"Well, you definitely match my mood," I said to the sky after I got a good look at it this morning.

Early January mornings could get quite chilly here but it was rare for it to look like rain.

But it was my birthday. Maybe that's why.

Most of my life, it had been celebrated through some type of party where people got wasted—first by Cece and her 'friends' when I was still quite young, and then later by me and my crowd once I was old enough to fake-ID my way into bars and other places.

The excitement had already started to wane even before the date became synonymous to Stellan's arrival in my life but it had definitely become the opposite of partying wild and hard in the last two years. If it landed on workday, I would take the rare day off and go surfing—something I usually reserved in the spring and summer. It had the benefit that with the cooler temperatures, I would have the beach all to myself.

Sidney taught me how to surf about two years ago, when I was fresh out of rehab.

I loved how it could disconnect me physically from the world. Out there, deep in the waters, I was but just a speck. It was a delicate dance between surviving and thriving, capturing perfectly how every single day has been since I forced myself down a different path.

I would spend most of the day out on the ocean, not talking to a single soul until I headed over to Carmela's for the small dinner she'd throw for me with my usual crew. It wasn't anything extravagant but my heart was happy and I guess, that's what it ultimately has to come down to.

This year is different though.

For the past two years, the idea of getting well enough and coming back home—coming back to Stellan—had driven me to make it through the worst of my struggles. But it's been many months now since I've been back and the adrenaline that carried me through the lead-up was petering out. The birthday I thought would finally be different from previous years turned out exactly like them.

So yes, today, I felt edgy.

Felt like it for the past week or so, actually.

While things have never been perfect before, for the first time in a long while, I couldn't shake this gnawing feeling.

The lid on that abyss slipping open fractionally.

That unsettling feeling that something was still critically missing at the core.

And it spooked me a little.

Enough that I had to call my new sponsor last night, a week earlier than our regular chat, just to talk it out.

It helped a lot but I had to pay close attention to myself in the next little while. To get help as soon as possible should a crack ever appear.

I had better luck than most recovering alcoholics when it came to avoiding relapses, mostly because my biggest triggers were fully out of the picture. But I couldn't get too comfortable. The path back to ruin was sometimes carved by a thousand small unwitting steps toward it.

I took out a frozen egg muffin and popped it into the microwave as I filled up my Thermos with some coffee. While waiting for breakfast, I flipped my laptop open on the dining table and checked a couple of emails.

Stellan had sent me one late last night, after I'd turned in.

He had a project proposal for me that he wanted to talk about over coffee today, if I had half an hour.

I'd wondered if he remembered my birthday. But then I wondered right after why I thought he wouldn't.

From his email though, it didn't seem like he did.

I sent a quick reply to say we could chat next week since I was off today and heading out of town for the day.

It wasn't really out of town. Saratoga Beach was just half an hour north of the city, with a rugged shoreline that didn't appeal to a beach crowd but had decent swells for nomadic surfers.

I just finished my egg muffin when my phone rang.

"Hey, good morning."

"Good morning, Stellan. It's a bit early for you, isn't it?"

It was around five-thirty in the morning and while he was usually an early riser, he generally slept at least until six.

"A little but Lily has to drive down to Berkeley in half an hour for a two-day conference so I made breakfast while she's doing her hair and some last minute packing. You know, all the stuff she has to use in the morning that she can't pack up early. Like the curling iron and make-up, stuff like that," he answered and I could hear the sizzle of a pan in the background.

My heart clenched at such a domestic scene—one I could imagine so well because I'd lived it countless mornings—that he now shared with someone else.

"If she's traveling a lot, she should build a separate kit just for trips. She can just grab it and go," I said, astounded at how steady and conversational I sounded on the phone, giving Stellan some travel-prep advice to pass on to his girlfriend. "I used to have one along with a fully packed carry-on in my front hall closet when I was still modelling. I still have an emergency bag in my Outback with a change of clothes and all. Whether it's for glamorous or grubby jobs, the concept works."

Stellan laughed. "I'll tell her that. And speaking of trips, where's work taking you that you're heading out of town?"

"It's not work. I, uh, just took the day off. Taking a little day trip."

Stellan paused briefly. "Where are you going?"

If I continued to dodge, it would just seem like I was making a bigger deal out of it so I blurted out, "Just hanging out at the beach outside of the city. Saratoga Beach. Ever been there?"

"Once, I think, a long, long time ago," he answered. "There isn't much to do there."

"Exactly. I'm just going to surf and walk the trails, maybe. Depends on whether the skies clear up. I've got a little cooler picnic and a very respectable playlist."

"You surf? Since when?"

"Since Sidney taught me about two years ago. I'm not too bad."

"Are you going by yourself?"

"No, I'm going with this hot stud I met on this hook-up app last week," I said before I could help myself because I was feeling really moody at the moment and the biggest reason for it was on the other line.

When the call went quiet except for the sound of Stellan's coffee maker, I sighed out loud, shaking my head. "I'm kidding, you know. Did I ever strike you as the type to hook up?"

"Well...." he started, some amusement creeping into his voice that I realized it was exactly how we started out together.

"Okay, not that. But you know what I mean." I didn't really know what I meant with that jumbled answer but I wasn't going to admit to rambling.

I just wanted Stellan to state his business and go back to making Lily Brant breakfast in bed.

"Why are you calling anyway?" I asked not so nicely. I took a deep breath and told myself to just take it easy.

"I call everyday, don't I?" he asked a little uncertainly. It was true. Since he promised around Christmas, he hasn't missed a call since, even if all we had was two minutes to say hi and have a great day. It was both nice and painful. "But I thought I might as well ask you about that proposal I emailed you about. It's something I want to build on my property. It's not your usual project but I think you can do it. You should probably come see the house though, to get a better idea of what I'm thinking of."

In all our time together, I've avoided going to Stellan's place, which was a large, very private property nestled in the foothills of Graybriar Canyon at the northeast boundary of the city where it butted up against the park reserve. It was quite a distance to the city center and when he started dating Rachel, she convinced him to lease the penthouse suite in the shiny new condo building she'd been living at because she didn't want to be too far away from the social scene. Rachel always ranted on and on about his house being a little old-fashioned and rustic and that she would convince him to sell it after they were married so they could get a house right on the beach. Guess now it was up to Lily Brant to decide its fate.

"You're not asking me to renovate your whole house, are you?" I asked.

"No, no. Nothing like that," he said with a chuckle. "It's pretty good the way it is right now but it'll probably need some updates in a few years. I'll deal with it then. I'm thinking of building a pretty large playhouse structure out in the back for when I'm baby-sitting my sisters' kids. Right now, they might be content with just running around but they'll probably want something cool and fun as they get older. Besides, I figured my own children might not mind it too much either."

"Your own children?" The words were out before I could rein them in. I swallowed hard, my chest growing heavy. "Is there some good news you haven't shared yet? When's Lily due?"

Stellan burst out laughing. "No, no! That's not what I meant. I'm just talking in general terms."

"Oh." I felt absurd but not much I could do about it now. "Sorry, I thought..."

"You're jumping way ahead of me here," he said good-naturedly, like he had no idea how that quick, albeit false, assumption, gutted me for a moment.

My relief was short-lived because he distractedly told me to hang on and while I couldn't hear everything clearly, I picked up Lily's voice elegantly greeting him good morning and him murmuring to her to sit down and eat. My insides were quickly turning into acid as I listened to her laugh and thank him and him saying something back before laughing along.

This couldn't have been any worse if I was actually watching them make-out with my own eyes.

Wincing, I put the phone away from my ear just enough to not hear anything else. It wasn't until I heard Stellan loudly repeating my name that I brought the phone back to my ear.

"I thought you hung up on me," he said and I just had the not-so-slight urge to smack him in the head right this second.

"I want to hang up on you, actually, because listening to your very intimate morning routine with Lily is making me want to break something but I know that's not very polite so I'll give you one more minute to conclude this call. We can set up a meeting for next week to talk about your project. Today, I just need to get out of here, okay?"

He was quiet for a long moment that I thought he had hung up on me.

Then I heard him take a deep breath and since I couldn't hear the kitchen or Lily anymore, he must've gone into another room.

"Would you like me to go with you?"

"Go where?"

"To the beach. To surf. Spend the day, whatever you want to do."

"You surf?" I sounded even more disbelieving than he did when he asked me the same question earlier.

"Not as much as I used to with the other guys, when we were growing up. But I still have my board and Max occasionally drags me to go with him."

That actually made sense.

"Well, maybe not today."

"Because you want to spend it alone? It's your birthday."

"You remembered."

"Did you really expect that I'd forgotten?"

"Your priorities might have changed in the last little while."

"Not enough to forget that," he said with a snort. "So, what do you say? Spend it with me?"

I would love nothing more but I was made of carefully taped-together glass. I could take a little knock but I wouldn't stand a chance against repeated battering.

"Aren't you going with Lily?"

"No," he sounded puzzled. "Why would I do that?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Well, for one, I'm not part of her conference. And two, what am I going to do at Berkeley for two days?"

He couldn't see it but I pursed my lips and raised my brows. "You're serious? You're asking me what you could get up to in one of the top universities in the country where they probably have a display case dedicated to you and all your contributions to science?"

He laughed. "It's actually an Invention Lab and it's only because I funded the expansion for it a year and a half ago."

I rolled my eyes. "So maybe go and visit your lab and admire your name on the very shiny plaque I'm sure is in there somewhere."

"I've already seen it and it's not that impressive. I don't miss it at all," he said. "So I don't really have a good reason to go there."

"Wouldn't spending time with Lily be good enough reason?" I asked, not really sure why I was pressing on this when it stung. But the mixed signals I was getting from Stellan were worse than the plain hard truth in some way.

"Of course, it is, but she's going to be busy. She's speaking at two sessions each day," he answered reasonably. "Besides, I've learned over the years that when she's in conference mode, it's best to get out of her way."

"How about the social stuff in the evenings? Wouldn't she need a date?"

Stellan sighed. "Lily gets frustrated sometimes when people approach us and she thinks it's to talk about her work but really, they just want to talk to me. It insults the academic in her. I'm not always the best escort to someone who is determined to aggressively forge a path for herself in the academia."

"That's going to be an interesting future you'll have to sort out together since I don't see either of you giving it up," I muttered.

"Compromise is a critical requirement of relationships," he said. "If you want it badly enough, you have to try, right?"

"Right," I agreed because what else could I say to that?

I exhaled loudly. "Well, whatever you decide to do today, you don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself."

"I didn't say that was why I'd volunteered to go."

I bristled at that. "Well, it's the only reason that's acceptable at the moment so let's go with that."

"Just be honest, Kady."

"Honest? Okay, sure," I said, pushed so very close to my limit. "It sometimes hurts spending time alone with you as friends when I want so much more. Some days, I just can't take it. Is that honest enough?"

He didn't miss a beat. "Yes."

I ran a hand down my face, trying to fight my growing restlessness. "Don't you need to work today? It's Wednesday."

"My work schedule's flexible," he said, completely unconcerned. "I can take the day off."

I started to internally growl because he was clearly not budging. "Go right ahead and spend some quality time with yourself, then. Let's chat next week, okay? I gotta go."

"I'll be home if you change your mind," was all he said before hanging up.

I threw my phone on the couch before letting out a loud, frustrated groan.

Charged with high emotions, I took a few minutes to sit by the window and breathe my way through to a small measure of calm. Then I tried to get myself back into my routine of getting ready. The predictable progression of steps never fail to soothe me. I washed my face, did my skincare and put on some lip balm and tinted moisturizer. I changed into a simple black one-piece and threw on a pair of denim cut-offs and a billowy white tunic. I looked at myself in the mirror for a moment, mentally telling myself that today was a new day and that there was no shame in starting over.

I grabbed my Thermos, my beach bag and my mini-cooler before heading out the door.

Driving usually allowed me to unwind, to work out my emotions, and the ten minutes I've been on the road north has given me some perspective.

It's become clear that things were not sustainable the way they were at the moment.

The fantasy of a life with Stellan was going to stay exactly as that—a fantasy.

And I had to let it go and find something else to anchor me firmly on the road I'm on because I can't run again.

There was so much more to my life now and it was a life I worked hard for, a life that I also owe to the people who'd seen me through my best and worst.

So don't run. Walk back. And re-draw the lines. And find the happiness within their bounds.

I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to fulfill that resolution when I turned off at an exit that headed over to Graybriar Canyon. Seemed like the exact opposite thing to do but maybe, just maybe, the way to forget was to live through the memories one last time.

Stellan's house wasn't easy to find and it was clearly not advertised to be that way considering all I could see from the street was a black wrought-iron gate and a long stretch of ivy-covered brick wall. It was impossible to see into the front yard of the property since large and thick arborvitae trees lined up against that wall. More ancient trees bordered the small section of driveway visible from the gate that there was no way to see any outline of a house on the other side of it. The closest neighbors were about two blocks on each side.

I parked and dialed on my phone.

"I'm outside, if you're still up for it. I can't promise that it won't rain but I'm going to take my chances," I said without preliminaries, knowing I would overthink it if I gave myself the chance. It was a little worrying because I was acting like I would about something that I knew, in the back of my mind, was probably a terrible decision. Like a little sneaky sip of wine to take the edge off. Or the occasional happy pill when the blues hit too hard. Stellan himself may not be bad for me but the torture of having him so close but also too far would prove damaging.

It took a split-second for Stellan to speak. "Right. Give me five minutes to grab my stuff. Would you like to come in? See the house now before we go?"

"No, I want to get to the beach before it rains," I said. "I'll wait out here."

As the five minutes came up, I spotted Stellan walking down the driveway. It seemed like he'd been sure I was going come by because he looked pretty ready for someone who only had five minutes. He was in casual navy shorts, a white undershirt and light chambray shirt. He had a faded blue baseball cap on, a small duffel bag over one shoulder and a light gray surfboard tucked under one arm.

My heart sped up, my legs feeling a little weak at the sight of him.

I wanted nothing more, in that moment, than to jump out of my car and run to him. I wanted to have him laugh and pick me up like I didn't weigh a ton, and kiss me hard as I wrapped arms and legs around him.

"You're just a fucking glutton for punishment, aren't you?" I muttered under my breath before stepping out to help him strap his surfboard next to mine on the roof rack.

"Good morning," he said once we were done, turning to me with a crooked smile. "Happy birthday."

I couldn't help but smile back. "Thank you. You ready?"

It was going to be a little slower but I couldn't resist taking the scenic route to Saratoga Beach. The drive was surprisingly easy and quiet with muted conversation. Music was playing and Stellan hasn't run out of general trivia about everything we've seen so far. He didn't say anything about my outburst earlier and I was fine putting it out of my mind for now.

As much as the situation with Stellan twisted my emotions into knots, I craved this time with him.

By the time we got there though, about forty minutes later since we'd taken minor highways, parked in a spot near a low cliff-face with just enough of a view down to the beach, the dark-bellied clouds let loose their rain. The rain wasn't too hard but it was enough to drench and chill anyone down to the marrow. It also meant no surfing. Rain could bring a lot of urban water runoff to the ocean—gross stuff—and that usually meant higher risk of catching something. You had to let the water sort itself out for a couple days before wading in for an extended period of time.

"Looking at the weather radar, we should be okay once this system moves out in about fifteen to twenty minutes," Stellan said as he looked at his phone. "There's nothing behind it. It's just slow-moving."

"That puts a damper on the one day I really wanted to surf," I grumbled as I turned off the car and reclined my seat. Stellan caught my pun and raised a brow in amusement. "I guess we'll have to turn back around once the rain's passed. I just don't want to drive in it right now."

I actually just wanted to step out of the car and scream at the ocean because honestly, couldn't I even have this one fucking day with him, but I couldn't do that so I just sulked.

"We can walk the trails after," he suggested, crossing his hands behind his head.

"Yeah, 'coz wet sand is really ideal for a nice enjoyable stroll. It's probably still going to be chilly too." I sighed and took out a fresh turquoise beach towel I'd brought. I wrapped it around me and tucked it under my chin.

"Pardon another weather pun but you're really just a ray of sunshine today," Stellan scoffed softly.

I watched him looking out through the side window, his profile so familiar, so comforting, it made my heart ache.

I know he wants to understand. To say and do the right thing. And that he sometimes doesn't, and that's alright. Despite my own twisted emotions at the moment, I wanted him to know that it's sometimes not even about him at all.

"I might have seemed like I had it all together in the handful of times we've seen each other since I got back but that's not my daily reality," I said quietly. "Some days are tough and I feel the pull of that temporary escape. And I have to fight that—sometimes kicking and screaming, sometimes with no more than a prayer, sometimes with actual intervention. Recovery is a very long, cautious walk along a sometimes deceptively safe road. And sometimes that journey takes you your entire life."

Stellan turned toward me, his eyes troubled. "I'm sorry. I don't always..." He stopped as if to restructure what he was trying to say, his hand rubbing his jaw in agitation. "I know many things but what you've gone through, what you're still going through, is not something I can ever fully comprehend. It's easy to look in from the outside and make some reasonable deductions as to what someone might need but I understand that that place inside our head wields a certain power that can't be easily measured or systematically controlled."

I smiled a little. "Have you ever taken a peek inside that place, Stellan, in all your life? Have you ever heard or felt its pull?"

He exhaled slowly, looking into the distance with a frown. "When you left, I, uh... I was in a lot of pain. I'm not a stranger to loss but what I felt was different. It was so acute. The pain felt almost physical. I felt like I failed after doing my best to give you time, to give you space, to give you every reason to trust in us."

I didn't expect raw honesty in return for that half-teasing question but his every word, his every sentence was a shot straight into my heart. I opened my mouth to breathe against the onslaught but he was nowhere near being done. Like he'd told me before, pain was going to demand its due.

"I was angry, too," he continued in a voice so soft against the blade of that lingering emotion. "Partly at you, for not even wanting to fight for us. I was angry at myself, too. Probably for expecting too much when you've always told me exactly how things were going to go if we took it too far. I was angry at people I didn't even have access to for some past action they'd done that ultimately led to everything falling apart."

I wanted to reach out and hold his hand. To hold him and take everything that was pouring out of him and contain it inside me, to never let it touch him again. But I stayed my hand and it felt useless, clenching and unclenching against my instincts.

"I tried to reason my way through everything I felt. I tried to be objective but it's practically impossible when you're so deep in the muck and it's just easier to blame everyone and everything." Stellan smirked with absolutely no humor before shaking his head gently. "I needed time to sort through all of that. I went away for a while. Stayed at Whitewood for a few weeks. Kept myself busy with work. Travelled even when I didn't need to. I think the worst part of it all was that I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Because no one knew—maybe other than Winslow but then he didn't even really know all of it. I couldn't tell my family or friends because it meant telling them about you and I... I didn't want them to only know the bad parts. And the good parts were too painful to go back to at that time."

I dashed my tears back but they were coming down too fast. "I really did a number on us both, haven't I? I was too caught up in my own suffering and my seemingly noble attempt at protecting you that I didn't really think of how you were handling the pain that came with it. What if you weren't able to leave that place in your head, Stellan? What if it broke you beyond repair?"

He took a deep, shaky breath and gave me a faint smile. "I don't know what would've happened, to be honest. I didn't really think about that. I just tried as best as I could to pull through. Maybe because I know what the other side is like. I think that's an important difference in how we coped, Kady. Where we end up and how we get there depend critically on where we start."

"I'm sorry. I think I'm going to spend the rest of my life asking for your forgiveness," I said when my tears finally abated. I tried to smile back but it was tough. "I hurt you so much that I feel like that's still not even really long enough."

"I hope to God that's not how we spend our lives together," he said and I bit my lip when something completely different came to mind at what he said.

He glanced at me, caught my expression and just shook his head. "You know what I mean."

I know what my heart wanted him to mean but my head's telling me differently. "Thank you for telling me, though. I know it's not easy but it helps to get it out. It frees up a little bit more room in your heart for something better. And while it's hard for me to hear, it still helps me remember why I'm trying to do better. It helps me stay on track."

"I know now how pain can be so isolating," he said. "And that isolation can be dangerous. If you can't go to anyone else, I want you to remember that I'm here, too."

"You are but you've also got someone else with you, Stellan, and that's a line I need to stay well behind of," I admitted, my chest loosening at being able to say that out loud. Reality isn't always ideal but it keeps me grounded. It helps me make sense of the world when things start getting twisted. "For the sake of my sanity, and yours and Lily's future."

Stellan's forehead pleated into a frown. "Listen, about Lily..."

I held my hands up to stop him. "It's okay, Stellan. We don't have to discuss it. Your relationship is your own business. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was interrogating you earlier. You don't owe me explanations."

"I don't mind talking about it."

I laughed weakly. "Well, I do—sometimes. I'm truly happy that you have someone but it doesn't always mean it's easy for me to listen to you talk about it."

Stellan opened his mouth, as if to press a point, but he studied my face for a moment before sighing out loud.

"Alright, we can talk about it later," he said, slumping back in his seat. "It's your birthday, after all. How else can we turn this day around so it's not a total write-off?"

I know I just talked about not crossing lines—and I wasn't planning on crossing any—but it was my birthday and he was already here with me.

I was going to make the best of things in this moment and be grateful for the chance. It might be the last I'll have of him before I step back to a healthier emotional distance after today. It might not have been what we thought we could have when we decided to be friends after I returned but it's what's necessary to let each other try to rebuild our lives. It saddened me, thinking of the things I will miss again, but I will be happier, eventually, with the knowledge that he's gotten every good thing he deserves in this life.

"How about going for that walk you mentioned?" I asked with a smile. "The trails are not all sand."

"You're right. Where there's no sand, there are piles of rocks," Stellan told me about half an hour later after we ventured out of the car once we had a snack and the rain had stopped. We were standing in the middle of a winding path up the side of the jagged coastline, our sandals full of wet sand and unsteadily tiptoeing around small rocks.

A swift wind blew past, catching the hem of my loose and flowing tunic like a sail and knocking me back a few slippery steps.

I shrieked out a startled, horrified laugh just as Stellan caught me by the arms and pulled me back against him. "Jesus, Kady. Are you alright?"

"Well, I'm not a heap of broken bones twenty-feet down so we can call that a win, I guess," I answered as I moved to safer ground about a couple of feet away from the sloped edge.

His hold tightened on me as he glanced around our immediate landscape. "I think we're done with this hike.This really isn't a great idea."

Heart pounding, I grinned, aware that he hasn't released me. "It's not but we don't usually have a lot of those."

The stiff wind that continued to swirl around us still held a chill and I shivered.

Stellan's hands automatically went up and down to stroke my arms, his touch so familiar and comforting that I almost closed my eyes and sank against him.

The world around us was still tumultuous in the aftermath of a fleeting downpour but a different storm was building beneath the surface, like it always has between us.

It was in the way he pulled me closer against him, pressing his warmth against my trembling body, his hands sliding down my arms to settle on my hips. I stared at my fingers resting against his chest, trying to decide if they should push him away or clutch him closer to me. I lifted my eyes to him, almost as if I'd been sure I'd find the answer in them, and found that his face was angled down, his mouth a whispered kiss away from mine.

Dark eyes, fierce in their intensity, burned into mine.

The hunger and yearning were stark on his face as his gaze moved from my eyes to my mouth, his own parting slightly with a harsh breath.

My body was igniting to answer his call, the fire in my veins chasing away the chill of our suspended reality as we stood there by a steep, rocky trail.

"Kady, please," he murmured in a taut voice, his fingers digging into my hips.

It took everything in me to do no more than lift my hands to touch his face, look in his eyes and shake my head.

"We have to get away from the edge before we fall, Stellan," I said. Only after the words came out did I realize we were standing at the brink of more than one precarious situation. "This is not how the rest of the story goes."

His jaw clenched with the effort but finally he nodded, his hair falling over his forehead as he glanced away, hiding his gaze from me.

He lifted his hands away from me, with one barely settling on the small back as he guided us down the path. We said nothing else as we made our way back to even ground.

When we got back to into the car, I didn't even ask. I just started the engine and made our way back to the highway.

This intense push and pull that kept rearing its stubborn head all day between us was palpable and even though I understood why it was there, I hated it. Because this wasn't usually how it was between us, whether we're 'together' or not. It's not the first time we had to fight against and navigate around our very obvious attraction to each other but it's the first time that we're so acutely aware of the fact that this was a make-or-break scenario.

The fallout, if we hurt each other again, was going to determine whether we can ever be in each other's lives at all. And I wanted to be there, even if it was just in his periphery, the same safe distance that seemed destined to be my forever place in his life.

And in that moment, the sense of peace that's evaded me lately returned.

I glanced at Stellan's profile and smiled. A little sadly, maybe, but it came with a measure of acceptance.

I knew, deep inside, that I could live with just a small, distant piece of Stellan, and be genuinely happy with it.

Like I did for two years before I came home.

Like I am when I wake up to glorious sunshine because even though the sun was nowhere within my reach, its existence was enough to literally brighten my world.

Stellan's always been that sun.

Always there behind the storm clouds, or in the darkest nights where nothing but the hope of morning got me through the nightmares.

I was going to take that and continue to thrive.

To grow in the light even within just the fringes of his reach.

"There's a literal burger shack just off the side of the highway if we take 116 instead of the backroad," I said gamely. "I know it's a bit early for lunch but it has the messiest but tastiest mushroom melt burger on the planet. The milkshake is obscenely thick as well. Want to stop for a bite?"

Stellan must've seen something different on my expression because he grinned, the somberness clearing from his gaze. "You had me at messiest. Yes, let's live wild for today and go for it."

I laughed and gave the gas a little pep. Not even five minutes later, Olympia's Dining came into view, looking like a set for a 1950s film about murder at a truckstop. There was an old, single-pump gas station out front next to the towering neon sign that just said Gas & Food, its colors garish even in the daylight. Behind it, set against the foothills of the coastline cliffs, was a squat, weathered white building with the restaurant name written in large, bold red script on its side. There was a total of three cars and a handful of ten-wheelers out on the parking lot.

"I'm assuming you've been to this place before?" Stellan asked, glancing around after I pulled up into a spot directly in front of the restaurant. "You can vouch for it?"

I couldn't resist a snicker. "Relax, Stellan. No one's going to rob us blind and leave us for dead here. Well, unless you consider the price of some of their off-the-menu specials. They can be pricey. And sometimes, they come with a side of a gastroenteritis."

He looked at me with a slightly horrified expression and I just burst out laughing.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's perfectly safe and the staff is friendly," I said, smacking him on the arm. "I usually stop by here if I have time. So far, my stomach's held up. Come on!"

The inside was just as post-card charming as the outside. A fresh coat of paint wouldn't be a bad idea but so much of the place was original and I just loved it.

A few heads popped up at our entrance and I tightened wrapped my arms more tightly around me even though I knew it wasn't going to do much. My legs were still on display and they've been called lethal before.

When someone somewhere in the restaurant whistled, Stellan slid an arm around my waist, pulling me closer against him.

I didn't look at him as I gave a small jab to his side and he just bent his head to my ear as if he was about to kiss my temple.

"I know it's not my place but can you just go with it this one time?" he murmured, his voice dropping even lower than normal. "I want us to eat in peace."

Not that appearing to be taken has always worked a hundred percent—and I've tried pulling it off with Jamie before and he's pretty intimidating—but I didn't really want to debate the topic with Stellan. Besides, not gonna lie, it felt nice having his arm around me, even if it's just for show.

I took a deep breath, spared no one else a look before smiling broadly at the waitress who came over to seat us.

We took the farthest back booth, away from everyone else, and ordered a ridiculous amount of food.

We ate our hearts out, not once mentioning Lily or any other touchy subjects, and I was incredibly happy throughout it all.

Even with his mouth full of food, Stellan hadn't once stopped smiling, his warm brown eyes bright with humor.

"I don't think I can get up," I moaned dramatically after I set down my half-finished milkshake.

"Well, what's coming over here isn't going to help but we can't pass it up," he said just as I glanced over and saw our waitress carrying an oversized red velvet cupcake with a skinny candle staked right on top of its fluffy cream cheese icing. I don't know how he conspired with the restaurant staff—probably when he excused himself to go to the bathroom after we ordered—but there was no escape for me.

"Oh, my God... why?" I asked him in mortification just as he started singing along with the waitress who was heartily belting out the Happy Birthday song.

I sat there, red-faced, semi-scandalized, as the rest of the diners joined in, finishing the song with a loud round of applause and yelled-out greetings.

"Make a wish then blow your candle," Stellan urged me, not the least repentant about what he just put me through.

I wish that we're always happy together like this.

It was a futile wish but it was exactly the kind of thing that will only ever happen through the whims of fate so I indulged in it, grinning at him before rolling my eyes and exaggerating my blowing of the candle.

We finished what we could of our meal and maybe had a bite each of the cupcake before our waitress kindly packed the rest of it up for us.

"I think I'll fall asleep behind the wheel at this rate," I told him when we made it back to the car. "Not too far from here is an old fishing pier. It's a good stretch and usually pretty quiet since they opened a newer and bigger one on an adjacent beach. Not much to do there but we can walk off lunch."

"Will you make it there before drifting off or should I drive?"

I beamed at him. "You drive! I'll give you directions. And I'll try to make them concise as you prefer."

Stellan just raised a brow at my reference to one of his usual complaints when he had to drive us somewhere before. "Really? You'll actually try it for the first time?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll do my best." I stuck my tongue out at him and slipped into the passenger seat.

Ten minutes and a good deal of argumentative navigation later, we arrived at the pier. The structure was weathered but still in good shape. There were a few teenagers skateboarding around the parking lot of the closed down fishing shop but they barely paid us any attention. I'd taken my digital SLR with me and started snapping photos of the vast expanse of ocean in front of us.

The sun had broken through the clouds while we were eating and it now shimmered against the blue-gray waters.

When we got to the end of the pier, we leaned against the railing, soaking in the moment in comfortable silence.

I took more photos before aiming my camera at Stellan.

Even with a baseball cap on, he still had the most arresting profile to me—the chiseled features of a Greek god with such a noble bearing and an even nobler light in his eyes.

"May I?" he asked after letting me take a few snapshots of him, his hand extended toward my camera.

I thought he wanted to look at the shots so I gave it to him but instead, he flipped up the display screen, twisted around to lean back against the railing and held the camera high up enough to fit both of us in the frame.

I huddled a little closer to him, looking up and over my shoulder and grinning at the camera.

It was silly and probably inappropriate but I let him take a few shots.

He was smiling as he flipped through them. "Can you send me these? We never had a photo together before."

"I'll see what I can do." I swallowed hard against the lump on my throat and tried for a cheerful tone. When we first got together, I established the rule that we should never take photos of each other or together to keep so that we left no incriminating evidence around. I had stolen a few of Stellan when he hadn't been looking, because I was unfair like that, but he stuck to his very reluctantly-given agreement because, well, he was honorable like that. He kept trying to change my mind and eventually just gave up on it.

I haven't decided yet if I was going to keep these new photos. I'm not sure if I had the strength to hang on to them, or the heart to erase them forever.

"I think we should've done more of this before," he said as he turned back to look out to the water. "I mean, I don't regret the way we'd spent most of our time together back then. So much of it was passionate and unforgettable but it was also... all-consuming. It didn't leave much room for... this."

"What do you mean by this?"

"Just spending time together, doing normal things. Being content with no more than a quiet walk together. Or eating at a ridiculous restaurant somewhere," he said with a light shrug before smiling crookedly at me. "You know... Being a couple. Not just coupling."

My face warmed at that last word but also at the image of all the 'couple' things we could've done before had I not fought him on every idea he'd suggested. I really was the author of our own not-so-happily-ever-after, making decisions for both of us based on the only kind of storyline I knew then—the kind that's doomed long before it could even begin. And so we lived out that prophecy.

"There are lots of things I'd do differently if I could," I said softly. "Not just with you but with my entire life."

He bumped his arm against mine gently. "I think you're already doing that, Kady."

It was over an hour later when we made it back to the car.

It was early afternoon and I should be getting back to my condo to wash up and get ready so I could pick up a charcuterie kit from a local shop to bring to dinner at Carmela's. She always tells me not to bring anything to my own birthday dinner but it's never stopped me.

As we drove back towards the city, I debated internally.

I still knew how this day would end but couldn't I let us live this alternate reality for just a few more hours?

Because maybe, just maybe, this birthday might turn out differently after all.

*****

Ninya's Notes:

Hi everyone!

Hope you're all having a good week. 

I know, last week, lots of people were asking to be put out of their misery trying to guess what's going on. Well, not that much more enlightenment this week but I hope you did enjoy this chapter. 

A lot of their scenes together lately have been very small moments, lots of conversations and admissions that hopefully shed some light to some of what they'd gone through during their separation, and the issues that are still there. Because obviously, even with Kady back, things are not perfect and they're not living out a happily-ever-after. I didn't want to be cavalier and gloss over the friction between people who want different things and are in different circumstances despite the forces pretty much yanking them together. All the things they couldn't confront or deal with together as a couple before will have to sorted out before they can really go down a healthy path.

Anyway, stay tuned next week for the rest of Kady's birthday. I know, I'm breaking your heart for ending where I did but anticipation isn't always a bad thing. I mean, look at Stellan and Kady. They've taken forever at this point, LOL.

I'm writing Chapter 23 right now and I think we might have a few more before we're done telling this story. So hang tight!

XOXO,

Ninya

PS. I thought this song was perfect for the chapter, with the setting and the type of conversations they had in these scenes. Of course, the song would be from Kady's perspective. One big parallel between this story and Virtue & Vice is this 'redemption' phase, where it's years later and one of them is trying to fix things and win the other person back. What I liked the most about this story is the reversal of roles and how Kady is on the other end of this struggle. I love how she's turned so much around, and how she's still trying to make the right decision despite how much it hurts.

♪♪♪ Chapter Soundtrack: Coney Island by Taylor Swift ft. The National ♪♪♪

https://youtu.be/c_p_TBaHvos

Break my soul in two
Looking for you but you're right here
If I can't relate to you anymore
Then who am I related to?
And if this is the long haul
How'd we get here so soon?
Did I close my fist around something delicate?
Did I shatter you?

And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go?
The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go
Sorry for not making you my centerfold

Over and over
Lost again with no surprises
Disappointments, close your eyes
And it gets colder and colder
When the sun goes down

The question pounds my head
"What's a lifetime of achievement?"
If I pushed you to the edge
But you were too polite to leave me
And do you miss the rogue
Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there?
Will you forgive my soul
When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care?
'Cause we were like the mall before the Internet
It was the one place to be
The mischief, the gift wrapped suburban dreams
Sorry for not winning you an arcade ring

Over and over
Lost again with no surprises
Disappointments, close your eyes
And it gets colder and colder
When the sun goes down

Were you waiting at our old spot
In the tree line by the gold clock
Did I leave you hanging every single day?
Were you standing in the hallway
With a big cake, happy birthday
Did I paint your bluest skies the darkest gray?
A universe away
And when I got into the accident
The sight that flashed before me was your face
But when I walked up to the podium
I think that I forgot to say your name

I'm on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go?
The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go
Sorry for not making you my centerfold
Over and over