The numbness is getting to me, i keep pushing every feeling i have away to block myself from losing it.
Im trying to find even the tiniess piece of how if felt way back, i cant find anything.
Its turning into anger
The tears are stuck in my throat
Im trying to think happy thoughts but they always lead to that sad time
Its like every part of my life just keeps getting worse
It all went so fast
I seriously just want an escape
Im angry at myself for letting everyone go but im angry at them too.
Im trying so hard to just look calm but my smile is fading even in public
Is this all worth it...
I dont feel the pain of the cuts anymore, i need more but i still feel like the dirt is still on my skin.
I need to at least feel something...please its cloughing my mind and my mind isnt helping me.

I wrote this now because its bothering me...i wrote this book because I needed to talk about how i feel to see if it'll help but i dont know whats happening right now, i cant even put my words together right, i feel like im just saying words that hurt me but i cant do anything about it, i wish it was normal.
I want to stop blocking myself. Another sleepless night.