i was writing out an explination to put in lightnings discord vent channel but ill put it here bc people are apparently concerned and it was definetly too much of an explination to put in one message
also everything said cheerfully in this is me coping, i genuinely wish this never happened and that my dad knew when to shut up and stop, mentions of sewerslide and dormancy, theres a tldr at the end of the chapter

TW for yelling and jumping out a window ig, also my dad is shit and abusive, so that (nothing physical)

also this is two thousand words of recounting a traumatizing event plus other random context bits soooooo
y e a h
definetly no pressure to read /gen

ok, so i was eating dinner
dad made pasta!
and somehow it came up that mum bought me hair die online and i'd be dying my hair with a temporary dye soon
cuz i want purple hair! :)*
i was just gonna do a little bit of my hair to see if i liked it and to test the colour and everything
but my dad BLEW TF UP

he basically ranted for an entire hour about how this was 'conscerning' and i was doing too many things like this and i needed to do things that make 'regular people' happy like make the bed and get up early and take a shower when i wake up when HE dosent even do half those things he listed because he's a fooking night owl and i probably am too because even though im tired all the time i like night-time better

anyways he just keeps being angry and going on and on about how this is a terrible idea and that 'this is permanent' even though the dye literally goes away in a month if you stop putting in the conditioner TT

he said that people go bald because they want to sometimes and that ok
and i fucking go AND WHATS THE DIFFERENCE WITH HAIR DYE??? its the same amount of permanence! nothing is 'permanent'
if shaving your hair is alright then so is fucking dying it, he's a fucking hypocrite!

so, obviously, im feeling rejection sensitivity REALLY badly, so i start crying because i feel unaccepted, i tell him that this is stupid, and i run off to my room

he comes into my room to follow me even though im hysteric and nonverbal and feeling like crap, because he wants to 'talk some sence into me'

at this point im having an autistic meltdown, because im overstimulated by existing let alone being yelled at and ridiculed for just wanting to temporarily dye a little bit of my hair purple because i want purple hair and i think it'd make me happy, not that i think it'll cure my depression or something, because thats just not how it works, just that i think i'll feel a bit more like myself with a bit of my favourite colour with me
purple makes me happy

as im autistic and nonverbal and upset, when he comes into my room, MY fucking safe space, I start just SHRIEKING and motioning for him to close the door and i tell him i need my computer to communicate by doing some mime-ing

i write him a message

i still have it:

I CANT FORM WOFDS RIGHT NOQ BECAUSE I AM UPSET ANSS SCREAMUmnG IS A QW@YA TO SHOW I APLEASE LEAVE MY ROOM UNTIL I AM ABLE TO FORM WORDS AND HAVE A MEANTINGFUN DISCUSSION ABOUT THIS

translated from angry me, it reads:
i cant form words right now because i am upset, and screaming is a way to show i am mad. please leave my room until i am able to form words and have a meaningful discussion

which is pretty fucking reasonable for being triggered so badly for something that is honestly not even a 'big deal'
(its a big deal to me, that's the point)

it turned into a mix of autistic meltdown and panic attack because this motherfucker took my computer barely after i alerted my mum to the slight context by a message reading 'daddy yeelled at me for wanting to die y hair'

did i mention that my dad threatened to pull me out of school if i dyed my hair? or that he said they'd probably kick me out for it. when they accepted all sorts of kids with different problems and are a great support system and a safe place and i feel genuinely loved there? no? yeah he says that again later too and it made me cry harder because its basically the same as telling your kid that no one loves them, definitely felt that pretty hard

so yeah, i get the brilliant idea to open my already fucked window, jump out, and run the five blocks to mums place

now my parents are on the phone fighting about this, i almost start prying off the screen to the window, but i chicken out and hide in the closet with my headphones because everything feels too loud and im scared ill get caught and hurt
and i knew if i tried to walk out the front door i'd be stopped and yelled at some more (even though my dad claims he would have let me, i know damn well if i told him it was this or jump out he would have just gotten madder and yelled at me like all the times I've admitted to being a sewerslidal bitch and he threatened me with therapy like it was a bad thing (i love my therapist))

so im in the closet, sobbing, trying to contact my tulpa tg
(we fought a little while back and he hasn't responded in a while cuz i wished for him to go d0rmant, I'm sorry for saying that, it was fucked up, all he wanted was the be recognised as a real person. he is. he is real if he says he is.)
but yeah, he didnt respond

so my dad comes in again even though im still having a meltdown and stimming to try and calm myself down in my little new dark safe space, but he opens the door and keeps talking because he wants both me and my mum to hear this because he loves to say stupid hurtful shit

he keeps talking about how this is a terrible idea and claims he never said i 'couldnt do it' even though everything he's said before was about how my life would be ruined if my hair was purple because people would judge me and i wouldnt get accepted to college and jobs...

im a minor, im in high school, i have YEARS to go before i'm an adult ffs
mum just wanted me to be able to try things out and have fun as a kid

finaly i get to close the door again, i keep screaming and trying to contact tg, no responce
i quiet down after a bit
i was having trouble breathing

i get my jacket and put another pair of socks on over the ones im already wearing

climb up onto the desk over the paperwork and clothes, open the window, leave the blinds in place, peel the broken screen back and put it between the spinny chair and the desk, look out the open window

pipes on the ground over the rocks that make a border between my house and the grass

i turn around and lower myself out the window, im muttering to myself about how stupid it is, i find a ledge, cant reach the bottom of the lower window, the light cover is plastic and unstable, no other handholds, turn to the side, hype myself up

jump

and holy shit did landing hurt!

i dont reccomend jumping out a window on the seccond floor tbh
but i now believe that every sewerslide scene involving jumping off a building is correct because damn it humans are delicate asf TT

i fall forward onto my hands after landing, i thought i landed pretty well, but my feet hurt like hell, no cuts or anything like that, and i landed on grass too

so anyways i CRAWL my ass over to one of the wooden poles that hold up our upper deck and and stand up and ykw it hurts like hell but adrenaline says BOOK ITTTT

i run out to the street, cross, run to the bigger street, manage to pass a few people without getting found out for now having any shoes

and i make it half way to my grandmas and mums place when sirens start up in the other direction

im convinced they've already figured it out, and called the cops on me, and i hate the cops! >:<

so i start up running again and i run all the rest of the way, crying and telling myself 'i am kiki and I'm going to my mum because she loves me more than my dad and ill be safe'
no kidding i said that shit alloud on repeat to comfort myself

i made it down a gravel driveway in only socks, made it to home, real home,

safe home, grandma lets me in, i tell her no touching a few times (she has trouble hearing and was trying to comfort me, it was ok)
so i throw off my jecket and lie on the floor

my dad didnt even know i'd run away until i got inside

mum hung up eventually and i got a good hug when i asked for it

fr my brain was on loop saying 'you are loved' through that entire hug

abusive parents are weird though, the entire time i was laying down in that carpet calming down, my dad was talking about how i was going to get institutionalised even though ive said that was terrible
(he argues that i was happy when i came back after not having my computer for three days. wasnt happy. i was excited to see my friends, i was relaxed because i hadnt been around my fucking abuser for a record time with the promise of being safe. i have nightmares about going back without my friends and all the nice people are replaced by my dad, making it so much worse)

and he was talking about how this was unacceptable, and he was talking and talking about how this behaviour is bad and all
im disabled ffs
mental disabilities anyone?
its literally wired into me, its not my fucking fault :/
i cant mask when im triggered and angry and tired and sick! TT

life lesson: abusive parents are shit, you jump out a 2 story building only to hear your dad on the phone yelling about how he's going to make you go back there (mum talked him out of it bc ofc she did shes my fooking hero)

anyways, yea, mum helped me get up and get pain meds and shower off the dirt from landing in wet ass grass and let me listen to an audio book about space on her computer while icing my ancles in bed

she's nice to me

i love my mum

i am loved

i am safe :)

TLDR: dad yelled at me for hours on end about wanting to die my hair purple, i had an autistic meltdown and panic attack and jumped out the second story window because every time i found a new safe space it was opened up and made unsafe again and i felt trapped and needed to get out, i ran five blocks on probably sprained ankles to get to my mum
which, honestly isnt much more information than i gave in the announcement, like, i think it was a pretty good simplification ig ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
yeah, my therapist will be hearing about this...
(i swear the goal was not to injure myself, this sucks ass, i just needed to gtfo, though imo hurting myself and bleeding a little would have been better than jumping ffs)