadn't seen you just as you were being dragged away from the lobby—fucking hell, Kady! Do you know what could've happened to you if no help came?"

"I do know perfectly well because I've been in that exact situation too many times to count," I answered brutally, my own anger flaring at the reminder. "I learned to fight back—to hurt back—to avoid anything that could take me right back into that same dark and deserted corner where some men imagine themselves my fucking lord and master."

Stellan flinched, like my words had been physical blows, and he closed his eyes briefly. "It won't directly solve the problem of predators prowling the world but maybe it would help if you made it obvious that you've been caught. Maybe they'll leave you alone then."

"Sure, because boys don't like to fight over a toy," I retorted. "Just like you and Alexei didn't enjoy yanking me back and forth in your little tug-of-war back there at the bar."

"I'll admit, I didn't like seeing him sidling up to you but I came over because Alexei Malikov isn't someone you should associate with," Stellan bit out. "He's mafia royalty, for God's sake. He's an actual criminal."

"Fine, so he is. He's tainted. You four seemed to know him well enough so spare me the same lecture I've heard other people give about me to some naive soul who made the mistake of saying hi." I pulled away from the door and stalked into the room. "And like I explained earlier, I was just chatting with him to discourage someone else from approaching me—William, specifically."

"Then doesn't the idea of affixing someone permanent in the role have some merit?" Stellan argued, getting off the bed, uncaring if he'd disturbed the placement of the pieces on the board. "Maybe it's time we stop this charade. All this sneaking around and pretending we're nobody to each other. I honestly don't know how you managed to keep a straight face earlier after everything that's happened."

The same way I managed protecting you from the reality of being with me—with a lot of fucking selflessness.

"What do you plan to do every time a man like Alexei or William try something with me?" I asked, finally turning to the bar and pouring myself a drink. "Because encounters like that make up half of my regular life. You're just going to keep breaking bones until no else dares? Good luck, because someone always dares."

Stellan's face darkened. "It's not guaranteed to be the case all the time."

"Just as it's not guaranteed not to be," I snapped back. "It comes with the job. It comes with the history. It comes with the fucking territory of just being me. I don't know how to change it."

My voice broke at the last sentence and I quickly turned around to keep my suddenly tear-stung eyes out of Stellan's view. I drank more.

"Maybe start with what you know you can change," Stellan said after a moment. "Start with the decision to trust someone with your heart. To give yourself a fair shot at what might truly make you happy. To possibly find something else to live for other than the constant battle against a world that will never bend to anyone's will."

His words found a target in me—that crack I guard so closely so no one can cause more damage and lead me to completely fall apart.

Because I would love to do everything you just said, Stellan—except that my happiness usually means the end of someone else's. And I'd jump off a cliff first before that can be you.

Because no one would be happy being with me.

If anyone can, wouldn't I be the first to know?

I'm the one who doesn't have any other choice but to live with the kind of person I am, after all.

And most days, I can't even stand myself.

"You think I haven't been preached all that before, between the half-dozen therapists I've seen and all the well-intentioned folks trying to intervene in my life?" I demanded with a scathing laugh even as scalding tears slid down my cheeks. "There's no letting my guard down, Stellan. As soon as I do—as I had in the past—I'll be promptly treated like I'm no better than a scrap of tissue a man nuts on. One that might get properly disposed of on a good day and not just left on the floor to be kicked under the furniture at some point."

Stellan looked furious as he reached for me. "That's enough, Kady! You are not—"

"Yes, I am!" I burst out, swatting his arm away and holding a hand up to keep him where he was. "That's what my entire existence is reduced to. That's the kind of woman you want to live happily ever after with. The kind of woman you think you won't mind being mother to your children. How fucked up is that?"

My hands fisted uselessly, aching to hurt something until I didn't feel like clawing my heart out anymore. "Do you honestly think you can live with that? Because I can't. Because no matter how much I've fought it, no matter how much distance I've kept, I feel soiled all the way down to my fucking soul."

All the fight seeped out of me and I slid to the floor, shuddering against the bar cabinet as tears flowed unchecked down my face. "Enjoy the goods everyone else wants, Stellan. But you're not required to take the trash home."

I bore my way through all these dark episodes in the past with clenched fists and gritted teeth.

It was the only way I made it through the other side, each time.

But I was exhausted.

Exhausted and defeated because it's starting to become clear that no matter how long I kept at this fight, it's never going to end with what I want.

Because what I want is too good for me.

Stellan got down on his knees in front of me, his arms wrapping around me much like his jacket did earlier.

"I hope, someday, you'll see what I see," he whispered against my hair, saying nothing else for the eternity he held me there on the floor.

When my eyes dried and my soul was tucked away again behind its armored door, I kissed him.

He kissed me back, demanding nothing more, only intent on holding me as if I would literally fall into pieces.

But I wanted more of whatever I can have of him and it wasn't long before my urgency became his. Before it became unbearable for the both of us.

Tangled together in silk sheets, bodies bare and hearts somewhat broken, we owned each other in a way we never could outside of this fevered dream.

"This thing looks like it's seen better days," I said with a smile as I reached across Stellan's chest to place the knight on the chessboard. He'd rescued it and set it on the nightstand just before we literally fell into the bed but some of the pieces were still caught in the sheets. "Maybe I should buy you a new one. A shiny, lightweight set that's actually meant for traveling."

Stellan, with his longer reach, pushed the knight into its exact spot on the board. "My mother gave me this set on my third birthday and taught me how to play. I'd just turned four when I first managed to beat her. She played me like I was an adult and gave no quarter."

"Wow," I said with genuine surprise because Stellan and I usually didn't talk much about our families when we were together. Probably because I always tried to change the topic. "She must've been an extremely intelligent woman."

"She was," he said, his fingers absently toying with my hair. "She was just about to pursue her masters in chemistry when she got pregnant with me. She decided to stay home with Vivienne and I but she was always doing homework and projects with us. Sometimes, she'd even give us extra science projects. Well, mostly me, anyway. Vivienne was still a little too young at that time even though the sensory activities Mom would give her were practically elementary-level chemical reaction experiments."

I laughed because I could imagine it.

Stellan and Vivienne as children, and a woman who had clearly doted on her children.

I thought of something to say about my own mother, something similarly funny, but as most of my childhood memories were of her in various stages of being drunk, doped up, or dependent on the newest man who'd come through the revolving door, I wisely kept my mouth shut.

"Sometimes, I think having us kept her from doing more for herself," Stellan added in a more thoughtful tone. "She could've had a very different life if she hadn't chosen us."

My heart clenched and so did my fingers against the hardness of Stellan's chest.

These words have clearly haunted him before and I know how they could chase you down a dark, endless path.

I wanted to pull him from that. "I don't think we'll ever fully understand why people make the choices they do for those they love but I'm sure, in the end, it's got to have been worth it for them."

I glanced up and saw that he was smiling tenderly at me. "Exactly."

My heart jammed in my chest and I glanced away, tucking my head under his chin.

I wonder if we were even talking about his mother at all.

*****

Ninya's Notes:

Hi everyone! 

Phew, I made it to my weekly deadline. I know it's late on a Friday at most places but this took longer because this is a chapter that I actually wrote entirely within this week, between a full-time job and a toddler at home. LOL. I've already written several chapters in advance but as I was writing a new one, I realized that I needed to write this scene for Stellan and Kady. It builds the foundation of a lot of things that will happen between them down the road. Also, there was so much cropping up in my head for it in terms of scene and dialog that I had no choice but to write it down. If it's rough, forgive me. It's late. I'll fix errors later.

So... it's a pretty long chapter, I know. But I hope you enjoyed having all the CBB men together. I get a lot of questions about timeline and because I've written well into the story, it's obvious to me where this story would land timeline-wise against the other books but I realize that at this point, that's not going to be very clear to everyone. So to clarify, this happens in the middle of the separation between Seb and Cassie, and Oliver and Vivienne. Aiko is nowhere near the picture yet.

I know it's a heavy one but I want to capture what Kady so expertly keeps under wraps behind such a tough exterior. She's been through a lot, yes, and unfortunately, that colors a lot of what she sees when she looks at herself. I hope you understand that and stay with her through her struggle.

The mention of Stellan's mom in the end is a small connection to the prologue, of what his mother had talked to him about. About going for the love you can't live without, even if it scares the both of you. He's holding her in his arms right at that moment.

Alright, I'm out. I'm tired. LOL.

By the way, I've also listened to a lot of Lewis Capaldi while writing this book. I thought this song was perfect for it.

See you next week!

♪♪♪ Chapter Soundtrack: Days Gone Quiet by Lewis Capaldi ♪♪♪

https://youtu.be/GLLDeGoxdTw

Now that we're bleeding
Broken and scarred
Thought we were finished
And yet here we are
Stuck in the same place
Despite what we overcame
Sometimes don't it make you wonder darling
When will it come to an end?

Cause the price we pay
Left a mark that stains
And I don't think I'll ever be the same

We might've kept the black at bay
But all around it still remains
Lord only knows for evermore
What horizons hold for us in store
Looks like there's no way around
But I know I'll try somehow
At least it's all gone quiet for now