CW: conversations and slight details of suicide and mental health problems. if you wish to skip this chapter, I will happily send you an overview of the chapter. 

Nathan Fields.

When my eyes flicker open, I'm greeted with the sharp, burning pain in my left shoulder that I've become quite familiar with in the past three days.

Eventually, the sharp pain will dull into a subtle ache, but unfortunately, for now, until I recover more, I won't get that pleasure.

"You okay, baby?" Iris mumbles in a sleepy daze.

"Just sore, don't you worry," I clench my jaw as I sit up in bed, "The girls will be home in an hour, I'm going to run the bath; would you like to join me?"

"I, um, yeah," she blinks her eyes open, leaning on her elbow to lift herself, "Is there enough room?"

"More than enough; we could fit Bailey in there with us if he were here," I joke, knowing he would jump in without an invitation anyway.

"Oh, I'm so excited to have him back; it's been so weird without him and the girls."

"It has," I agree; the house doesn't feel the same.

"You stay in bed; I'll run the bath," she offers, going to stand, but I shake my head.

"I may need assistance getting into it, but I'm more than capable of turning on the tap," I assure her before adding, "And unless you can pee for me, I need to go in there anyway."

She sits back against the headboard, putting her hand on her bump with a sigh, "I look like a balloon."

"You do not; you look incredible," I insist, putting my hand beside hers, "Good morning, babies."

Within seconds, I feel a kick against my hand coming from baby A in Iris' lower bump, which makes her giggle, "This baby particularly loves you, they always kick when you speak to them. Baby B however is still asleep, I think."

"Lazy baby," I hum, rubbing over the top of her bump, receiving nothing in response, "So stubborn."

"Go run the bath for us, I need to pee too," she looks up at me, batting her lashes, "You love me."

"I do," I quickly peck her lips before finally getting out of bed, clenching my jaw at the radiating pain throughout my shoulder.

Fingers crossed I should be healed by the time the twins make their appearance, so I'm able to help Iris with them how a father should. For now, I have to cope with a needy toddler who's reliant on me and isn't going to understand that daddy can't pick her up, nor can Iris because of the babies. I've been mentally preparing for the tantrums since the second I got injured.

Once I've peed, I twist the tap and the water begins to fill, slowly but surely. My bathtub is without a doubt my favourite thing about this house. Due to the high-intensity sport I play, lying in a bath after a game is a necessity. There are different jet settings that I usually play around with, but because Iris is joining me, we need to have it plain and simple to keep her safe.

"I still can't believe you never showed me in here; not only do you have a double closet, but you have two sinks in here, as well as a hot tub," Iris walks into the bathroom, and I laugh, turning in her direction as she takes a seat on the toilet.

"I can only apologise," I should have shown her in here sooner, but despite what she promised, she wasn't at all ready at the beginning.

My girl spooks like a horse, but I have the most patience in the world, especially when it comes to her.

"How's your shoulder feeling?" she asks, tilting her head sympathetically.

"It's very sore still, I'm going to take some painkillers after the bath. Speaking of, I'm not sure how we're both getting out of this," I point to the deep water.

"I'll get out first," she says like it's simple and she doesn't now struggle to get up from the sofa, "Stop worrying, we will all get out uninjured, I promise."

When the bath is full and at a safe temperature for Iris, I brace myself for the taking off of my sling; something we're both terrified of.

"I don't want to hurt you," Iris gently pulls the velcro apart, allowing the strap over my neck to loosen, "Don't move and keep your arm in that position, baby."

She carefully removes the sling from my left arm, taking her time and once the black fabric is off completely, she lets out a large sigh of relief.

"There we go," I feel much better with my arm free, even if it's for a mere thirty minutes.

"You say it like that was so easy, I'm genuinely sweating from the stress," she says with a laugh, lifting a shirt of mine over her head that she's stolen to sleep in.

Once we're both undressed, Iris helps me into the side of the bath closest to the tap, so my injured shoulder isn't near the wall, and she follows after, settling in front of me.

"Oh, this is nice," she whispers, rubbing her hand over her bump, "It's even woken baby B up."

"It is; I'm glad you've all joined me, it would have been lonely in here otherwise."

"How is your shoulder feeling?" she asks me.

"Quite stiff and very sore, I just want to be able to move it and sleep comfortably without worrying I'm going to hurt it," I look down to see that the bruising has started to spread, "The water is nice though, it helps."

"It's helping my back," she nods in agreement.

"We should do this more often."

"I doubt Bailey will let us do so alone, he'll be either watching our every move or trying to join us in here. He's already jumped in the pool outside in the dead of winter," she laughs at the memory. I'd let him in the garden while I dished up dinner, but when I went to call him in, I found him swimming in the pool, just days after the snow had cleared.

"I love that dog so much," I sigh.

"Me too, he makes us whole."

A dog for our family is what we needed; he's helped us all so much already, I just wish I'd realised sooner. There's only one Bailey, though, and he chose us.

✯✯✯

"Daddy!" my girls race through the front door, my mom following behind them with Bailey.

"Hey, guys, I've missed you all so much," I open my free arm and within seconds, they're hugging me, Nova included, clinging to my leg.

My mom lets Bailey off the leash and after a quick sniff in greeting of me, he goes to find Iris in the bathroom where she's getting dressed. The girls follow me into the living room and as soon as I'm sat, Nova climbs into my lap, and her sisters sit either side of me.

"I'll get started on some lunch," mom happily walks into the kitchen, leaving me with my daughters.

"You don't have to, mom; we have it covered."

"Are sandwiches okay?" she grins.

"That'll be perfect, thank you," I happily agree; there's nothing better than my mom's sandwiches.

"Daddy, are you in pain?" Addie asks, pressing her finger against my black sling before I can say yes.

"I am a little bit, baby, which means you can't touch this or my arm until it heals and I feel better," I gently remove her hand before she hurts me accidentally.

"Sorry," she whispers, her smile still big.

"How long do you need to wear it for?" Elise asks, concern written all over her face.

"Two weeks hopefully, the doctor will tell me if I need to continue wearing it when I next see him."

"I'm really glad you're okay, dad," she smiles.

"Me too, darling," I kiss her forehead.

"Ouch," Nova whispers, pointing at the shoulder and I chuckle, looking down at her, "Daddy, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay, baby," I hold her tighter.

There are no words to describe how much I've missed them the past three days; it's the longest I've spent away from them.

Bailey's paws pad across the hardwood floor, announcing his arrival into the main area, with Iris following close behind him I can only imagine.

Nova gasps in my arms, looking over and when she spots Iris, she yells, "Mommy here too!"

A silence flows between everyone at the outburst and only when Elise runs off to her bedroom, do I react.

"Will you sit with Nova and Addie while I speak with her?" I ask Iris, and she nods with a sheepish smile.

When I pass the kitchen over to Elise's bedroom, I hear Iris ask the girls, "Hey, how was it at grammy's?"

Allowing Elise the decision to do this on her terms, I knock on her bedroom door instead of going in there uninvited. After ten seconds of nothing back, I mutter, "Can I please come in?"

Another ten seconds pass by until finally, she opens the door and leaves it open for me to walk in. She doesn't speak, nor look in my direction until she climbs into bed and pulls her knees up to her chest, "I'm sorry for running away, I shouldn't have. I just miss mom."

"You don't have to apologise," I assure her, taking a seat on the edge of her bed, "I miss your mom too, El, so much."

"I hate it," she wipes at her eyes, and the sight of my daughter crying has my heart aching in my chest, "I keep forgetting about her and I hate that so much."

"What can I do to change that? You don't like it when I bring her up," I gently say.

I have celebrated Lucy's life after death and will do so always, in the hope that the girls will never forget her and they know who she was. Elise stopped wanting to talk about Lucy almost a year ago and every time I brought it up, she excused herself from the conversation, so to find out she has started to forget her, hurts a lot.

"Because remembering her hurts too much, dad, she just died and left us," she shakes her head, "I thought it would be easier forgetting, but it feels so much worse."

"Mom loved you with everything in her, El; she didn't die because she didn't love us," I hope she knows this, I've told her so before, but I can't say she believes it, "Do you remember how I told you she wasn't well and she was really hurting? She did what she thought she had to do, she didn't even think how it would hurt us and I wish I could take this pain from you, baby, I really do."

Some parents may sugarcoat a death, but there was no way to sugarcoat it with Elise. She was only five and she asked so many questions that it was easier to tell her the truth than make up a lie. When she is older, she will get more answers, but she knows her mom made herself die and that it was because she was unwell. She doesn't need to know more than that, not for years yet.

"I look like her, right?" she asks me.

"Exactly like her, I have many photos for you when you are ready to see them," I tell her.

"I'd like that," she nods, "I really don't want to forget mom, but I also don't want to ever upset Iris."

"You haven't upset Iris, she is worried for you more than anything," I don't have the ability to read minds, but Iris wouldn't have taken personal offence to Elise leaving like that, "Talking about your mom won't upset Iris either; she knows how special mom was to us, baby and she will never replace that for you."

"But what if she does?" she asks, looking at me with tears in her eyes, "What if I find myself calling her mom too like Nova and I forget about mom altogether?"

I shake my head at her words, "First of all, no one will let you forget mom and if I knew you were starting to, I would have spoken to you sooner about this. Secondly, you don't have to call Iris anything if you don't want to; Lucy will always be your mother, Elise. Nova hardly got to meet her and Addie was only two when she died, it's different for your sisters."

"I love Iris though," she weakly smiles, "She is the nicest person I've ever met and I know you love her too, dad, don't lie to me about that."

"I never lie," I gasp, faiging offence.

"You so do," she scoffs.

"Then yes, I love her," I admit to my almost nine-year-old daughter, "She's amazing, isn't she?"

"She really is, and that's why I'm worried I'll end up calling her mom like Nova did; she's amazing with us. When you were at work the other night, she stayed in here with me to watch TV until I was asleep."

"If you ever wanted to call her that, you can, but you don't have. Mom wouldn't be mad, El," I assure her.

"I know," she whispers, "Iris made the babies kick so I could feel them the other night by the way."

"It's a bit weird, right?" I chuckle, which makes her laugh with a small nod, "Please speak to me in future, El, I'm your dad, I'm supposed to protect you."

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Don't be sorry, you dealt with your emotions how you thought you had to, but please don't ever shut me out again, you're my baby girl."

"I'm almost nine," she points out.

"You were my first baby, Elise, which means I will always see you as so," I explain.

She smiles and wraps her arms around my waist, being careful of my shoulder, "I love you, dad."

"I love you most," I kiss her forehead before she pulls away, "Shall we go see Iris? She's missed you."

"Yeah, me too," she nods, shuffling off her bed.

Lunch is ready when we walk out of Elise's bedroom, our sandwiches waiting on the kitchen island where everyone is eating.

"I'm sorry I ran off, Iris," Elise wraps her arms around her in a big hug, which warms my heart and takes Iris by surprise.

"You don't have to say sorry, sweetheart, I understand why," Iris replies, smiling at her.

"Hi, daddy," Nova smiles with pure innocence in her eyes and has no idea what her little outburst caused.

"Hello, baby," I share her smile.

Once lunch is over, my mom heads home and Iris proposes the idea to bake a cake, which I believe was her way of making Elise feel better about earlier.

Baking has always been something Elise loves, but before Iris moved in, we hardly ever baked because I can't say I'm the best. Now that Iris is here, it's rare we go a few days without freshly baked goods though.

A lot has changed since she moved in, but I can't pinpoint a single negative. Everything that has changed, even slightly, has changed for the good.

✯✯✯

With the girls tucked in bed and sound asleep, it's finally time for Iris, Bailey and I to do the same.

"Are we at all prepared for these babies to come, Nath?" she chuckles, climbing into bed beside me, "I think we are insane."

"We are," I agree, there's no denying that, "And they'll for sure make us go insane, especially at the beginning, but we will have each other throughout it all."

"We will," she nods, a smile growing with every second, "I can't wait to meet them, to hold them and to see who they look like."

"Just give us six more weeks, babies, then you can make your arrival," I will loathe myself and this injury more if they decide to come any earlier than that.

"The longer they're in here, the better."

"Did I ever tell you that Nova was born early?" I don't speak much about Lucy, so I doubt I have.

"She was?" Iris tilts her head in question.

"Yeah, Lucy went into labour at thirty-three weeks; it was genuinely terrifying," I had never been so scared; we thought we were going to lose her. "It's why Nova is so small for her age, she was supposed to be due in September but made her arrival in July."

"And she was all okay when she was born?"

"She was in the NICU for a week, she needed help with breathing and feeding, but she weighed a hefty four pounds when she was born. We were lucky," I smile, thinking back to how tiny she was, "It was only when we came home did things go downhill."

"With Lucy?" she whispers, propping herself up with a pillow underneath her neck.

"I found her in the bathroom with a noose around her neck three weeks after we took Nova home," I should beat around the bush, but there is no easier way to tell this story.

"You don't have to tell me, Nath," she takes my hand, rubbing gently over my knuckles.

"I need to," I will do anything in the world to avoid the same happening to Iris, "There were signs that she wasn't okay, but I stupidly had pinned it down to us both wanting to leave the relationship."

"That's not stupid, Nathan," she insists, but I shake my head.

"She wouldn't let me help with Nova; hell, she didn't even let me hold her. She was so protective, in a way she never was with Elise and Addison, she wouldn't even shower without Nova in the bathroom where she could see. Lucy completely shut me out and I was so confused as to why. Every day there was a new argument, she insisted I was doing and saying things I never had. There were so many signs of what she was going through, but I had no idea about the illness until it was too late," I sigh, looking over at Iris, "She had something called postpartum psychosis; it is the severest form of mental illness, there's a list of symptoms but the mains ones are paranoia, delusions and hallucinations. After reading her diary, I believe she suffered all three of those. She thought the only way out of the hell in her head was suicide. If I had just known, if she had just confided in me, things would be so different. She thought it was the only way though."

"Nathan," she whispers, quickly wiping her cheeks, in an attempt to clear the tears before I can see.

"I don't blame her, she was so lost in her head that there was for sure, no rationalisation. Lucy before giving birth to Nova, was not the same afterwards. I, however, did blame myself for a long time, the only way out of that hell was to go to therapy and get some professional help," I admit, "My biggest fear now is the same happening to you; I'm so fucking terrified, Iris."

"I promise to never shut you out, baby; you and I are like this," she crosses her fingers, "If I ever feel a certain way that doesn't feel normal, you will be the first to know. Lucy didn't know this was a thing, and neither did you; we both are aware, so we keep an eye out."

"You don't think it's irrational?" I worried it was.

"Nothing about this is irrational, you found the mother of your children hanging in your bathroom, Nathan," she says in complete sympathy, "You lost your best friend, she left you a single father to a newborn, a toddler and a six-year-old. Asking for weekly psyche tests wouldn't even be irrational."

I laugh, "Maybe a bit, babe."

"Maybe," she mumbles, "So, Lucy wrote down what she was going through?"

"She had left four letters, one each for the girls and one for myself, but she had also left me her diary; in the letter, she told me I could read it. The hardest of it all was seeing how fast she spiralled; one day she was writing about how happy she was to be leaving the hospital, and then the next page everything changed," I still have her diary, every single one, "She was never religious, but in the diary, she started to write about how God was speaking to her, that he was telling her to do and say things. He had convinced her that the devil was after Nova, and so to protect her, Lucy wouldn't allow any man near her, I included."

"Oh, that is just awful," she whispers.

"When I first read the letters, I didn't understand why she had done this, it wasn't until I read her diaries that it made sense. It was like she was lucid or something when she wrote the letters to us; like her sanity had come back just so she could say goodbye."

There are so many questions I have for Lucy that I'll never get an answer for, but with time I've found peace with an unknown because I've had to.

She did what she thought was best for us as a family, and what she thought she had to do. There is no denying how stubborn of a woman Lucy was, even if she had told someone, her mind wouldn't have changed.

"I just wish she had known that getting help was an option, that she didn't have to kill herself to escape the mental torture she was enduring," I would have done anything for her, I would have paid every penny I own.

"Nothing I am going to say will be the right thing because of how horrible this is, but Nath, I'm so sorry you had to go through this," Iris strokes my cheek, grabbing my attention, "The girls are so lucky to have had Lucy for the time they did, and you have done the most incredible job as an only parent since."

"I'm not the only parent anymore, baby; they have you as well now," I tell her, the fact of it loud and clear from Nova earlier today, "The girls will grow up knowing who Lucy was and the memory of her won't be tainted because I won't allow it. Elise ran off tonight because she was starting to forget her and she was scared she would do so altogether. She will always think of Lucy as her mother, but with Addison and Nova, there's no doubt that they don't look at you as theirs."

"It feels like I'm taking a title that shouldn't be mine," she admits and I frown, "I don't mean that I don't want it, I feel honoured that Nova and Addie see me as their mother, but I feel guilty now. Lucy is their mother, Nath, and me stepping into that role feels like I'm disrespecting her."

"If she was alive and in their life, then yes, that would be a conversation to have with them," I agree before adding, "In the letter, Lucy made me promise to fall in love with a woman and give myself to her wholeheartedly, in a way she always dreamt I would for her. She practically begged me to move on, to find a woman our girls would call their mother and Iris, she would have loved you, I do not doubt that."

"Are you sure?" she whispers, still on the edge, "I care a lot about what people think is all."

"I promise," I tell her the truth.

"I must admit, my whole life I've felt so lost, with no true plan in mind for my future. I went to college with no dream job or desire, which ended me working in a bar for years. I fell in love with the job; I miss it dearly, but until I turned over the test that told me I was pregnant, I didn't realise that being a mother was what I was meant to be. Being pregnant, watching your girls grow, it warms my heart, Nathan."

"They're our girls, Iris," I'll continue to tell her until it sticks, "When I eventually put a ring on this finger of yours, our girls will legally be half yours. No paper changes the fact though."

"You want to marry me, Fields?" she grins at me.

"One day, baby," I nod, having known exactly how I'll ask for months now.

She sighs happily, "You don't know how happy you make me."

"If it's anything like you make me feel, then I have a slight guess," I can't imagine someone experiencing a greater feeling than this.

"I love you, Nath; thank you for telling me everything tonight," she whispers.

"You don't have to thank me, Iris; you deserved to know what happened. And I'm going to love you back always," I say yet another promise, one that I'll die keeping.

~~~~~

A/N

I'm so proud of this chapter. It was difficult and long to write, but it was very needed. I feel very passionately about psychosis and unfortunately, postpartum mental illnesses are rarely spoken about. So, I hope this has brought light to the topic and educated at least one person unaware of it. 

Thank you so much for reading, we're into the thirties next chapter <|3