Author's note: This is just something I wrote when I was really depressed and just needed to vent or just write something that would make me feel comforted, I guess, and this came out of it.

(Warnings: mentions of not wanting to be alive)

(Recently edited - 4/10/24)

Plot: Basically you're at a restaurant with the pjo cast friend group and you're with them and you're trying to enjoy yourself—key word: trying—but you're too distracted by the long list of worries making it impossible to relax. You let Walker know that you're going outside for a little bit and he offers to go with you when all you wanna do is curl up and cry on the parking lot curb.

Keynote: Y/n/n means 'your nickname'

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 I love hanging out with my friends, I really do. Especially if it's at a restaurant because, c'mon, the food.

But not when I have a list of things I need to worry about screaming like a loud siren in my head, drowning out the mere idea of enjoying myself.

Usually, it's one or two things.

But, this time, that's not exactly the case.

Off the top of my head, here's a few:

- I've had no motivation to get any school done so I've fallen behind (there's a shock)

- I haven't showered in what feels like forever

- I've had no motivation to brush my teeth or wash my face

- I haven't changed my bedsheets in a couple weeks

- I don't feel like I deserve to graduate from high school because of how often I kept falling behind because of lack of motivation (you can thank my depression for that)

- And failing at trying not to let all of these things bother me

And that's just off the top of my head.

There's plenty more waving for my attention as I fake a smile when I make eye contact with Dior from across the table, who's laughing at something Leah said.

I look around the table at the small group of incredible people I'm lucky to have as friends.

A depressing thought floats to the surface of my mind.

Deep down, I know I don't deserve to be a part of this friend group. I never did, I still don't, and I don't think I ever will.

The gut-wrenching realization squeezes my chest and makes my heart sink.

Glancing around at the group again, I eventually lock eyes with Walker, directly to my left, and automatically paste on a smile that barely manages to hide the pain masked by the forced upward curve of my lips.

"You okay?" Walker asks with a relaxed smile in return, completely oblivious to the world of chaos going on in my head.

I nod in assurance.

I realize I need to step away from this atmosphere and turn to inform Walker. "I'll, um, I'll be right back..."

"Where you going?" He asks with a slight frown of curiosity.

"I'm just gonna step outside for a few minutes," I assure him, trying to ease his likely growing suspicion. "It's kind of crowded and stuffy in here and it's a little overwhelming."

He nods in understanding. "I know what you mean."

I give him a polite smile and turn to leave...

...but it immediately tightens when Walker's next words reach my ears. "I'll come with you."

My heart plummets inside my chest, heavy dread weighing down on my already weary body.

I just wanted some peace and quiet and was really hoping to have a small crying session before returning back inside and pretending like nothing happened.

"Okay," I mumble neutrally, easily masking my unease with his decision.

After Walker and I climb over a couple people to get out of our seats and away from the table, Walker sweeps a hand in front him. "Ladies first."

I give him a plain smile, taking the lead as we head outside.

The second I'm met with a cool breeze against my face, a little tension's released from my heavy chest.

I take a seat on the curb, Walker doing the same.

Leaning my elbows on my knees, I stare out at the passing cars beyond the parking lot packed with vehicles.

If I were alone, now would be the perfect time to cry.

But I'm not alone, unfortunately.

Speaking of which, I glance over at Walker, who's sat to my right, my heart jumping slightly in my chest when we immediately lock eyes, making me wonder how long his attention's been fixated on me.

A very slight frown, a focused expression, rests on his face as if he's trying to read me like an open book. The only problem with that, though, is I'm a book constantly kept under lock and key. There's no "reading" me unless I let you.

"What?" I ask, trying to sound as genuinely ignorant as I can.

"Are you okay?" He speaks softly, his arms mirroring the same position as mine but he has his hands folded together in front of him. His brows lower an inch or two in concern when I don't answer immediately.

Genuine concern.

For a second, I consider telling him the truth...

It would be nice to confide in someone...

Then I laugh at myself for even thinking anyone would be willing to listen to what's bothering me.

"Yeah," I assure him in a chirpy voice—perhaps too chirpy, which I then inwardly cringe at and hope Walker's feeling more oblivious today than usual. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know," he shrugs, his eyes never leaving me. "You just seem...off."

"Gee, thanks," I chuckle, turning my gaze down to my hands, trying to laugh it off.

Like I always do when the conversation topic veers towards my personal life or anything that has to do with my feelings.

I realize after a second that my hands are trembling.

Pretty badly, too.

I'm praying Walker doesn't notice.

But, of course, he does.

He reaches over and rests a hand on mine, before his eyes dart up to meet mine.

"You're shaking, Y/n," he points out, his gaze growing increasingly more concerned. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, Walker, really," I attempt to assure him.

My chest grows tight, emotions resurfacing from where I swear I buried them deep enough suppress until I got back home.

I'm on the brink of snapping and releasing the ocean of tears I'm barely holding back.

Walker stares deeply into my eyes, still attempting to read me.

"Y/n," he repeats my name, his eyes softening when he seems to notice something in my eyes. "Seriously, what's wrong? I'm not kidding when I say I you're definitely not okay, so, you can stop trying to hide it now."

I lightly flinch, blinking rapidly as I my eyesight becomes blurry, tears bordering along the edges of my eyes.

"It's...nothing worth mentioning," I mumble, looking down to avoid his eyes.

Being the persistent guy he is, Walker's hand to rests on my shoulder in silent comfort and I turn to meet his eyes.

"Y/n," Walker says softly, his tone slightly warning. "I'm serious, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't care."

His eyes search mine again, his frown deepening in worry.

I bite my lip, looking down as I nod in acknowledgement at his statement.

"Y/n," Walker says gently, moving his hand to rest on my knee and giving it a reassuring squeeze, leaning forward as he ducks his head to try to catch my eye. "You can talk to me. I know it's easy to just bottle everything up but it's probably not healthy. It doesn't matter what it is, I don't mind listening if it means it'll help you feel better. Especially if it's bothering you so much."

That's when I reach my breaking point.

I feel my face crumpling in anguish as tears begin spilling down my face. I'm trying my best to hold back the torrent of cries and sobs rising to the surface of my throat.

"Hey," Walker murmurs softly. "Y/n/n, what's wrong?"

I bite down harder on my lip to try and stop the tears, my brows furrowing in sadness as I shake my head, my eyes still downcast.

Sniffling, I try to stifle the sobs crawling up my throat but one slips out.

I slap a hand over my mouth, my face scrunching in anguish, tears showering down my cheeks in hot, salty trails of despair.

"Y/n..."

The tone of his voice...the genuine care and worry and pain in that one word.

That's what finally breaks the dam entirely.

All hell seems to break loose as a string of sobs burst from my lips.

I curl over in pain, the ache inside my chest growing stronger with each shallow breath I stutter out.

Next thing I know, Walker's gently scooping me up into his lap, positioning me to sit sideways in his lap, carefully cradled against his chest.

"Shh," he hushes softly, using a hand to gently guide my head to lean on the curve of his shoulder, his other arm curling around my waist. "It's okay, Y/n/n, I got you. You're okay."

I bury my face into Walker's shoulder letting out the pain and misery that's been trapped and locked up deep inside me for too long.

"Just let it out, I've got you." Walker holds me tight to his chest, rocking lightly from side to side, sending warning glances to a few people that leave the restaurant, casting slightly judging looks towards us when they hear my despairing cries.

"I don't...I don't want...to be here anymore," I sob into Walker's chest once I can finally breathe a little better.

He peeks a glance down at me, deep sadness and slight confusion filling his facial features at my words.

"What? What do you mean, Y/n?"

"I don't want to keep going like this," I confess. "I can't live like this anymore...I just want to stop but it never does..."

"No, Y/n," he murmurs, curling his arms tighter around me. "Don't say that. Listen, I don't know what it is that's making you hurt so badly but...it's really, really hard to see you like this—especially since I had no idea, since you've somehow been hiding it so well."

"I've kind of gotten used to it, by now," I mutter, sniffling against Walker's shoulder.

"Hey, don't say that," he utters gently, softly rubbing a hand up and down my arm. "You shouldn't be used to it, Y/n/n. It's not your fault that I—as well as everyone else too—haven't been caring about you as closely as we should be. I know it might seem hard to believe but we do want you here and we're happy you are. If it's any consolation, just know that I'm happy you're here, okay? I probably don't understand what it is you're going through, but I want to understand so I can help you. You don't have to be alone. And you're not alone—I'm here, and everyone else is too. We all want to help, and I'm sorry if it doesn't seem like that sometimes. And that's our fault, by the way, not yours."

I listen to his words, trying to believe them. It's odd hearing them coming from Walker. He just doesn't seem like the type to talk about these kinds of serious topics. He's always joking around and always strategically steering any conversations away from anything that might be too serious for him to be comfortable talking about.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, my hushed cries and sniffles the only thing filling the quietness in the air.

"Hey," Walker gently says. "You think you can promise me something?"

"Maybe..." I mumble with a sniffle. "Depends on what it is."

"You think you can promise me that the next time you feel like, I don't know, super depressed? You'll come talk to me first before doing anything about it. And you can talk to me, okay? I know I'm not really the kind of person you'd go to about these kinds of things but...I want to be here for you so you don't ever feel like you have to do everything alone. Seriously, just call or a text me or something."

His words sink in as I think about his offer.

"So?" He asks quietly, looking down at me and reaching a hand up to wipe a tear from my cheek with with one of his sleeves. "You promise?"

I think for a moment before answering.

"Walker, I don't want to be a burden to y—"

"Why would you be a burden to me?"

I slowly look up at him, surprised to see how glassy his blue eyes suddenly look.

Then, lowering my gaze, I let another wave of tears slide down my face to join the rest of them. "I'm a burden to everyone, Walker," I mumble. "My depression, my anxiety—they're both big burdens to not just me but everyone I care about."

"I didn't know you thought that..." he whispers.

"They'll try to deny it but they don't even have to say it. I already know..."

"Know what?" Walker's voice is soft, hushed, almost as if he's afraid to hear the answer.

"At some point, I'm no longer even a person to them anymore..." I answer, staring brokenly into Walker's eyes. My voice catches as I explain, "I'm a problem."

He frowns sadly. "No. Y/n, you're not a problem."

"It's hard to see at first but, once you look closely enough, it's pretty blatantly obvious."

"But I don't think you're a problem."

I look up at him with a blank disbelieving expression.

"I'm serious, you're really not a problem to me. And I never even considered you as anything even close to one. If anything, you're pretty much the opposite of that. I mean, do you have any idea how easily your smile's probably made someone's entire day? Or how many times it's even made my day? Believe it or not, you mean a lot to so many people. Anyone that knows you should be very lucky to have a someone like you. I know I am. Also, I don't think it seems fair that you get to be everyone's problem..."

I frown, slightly confused. "'Get to be—?'"

"So, whether you like it or not," he announces to me—after purposefully interrupting me— in his non-negotiable voice as he closes his arms around me, tucking me against his chest, almost protectively, "you're officially my problem—no one else's."

Warmth blooms inside my chest when I hear the genuine stubbornness in his tone, and I've never been so grateful to have someone like Walker than I do now.

"So, back to my question from before," he says. "Do you promise?"

"I guess," I mumble after taking a few seconds to think about it.

"No, no, no," he corrects. "You know what they say, Y/n/n, you have to actually say it or it doesn't count."

That makes me crack a small smile. "Walker, nobody says that."

"They do, too! They say it on the news all the time, I'm sure."

"No, they really don't."

"Stop changing the subject, young lady!"

"Alright, alright," I finally agree with a light chuckle, barely getting out, "I promise—" before Walker interrupts.

"Cool. Now you're stuck with me." I can practically hear the grin on his face from the smugly satisfied tone in his voice.

I give a soft chuckle as he squeezes his arms around me, hugging me like you would a teddy bear.

For once, the emptiness in my chest actually fades away.

And despite the fact that I know it's only temporarily before it comes back again, I feel a satisfaction in knowing I won't be alone next time it does come back.

And even if I prefer being alone...

I have Walker.

And maybe that's not so bad.

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Author's note: Ummmm, yeah, that's it. Whenever I'm feeling really depressed or sad or just need some kind of comfort or reassurance, I just reread that. Anyways, thanks to anyone who read it and I hope you enjoyed it, have a great day/night, God bless, my pookies! 💗💋

PS: Just wanna give a special thanks to xictoriiaa for being such a literal sweetheart and being so supportive!! Go read her books, they're amazingggg!!!