Hi. So this is gonna be in a story form but it happened a while ago. Just thought about it and decided to tell the reasons why I shouldn't let people know about my cuts. And this is the first time I'm talking about it. Bare with me.

♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢

*School*
      
       Me battling my mind: I've gotten so close to them, they know me, I can tell them about the cuts right? I mean it's not important but they'll find out anyways I should say something. They're my best friends. No harm.

   Im deciding to tell them differently so I can see each reaction. They'd be cool with it right?

      It was another quiet night. And as usual we both stayed up. We are more like girlfriends than friends honestly. We have been talking since 10pm and it's 3 am now, I should tell her.

    I stare blankly at the wall. Thinking of how to put it.
"Hello? Lame-o you here?" Brooklyn asks snapping her finger in my face.
"H-h-uh? What?" I ask confused, I didn't think I was in my head that long.
"Wow. I'm must be getting boring yeah?" she asks giggling.
"No. I want to tell you something, just thinking" I answer back with my head down.
"Okay. Spill." she says making a V with her eyebrows.
"Uhmm I have been going through a lot. I mean you know that right? So I don't know I'm like every normal person I guess it's just I handle pain the best I can. You know? I scream when your sad or pissed and I just love more pain it's reliefing." I say catching my breath and playing with my fingers. I really babbled there.
She looks more confused now.
"Bitch did you get drunk and then get pregnant?" She laughs.
"No" I answer tugging at her shoulder.
"I cut"  I say in a whisper.
She moves back and then stops.
"Can I see?"
I show her looking away. She giggles and says "No sharp object for you anymore or maybe next time do it in front of me"
My heart drops.
What? Did she just say that? I shouldn't be mad but I am.
"You don't get it do you?" I ask her with tears coming to my eyes. I push it away and get up and walk away. I lay down on my bed and hug my pillow and my mind keeps telling me how stupid I was to think I would get a hug and a I understand from her and then one tear falls as I fall asleep.

She did apologise the next day but we just never spoke about it.

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

*Lunch Break*
Okay Ben and Harper will understand right? They're  different from her. Sometimes Harper gets sad too right? Speak.Maybe they'd help.

I start playing with my food and counting the minutes before the break would be over.
Okay now. No in 1 minute. Okay 2 minutes yeah whatever now.

"Uh what do you guys think of people who cut?" I ask really uneasy and scared questioning why I'm doing this again.
"I think they're foolish and are attention seekers,weirdos" Ben says looking at me with disgust. I felt it pierce through my heart, I wonder if he see it. I smile quickly to cover up. What friends I have yeah?
"Darling!" Ben yells to his girlfriend across the cafeteria and gets up.

"You cut?" Harper asks eating slowly.
She's probably asking because she gets it right? Tell her.
"Yes" I say looking down. She looks at me with a V eyebrow. "You're one of them?" she asks frozen.
One of them? What? I'm sooo stupid ugh!
We eat in silence while I'm killing myself in my mind till the bell goes. I get up and walk away really fast.

Never spoke about it, they never spoke about it. Harper and Brooklyn told no one so that I liked a lot.

♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧
*At home after a bad day*

I stand there as the words kept coming at me. "Your so annoying stop being lazy, you should stay with your dad more often. Your giving me stress. Maybe he can handle you, I'm giving you 10 minutes to think about it. You can stop school I don't care right now. Go to your room"

No one wants you. Its clear now. She hates you, he will hate you if you go there, you'll be hated forever.Breathe it's okay just a little more pain will do it.

I get into my room and get the razor under my clothes. I slam the toilet door and sit on the toilet and tears began to flow and I cut over and over till I felt it a bit. I sit there as my hands get weak, I didn't even hear her come in.

"Didn't I say 10 minutes?" she yells pushing the door. She looks at me angrily and holds her head with her two hands. Im so scared and just feel like running away but she knows now she'll be nicer now right?

"I'm calling your dad right now. He has to come, you want to die with me so people say I killed you, no way!" She says with no expression and leaves the room in a rush.

I clean up my hand the way I always do but I'm shaking and panicking, everything is running through my mind now.

Maybe it's time i end it or i can just run away maybe he'll understand, he's nicer right?

I sit on my bed and I feel numb all of a sudden and just look around not even thinking at all.
"Your dad's on the phone. Take it!" she says.
He yells my name 5times and I answer yes each time but my voice seems gone. Wait for it, he's mad too.
"What's wrong with you. Your harming yourself" he says through the phone yelling. I stare blankly at the ground. Means he cares right?

"So your a psychiatric patient now. Youre getting mad. Do you know the germs you can get from that?" He says really angry.

At this point I lost hope and answer nothing back. I wait for him to finish talking, he tells me to  put it on speaker and then says "we, your mom and I are giving you a month to change or we'll leave you in a hospital and I won't treat you myself" he says (he's a doctor)
"Okay" I say quietly feeling tears somewhere but not in my eyes, my heart felt black as every word played in my mind. She leaves the room and shakes her head.

----------------------
Those were the hard times of my life, well I did change to them, "pretence" is the key. I perfect smile fix it. I haven't been clean from that day still not but whatever. Sorry it was long. Just a bit of my life I wanted to share.