Jude Christopher Brahm.

Yes, I ended that in a period. I'm not sure what is wrong with me today, but it's affecting my punctuation. (Is that weird? Probably.)

When I got here earlier the doctors said that you were reacting adversely to the new nutrition formula. That you stopped breathing for the better half of a minute.

And they didn't call me to let me know before I got here.

So I'm... trying not to cry...? It doesn't help, so I won't. If anything, it might depress you. And I don't want that, Jude.

Lately the doctors haven't said anything about giving up, did you know that? They've left me alone. (That might have something to do with me telling them to shut their damn mouths, though.)

Do you mind that I used an unkind word to defend you?

I hope not.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I'd do it thousands more times.

Mostly because I love you. (Partially because I don't give a damn.)

~ ~ ~

We had been dating for a couple of months, and things were progressively getting more serious. Pressures were shifting, priorities were morphing, we were changing.

I was sure that the stress of it would drive me to pieces and pull the two of us apart, but you seemed sure that we'd be okay. You were always so sure, though.

We were sitting in the back yard, in the grass. Or I was in the grass, you were in one of the swings. Our discussions had been strained all day, and you had been quiet. It wasn't odd for you to be quiet or anything, but I wasn't sure what to make of this quiet. There was no smile that came with it; no twinkle in your gray eyes.

That in itself was suspicious to me.

"So," I said, and exhaled hard. "Mind telling me why you're being so quiet today?"

You set the swing beneath you in motion with a slight push. "I... I applied to get into Yale."

I smiled, or tried. I swear I did. But the news set my stomach to curdling. "That's awesome, Jude."

And it was quiet. The silence was full, so full of noises. The swings creaked, your shoes brushed across the gritty ground, I tore pieces of grass into shredded bits.

Neither of us said anything for a while. Were you afraid that I was hurt? You could probably tell that the news upset me. I wasn't very good at hiding my feelings, and I really... I wanted you to stay.

But then you spoke. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I looked up and stretched a smile over my stiff-feeling face. "You don't need to be sorry."

"I didn't ask you before I applied." You scratched the back of your neck and glanced at me, eyebrows furrowed. "I should have."

"I'll be fine," I said. I studied you briefly, chewing on the inside of my cheek. Deep inside, I could feel that I wasn't fine, that none of it was fine. But I didn't tell you that.

You watched me for a few seconds, then you got up and took a few steps away, tilting your head up to catch the sunlight. Your jaw was set in a way that told me very clearly what you felt, what you thought.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

Silence. You swallowed hard, eyes still closed against the sun.

I looked away. "Jude."

You didn't answer me.

"Yale is far away. Do you plan to continue with our relationship when you leave?" I looked back up at you, but the tenseness in your shoulders was the only answer to my question. "Jude Brahm, I expect you to answer me." My voice broke in the middle.

For a moment you stood there, tense, silent, and then you said something.

"I'm not sure."

"You're not sure?" I repeated, heat rising with my voice. But then my temper cooled as I realized that I was becoming upset. I lowered my voice, swallowed my tears. The stubborn side of me hated that I cared what your plans were. "When do you think you'll know?"

"I don't know," you whispered, and glanced back at me.

"If you don't know, then why are you going? Why are you still here? Why haven't you made your decision? Jude, why?"

You looked up. "I don't know." And with long strides, you walked out of the yard.

I could hear your footsteps on the sidewalk for minutes afterward, until you were far enough down the street that you were gone.

I waited. You hadn't taken your car, so you planned to come back. Right?

I didn't allow myself to cry as I sat there, waiting to hear your footsteps returning.

It was dark before I heard anything.

"Aurora?"

I turned my head. "Are you okay?"

You nodded, looking me over. Your eyes were bloodshot. "I'm alright. Are you? It's been a couple hours."

"It's okay," I said, standing.

You smiled a tiny bit. "I'm sorry. I was afraid that if I told you that you would be angry, but I couldn't not apply. My parents have been planning for me to go there since I was born. My dad went to college at Yale. My grandfather went to college at Yale. I'm supposed to go to Yale by destiny. It's in my blood."

You sounded so final, so ridiculously calm. But the redness in your eyes and the subtle huskiness of your voice screamed that you were not accepting this the way you wanted me to believe.

I would not allow you to push me out of your life so easily.

"It sounds like a load of baloney to me. It isn't something that you want to do, so how is it something that you have to?"

You smiled, still trying to appear cool and collected. "I don't want to die someday, but I know that it's something that I have to do."

"Don't be stupid," I whispered. "College is something that you have a choice in. Live your life that you want to. Ditch your destiny and become a hippy, Jude. If you want to, take up painting. I don't even care. But don't choose a life that you don't want. You only live once."

"Yolo," you mouthed jokingly.

I rolled my eyes, and reached out to take your hand. "Jude, do you want to go to Yale?"

You sobered just long enough to frown, eyes darker than before. "No."

"Then don't," I mouthed, searching your face. "If you don't want to go, then don't. Stay with me."

A muscle ticked in your jaw, and I brought my hand up to press it against the side of your face.

"Please?"

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. "What am I going to tell my parents?"

"The truth. That you're not a businessman. That Yale is for the birds." I smiled a little. "That we have other things to do that don't involve breaking up and becoming two people who might have been something but are now nothing."

"What if I left and in the end we were only two people who used to like each other?"

"Then we'll never know, will we?"

"What am I going to do?" You looked so lost. I wanted to fix you, but I knew that I couldn't.

"Go on an adventure."

You studied me for a minute, mouth working from a frown to a smile. "Aurora."

"Jude. That's what you're supposed to do in life." I hugged you tightly. "What do you say?"

"I'm asking what kind of adventure it is."

"Life. The extraordinary kind."

"You don't mind my company on your adventure?"

I smiled at you. "It would be an honor."

~ ~ ~

You didn't go to Yale. Your dad was upset, but you weren't. We had it figured out.

Or we thought we did, at least.

This memory marks the beginning of our age of adventures, and the end of the age of uncertainty. (Though things are still uncertain.)

I miss our adventures constantly, Jude. It's hard to remember that this is an adventure, too.

Sincerely,

Aurora Brahm

P.S. Don't you know that I love you? Don't forget it, please. Don't forget it.

~ ~ ~

This chapter is dedicated to QuixoticHearts because she's sweet and awesome. ^-^

~anne