"The thick color of a rainy day in Seoul
I still can't fall asleep as I fade away
The rain stops and the reflection in the puddle
I see myself looking more miserable today
Even when this rain stops, when the clouds go away
I stand here, just the same
Without saying anything, looking at the world
There, a not so beautiful me is looking at myself"
Rain-BTS

"You did what you fucking idiot?" Yelled Jin, almost standing up on his couch as he screamed at Jimin through the phone.

The other man sighed, clearing his throat before stuttering.

"I-I threw money at her."

Jin couldn't believe it. His sweet Jimin. The one who still clearly cared for the girl, did something so degrading and hurtful. The man simply didn't get it. Especially after he watched his friend cry for hours after they "broke" up. They even talked about it, how it was Jeongguk's fault, with the way he manipulated her.

What happened to change all of that?

No matter what happened, no matter what difficulties, Jimin acted like he loved Celine enough to forget all of that. To forgive her, and remain with opened up. That was his personality.

Because Jimin wasn't the type of person, to give up.

And that's exactly what he was doing.

"What kind of disrespect, I didn't raise you to be this way?!" The elder responded, sitting back down on his couch with a huff. The man wanted to get the man inspected, to see if he was just an impersonator.

This isn't Jimin. My Jimin would never do that.

There was silence on the other end. Only the faint noise of a printer in the distance. The CEO must have been at work. That's all he seemed to be doing lately. He hadn't seen the rest of the friend group since last week.

Everyone was in a disarray anyways. All of Namjoon's, Jin's, Yoongi's, Hoseok's, and Taehyung's conversations have consisted of what the fuck they were supposed to do. They made no conclusions so far.

"What to do when obsessed friend blames the death of his so-called loved one's sister on the man she's sleeping with" was not something you could type into google. Well, you could but it would most likely lead to a Christian or Porn site. There was no in between.

"And you also didn't raise Namjoon to be shady, but here we are." Jimin finally said, breaking the silence, sounding bitter.

Jin clenched his jaw, grip on his phone almost loosening. He couldn't believe it. Couldn't understand where the attack came from.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

It was tense. The pair were never ones to fight. A line was crossed, but neither was willing to back down.

Jimin laughed, cutting into his older friend's as he spoke recklessly.

"You don't think it's weird that right after he talked to her she fucking changed her number?"

The brown haired man quivered, a chill running up his spine. Lips quivering as anger filled him. Though he knew he friend was under a lot of stress, he couldn't let it go. Didn't he learn that pointing the finger wrongly at someone just created more problems.

Jin could handle everything else. But not an attack on Namjoon.

"Why would you care, when you just rejected her Jimin? Shouldn't you be glad she disappeared for a while? Just because your life is failing, doesn't mean you get to pick on mine Jimin. You better watch what you say."

"Okay Jin, look I'm sorry. I'm just really on edge and I don't know what to do." The man said, sighing loudly.

The man could envision it now, his friend running a delicate hand in his silver hair. Beating himself up over something so small. Something that he could fix in that moment, but chose to ignore. It was like he liked pain. Like this was all meant to punish himself.

"I don't know. Maybe apologize to Celine and go get married." The elder replied back simply.

"Not going to happen."

I can't.

"I don't understand. What changed? Why are you like this all of a sudden."

Jin truly didn't understand. Unless Jimin fell out of love, and that seemed unlikely. His motivation was unclear, and seemed to provide more heartache than anything.

"I just realized some things, okay? Nothing is going to make me change my mind now." The younger man said, sounding harsh. And clearly done with the conversation. Angry and disdainful, he was meaning to sound strong. But why did his voice hold a tremor of tears?

Was his voice always filled with so much sadness?

The man was hiding something. And Jin wasn't sure exactly what. In time, he would tell. But right now, the man needed some space.

"You might regret saying that one day Jimin."

"Maybe, but right now it's the smartest decision I could ever make."

Jin couldn't help but laugh. He saw Namjoon walk into the living room out of the corner of his eye. The tall tan man set coffee out before both of them, as he sat closely next to his boyfriend. The dimpled man gave him a small smile, and Jin immediately relaxed.

He wouldn't hurt me. He would never.

"Or the dumbest. Hold on, second dumbest, next to taking the blame for a crime you didn't fucking commit."

"You know what, I don't need this right now." Jimin said, voice rising.

"I know. The truth hurts." Jin responded back, calmly. Knowing that his own anger would not help anything.

But what surprised him more, was the sob that came from the other line. Immediately the tone of superiority left him. With the way the boy was pretending to act, he forgot how sensitive Jimin could be. He started to really listen to his friend. He had no other choice.

"You know what hurts even more than that? Getting repeatedly screwed over by the people you love the most. Because they know you won't say a goddamn word about it."

Jin wasn't given enough time to apologize. To really have a conversation. To find out the boy's true intentions.

Because for the first time in their entire friendship, Jimin ever so rudely hung up on the elder.

"Can you believe this kid? He's being becoming so dramatic!" The brunette complained out loud, throwing his phone at the other side of the couch.

Jimin was definitely not receiving his one compliment per month this September.

"Well, he learns from the best." Namjoon said, smirking at the pretty man who sat with his arms crossed and lips pouted.

"And Celine! She was crying like a newborn when she got back on the elevator. I've only ever cried that hard when I spilled wine on my Prada. It was the worst thing to watch. She wouldn't tell me what happened. But now that I know I'm ready to beat his cute little ass."

"I'm still here, and I'm still your boyfriend."

Jin ignored the man, angrily sitting up. Arms flailing around wildly enough to spook Namjoon. The distaste was clear in the brunette man's eyes. Something must have clearly set him off.

"And he called you shady. The fuck why'd he even say that? When have you ever been shady? I can spot shade from a mile away? You know why? Because I'm shady!"

"I'm not shady. I'm hungry." Namjoon said, hoping the elder didn't catch how his smile faltered.

The brunette rolled his eyes, pulling his pink sweater over his hands angrily. Though a faint smile now hinted at the apple's of his cheeks.

"Ugh miss me with that dad joke. Mine are ten times better."

"You love them. Admit it." Namjoon said, pulling the shorter man into his chest, so that he wouldn't have to see his face. The familiar scent of lavender filled his nose, and Jin's warm body sunk into him. The man had finally stopped yelling, content in the embrace of his lover's arms.

The purple haired man wrapped his arm around the other, letting his fingers sink into luscious hair. Their breaths synced together, as they lay silently. Namjoon could feel his heart beat coming to a slow rest, as Jin nuzzled into him.

But the other man's voice broke into the calm.

"Maybe. In all seriousness though, please just don't pretend to love me. Break up with me now, leave me. It would hurt less. Save me from all the pain of being lied to." Jin's voice was clear. No ounce of pain or worry. He truly believed Namjoon didn't have the capacity to hurt him. Or he'd have enough respect to break it off in advance.

The dimpled man sighed, not surprised by his boyfriend's words.

What Namjoon was surprised by, was his unwillingness to let go.

It was his way out. He could get up and leave in this very moment. Laugh him off, and tell him the truth. He wasn't a sadist, he didn't want to hurt Jin. He'd never felt this way before about anyone.

And Namjoon hated it.

So the man wrapped his arms tighter around Jin. Filling tense and worried, that this feeling would one day would come to an end. Even though he had sabotaged himself, in order for that to happen.

*****

It had started to rain.

Badly. Not with the wind whipping around. It was a silent, depressing one.

They said Winter rains were the coldest.

But Jimin had to disagree.

The sky was a thick gray, bellowing out with clouds like a vengeful god. The sun so covered up, the whole world seemed a little dim. The fog reaching the ground and curling up the man's feet as he hung his head low, cowering underneath his dark umbrella. He was cold to his core.

Droplets of rain obscuring his path before him, puddles reflecting a person he became less and less familiar with.

One that was willing to hurt people.

The man remembered the time, when rain had been so pretty. Flecks of gold and copper. Warmth and fulfillment, dancing and Paris. The scent of her overwhelming the atmosphere as they held each other close.

He had been so blinded by it.

Their relationship, was beyond fucked up. No matter how true the feelings were. They were having an affair. It was easy to ignore the rest of the world, when they only thought about themselves and their own feelings. They were both so young, so immature and so fragile to the evils of the world.

Jimin never thought of the aftermath.

He pushed, he pushed and pushed for something he had barely any control over. Celine had been smart, by trying to keep it out of Jeongguk's reach. Jimin started not to care, he believed that everything would work out in the end.

Their connection prospered in secrecy and calamity.

Would it prosper in chaos and hardships?

Jimin didn't know. He didn't fucking know and part of him was too fucking scared to try.

I want you. I need you right now. But I'm pushing you further and further away and I just want to breathe again. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry I said those things.

Celine wasn't there. He could feel it inside, that cold and desolate place in his body that refused to be filled. All those things he wished he could say, but at the same time made him bite his tongue.

The other night flashed before his eyes.

"It also opened up my eyes to the fact you used me. You got everything you wanted. A boyfriend who's successful and loves you, new friends, a hot side piece, and a way into the art industry. And what did I get? Someone who never fully loved me in return."

"No, no. You can play mind games with Jeongguk, but not with me. You left me before I could even explain myself. You were so quick to drop me, to get rid of your little annoying secret. It was the perfect opportunity to abandon me. Once you got everything you wanted."

Her face. When he said it. When he rejected her, when he denied her love after the many days and nights they had spent together.

Her beautiful face. As she cried. If there was a section for sadness in the Louvre, the painting of her visage would be there. Toiled in blues and grays, textured in visible desperation.

I did that to her.

How could he have said that? The man was so confused. Grimacing slightly, as he thought of his own, terrible accusations.

It's couldn't be denied, that what had transpired changed him. He lost a best friend. Of so many years, memories good and bad. Jeongguk, after everything thought it was justified to tell Celine it was him. To lie. To keep it from everyone that he fucking killed her sister. If Jimin would have known earlier...he wasn't sure what he would have done. It fucking hurt to know how badly the man was willing to betray him. Yes, Jimin wasn't innocent. But what Jeongguk did showed that he really had no love for his older friend at all. He felt so used. So pissed at the world, that he was willing to take the fall for someone who so quickly threw him to the wolves.

He lost the light of his life. He lost the ability to cherish Mia with someone, when his name was written in ink.

He wanted to blame his actions on trying to protect her.

Mrs. Jeon had threatened Jimin before. That she would "get rid" of him if he ever spoke about the truth.

He knew it was possible that he could do the same to Celine.

Part of him was angry at her. Beyond angry.

When he saw her walk into his apartment, after a month. Claiming that everything would be okay, now that she knew the truth. Now that she wasn't guilty at all for anything.

Part of him despised her in that moment. His Celine. His angel.

Because love, real love was supposed to reign over everything. When she walked in that fateful day and asked if he did it. If he had killed Mia. If all the love he had made with her, was a pity fuck. That he was sadistic enough to fall in with someone, who could have screwed over like that.

The fact that she could believe even for a second, that Jimin meant her any harm...

He was so deeply wounded, to his core that she even had to ask. He knew why. He knew she had to know for sure. And it tore him apart that she was hurting.

So much he barely recognized himself. And he didn't want to be another source of pain for her. Another man she put onto her back, in hopes of fixing him.

Why would she want him? Park Jimin. The push over. The loser. The one who can never be good enough.

If it wasn't for his money, for his looks. Would she have even risked leaving Jeongguk if he was poor? If he wasn't willing to help with her career.

It was less of an infliction on her character.

He would have still loved her if she only wanted money. Would have still loved her if she used him. Would have loved her if she accused him for eons of things that he didn't do.

For he had loved her when she belonged to someone else.

It was more a reflection of how he viewed himself.

He knew that he loved her.

But Jimin wasn't fully ready to forgive her, when he questioned whether she knew what true love was or not.

Right now, they needed space. And time to figure out what they truly wanted.

I want you, but do you want me enough?

Jimin walked into his favorite book shop, like he did every Monday. He closed the umbrella, shaking away the moisture before he stepped into the cozy shop.

"Hello." Said the old shop owner, who sat in a rocking chair while sucking on a pipe. The man reminded him of the grandpas that only belonged in fairytales. Wise and open-minded all at once.

Jimin smiled at him, the familiar smell of tobacco and old books inviting and very different from the torment outside.

The young man remembered the first time he found this place, on a warm spring day. He was 19 and he had just moved into his apartment. This gem popped up, attracting him while he was trying to find a place to drink coffee.

He loved this place because, well, it was messy. Even some random hats and gloves littered the floor. It was a welcoming disaster. The book shelves rickety and falling over one another. Dust everywhere. No room to even walk. Yet the books, were in perfect condition. Replicating life; how sometimes the imperfect were the most perfect things you could ever find.

Jimin kept walking to the back, fixing his long black coat as he did so. He hastily moved aside his hair, that had become charcoal with moisture. The man shivered out all the cold, before arriving at his destination.

Every time he came in, he walked to the right corner of the shop, where there was a plush red reading chair. He would pluck up a book and start reading.

But when he arrived, he realized something strange.

A dark navy blue blanket hung across the ceiling, pinned there. Golden fairy tea lights strung across beautifully. Jimin gazed up in wonderment, the material just like his imagination.

The entire area was covered in balloons. Silver and copper all alike, shaped like stars. Each twinkling and bouncing in the golden light.

And in the center, tied to the chair.

A yellow balloon. Larger than all the rest.

Jimin walked closer, eyes watering and throat feeling tight. His hands slightly shook as he untied the knot. As it floated in front of his face, he noticed something.

A note scrawled across it in black sharpie.

You told me a story about the moon.
You talked romantically about the stars.
I fell in love with both that night,
But more in love with who you are.

The man clutched at his chest, feeling it cave in.

Celine. Fucking Celine.

He remembered that conversation. The night where they just talked and talked for hours. They had forgotten, for a moment, everything but them and the night sky. He really got to know her.

Let's when he fell.

Like a comet streaking across the sky, against the cosmos. The light shining in her golden eyes as she laughed and talked with him. Really talked. Honesty and no bullshit.

He didn't even realize she paid attention, or remembered that one naive fact about him. That he thought the moon was some giant balloon.

No one ever listens to me like that.

The man smiled, eyes crinkling tight

"Did you see who brought this all in?" Jimin said, running hastily to the front.

The old man smiled mischievously, his white mustache covering his expression.

"She told me not to tell you. Because you already know who it is."

Of course he knew who it was. But it felt like a dream. His imagination. He needed proof by someone else that it was Celine.

Jimin shook his head, in utter disbelief as he felt the synthetic string beneath his finger tips.

It was, it was her.

Stop making my heart pound when I'm supposed to make it stop beating for you.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>
(A/N): hey y'all 💞💞💞

So this is what Celine means by
"Love isn't just Love."

She realizes even though he loves her, and she him, she has to earn it back. She has to gain his trust. Garner his respect. Remind him of what they could be. And make sure that he knows their bond is more than just attraction for her.

With this first surprise...

She showed that she listens to all the details. That she remembers everything he tells her, whether he thinks it's insignificant or not. That she knows what he enjoys, and respects it and wants to enjoy it with him.

In all honesty, it's one of the only things she's ever done for him so far. Other than buy him noodles and be a good friend.

He was constantly giving (Paris, art, food, Diamonds, affection, that D, flowers for Mia...and I could say more). And she was constantly receiving.

You see so many people in "love" and then wonder why it never last. It's because being in love is more than just that feeling. Scientifically "love" runs out after two years. As in, seeing each other as perfect, and getting giddy to see them, and being oblivious to all the bad things because you care for them.

Dating isn't just about liking someone. You have to communicate. Learn how to better yourself. Be mature.

Being married to someone isn't just about love. If it was, less people would get divorced.

And this all takes time to build.

Also...what ABOUT NAMJOON THO LIKE TFFFF??????

Btw, sorry for this short chapter. But it's one of my favorites :) lots of important information and a little piece of gray aesthetics. It made me happy to write even though it was sad.

THANK YOU AGAIN FOR READING THIS! LOVE YOU LOTS!!!! 💞💞💞💞💙💙💙💙