i sat in between scooter and adam, listening to them talk about some hockey game that had played on tv last night.

i stared at the lunch table blankly, having nothing to add to the conversation. though i loved to play the sport, i never watched the games.

"hey," riley leaned over the table to talk to us, "lucas is throwing a party tonight, and i demand you all show up."

i rolled my eyes at the name, and groaned, "what did i do to be treated this way?"

adam gave me a confused look, having no familiarity with the name,"who's lucas?"

"captain of the football team," i answered, watching distastefully as cole snatched the lunch of the figure skater,"kind of a total dick."

cole tossed the chips in my direction and i caught them, tossing the back to the poor boy, tired of letting him get treated like that. just for one day, i wanted him to be able to eat his lunch in peace.

"but his parties are great." riley argued, like that was some sort of consolation.

"his parties are fine," i corrected him, causing to state at me intensely, something that always wore me down quickly. i let out a huff, crossing my arms over my chest,"do i really have to go?"

"i'd really appreciate it. and so would lucas," he added with a smirk,"he's been trying to get me to set you two up."

"wait," adam held his hand up, looking completely confounded,"aren't you dating scooter?"

scooter and i let out an obnoxious laugh, finding the thought of us being together funnier than we probably should have. at the very most, scooter was my brother, i just couldn't imagine ever seeing him like that.

"no, never," i answered after my laughter had ceased,"we're just friends."

adam nodded slowly, clearly embarrassed about the misunderstanding.

"yeah, she's disgusting." scooter answered, causing me to gape my mouth open in offense, and hit his shoulder.

"we're straying from the point, here," riley interjected, annoyed that we had gone off topic, "we're all going to the party, no exceptions, and sawyer should i tell lucas you're interested?"

i let out another laugh,"god, i didn't know there were so many comedians at this table."

riley rolled his eyes,"come on, he's a nice guy."

adam eyed me for a moment, the reason for which he had decided to do that, i have no idea.

"i don't...care," i answered, annoyed that these guys were always trying to set me up,"i hate whenever you guys do this, because you always pick shitty guys. if you're gonna try and set me up, at least let it be someone good."

scooter gave me a look of offense, knowing that he had been doing his best cupid impression in reference to setting me up with adam.

though, i subtly tried to ignore that fact, not wanting adam to be keyed in on that information. scooter was actually doing some pretty good work, and i was proud of him, i just couldn't let anyone see my playing cards.

"what's better than the captain of the football team?" riley asked incredulously, unable to understand the fact that i didn't just date for status.

his girlfriend is the captain of the cheerleading squad, and he's the captain of the hockey team, so he automatically assumes that everyone dates simply as a power move. but that just wasn't me.

"someone i actually like," i responded, tired of discussing this,"i'll go to the fucking party, but tell lucas it's a no from me."

he rolled his eyes, but nevertheless dropped the conversation, looking up just in time to wave to his girlfriend.

"be ready by eight." riley said, standing up along with cole to steal charlie's lunch as well. he, the bash brother, and russ walked to us right in knick of time.

"oh, come on, my mom made me brownies!" he whined, crossing his arms over his chest.

i knit my brows, as the bash brother added, "yeah, fresh, warm ones."

"hey, that's too bad about your bash brother," riley told them,"heard he was too scared to leave home."

the enforcer sneered,"portman's not scared of nothin'."

i nodded, deducing that since 'portman' was the one who stayed home, that made this boy fulton, i believe. i would verify that with adam later, but i was pretty sure i had just learned another name.

cole pulled out a green mess of something i could smell from here,"what the hell kinda brownies are these?" he asked, looking at them quizzically.

charlie looked like he was seconds away from bursting out laughing, as he told us,"i gotta tell her to stop using the horse turds in the recipe."

my mouth gaped open in disgust, as cole threw the shit onto our table and riley screamed,"get em'!"

we quickly shoved out of our chairs, running after the group of boys. i wasn't sure how i could have helped, but i knew i definitely didn't want to be in that room any longer.

•

i sat at the bus stop, waiting to go to my parent's house. i stared at the envelope in my hands, not sure what to do while i waited.

i knew i had to go to lucas' party, but that was later tonight. i had plenty of time to get there and get back.

i felt someone sit down next to me and turned to see our resident captain duckie.

he glanced over at me and groaned,"oh, god, it's you."

i rolled my eyes, stating sarcastically,"well, is that how you get all the ladies?"

"i don't want you." he replied, immediately hurting my feelings.

i let out a breath, shaking my head,"wow, my self esteem did not need to hear that right now."

he eyed me for a moment, deciding on whether or not he should apologize. but he didn't seem exactly in the mood to do that.

"what are you doing at the bus stop?" he asked, choosing to change the subject entirely.

"well, if you must know," i started, glancing around to make sure no one from varsity was around to see me talking to him,"i'm doing my weekly venture to my parent's house to slip money in their wallets."

charlie laughed, seeming to think i was joking, "are you serious?"

i shrugged, not seeing what was so funny,"they won't take it unless they pretend i didn't do it. this way, they get their money, and they don't have to feel bad."

he stopped laughing, starting to feel like maybe i was a real person, and not some varsity drone,"that's really nice of you, actually."

"yeah, don't get used to it," i replied, looking away from him,"i'm not allowed to be nice to you."

he rolled his eyes, looking up at the sky in disbelief,"don't tell me you're gonna listen to riley. he's a total prick-"

"he's my friend." i corrected charlie, which surprised me. i had never been in the business of calling riley 'my friend' behind his back, and i wondered where that had come from.

"that doesn't make him a good person," charlie argued, taking a moment to pause and look me up and down,"just like you being friends with him, doesn't make you a bad person."

i stared at the ground, not sure what to do in this situation. i really wanted to be nice to the cute, seemingly charming, boy that sat right next to me. but i just couldn't.

"i'm not a martyr, charlie," i told him, biting the inside of my cheek,"i'm not gonna be nice to you in public, and i'm not gonna stand up to riley, because it's things like that that'll get me killed."

"and a martyr would do those things?" he questioned, chewing on his lip.

"in a heartbeat," i answered, feeling guilty that i knew what kind of person i wanted to be, but that i couldn't execute it. i wanted to be the kind of person who isn't afraid to lose everything, but i am. and no boy could change that,"tomorrow when school starts, i'm gonna be mean to all of you. and i'm sorry, i wish that wasn't the case, but that's just how it works."

he let out a disappointed sigh,"why does it work that way? i mean, why does it have to?"

i shrugged, throwing my hands up in exhaustion,"i don't know, man, that's just how it is. i don't try to question the teachings of the eden hall social hierarchy."

"well, maybe you should," he started, causing me to scoff,"i mean, come on, do you ever do anything you actually wanna do?"

i let out a deep breath, trying to think of the answer. i didn't wanna be mean to the ducks, i didn't wanna go to the movies the other night, and i definitely don't wanna go to the party tonight. so, when do i do what i wanna do?

the bus pulled up and i smiled, glad for the opportunity to remove myself from this conversation,"um, that's my cue, i better-"

"yeah, yeah, get outta here." he waved his hand dismissively, seemingly upset that our heart-to-heart was over.

i eyed him for a moment, fighting the urge to hang back and spill my guts.

"bye, charlie." i answered finally, stepping onto the bus, and closing off the vulnerable part of my life.

i knew i would never speak like that to him again, and it would probably be the last time we were even civil.

it saddened me, because i felt like maybe we could actually be friends in a different life. but this is the life i'm stuck with, and in this life, my friends are mean to people who don't deserve it.