Jude Christopher Brahm,

I got up early to come here and ready breakfast with you this morning.

But I really just need to talk to you. You're the only person who seems to truly understand everything that goes on inside of my heart.

Is it because we're one and the same? I'm almost sure that we must operate on the same wavelength, in the very least.

At the most, we're part of each other, and that accounts for the connection.

I'm going to step out on a limb here and assume it's the latter. Because, dear, you are truly a part of me.

Maybe that's why...

No.

I'm sorry, I'm having so much trouble...

I don't know how to keep my thoughts light. I just don't know anymore, Jude.

They're getting to me. Oh God, it's all getting to me.

Everything they say, all the things they don't, all of the looks I get, and the tones the nurses use when they wake me up because I fell asleep with you.

And all of the signs... the good signs, they taunt me. They make me believe just long enough to hurt, Jude.

So is it true? Or is it not?

Are you alive?

Do you hear me?

Because I think I'm breaking, and nothing can hold me together but you.

I need you. I need you with everything I possess.

Wake up, so I can believe. Wake up, so you won't break any of your promises. Wake up, so you won't break me. Please?

Oh my God... I hurt.

Hold me?

~ ~ ~

I remember so many beautiful things.

I remember the smell of the Plumeria blossoms from the flowering trees near the beach in Kauai.

I remember the sound of your soft laughter mixed with the rolling of the waves, and the slapping of water against sand.

I remember the taste of fresh coconut water and fresh seafood. Everything there was untainted.

I remember the feeling of the sun on my back, the sand beneath me, and the ocean creeping up to brush my feet.

I remember the beauty of everything.

And on top of all of that, I remember sobbing like a baby on the plane when we left, because the thought of never going back was the most distressing thing I'd experienced all week.

Being home was nice, though.

Things returned to normal.

You went back to work, and I went back to my Etsy shop and waiting for you to get home each night.

It was lonely in that house when you weren't home.

But when you came home, it was like you had never left.

One night, we were just sitting on the couch, supposedly watching a movie, but completely ignoring the TV.

You were winding my curls around your fingers, smiling teasingly. You were making a game of how many times you could kiss my nose without getting caught.

You were at four kisses, but I was watching you, now. There would be no more sneak attacks on my watch.

"Staring is rude," you said playfully, raising your eyebrows.

"So is unconsented kissing." I tapped your nose with my finger, chuckling. "Keep your lips away from me, Jude dude."

"Aww. That's inhumane," you sighed, settling back to watch the TV. "This movie is so unrealistic."

I laughed. "How so?"

You gestured toward the screen, sighing. "She still wants to stay with him even though he's a total jerk," you said, shrugging. "That, and she is wearing really nice clothes even though they're supposedly broke."

I looked toward the screen, to where our protagonist was walking all by herself to the store to buy a tylenol for her somewhat-psychotic husband. "She's just too loyal. I mean, they've been married for several years, but--"

You kissed my nose.

I slapped your leg. "Stop that!"

You laughed. "Distraction is key in any ambush." You winked at me.

"Oh, be quiet. You're the worst." I rolled my eyes.

You pulled me to your side and kissed my hair. "I'm sorry."

"You are not. You're ornery."

"Yeah, maybe. But I'll stop."

I looked up at you, deadpan. "I completely and wholeheartedly believe you, dear."

You laughed. "I'm not sure if I believe even a little bit of that, though."

I sighed, resting my head against your chest. Your heartbeat was fast and steady, like the rhythm of a song.

"I guess I'll forgive you," I sighed at last. 

"Alright," you said, tone sounding like a smile. "Would you let me kiss you properly if I were to ask?"

"I don't know," I teased, tone serious. "I can't decide if I want to risk it."

You nodded, ruffling my hair with the roughness on your chin. "A reasonable misgiving, I think."

But where my teasing was solemn, yours sounded like laughter.

"Do you think I should risk it?"

You shrugged. "I think you should do what you want to do, and whatever you do, I'll be fine."

I breathed for a moment, thinking about this, and smiled.

Why did you have to annoy me, and then come back with something so cute?

It made me want to deny you.

You didn't ask for a kiss again, we watched the movie, and I could almost hear you rolling your eyes at the craziness of the movie.

It made me laugh.

"Jude," I took your face between my hands as the end scene commenced, even more laugh-worthy than the rest of the movie. "Can I have your attention for a moment?"

You raised your eyebrows, face slightly squished by the way I held it. "Of course. Always."

I grinned. "Could I kiss you properly if I were to ask?"

You shrugged, looking away like you were weighing the pros and cons. "Well, on one hand... I wouldn't care even if you didn't ask, and on the other hand, I still wouldn't care if you didn't ask." Your eyes came back to mine and you grinned.

I let go of your face and stood up from the couch. "Good to know," I laughed, as I walked toward the kitchen.

"Hey! What's that about?" you laughed, following me. "That was unfair."

"Last I checked, distraction is necessary for every ambush," I said, grinning.

Your face fell when I used your words against you. But you didn't say anything. You only shrugged. "Someday I'll get a kiss."

"Someday? Oh, you poor, poor soul," I said, laughing. I pulled a box of cereal out of a cabinet and poured some into a bowl.

You came alongside me and poured your own bowl, taking the milk after I was done to use it and put it away. "Can we share?"

I laughed. "One kind of cereal isn't enough for you?"

You shrugged. "I just like sharing food."

"I do not." I made my way back to the couch and sat down, tucking my legs underneath me. "Why would you want a second kind anyway? Coco Puffs are amazing."

You only shrugged again. 

I watched you, chewing a bite of cereal, as you sat down beside me.

"Is there anything that you'd like to watch?"

This time it was my turn to shrug. "Whatever you want. This time, we won't play eeny-meeny-miny-moe to find out what to watch."

You shuddered. "Never watching that movie again. I detest it."

"Detest? Oooh, that's a sophisticated word," I teased. "Want a bite?" I held up a spoonful of Fruity Pebbles.

You shook your head. 

"Why?"

"I like my food."

I chuckled, setting my bowl on the coffee table to go look at the movies.

After flipping through them for a moment, I held up a military drama that was one of our most agreed-upon movies. "How will this work? Okay with you?"

You nodded. "Perfect."

"Some blood to go with your sugary snack?" I teased, popping the disc out of its case. I put it into the player and placed the other movie back in its case.

"That's gross," you chuckled.

I shrugged, plopping back onto the couch with you.

I glanced over at you before grabbing my bowl, and found you watching me. "What?"

You smiled. "You're beautiful."

I tilted my head to the side, smiling wrily. "You're trying to get your kiss aren't you, Jude?"

You only chuckled.

I set my bowl down and crossed my arms. "Well, it won't work on me. Flattery." 

I was teasing, and you knew it. I could see it in the sparkle in your eyes, that you were very much aware that I was totally joking. That I was probably intent in myself to kiss you anyway, without asking, and without warning.

But you didn't mind at all. You were mine, as you told me occasionally, and I could kiss you whenever I liked.

"I think you're cute when you're playing around," you said, turning your focus to the TV screen. (Or at least the portion of your focus that I could actually see.)

"I think you're annoying always," I replied, looking to the television as well.

"I think you're joking."

"I think I'm not."

"I think you don't actually know what you're saying right now."

"I think you should be quiet, because you're obnoxious."

"That isn't what you were saying earlier."

"Oh, be quiet." I rolled my eyes, laughing softly. "You talk way too much."

"Alright." You didn't look over at me, but that playful look was still in your eyes, like you were waiting for me to make a move again.

This was one of those things, one of those games that we played with each other on occasion.

The winner would be both of us, in the end. You never let me lose, and I never won by myself.

You glanced over at me, gaze full of laughter and teasing and stupid jokes.

I looked back at you. "What?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Seriously, what?" I leaned over you, pretending to be threatening.

You laughed. "Nothing!"

When I tickled your face with my hair, you held me away and got up so quickly that I had to run to catch you. By the time I was standing, you were already in the hall.

"Jude!" I shouted, laughing, as I chased you through the house.

When I went into our bedroom, you darted past me back into the hall.

"So slow!" you called, laughing.

I chased you, then when I touched you, you chased me.

We were out of breath and childish, and sweating and silly. But most of the time, that's the best way to be. If you're too serious, you'll end up ruining something.

Well, you can ruin things by being a kid, too, but at least it's just things and not people.

I think I was it when you were it that we finally lost our will to run at each other and collapsed on a heap on the carpet of our bedroom floor.

I could hear the movie playing in the other room, but our breathing was so much louder. 

And then, through the pounding hearts and gasping lungs, we were kissing. 

It was one of those moments when you wonder if magic is real; not because everything is perfect--it's not--but because everything is the way you feel it should be.

You were kissing me, and I was kissing you back, and you were holding me so close, and I was having a hard time keeping air in my lungs.

"Jude," I gasped, laughing a bit. "You're crazy."

You peppered my entire face with kisses. "I know."

"You're my favorite, though."

"You're my favorite, too, so that works out perfectly," you said with a final kiss, and rolled onto your back.

I took a deep, shuddering breath, still trying to calm my lungs. "How much do you love me?" I asked, voice faint.

You were quiet for a moment. "Hm... to the moon and back. No, to Polaris and back."

I smiled, turning my head to look at you. "That's a pretty way to say that."

You raised your eyebrows. "Pretty or not, it's the truth."

"It's a lot."

"Well, I love you a lot, so that's fine. Right?" You sat up and ran a hand through your hair.

It was always so messy, so free. And it was always soft, too. I loved your hair.

I smiled, and sat up, too. "I suppose so."

"Aurora?"

I loved my name most when you said it.

"Yes, love?"

You smiled. "Can I kiss you again?"

I nodded slightly, and that was all it took.

You were lost in me, and I was too entangled to realize that I was lost in you, too.

~ ~ ~

Jude...

I know that kissing isn't the main importance in marriage, that being close isn't all that matters, but it makes everything else seem that much more intimate.

It makes things like innocent moments of hand holding and playful bickering into a much deeper, more meaningful thing. It gives you roots into the soul of the other person.

And I think that perhaps that's why this hurts so much, and so deeply. I had roots in your soul for miles and miles and miles...

And your roots into mine were even longer.

So with each beat of your heart, I feel a painful tug in mine, and it isn't the way it should be.

You should be awake, you should be home. You should be chasing me though our little house, and laughing about the littlest, silliest things.

Wake up, and bring my soul back to life.

And yes, I know I am painfully needy and desperate and possibly even ridiculously pitiful, but...

I am.

I love.

I ache.

Sincerely, 

Aurora

P.S. To Polaris and back, okay?