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I don't like the way I was walking around, looking away, and. . . well. . . living this very day. My thoughts rode this way again. I wasn't thinking this way noong kasama ko si Lannie. Nagiging ganito lang naman ako kapag nasa school ako o kaya minsan, kapag mag-isa ako. . . at kinakabahan ako. And that's it. I'm here in our classroom, and I feel uncool again. Like everyone got their friends except. . . .

Damn.

"Abby," I called as soon as I saw the cleverest way of walking from a girl within my circle of friends in school. . . in school. "Sure ka bang sabay tayong uuwi?"

Tinatamad na uminom si Abby sa tumbler niyang parang hindi nauubusan ng tubig. Tumango siya, and I didn't know if I still wanted to walk through the school's gate with her. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko talaga, pero naramdaman ko na 'yong pakiramdam na parang hindi niya man lang ako naririnig o nakikita. I was hurt, of course, lalo na kapag may ibang kaibigan na siyang kasama. Naiiwan na lang ako bigla sa likod.

In this school, she is my classmate that knows me the most because we've been classmates since we were on our fourth year of Junior High School, and I value her, of course! Now, we're on our first year of Junior High School, and it's not impossible if she would want a new classmate as a new closest-buddy-yet.

I mean. . . Dad said it's normal and I shouldn't make a fuss about it. Pero nakakalungkot kaya.

"Wait lang," walking to the canteen's door, Abby said. "Bibili lang ako. Nakakagutom."

Sinundan ko siya sa canteen, at kinuha ko ang phone ko sa bulsa ng school uniform ko. The first thing I saw on my phone's screen (after it lit up) was the notification that tells me that I have a text message. I glanced at Abby, who was about to fall in line.

"Bibili ka ba?" ang tanong niya.

"Ah," I said, "hindi, e."

"Sige."

I looked around for the nearest table with the vacant seats, and I found one that was just few strides away from where I stood. I sat down on one of its chairs while putting my bag on my lap. I kept my eyes back at the screen of my phone to control my emotions. A message from Lannie lit up my face. Our memories in Town in a Building rushed into my mind as I tapped the notification to read it.

-

Lannie: dear, susunduin ka namin sa labas ng school niyo. punta tayong Town in a Building, hoho.

-

I wanted to be with Lannie. You know. . . being with your closest friend in your circle. The Town in a Building was just one of the things that bond Maddie and Lannie with me. It was a place I could be in without becoming ashamed that I don't watch in Netflix. I just wanted to be real. Parang laging may magdya-judge sa akin sa lugar na ginagalawan ko. Ang hirap maging totoo at mag-pretend na alam mo ang ginagawa mo sa araw-araw, but when I am with these friends of mine, I am real. Ugh, too dramatic. Buti na lang, last day ko na sa school ngayong 2017, at Christmas vacation na.

With the excitement about being real (and not much about going to Town in a Building) in my veins, I typed.

-

Stephanie: Sige, dear. Text mo ako if nasa labas ka na. Tatakbo ako, dear! LOL.

-

Right after tapping the send button, Abby appeared by my side. A burger in her hand, she tapped my shoulder with the use of her other hand.

"Labas na tayo?" ang patanong niyang sabi at agad akong tumayo. Gusto ko na ring lumabas, e. We walked out of the canteen. Pasimple akong tumingin sa mga paa namin. I tried to match my pace with hers, but it felt and looked like hers was getting quicker.

For the second time, I tried again, but her footsteps stopped. That was when I heard a familiar voice.

"Uy, Abby!" I heard the voice of Nica, our friend from the other section. Dati namin siyang classmate.

"Yo," Abby chuckled then faced her completely. Nica's face was marked with a smile, and Abby was also smiling. I could say their smiles were so genuine. . . so genuine that I was thinking that they forgot the existence of lies.

Ano raw?

"Nakita ko 'yong tweet mo," Nica laughed, and the atmosphere suddenly felt like I wasn't in range. They continued on chatting, and I wanted to butt in, laugh with them, and join the rest of the conversation, but I wasn't able to do so. Abby and Nica's feet started to move and walk. Muli akong tumingin sa mga paa nila, and they were perfectly in rhythm. How come they can do it?

We finally made a good distance from the canteen, and it was like they already agreed to walk with each other until they part ways in order to get to their own homes. Parang nakalimutan na ni Abby na sabay kaming uuwi. I mean. . . magkaiba kami ng sasakyan, pero. . . never mind.

Abby and Nica walked past the open gate of the school after tapping their IDs on a machine, which I didn't know the name of (although I've been here for years), and then, I did the ID tapping and finally exited the school. Nasa labas na kaya sina Lannie at Maddie? I thought right before I opened my messaging application.

-

Lannie: dito na kami.

Stephanie: Saan?

Lannie: sa tapat ng gate, dear.

-

I looked up from my phone's screen, which obviously lacks in brightness, to the boulevard in front of our school where a familiar car was parked. It was black, and I knew. . . it was Maddie's. Oh, shit! I thought as I felt excitement all over me.

"Alis na ako, Abby," I said to them while tapping Abby's distracted shoulder, "Nica."

Lumingon si Abby sa akin, at hindi ko agad nabasa ang ekspresyon niya. It was her normal look, yet I was still confused. Damn, 'di pa ako nasanay, I thought. Sunod na lumingon si Nica, and she was still lost in the smile she shared with Abby.

"Ah, sige," Abby replied while looking around as if she was searching for any factor around us that made me think of parting from them. "Hindi ka ba talaga pupunta ng Christmas party?"

"Hindi na talaga, e," I said as I was politely distancing myself from them. "See you next year. Ingat."

"See you next year. Ingat."

I simply nodded as a response, then I walked to the direction of Maddie's car. A smile formed on my lips. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam no'ng sinabi niya ang salitang 'yon—ingat. It might be a simple word that people who care for you say, but I liked the feeling. I think I just appreciated it so much.

Kotse kaya talaga 'to ni Maddie? I asked myself because I was doubting for a bit. Pasimple akong lumingon sa mga lugar kung saan maaaring mag-park ang mga sasakyan, pero walang ibang kotseng itim sa paligid maliban sa kotseng nasa harapan ko. Nang makasiguro akong kotse nga ni Maddie ang nasa harapan ko, binuksan ko ang pinto ng kotse. Bumati sa akin ang mga nakangiting mukha nina Maddie at Lannie. That was when I got in.

"Bakit 'di ka pa agad pumasok, dear?" ang natatawang tanong ni Lannie sa akin.

"E, kasi. . ." I replied. "Naisip ko na baka maling sasakyan 'yong nalapitan ko. 'Di ko pa man din alam ang plate number nito."

"Sa tapat lang naman," Maddie chuckled while waiting for me to lock the door of her car. Hindi ba busy 'tong mga 'to?

"Saan ba kayo nanggaling?" ang tanong kong mapangsiyasat. "Hindi ba kayo pumasok sa mga klase ninyo?"

"Of course, pumasok kami," ang natatawang sabi ni Lannie, at napatingin ako sa orasan ko. "Mas maaga ang dismissal namin kaysa sa inyo."

4:20 PM. Oo nga pala, 3:30 PM ang uwian nila. Same school at same classes nga pala sila. Palayo na nang palayo ang kotse ni Maddie sa school nang maalala kong medyo malapit nga pala ang Town in a Building sa school. Wait, shit. Saan ako magbibihi—

"Dear, dadaan tayo ng mall," Lannie said, "para makapagbihis ka na. Malapit lang naman 'yon dito, I think."

"Ah," I uttered, "okay." Then—suddenly—I mentally giggled after remembering the fact that Lannie and I decided to call each other "dear" because it sounds cringe-y.

I set my eyes on the road we were taking. Hindi masyadong marami ang mga sasakyang kasabay namin, pero tiyak na moderately heavy naman ang traffic sa dinadaanan ko roon papuntang bahay.

"May schoolwork ka bang gagawin?" ang tanong ni Lannie.

My quick response was to look at Lannie, who asked the question. Ako ba ang kausap niya? I thought, and it was just then that I realized she was looking at me through the rearview mirror.

"Ah," I replied as I was putting the hours that passed on rewind in my head. "Wala. Last day na namin ngayon."

"Buti pa kayo," Lannie giggled. "Tagal ng amin, e."

"Kahit naman may pasok at may gagawin, wala na 'kong paki."

"Ano'ng walang paki?" ang tanong ni Maddie. I think she was shocked. She doesn't talk much when driving.

"Ayaw ko lang isipin," I laughed. I don't care anymore, I wanted to say.

"Parang 'di ka gan'yan dati," Lannie laughingly replied. "What happened?"

"Nakaka-stress isipin, dear."

I used to be so concerned about my grades and so stressed about my studies, but I started to care less. I just didn't want to stress myself out anymore. Some people can call me "manipis," but that's just the way I am. Parang naging madali at parang routine na ang pag-iyak ko tuwing gabi simula noong first semester pa. Buti na lang ay nako-compose ko na ang sarili ko kahit kaunti.

May scholarship akong galing sa labas ng university. I had to maintain my grades, and I undoubtedly worked hard for it. Unfortunately, studying hard had given me so much pressure. Seriously, if it isn't for my parents' efforts in making me study in a good school, I think I'd let my grades go even lower kahit nasa Senior High na ako.

I was in a. . . seriously studying section, and my classmates were really good in academics. We were called the "cream of the crop." Dahil pa sa magagaling sila, I always had the feeling of not being good enough.

I had friends in our section; however, hindi ko maiwasang malungkot. I never had that "real-closest buddy" in our section. Last year, I had, but she isn't here anymore. I think that's why masyado akong na-attach kay Abby. I don't want to say it, pero baka nabaling ang closeness namin ng closest buddy ko last year kay Abby. And I don't like the thought that it is happening.

Studies, friendship in school, pressure, and stress. Those were the reasons why I used to cry every night. Manipis na kung manipis, I thought. Hindi na ako mag-e-expect na mababago pa ang pananaw ng mga taong nagsabing manipis ako. I'm weak. That's the truth. But they will never be me, and they will never understand.

The car stopped moving.

"Stephanie," Maddie called. I looked at her, and I was shocked that I was lost in my thoughts. . . although I think I always am. Okay, staph na.

"Dear, labas na tayo," ang mahinang sabi ni Lannie, pero narinig ko ito nang maayos. "Nature's calling me, e."

May binigay na black na paper bag sa akin si Lannie, and the darkness of it made my hands excited to take it, although I knew that it was just containing my clothes. Sinilip ko ang mga laman nito, at nakita ko ang familiar kong blouse na ang design ay animal print. . . leopard print, to be specific.

"Grabe, hinanap ko pa 'yan sa bahay ninyo," Lannie smiled.

"Alam mo talaga ang gusto ko," I chuckled. "Very good, dear."

"Sabi ko kay Tita Michelle, pupunta tayo ng mall," Lannie giggled. "Pumunta nga naman tayo."

Damn. That made me cackle.

Lannie put her stark black sunglasses on, then she said, "Nandiyan din 'yong sunglasses mo. Wear them when we go out and when you're in those clothes. Baka may makakilala sa'yo."

Oh, so that is the purpose of the sunglasses for today, I said inside my head. Lumabas na kami ni Lannie ng kotse, and I was so damn ready being Cerulean. Now, I'm excited, and I don't know why.

---

Tiningnan ko ang reflection ko sa malaking salamin ng comfort room na pinagbihisan ko, habang nagro-roll ako ng long sleeves ng blouse ko. I stopped folding them when they reached my elbow. Grabe, I look like a different person, I thought while looking at my black pencil skirt. Hindi ko masyadong sinusuot ang skirt na ito. . . simply because I thought it doesn't fit me and I didn't feel confident.

I was in my ankle boots again. It's my favorite, duh, and Lannie knows it. I'm pretty sure that's her reason for picking this.

"Ano na, dear?" ang tanong ni Lannie sa akin, and she did her iconic posing again. "Let's go na?"

Kami lang naman ang nandito sa comfort room ngayon, kaya ganito siya ka-hyper. She was simple today—black off-shoulder, white skinny jeans, and black sneakers. Monochrome? She's gorgeous. You're damn lucky.

I wasn't in my mask yet para matawag ko ang sarili kong si Cerulean, pero I felt different. It feels like I'm not Stephanie, like I'm not the girl who feels pressure, but I still wish I'm good enough. . . kahit bilang si Cerulean lang.

"Let's go," I said.

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