Dear Dad,

It's Christmas, as you can tell by the date at the top of this page. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. I don't know what you're doing or who you're doing it with, but I hope that you're having a good holiday. Maybe you've got another family now? New and improved? I don't know. Maybe you're homeless, getting drunk and looking for clovers in the snow. Either way, I kind of wish that you were here because nobody else is. I mean, my friends are here. But Mom is still gone to I-don't-know-where and Nathan... I don't know where he is but he's not here. And I know that if you hadn't run away from me so long ago that you'd be here today, because you always loved Christmas. I remember you dressing up as Santa for me and Nathan and eating the cookies that we'd baked.

I also remember watching you walk out the front door forever, because the Christmas after that was the year that I realized that Santa doesn't exist, which is traumatizing for a kid, by the way.

Christmas was so much fun when you were here, but just like most things around here, it turned to crap after you disappeared. Mom got violent, Nathan got distant, and I realized how shitty people can be, even the ones that you love the most. It was brutal and since this is the first time that I've ever written to you, I'll let you know just how shitty things got after the Era of Dad. Even though I won't even send this, and you will still never know how desperately this family needed you.

First of all, let me just say that I've read a lot of stories about families with abusive parents where the older sibling will always step in front of the little sibling and take the beating instead, to defend the littler one. Nathan was never, ever like that once Mom lost it when you disappeared. He was relieved when I was old enough to start getting thrown around by our mother because it meant that he wasn't getting hit as much anymore. He would always run away whenever my mom got angry and when I learned that I should run away too, age didn't matter. What mattered was who could run faster, who could get away quicker, who could hide better. Every man for him (or her) self.

And it's all your fault, because you should have been there to protect both of us. You shouldn't have left, because you are a father and fathers can't just leave like that, you know? It's so fucked up to just wake up one morning and realize that you don't want your life, that your children aren't good enough for you. I understand that my mom isn't the most tolerable person in the world, but you left us. And you're so shitty. And I hate you.

But then I'll remember all of those amazing times looking for clovers in the field, looking at the stars, playing Santa. And I miss you. More than anything. I miss you, Dad.

But now I'm getting carried away with a stupid letter that I'll never send. I only wrote to wish you a Merry Christmas. So yeah, Merry Christmas. Best wishes. And also go fuck yourself.

Included Picture: My pathetic little Christmas tree

Sincerely
Luna Rose
(Your daughter, if you've forgotten)

Not my typical letter, but it's Christmas so I decided to do something a little different and it's made me emotional, which is annoying. I seal up the letter and put it away below my bed before I'm recovering my emotional stability so that I can join my friends across the alley in the Ronlux basement. It just screams Christmas spirit, doesn't it?

Once in the Ronlux, I'm with all of my friends except for Tasha, who is spending the holiday with her family because her mom was actually able to get the day off of work, which is a miracle considering how much she's always working. Good for Tasha though, because I know how much she loves spending time with her family.

"Drink up," Faith insists, shoving a bottle of vodka into my face. "We've got quite the stash for tonight, so we're going all out."

"Good," I decide, taking the bottle from her and I chug the vile liquid until I can't take the burning in my throat anymore and swallow my last swig before handing the bottle off to Jules.

"So, who knows any good Christmas songs?" Cece wonders loudly but I notice that she's completely sober, and she doesn't even have a drink in her hand, which is strange. She's never one to deny a bad decision. "Because there is no Christmas spirit in this room at all."

"That's not true, we have eggnog," Faith defends, holding up a pitcher of a creamy liquid that I assume is eggnog laced with a generous amount of cheap alcohol. She slips her long light brown hair over her shoulders before she takes a swig of the drink. "Merry Christmas, bitches."

"This Christmas fucking sucks," Cece decides with an annoyed huff but she still pours herself a plastic cup of alcoholic eggnog and starts sipping at it.

"What do you want us to do, Ce?" Jules asks her with raised eyebrows. "Dress up like Santa and talk about baby Jesus?"

"I don't know, this is just so lame," She grumbles, standing up from sitting by the basement's dirty cement wall. "I'm going to go upstairs and sketch a hobo."

Nobody stops Cece from leaving the basement because we're all shocked about her outburst even though they've been happening kind of frequently lately.

"What's been up with her lately?" Grey wonders, frowning in confusion once Cece's completely gone.

"I don't know but she has been really moody," Faith agrees with a small shrug.

Sitting down the bottle of vodka in my hand, I decide that I should be a good friend and go talk to Cece. "I'll go see what she's up to," I say, following Cece's path up the creaking basement stairs into the wide open reception area. Luckily, there are no hobos and also luckily, Cece is there so I don't have to go looking for her. Sipping on her eggnog, she's sitting on the rotting receptionist desk so I walk over to the desk and sit down beside her.

"Everyone's worried about you," I tell her quietly.

"Are they now?" She wonders, running her fingers through her short-ish blonde hair as she kicks her black combat boots against the desk that we're sitting on.

"Yeah. And they don't know why you've been so upset lately but I do," I say in a rushed mess of a sentence.

"What?" Her head snaps in my direction, her bright blue eyes are wide and her pale skin looks even paler in the dark light.

"I know that you're into Jules," I admit to her and when she gives me a half-curious-half-terrified look, I continue to explain. "I saw the sketch you drew of him a while back when you were passed out. I didn't do it on purpose, it was just there and I flipped it over so that nobody else would see it."

"No."

"What?" I wonder, confused as to what she means.

She shakes her head at me. "No."

"I wasn't going to say anything," I continue. "But you're getting really upset so I'm just saying that if you want to talk to somebody, I'm all ears."

"That's really hypocritical of you. You don't talk about any of your problems. You don't seriously expect me to talk about my problems, do you?" She raises her eyebrows at me.

"No, I don't. I'm just saying," I tell her with a sheepish little shrug. "I just..."

"Just what?" She urges.

"I just don't get it. Do you really believe in that sort of stuff? Relationships and happy endings and all of that crap. I mean, I know that you're a romanticist compared to the rest of us but that's still not saying very much. After all of the bullshit that we see around here, I don't get how you can still believe in relationships and love and crushes and sappy shit like that," I explain to her in a mumbling voice.

"It's not easy," She shakes her head while chewing on her bottom lip, obviously not happy about the topic of conversation. "And I hate it, and the whole being in love thing and especially with Jules, who is such an asshole sometimes."

"Not really."

"You only say that because you're comparing him to Grey, who is the biggest asshole we've ever met. But if you look at him just by himself, he really can be an asshole sometimes. But also kind of sweet. He's a mess, really, but aren't we all? And he's beautiful. And I'm so fucked."

"It sounds fucked up," I say, feeling so sorry for her. I know that she wouldn't appreciate my sympathy but I can't help it because I think that believing in something as useless and psychotic as love is the most tragic thing of all.

"It is fucked up. It's so fucked up, you know? I don't want to believe in this bullshit. I don't want to think that I'll have a happy ever after. Kids and a white picket fence and a husband that wears polo shirts and talks about golf over beer with the other suburban dads. I don't want to believe in it. But goddamn it, Luna. What the fuck are we living for if there's no happy ending? What's even the point?"

"You make a compelling argument," I confirm with a nod.

"Yeah," She mumbles, taking a bigger swig of her eggnog.

"Do you remember the girl at the parking lot when Grey was in that fight?" I ask her, trying to get the conversation off of Cece's crush on Jules because I'm sure that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Yeah, the rich girl. Why?"

"We've been talking a lot lately," I explain. "She believes in that stuff too. She thinks that I deserve better than Grey."

"You do," She agrees immediately. "He's a good friend, he's fun to hang out with and he cares a lot deep down. But he's such a piece of shit. I could have told you that you deserve better a year ago when you guys started fucking."

"I'm not going to find anything better around here. I think Jules is the best that we've got and obviously, I'm not going to try and hook up with him," I explain to her.

"So? Are you a sex addict or something? You don't need sex, you don't need Grey, you don't need any guy at all," She informs me. "Forget dating and sex and complicated shit like that. Get a vibrator, do it yourself, and call it a day."

"I do love him."

"As a friend. You don't love him like you should love somebody that you sleep with," She insists, handing me her cup of eggnog and I take a large sip of the vile drink.

With a loud gag, I hand the cup back to her. "Oh my god, that tastes terrible. I'd rather just drink straight vodka."

"I know," She says with a loud laugh and then I'm laughing too even as the sting of the disgusting eggnog is burning my tongue.

"I should end things with Grey," I mutter.

"You should. You should have done that a long time ago, I just never said anything because it's none of my business."

"And you should talk to Jules," I add, nudging her with my elbow as my vision is getting a little fuzzy from my growing buzz. "Because you deserve to be happy too and if he would make you happy then you should go for it."

"I don't want to fuck anything up," She explains to me. "He... you know, he gets around and I really don't think that he'd want to date anybody, let alone me. It'd make things weird if I told him about things."

"I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to tell you what I think that you should do. And I'll tell you just once and then I'll leave it alone and we'll go back downstairs and have a merry fucking Christmas, alright?"

Cece tries to hide a smile, but I can see her thin lips twitching upward into a small smile. "Alright, go for it."

"I think that you should tell him. And if he says no, then fuck him. Metaphorically. And then move on. Because you won't really be able to move on until you get a real answer from Jules. But Jules is cool, even if he turns you down, which he'd be ridiculously stupid to do by the way, he won't stop being your friend."

"Good advice."

"I think that our problem is that we know what the right thing is, and we know the right thing to do. We just also know that we are too afraid to do those right things. We won't follow our advice, but at least we can give some awesome advice to our friends, who also won't follow that advice," I explain to her. "We're all fucked up."

"The kids are not alright," She says with a cynical laugh.

"Absolutely not," I agree, laughing as well. "Maybe if you guys come to this New Year's party that I'm going to with Danni, you guys could talk there. The vibe will be very suburban, and they have a lot of optimism about relationships and dating and happy endings so maybe it'll give you some more confidence to talk to Jules. Just you two though, I don't want everybody to go."

"Who all will be there?"

"Danni, the rich girl, and her rich boyfriend and all of their rich friends," I explain. "How's that sound?"

"Terrible," She tells me with a shake of her head. "But I'll be there. It beats spending New Year alone, I guess."

"That's the spirit. Now, let's go back downstairs and celebrate this wonderful holiday," I suggest, hopping off of the desk to go back to our friends downstairs.

Cece hops off with me and wraps her arm around her arm around my shoulders, causing us to walk side to side across the lobby area of the old building. "I love you, Luna."

"Of course you do, I'm pretty great," I assure her with a wide, buzzed grin. "I love you too."

Back downstairs, our three other friends are playing a weird made up drinking game and I don't even have time to understand the rules before Grey is standing up and walking toward me with a lit cigarette between his fingers. Cece, still standing next to me, sees him coming and I see her give me a look that tells me 'drop him'.

"I'm not going to tell you what to do," She whispers. "But you know what's best for you. You know the right thing to do."

Before I can respond to her, Grey's wrapping his arm around my waist and leading me around the corner of the basement for some privacy.

"Is everything okay with Cece?" He wonders, keeping his hand on my waist to press me against the wall. I'm losing my resolve but I can hear Danni's words going through my head and to be honest, I keep imagining how happy Danni and Bailey look when they were together. And I don't want to believe in that kind of crap, but I can't help but want that type of happiness and I'm not going to get that with Grey. I have to stay strong.

"Yeah, she's fine. She's strong so she'll get over it," I assure him as he takes a drag of his cigarette.

"You're a hero," He says with a charming smile and then he's leaning in to kiss me. It's now or never. "And now that everything's figured out, I'm going to give you your Christmas present."

He's getting closer and closer and I'm becoming weaker and weaker, my hands are trembling, my lips are burning with the desire for his to be there and for his hands to be everywhere. But Danni is so happy with Bailey, and Grey is not my Bailey. Just as his lips are brushing against mine, I find myself doing the right thing. For once, I am following the good advice because I don't want to be this fucked up forever.

"You know that I hate it when you smoke," I tell him.

"I just put it out," He says, motioning to the smoking butt on the floor.

"But you still smell like ass and you know that I don't like it," I repeat, feeling annoyed and fired up and still a little bit buzzed and it keeps getting worse. I believe that if I just push him away enough, I'll stop sleeping with him. "But you still do it because you know that it pisses me off. You only do it because it gets under my skin, and now you expect me to drop my panties for you?"

"Luna, what's going on?" He frowns at me, sounding taken aback by my lashing out.

"I don't want to sleep with you. Ever again. You are manipulative, over confident, pushy, and you're just such a freaking asshole," I snap at him.

"Okay. I'll stop smoking the ass cigarettes," He tells me and I almost laugh because if I thought that it would be that easy to talk him into not smoking those cigarettes, I would have threated to not sleep with him forever ago. I guess that it's too late now. I tell myself not to give in to him though, to stay strong, to keep pushing this.

"No," I croak out, pushing his hard chest away from me. "No, it's too late now. Grey, I love you to death and you're a great friend but you're a horrible person when it comes to sex. You just go out of your way to mess with me, to get inside of my head like it's some sort of fetish or something and it's so fucked up. I deserve better."

"What?" He leans back and frowns at me in confusion.

"I don't want to do this," I mutter. "Because I have a vibrator and I don't want to have sex with you anymore. It's not... I'm not happy. Having sex with you doesn't make me happy anymore. It takes my problems away for a little while but when it's over, I feel like shit."

"No more sex?" Grey clarifies. "You're serious?"

"No more sex. I'm very serious," I confirm in a shaky voice and I'm sure that he can tell how hard this is for me, how close I am to panicking tears, but I keep with it because I'm proud of myself for not giving in. No matter what he does, I will not give in.

"We're still cool though, right?" He wonders. "Like, we're still going to hang out with everybody?"

"Yes, of course," I assure him quickly. "Just without the sex. I don't want you to be mad, and I don't want to lose you by any means because like I said, I really do love you but I love you as a friend. Just a friend."

"I'm not mad," He mumbles, stepping to the side so that he can lean against the wall beside me. "I'm surprised and extremely disappointed but as long as we're still okay, then I'm fine."

"You're really not mad?"

He shakes his head at me. "No. I'm really not mad, Luna. I mean, you are incredibly fun and amazing in bed but if you're not into it anymore, I'm not going to force you or anything."

"Good," I decide with a long, still shaky sigh before I lean over and pull him into my arms for a tight hug. "Now, let's go fucked up that we see Santa with his reindeer."

"Sounds like a plan," Grey agrees and then we're moving back around the corner to join everybody else for our crappy Christmas party.

Happy with how things have ended up with both Cece and Grey, I go back into the other room with a bounce to my step and I grin even wider as Jules pulls out the LSD from his bag of goodies and I know that tonight is going to be a really amazing night.

Merry Christmas, bitches.