Jude Christopher Brahm,

Remember when we were on cloud nine perpetually? Remember when all news was good news? Nothing could bring us down.

We held each other so tightly that nothing could come between us.

Do you remember that?

I loved you so entirely.

You know, I'm trying not to think too seriously about going away, to stay with my parents. Right now I'm just holding on, you know?

I'm just holding on. To you, and memory, and sanity, and happiness, and love. (But mostly you.)

~ ~ ~

I was warm, wrapped up in the sheets of an inn bed, trying to keep the morning light out of my eyes.

You shifted on the mattress beside me, stretched an arm over my side and pulled me against your chest.

Then, like the slow, soft rumble of distant thunder, you whispered groggily, "Why don't we just hang out today."

I wrinkled my nose, hiding from the morning on your breath in the collar of your shirt. "We hang out every day, Jude."

"Yeah, but we don't ever just walk around one place all day." Your hands traced over my back, gentle. "What do you say we just wander?"

"I like that idea," I murmured, stretching and pushing away. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and studied the cityscape outside our window.

I forgot the name of where we were, but it was west coast, and it was beautiful. Not Los Angeles--I knew that much--but it was somewhere along the coast of California.

"Where are we?"

"Santa Barbara?" You sat up, too, and slipped off the bed, making your way to the bathroom. 

I got up, too, and went to the window. "It's even more beautiful in the daylight," I said softly, looking out across the stretch of palm trees toward the harbor. 

You stepped out of the bathroom, your toothbrush in hand. "Isn't it?"

I laughed, rolled my eyes, and gave you a playful shove as I walked into the bathroom myself. My toothbrush was set out on the counter, the toothpaste already on it. 

"Aww, you're so unnecessarily thoughtful," I said, chuckling. "Now, if we could take this behavior and convert it to remembering where dirty clothes go, we'd be getting somewhere."

"Meanie," you sighed past a mouthful of toothpaste, leaning against the frame of the bathroom door.

I shrugged, brushing my teeth. 

You finished and walked back out of the room, pressing a soft, but damp, kiss to my cheek.

"What should I wear?" I asked, rinsing my toothbrush after I was done.

You pulled on a light blue tank top. "Whatever you want."

"Okay."

After we were both dressed, we made our way down to breakfast. After that, the town became our playground, and no one could tell us to keep off the grass.

. . .

It was late afternoon. You had a sunburn on your shoulders, and I had a tan line from the neckline of my sundress.

You were whining about how unfair it was the the sun made you a lobster and it just made me hotter. (Your words, not mine. I thought the pink in your cheeks was adorable. Do you remember me saying so? My teasing might have been over the top...)

"Oh, come on," you said, looking at me pleadingly. "Let's go swimming."

"Jude, we're not dressed for it."

You snorted, furrowing your brow in disbelief. "Live a little! Underwear are made for swimming."

"Not on public beaches," I laughed, shoving you playfully. "Get a grip, young man."

You looked toward the water, across the sand from the path we were walking, and sighed. "My love is like a stick in the mud, for which fun will never do..."

"Excuse you," I laughed. 

You brushed your shoulder against mine. "Oh, come on."

"Jude, if you really want to frolic in the waves, go ahead. I'll stay here."

"But you have to come with me, or it won't be fun."

"For me? Or for you?"

"Whichever," you said shrugging.

"Fine," I replied. "But I don't know if I want to get wet, so please don't splash me."

You shook your head, grinning from ear to ear. "I won't."

"In which case, lead the way."

But you didn't lead--you swept me up onto your shoulder and took off across the beach, carelessly kicking up sand and shouted at the top of your lungs for the few people on the beach to hear, "LOOK AT MY GORGEOUS WIFE! SEE HOW LUCKY I AM!"

It was not the entrance to the beach scene that I had intended or expected.

I covered my face, cheeks hotter than the sunlight. But I couldn't keep from grinning, even though you were so... endearingly attention-grabbing. 

I was kind of embarrassed. Not by you, not by us, but rather the fact that people were looking at us.

But when you set me back on my feet and grinned at me, I couldn't  keep from smiling back. 

"Jude," I said laughingly, "you just made a scene."

"Not proud enough, huh?" you said, and grinned. "I could shout it louder if that would pass muster, m'lady."

"Oh, be quiet," I said, shaking my head ruefully. I sat down in the sand to take off my sandals, and set them beside your shoes.

You pulled off your shirt and tossed it over our shoes. "Now I will lead the way."

"Too late." I turned quickly and ran toward the water.

I could hear you laughing behind me, shouting about how unfair it was that I got a head start, and then, eventually, "Whoa, baby, hold on, I think I've pulled something."

I slowed, turned my head, and you swooped past me, grabbing me up under your arm. 

"Pulled something, my butt!"

"No, actually I pulled your leg," you laughed, setting me down. "Does that splashing rule still apply?"

"Of course it does!" I huffed, running a hand through my hair.

People were staring, the surf was crashing a few hundred yards out, and the sun was burning hot, but I didn't particularly care.

You squinted at me and reached out to take one of my curls between your fingers. "I think your hair is bleaching out."

"And?" I laughed, kicking a bit of water onto your legs.

The wind blew, the gulls cried, and you laughed like there was no tomorrow, turning a quick circle.

I shook my head at your antics and walked toward the ocean's horizon, letting the smaller waves come up and kiss my legs. The water was cold. Colder than I had expected, anyway.

"Jude!" I squealed. "The water is not very tropical at all!"

You appeared at my side, and grabbed my hand gently. "Kind of chilly, isn't it?"

I wiggled my toes into the sand as the water lapped over my feet. "Mhm."

A group of small children ran along the edge of the water, laughing and screaming at each other, splashing and shoving and making merry in general.

"It's kind of funny," you said, "that those kids are doing something that we were just doing. Is it human nature to be innocently wild and playful? Or just the nature of being young?"

"Well, I think it should be cultivated to be human nature, but there is so much filth, you know? When you grow up, that sense of innocent fun fades away and suddenly everything anyone says is a 'that's what she said' joke." I rolled my eyes, sighing. 

"I don't crack those kinds of jokes," you said, looking out to sea.

"The main reason why I married you," I teased, nudging you lightly with my elbow.

"The main reason?"

"Okay, perhaps the secondary reason." I tilted my head toward you and grinned.

You crossed your arms. "The main being?"

"Your absolutely splendiferous personality! What else?"

"My good looks?"

I shook my head, smiling up at you. "That's reason 1.5." 

You smiled, and mouthed, "Love you."

I chuckled. Reached up, and pulled you down for a kiss.

Hoots and hollers erupted from the scattered audience on the beach.

When I pulled away, blushing, you brushed a curl out of my face. "Look at my gorgeous wife. See how lucky I am."

You whispered to no one in particular, but my heart jumped like the words were spoken in direct dialogue between my soul and yours.

So I responded with my own heart's dialogue and kissed you again.

~ ~ ~

Your smile in all of our pictures looks like a California sunset. The smell of your shirts still makes me think of golden sand and the sound of the gulls.

Do you dream in California color, my dear?

Do hear in the sounds of the ocean?

Do you feel like sand and sun and waves?

I really hope the memory makes you feel alive.

Sincerely,

Aurora

P.S. Don't forget--I love you to Polaris and back.

~~~

Lame joke time!

What do you call a big inch worm?

A three-inch worm. 

~Anne