"I used to recognise myself, it's funny how reflections change" James Bay Let It Go

"It's okay not to be okay" Who You Are Jessie J -This is everything I feel (listen)

So I failed I cut after the 7th day. I got so angry I was feeling numb, after the things that happened in school, I couldn't cry it was soo irritating. I finally felt a bit and cried but ugh the annoying part that hurts most, is wanting the cuts to hurt like before but it doesn't.  It like I'm immune to pain right now. Knowing I really want to break something sooo bad and crash down but not being able to makes me want to walk into a car no joke. I changed my new hair due thinking oh ill look better now but apparently it's an open gate to be laughed at and judged. Fag being thrown around in my face I seriously felt cold but I wasn't crying.  Remembering my brothers in college and not here to save me cracked me. I tried once to just smile in school and someone yelled something mean my mind just went "Oh okay I understand" I wanted to run and break a mirror, my mood changed but it's cool I kept FUCKING pretending to be fine and smiled after the class like nothing happened. Really smiling after every bad moment is making me feel like a fool. Ugh my life sucks a million. Anyways sorry for the rant....my jealous thought is below this.

I'm jealous of happy people I wonder how it's possible to be that happy.
I'm jealous of people who feel beautiful, I want to know how it feels to know your beautiful.
I'm jealous of confidence people, they don't get judged so they have nothing to worry about, even if they do the don't care. How?
I'm jealous of outgoing people, the way they say out their mind and get along with everyone is cool.
I'm jealous of people with illness knowing when they're going to die.
I'm jealous of people who have it easy.
My life sucks. Simple!