— 4 years later —

Friday, December 20, 2024.

5 pm.

I check my phone to make sure I haven't forgotten anything for the birthday of my baby girl, shopping while listening to some music. I push the shopping cart and look up on my right to see if the toy I want to buy is here, but only fall upon an empty where there should have been the gift.

Goddammit.

I heave a sigh but try to know where else I could find it. Perfect, this is available in another store that I think is nearby. I answer the text my father sent me and lock my phone to head to the checkout. I feel relieved to see no long line is going to make me wait, I hurry to go through an empty checkout and place all my items on the conveyor belt.

This doesn't take me too long before paying for my stuff and putting them back in my bag, then I leave this shop and walk through the mall to head to the exit, seeing the crowd of people who are out to shop at this time of the year, with joy and sparkles in their eyes.

Finally reaching the doors, I push them and get out, the first snow of the year covering the ground abundantly and comforting me about the fact that the coldness of this day just shivered me to the bone. I grip my bag and tuck my other hand in a pocket of my coat to seek for some warmth. I proceed to my car, the snow cracking under my each of my footsteps. I unlock the doors and get inside in short seconds to close the door behind me and finally escape this freezing cold.

Now I just need to drive to that other mall which I skipped when it's close to my house, only because I thought I would find it there.

•••

5:30 pm.

Now in possession of the gift I'm soon going to give to my baby, I breathe out with relief and relax while looking for a coffee shop. A warm drink would do me the best au the moment, I was too anxious about going back home without anything.

I stop in front of a restaurant that looks cozy with the fairy lights decorating it. At the smell of hot chocolate and pastries, I don't hesitate, I walk inside and get closer to the checkout. I fix my glasses on the bridge of my nose and read what's spam on the board.

This is odd to say, but this smells like Christmas, everything feels warm, everything seems happier and more enjoyable. My eyes stop once I want what is on the list. A hot chocolate, with a croissant. Best thing ever.

I move forth when the person before me goes away, and I order, take my phone out and pay. In a short minute, the man comes back with my order and hands it to me, so I grab it and thank him to turn around and pick an empty table where I could enjoy my snack.

This is sheer gluttony, but I don't care.

I put my bag down on the floor and get comfortable on my seat, I take my coat off to not stain it and fix the collar of my black, turtle neck top. I taste the warm chocolate but as soon as the sweetness of it hits my taste buds, a smile curves my lips up because of the memories this brings back. I haven't drunk this in Korea for so many years, this feels different from when I was in America. I'm so happy to be back here.

As too many images and sensations are reappearing, I grab the croissant and dip it into the drink to eat, paying some attention to the Christmas songs playing at a low volume in the background.

The milky liquid gradually leaving my warm cup for my mouth, I take one more bite of my snack and gaze up at the people present here, dining with their lover, their family, maybe their crush. As the pain of my loneliness is growing inside of me, my focus lands on one person, alone at a table, with a baby in her arms. I swallow what is left in my mouth, but my heart barely keeps on beating, its rhythm slows down, almost stops, but hardens as I cannot take my eyes off of her.

I must be dreaming, this cannot be real. Not after only a few weeks back in this country that I missed so much. An unexpected wave of emotions overwhelms me. Her smile, her eyes, her lips, I cannot be mistaking, there's no way I wouldn't recognize her, she's the one.

I put the rest of my snack down on the table but halt myself, not knowing what to do. Is it inappropriate for me to do such a thing after all those years spent apart from each other because of me? Would she even recognize me, remember me? She has a baby now, I need to show her how happy I am to see her again and know she built a family.

I gather up all my courage and rise from my chair to walk up to her with quiet, insecure steps. With only some centimeters separating us, some sudden heat spreads through my body, but I still do it, I reduce this distance between us to make it short like it hasn't been in years.

"Y/n...?" I pronounce the name I missed hearing and saying. This feels and sounds weird, as if what we've been through together was just a dream, a fiction. Her eyes raise up, and they meet mine, her facial expression drastically changes, and we get into eye contact. My heart is rushing, pounding me in the chest, reverberating through my entire body, I've haven't felt this sensation for so long that it's nearly unknown to me.

We do not say a word, we both stare at each other, dumbfounded. Once her eyes catch some glisten, she blinks and drops her gaze on my lips, but I speak for her. "Do you...remember me...?" the question faintly slips out.

We spent four years away from each other without ever talking except to wish each other a happy birthday. Either because it was awkward, difficult, or painful. So she might not like to see me.

Some relief reduces my anxiousness once a smile forms on her face, and my heart beats faster. I missed this smile so much. "How could I forget you, Jungkook...?" my name leaving her mouth causes real nostalgia, many flashbacks in my head. I smile back at her but lay my eyes on the baby boy, who's staring at me. "Is he...yours?"

She shakes her head, and I hide my happiness that I shamefully feel inside. "He's my best friend's, but he's working, and no one is there to take care of his son, so I do it for him."

"Oh...I was about to congratulate you..." I laugh in a soft and quiet manner, almost an awkward one. This is obviously not like before between us, this will maybe never be again. "No, not yet," she chuckles but gazes at me. "You can sit down if you want," she invites me to join her, so I do it without thinking twice, I move back to my stuff and grab everything to sit at her table and share some time with her.

Once I sit down, we both smile at each other, not knowing how to react or what to say. She plays with the baby's hands and entertains him as we can barely take our eyes off of each other. I can barely figure out whether the feeling inside me is made of pain or joy, I don't know anymore.

"So...how's life going...?" I try to initiate a conversation. If she's still the girl I used to know, she will be shy at first. "It's...going..." she shrugs, glancing away. "I guess...What about you?"

"Well, I'm more successful than in the past...I work as a CEO in a well-known company in Gangnam, and I own a lot of...things...nothing much..." I try not to say more since I don't want to sound like I'm bragging about it, but she grins. "Great...I'm happy for you. You deserve it."

"Thank you," I answer without thinking as she does. I lick my lips but drop my eyes down on the baby, feeling nervous in front of her. "When did you come back from America?" she asks me, not letting the silence remain as if she wanted to know more about me, when I'm the one who provoked this. "Some weeks ago only, this feels weird honestly, people around me only speak Korean," I chuckle, fiddling with my cup.

"Ah, I have to say that you have a little accent. I don't know if that makes sense," her bright features paint all the memories of us as if we never left one another. "Really? To be honest, I sometimes speak English without even realizing it."

She giggles but takes hold of the bag of small cookies laying on the table to open it and feed the little boy. "What about you? Did you get your diploma?" I remind myself of this since I didn't forget about it, either what she wanted to do.

"I did, I'm still learning IT, but now I'm working in an office because I always loved paperwork..." her words sound familiar to my ear. "Ah, does that mean I could hire you?" I try to make it soft and not too straightforward, but she shows an amused reaction to it. "You could, but I'll feel some pressure since I will try to be your best employee."

"I wouldn't hire you as an employee, I would let you be a boss, you would deserve a high position," I state and think about it seriously. She maybe thinks that I'm joking, but that would make me happy to pay her well and see her success in life as well. "Hm...I wouldn't say no," her cute giggles melt me, and the tension finally disappears. "I'll gladly hire you as a boss. That would make me happy, sincerely."

She expresses some shyness and smiles without replying. I drink some of my chocolate since it's cooling down, and I est the rest of my croissant.

"Have you done some more sport? You are more muscular than before..." she notices my figure. "I...yeah," I pass my tongue over my warm lips but smile at her. "I went a lot to the gym the past years, that was the only way for me to release my stress and change a bit."

"Hm..." she peeks down at my body but quickly lays her attention on the baby. "Does it look ugly? You like the old me more?" I dare to ask, feeling right after this was said that I should maybe have kept it to myself. "No, you're always pretty no matter what. I just noticed how tougher you are. Your hands and arms are...scarier as well with those tattoos..." she softly titters in an adorable way, making me do so uncontrollably. "As long as I'm still good, that's fine then."

She breaks the eye contact that didn't last long as a ringtone resounded. She grabs her phone and picks up a call.

I stare at her but catch sight of some red around her wrist. This is the bracelet she bought when I was about to leave Korea, I can't believe she's still wearing it after all those years. I thought I was the only one to still wear it, I was never able to take it off.

She hangs up after chatting with someone, and she gazes at me, moving as if she was about to go. "I need to leave, my best friend ended his day earlier today," she smiles but stands up and sits the baby on the seat, making me feel a bit saddened. "Oh...all right. I'm going to leave too then...I was planning to do it after my snack anyway..." I stand up and grab my coat to put it back on as she's dressing the baby boy who's oddly very calm with her. I place my bag on the chair before going anywhere, waiting for her.

"How old is he?" I curiously ask to know. "He's three months old, a tiny baby," she puts the beanie on his head, but he smiles at her and stretches his arms out to get her attention, so she closes her coat and picks him up. This feels weird to see her act as a mother would, she was so baby-like when we were together, she seems to have lost this joyful and crazy side.

A cute, little noise escaping the boy's mouth, she smiles as he just rested his head on her chest, but I help her to grab her shoulder bag and carry it. "We can go," she peeks at me with a soft gaze, and I take hold of my bag to get on the way with her and leave this giant mall.

"Is it okay with the baby in your arms?" I never stop talking to her, missing all our interactions and discussions. "It's fine at the beginning but after some minutes, I start to feel the strain in my arms," she carries him with both of her arms while walking at a slow pace. "Do you want me to hold him?" I propose to do.

"He might cry in the muscular man's arms," she teases me, giving me a playful look but glancing away with a subtle smile upon her face. "I'm muscular but gentle with kids and women, you know it," I hide my free hand in my pocket, nervously, feeling some sensations under my ribs after saying those words. I open the door to let her go out first, and she turns towards me now that we're in the cold. "Here," she does it.

She brings the baby to my body, so I take him in my arms with delicacy, the fragility of this small human already engendering some emotions I cannot control.  Holding a baby in my arms is one of the most precious things, especially is that was mine, I would almost cry for the first time holding them.

"See," I smile at her but make sure the little boy is feeling warm against me. "He's not scared, and he's even taller because of me," I move forth with her. "Already making fun of me...old man..." the past doesn't seem so far away anymore, those simple but meaningful words reminding me of us. I chuckle but hold back from pinching her waist or anything like that. I cannot touch her, she must have a man, or not feel comfortable with my touch anymore. "And now you're even older, thirty-seven, hm," she doesn't stop but shows me she hasn't changed, she's still the one I fell in love with back then.

"You're always mean with me, I can't believe it," I pretend to be offended and look down at the snow to move carefully since it's a bit slippery, but I hear her soft giggles and feel her give me a small nudge on the arm. "I'm joking, don't be mad," she walks by my side as we're skirting the cars in this parking lot but being near the houses. I smile at her but hold the baby with my right arm to take a peek behind us as the sound of a vehicle grasped my attention.

As soon as I see that a car is going in the same direction as we are but that y/n is not stepping aside, I place my hand over her waist and drift her in front of me to make sure she's safe. "Stay away from their path, it's dangerous," I take my hand off of her, and she listens.

Once the vehicle has passed by us, y/n walks up to a car and uses a key, but the baby who is still very calm in my arms play with the collar of my turtle neck, getting my heart to go insane with softness. "Do you have a car...?" I express my astonishment, surprised by it, and she nods to me. "Yes, I do. I'm a big girl now."

She's so cute.

"But my car is probably trash compared to yours, Mister CEO," she never ceases joshing me. I smirk without willing to but stand by her side, I lick my lips to hide my amusement and look down into her eyes. She opens one of the back doors and gets the seat ready for the baby.

Meanwhile, I lay my eyes on him and try to get his attention. I pass my thumb over his chubby cheek as his fingers are still toying with my clothing, but he raises his big eyes up to me and puts a smile on my face, momentarily. "Aw, your little nose is all red, sweetheart...Are you cold...?" I brush my finger over it, but he blinks for a longer second and laughs, unconsciously making me do so. I repeat it again to see if this small touch is what he found funny, but his reaction is the same, getting me to giggle like an idiot.

"Do you have a child?" y/n takes me out of my daydream as I was playing with him, and I gaze at her. "No...I wish I had though..." I do not hide the painful truth, and I put this baby on his seat despite my will to hold him for a little longer. "He's cute, isn't he? And he's really a calm baby, that's even better," she takes the upper hand and fastens the belt around him. "Are you busy today?" she asks me.