the freshman had lost their nine point lead by the end of the game, and ended up tying with the blake bears. this mixed in with what we had done in their locker room, i was afraid charlie would implode. he had thrown a fit during the third period, and i could see that the stress of this place was starting to get to him.

i had been advised by riley to wait for charlie after the game. it wasn't my first choice of actions, but i needed to be his lackey, at least for a little bit. i couldn't stand being punished any more than i already was by simply going to this school. yes, it would provide me with great opportunities, but sometimes i wondered about the cost of it all.

charlie pushed open the doors that led outside, steam practically coming out of his ears. he was stripped down to his athletic shirt and pants; the ones we wore under our gear. he noticed me sitting on the bench, and just about lost his mind.

"i oughta ring your neck, you know that?" he came up to me, taking me by surprise, "you and your stupid fucking team."

i wasn't expecting him to talk to me at all. sure, that's what riley wanted, but if he had walked right past me i wouldn't have done a thing. sealing his fate with me, i gave him a fake smile.

"good to see you too," i replied, scooting over and gesturing him to sit down, "wanna talk about it?"

"hardly," charlie answered, but wanting someone to yell at, he decided it might as well be me, "what's your problem, anyways? we never did anything to you guys, and all you wanna do is make my life a living hell. our clothes, sawyer, really?"

i looked at him with sad eyes, truly feeling bad for the boy. i knew what i had done was wrong, and sure i felt bad about it. but when your victim was staring you in the face and allowing themselves to be vulnerable, it was tough not to spill my guts to him.

i wanted to tell him everything: how much i hated riley, the team, most of the people in this school, and how bad i felt for everything i've done so far. i wanted to tell him how sorry i am, and vow never to harm him or his team ever again.

instead, nothing of the sort came out of my mouth, "we're just messing with you, freshman. you know how it is."

charlie rolled his eyes, tired of whatever was going on between us, "whatever, sawyer. have a great day, okay?"

he began to walk away, and i wanted to let him. but i was under strict instructions to gain his trust, meaning he couldn't leave angry.

"you need to stand up for yourself." i called out to him, hoping that was just enough information to keep him around.

fortunately, boys are easy. he stopped in his tracks, deciding whether or not he wanted to listen to me.

"how?" he questioned, still refusing to turn around and look at me.

i smiled, feeling like i had accomplished something, "riley needs to be shown that you guys can't be messed with. get us back for what we did to you."

he pondered the possibility, but i could tell his suspicions were running high.

"why are you telling me this?" he asked, finally deciding to turn around.

it was a valid question, but it was one i knew was coming. if he had thought he could throw me off guard, he was wrong. i had answers for everything, whether they were true or not.

so paranoid about him finding me out, i had actually looked into acting techniques to keep me sharp. i didn't want to be doing this job, but if i had to i was going to do it right. i wasn't going to screw it up, for fear of what might happen to me if i did.

one of the main things i read about was a saying, living truthfully under imaginary circumstances. meaning, the closer to the truth the better. i could be honest with charlie, i just couldn't reveal the motive behind why i was doing it.

after a moment of silence, i decided to tell him as close to the truth as possible, "i like you, charlie. i think you're better than this. honestly, riley needs a reality check. he needs someone to put him in his place, and i think it should be you."

charlie stared at me, trying to decide if he believed me. i understood his apprehension, but i wasn't going to leave without knowing i had gained his trust.

"why can't you do it?" he asked finally, taking a cautious seat next to me.

i resisted the urge to laugh in his face, "are you joking?"

"i'm not." he replied, waiting for me to give him an honest answer.

"fine," i answered after a moment of realizing he wasn't going to let it go, "you ducks are braver than me, okay? i've already established my status as his push over, but you guys... you can actually change things around here. i believe that."

charlie was clearly affected by my words, and i knew my goal had been accomplished. i was sure he could've come to this conclusion himself, but it helped that i was there to move him along.

"you're not like them, you know that?" he said, actually managing to surprise me for the first time in this conversation, "i mean, you're a good person. thanks."

i nodded, but couldn't find it in myself to respond to that. mostly because i knew it wasn't true. maybe it was to him, but i knew better. suddenly feeling overrun with guilt, i stood up.

"i better go," i let out a deep breath, taking a look around, "don't want anyone to see."

"course," he replied, standing up with me, "see you around school."

•

my peace was almost entirely disturbed as scooter walked into my room without so much as a knock. i had been trying to take a nap, but all hope was lost as he turned my light on and slammed my door shut.

"hey," he spoke, barely looking at me as he took a seat at my desk, "did you do the criminology homework?"

i rolled my eyes, making no effort to get up or reply. i simply gestured to the stack of papers on my desk, willing him to take a look.

he began to flip through the papers, but immediately dismissed the task for mindless chucking, "okay, fine, sawyer. you got me! i'm not actually here to ask for homework."

knowing that he was just waiting for me to call him out, i sat up with a great amount of heaviness. i wasn't particularly interested in what he had to say, but it was clear he really wanted to say it. being the good friend i am, i gave him what he was asking for.

"what's up, scooter?" i asked, attempting to brush the hair out of my face.

i could feel how crazy it looked, but made no effort to remedy the situation. after all, scooter had seen me at far worse than just bed head. last year, he helped find one of my teeth that had been knocked out during a particularly rowdy playoff game.

the smile slowly faded from his face as he revealed why he had come to my room, "i just wanted to know if you're- like, okay with all this duck stuff. you know, okay with riley making you do this?"

i sighed, honestly wishing i had better news for him. however, we both knew that this was the kind of position that would've driven both of us mad. i tried not to think about it too much, but part of me felt entirely unnerved.

i spend half of every day wishing i could be better person and make different choices, and the other half of the day just trying to forget my moral ambiguity. every time i thought i could be better and start to stand up for myself, he dragged me back down.

"i don't know," i answered finally, giving scooter a contempt look, "i guess i don't really have a choice."

it was the easiest cop out answer i could give. i wanted to offer scooter a true and vulnerable conversation, but part of me was scared to speak my thoughts into existence. scooter had been my best friend from the very moment i joined the warriors, but this was just something i needed to grapple with myself.

"yeah, i guess that's true," he replied, giving me a sad smile, "sorry, sawyer. this is like the craziest thing he's ever done by far."

"yeah, fucking tell me about it." i rolled my eyes, letting my back hit the mattress.

scooter stared at me from my desk, likely trying to think of something to say.  it was a tough position, definitely one of the harder ones i had been put into.

"it's just-" i sat up abruptly, deciding to give him some explanation, "my parents sent me here for better opportunities, you know. i just wanted to play hockey, get a good education, and then go to a good college. i guess i just didn't think it would be like this-"

"partying without me?" riley stormed into the room, jumping onto my bed.

i quickly scooted over, hoping to avoid the hundred and seventy pound man who was springing into my personal space.

"only way to do it." i replied quickly, sharing a laugh with the pair of boys. scooter and i shared a mutual wide eyed look, hoping riley hadn't been clever enough to press his ear against the door. the last thing i needed was him checking on my private conversations.

i was still mad at riley for what he had made me do, but holding a grudge had never been my strong suit. not to mention, staying angry at riley was really only a target placed on your own back. i decided to give it a rest for the time being.

"funny and cute!" riley exclaimed, slapping my leg playfully, "so glad we keep you around."

i rolled my eyes, opting to lay back down. i was still very tired and was going to rest, whether the boys were there or not, "is there an end to this little hangout sesh anytime soon? i'm trying to get some shut eye."

riley chuckled, slapping my leg playfully, "sure, doll. as soon as you tell me what happened with captain duckie earlier."

i let out a sigh, thinking this was something i could discuss later. after an evening of wallowing in my own self-pity, i thought i could sleep it off. apparently this wasn't what riley had planned for us.

"uh..." i trailed off, trying to figure out which details to leave out, "we just talked. he was pretty pissed, but he cooled off. i just told him to stand up for himself."

riley gave me a narrow eyed look, "and this worked?"

i shrugged, unable to give him a direct answer. i had no idea if charlie bought into my bullshit or not, but i guess i didn't want riley thinking it was iffy.

"it seemed to. he said i was a good person." i answered, the reply leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

riley laughed, "this is amazing! you're an evil genius, kid."

i stared at him blankly, unable to take the compliment. i knew he thought he was being nice, because that's the kind of thing he would have wanted to hear. but with the knowledge that i was nothing like him, it wasn't as easy for me.

"can i go to bed now?" i questioned, standing up and walking over to the door, "goodnight, boys."

i held the door open for them and they slowly filed out. once they were finally gone, i jumped back into bed and resumed my pity party.