TW: VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS ABOUT MENTAL HEALT AHEAD THAT COULD BE TRIGGERING TO SOMEONE.

"Are you ready?"

I tightened the straps of the backpack and stood, pulling the strands of hair escaped from the ponytail behind my ear.

"I am."

Hercules nodded and extended an hand, waiting for me to pass him the bag, and then hauled it in the backseats of the jeep. Nora, Cameron and Sean were the only ones in front of the house, the rest of the Silverblood pack still fast asleep. I couldn't bear the worry in Nora's eyes, so with a last wave in their direction, I hopped in the passenger seat. I watched from the rear-view mirror as the Silverblood Inner pack exchanged a few last words, but I tuned their voices out. My body was stiff, my mind a raging pit of confused emotions. The driver's door opened, Hercules' familiar scent entering the car. My muscles instantly relaxed, but my mind didn't follow. Even my wolf was restless, her anxiety mirroring my own. When the car's ignition didn't turn on, I glanced at Hercules, finding him already staring at me.

He noticed. Of course he noticed. He always did.

He knew me well enough to stay silent, but I could see the question in his eyes.

Are you sure?

I am, mine conveyed back.

With that, he started the car. To Alaska it was.

————

It was late at night when we finally stopped. We were deep in the Canadian territory, half the journey already behind us. My eyes felt droopy, and the stiffness in my lower back and legs was excruciating. If I was this tired, I couldn't imagine how exhausted Hercules must have felt. Werewolf stamina or not, he had driven all day long, with only a brief stop to refuel and eat. He shouldn't have been here in the first place - seen as the Silverblood pack would host the mating event in a couple of days - but he had insisted on accompanying me, at least until we reached the Alaskan borders. Then, I would be on my own. I was grateful for his company though. It kept me sane, anchored to the present, when my mind wanted nothing more than to wander back into the past.

Hercules cut the engine off while I scrutinized our accommodation for the night. From the outside, the motel wasn't much, but at least we'd have the opportunity to rest properly for a couple of hours. He could have asked the Canadian pack living in the Coastal Mountains to host us, but we mutually agreed on keeping this trip a secret. Until we had some answers, we couldn't trust anyone. Getting off from the car, I groaned, my knees popping in discomfort. Bending at the waist, I stretched my back and legs, welcoming the tingling sensation crawling up my stiff body.
I hauled our bags off the backseats and waited for Hercules to finish a little stretching of his own. He tried to pry them off my fingers, but I swatted his arm away.

"You've been driving all day long, leave them to me."

I opened the motel's doors to silence his retort. The man at the reception startled from his slumber, eyeing us from head to toe with sleepy eyes. I approached him with what I hoped was a charming smile.

"Good evening, we'd like to know if.."

"..there are some rooms available for the night," Hercules concluded.

I threw him a nasty glance, but he was looking at the receptionist with a friendly smile, all lips and barely no teeth. The man adjusted his glasses while studying us one more time, then checked the register.

"Only a double remains available for tonight."

Hercules' brows furrowed, wearing the expression he usually had when he was about to start arguing. I knew that expression well.

"That's perfect. We'll take it." I cut him off.

The receptionist still looked a little skeptical, but took the keys and showed us to our room. The forniture looked out of the 80's, but it was clean. The smell of lavender detergent was faint, but noticeable to werewolves' noses like ours. I closed the door behind us and found Hercules staring at the bed.

"What's the matter with the bed? We shared one multiple times. It will be fine."

He looked at me over his shoulder, dark circles starting to appear under his eyes.

"Yes, but.."

But. I knew what that 'but' implied. The last time we shared a bed, I was recovering from deadly wounds while he took care of me. The previous time..it had been the night I nearly marked him, when he was helping me through my Heat. Memories of sinful kisses, roaming hands and silky strands of dark hair through my fingers resurfaced and I closed my eyes, willing them to disappear. This night, it would be just us. But I wasn't afraid or anxious about sharing a bed with Hercules. I was ready to admit that I trusted him, and that I felt comfortable in his presence. Placing his duffel bag and my backpack on the ground, I approached him and looked straight into his eyes. I wanted him to know that it was fine, that I was fine with it.

"Go shower. You must be exhausted."

I nudged him towards the bathroom, but he didn't look away from my face. His gaze softened, the specks of gold in his eyes turning warm. He picked up his bag and disappeared in the bathroom. Alone, I sat on the bed, the tiredness of the journey weighting me down. But then, the realization of what I was about to do crashed down on me like a bucket of icy water. I was about to return to Alaska - the place that I had sworn I'd never set foot in again. The place where I had lost part of myself. But this time it would be different, or so I liked to think. I had changed. I was strong. And not alone anymore. As if he could hear my thoughts, Hercules emerged from the bathroom wearing a pair of shorts and a snug t-shirt, the shape of his chest and shoulders prominent under the fabric. He was drying his hair with a towel, the hem of the t-shirt rising to expose few inches of his ridged abdomen. He was so breathtakingly beautiful that the breath truly caught in my throat. I couldn't deny any longer that I was attracted to him: not only in a physical way- I had always found him handsome, even when I didn't want to admit it to myself- but even in the way that he was just...Hercules. He was a good male, and I had been wrong. And he was my friend.

I kept my shower brief, non wanting to be alone when my mind seemingly couldn't stop flashing past memories that were best left forgotten. Dressed in a tank top and a pair of sweatpants, I was ready to put an end to this day. Hercules was already in bed, typing something on his phone. My heart swelled when I saw that he had chosen the left side, the one nearest to the room's door. Just like he had done in the cabin back on the pack's grounds.

"Do I need to build a pillow fort or will you be able to keep your dirty paws to yourself?"

Hercules rumbled deep in his throat, throwing a glance at me crawling into the bed. His eyes were light despite their tiredness.

"I think the little raccoons on your tank top are begging me to be petted."

A soft laugh escaped me, and I switched off the lights, the room falling into darkness. Moonlight filtered through the thin curtains and I closed my eyes, burrowing further into the sheets.

"Goodnight Hercules."

I felt him place his phone on the nightstand.

"Goodnight Lara."

But for all I was tired, sleep escaped me. I tried to toss and turn as little as possible to not disturb Hercules, but I was restless. My body and mind were aligned in this fidgetiness, sleep positions that I usually found comfortable now left myself itchy and nervous. Even the sheets felt like cardboard on my body. I tried to focus on Hercules' breathing to relax, but to no avail. He was as awake as I was.

"Can't sleep?" I asked.

"No," came his reply, "not when you seem possessed by a horde of demons." 

"I'm sorry. I can try to sleep on the floor, I know you are tired."

I felt him move, his hand catching my wrist to stop me.

"Don't. It's fine."

The warmth on my skin disappeared when he moved his hand away. We stayed silent, darkness surrounding us, both of us unable to fall asleep. I was about to try to listen to some music when his voice broke the silence.

"Something on your mind?"

I swallowed at the tone he used. It was sweet and tentative, not prying and forceful. He was concerned, but still, he was worried his question  would cross the invisible lines I had drawn between us. But there was a lot on my mind. Ever since my encounter with the Healer, my nights had been plagued by nightmares and memories I wasn't able to control. I had always relied on myself when it came to keep my mind steady, but I was tired of doing it on my own. I was tired of feeling alone. I was tired of being alone.

"A thought for a thought?" I proposed.

"Ladies first."

I wasn't sure if it was the sense of security  darkness instilled- like a warm blanked masking you from reality - or the tiredness spurring me to talk, or the comforting presence of the kind male lying next to me, but the dam keeping my emotions at bay - the ugliest parts of me, the scars running deep in my soul, the demons that kept me awake at night - broke down.

"I'm thinking about the girl I was four years ago," I started, "I was human, and kind, and caring, and probably a lot more naive that I liked to think, but I was happy with the normality of my life. I had friends and family, a career path straight ahead of me. But then that girl died. Thrice. The first time- the night I turned. Part of me broke that day. I was left to deal with something I had no grasp on on my own. I thought I was going insane. I was alone Hercules, utterly alone. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because who would have believed me? None. Telling my tutors at the hospital would have landed me in the psych ward with a one-way ticket, ruining all my hard work of years. So I stayed silent, and endured that sense of 'not belonging' anymore on my own. The second time - at Alpha Abel's pack. I was naive and hopeful that, finally, I could have answers and maybe even...maybe I could belong again. But you already know how it went. I was shunned for something that didn't depend on me, for something that I didn't even choose, for something that was out of my control. And when he tried to rape me...part of my already scarred soul broke further. I was being punished for something I already considered a punishment.
The third time..." my voice broke down and I closed my eyes, listening to the erratic beating of my heart. "The third time," I resumed, "was when I tried to take my own life."

Hercules stiffened, his breathing stopping altogether. None knew about it. I had never spoken the words aloud, always kept them whispered between the barriers of my mind. But even if tears were brimming from my eyes, my heart felt lighter, as if saying it aloud removed the heavy weight that always pressed down on my chest. I felt free of the burden I had carried alone for four years, and I wasn't ashamed. I was ready to give voice to my demons, without judging myself.

"I was devastated. My life was crumbling under my feet, and I had no handles to keep me afloat. I was drowning, and I didn't know how to swim back to the surface. Or perhaps I didn't have the strength to. I don't know, but letting go felt easier than fighting. The sorrow and the loneliness...they were too much to handle. I was spent, the void in my chest consuming me inch to inch like poison. The battle against my mind was a battle I couldn't fight anymore. I had finished my weapons, and I felt utterly alone. Exhausted. Resigned. So one night I eyed my stitching-kit and.." I exhaled, memories of that night flooding through my eyes. I couldn't bring myself to say that aloud, but I knew Hercules understood what happened. "I watched as the slits clotted back together. I cursed the werewolf healing, but my wolf didn't want to let me go. She pushed the will to fight, to live, through our bond, just like she had done the night I turned. But even if she saved us, the girl I was completely died that night. I built walls so high around myself that even I wasn't able to climb. I was consumed by rage, and hatred, and pain. I let them consume me and my soul until there wasn't space for anything else. I was guided by them, blinded by them, conquered by them."

I touched my wrist, no scars under my pads. But the feeling of them was imprinted in my bones, in my mind, in my soul.

"And I have to apologize. I have been a bitch to you and the whole pack since the beginning. I was rude, and entitled, and I pushed you all away with a crudeness worth of the biggest asshole of the planet. For years I resented what I lost leaving the human life behind, not seeing the new opportunities that lay in front of me. For a new future. But I was scared. Scared of being shunned again, of not being enough again. But that fear shifted somewhere along the way, because I saw the way you treated your pack, the way they treated me, the way you treated me...and that fear slowly became hope, even if I failed to recognize it for what it was for a long time. The Silverblood pack gave me hope - you gave me hope - that I could belong again, if I wanted to. And I think I'm ready to say that I want to."

There. Every dark corner of myself was out in the open. But I wasn't scared. Not at all. I felt lighter, as if I could finally see the world through the right eyes, after having spent years looking at it through glasses made of hatred and rage.

"Would you look at me?"

Hercules' voice was soft, inviting. So I did. Despite his soft tone, he looked anguished, eyes shining with unleashed tears.

"Don't ever- ever- apologize for how you felt. Don't ever apologize for putting you first. You were scared, and it was your way of feeling safe. You had every right to feel and act in the way that you did. You were protecting yourself and you don't have to apologize for it. I should be the one apologizing. I acted like a possessive asshole, and I'm truly sorry for what it must have felt to you. It's just that...I grow up with tales of mates and both me and my wolf couldn't understand why you were rejecting us. But then I tried to understand. You wanted control over the choices of your life and the mating bond wasn't a choice to you. I can't even imagine how it must have felt to go through all that alone and.." his voice cracked, and I watched as a teardrop ran down his cheek. "And that girl perhaps died, but she's isn't gone. You're still kind, and caring, and selfless. You're the strongest person I know, Lara. You decided to help us even though you hated us and everything we represented. You chose to support us, despite everything you went through. You're here, ready to go back to a place that has been hell for you. You protected the pack twice, putting your life on the line, even if it wasn't your duty. You did that out of the kindness in your heart. So even if you can't see it - all the compassion, the benevolence, the kindheartedness you have in you, I can. And it amazes me every single day. You amaze me. Since the very first day."

My tears joined his own, running freely down my face. His words hit me deep in my gut. For once, I saw the truth in them. I saw myself painted by them, in a way I hadn't in a long time. The monster wasn't a monster anymore.

"And I'm honored- honored- that you felt safe enough to confide in me. Your demons don't scare me, Lara. They only prove how much courage you displayed in fighting them on your own, how much strength you had in climbing the ladder back to life by yourself. And I'm honored that the Moon Goddess - or fate, or destiny, whatever it was - felt that I was worthy enough of a soul like yours. Because it's invaluable."

Damned wolf. I was crying even harder now.

"You smooth asshole. I haven't cried in ages. Now I'll wake up with a roaring headache."

He chuckled and wiped away my tears with his thumb. I leaned into his hand, enjoying the warmth it provided.

"I'll buy you a strong cup of coffee tomorrow morning then."

His touch went away, and I dried the remaining tears with the hem of the sheets. My eyes felt droopy now, tiredness hitting me all at once. I truly couldn't remember the last time I had cried. But I still had a question.

"What's your thought?"

"Excuse me?"

"We said 'a thought for a thought'. What's yours?"

Hercules shifted under the covers.

"That now you look like the raccoons on your top. And it's kinda cute."

I chuckled and swatted him on the chest, but I was grateful for his attempt at lightening the mood.

"Goodnight Alpha ass."

"Goodnight ànthos mou."

I searched for his hand, interlocking our fingers. Then, I fell asleep.

——————-

For everyone who has struggled/ is struggling with finding their place in this world, you are heard. And valued.
Not everyone understands the kind of strength that it's needed to pick ourselves up from a dark place, but we do. And we must be proud of ourselves for trying again and again, day after day, even when we're tired of feeling tired.
Be proud of yourself.