Silently Falling (ORIGINAL): Chapter Twenty One

Sunday

Sunlight flows into my room through my bay window, causing a red outline to be seen behind my closed eyes. I groan and turn over to face the other way, but the light somehow captures this side of my room too. With a sigh I slowly open my eyes, blinking to get used to the sudden change of aperture. I smack my lips and slowly sit up, scratching my head as I do. My lazy eyes trail to my clock and I squint at the neon red digits.

8:15 AM

I close my eyes for a second and mentally prepare to get up. I roll over and grab my phone, letting out a dejected sigh as I realize I forgot to plug it in last night. I mentally slap myself and hesitantly glance at the percentage.

It only has 40% left. I purse my lips with a scowl and begin to unlock my phone, but as I see the date resting just beneath the time, I freeze in place and my blood runs cold.

December 5th.

My mother's death anniversary.

My entire mood falls and I drop my phone onto my bed, suddenly not knowing what to do. I knew this day was coming up, but no amount of preparation could get one ready to mourn their deceased mother. I mourn her every day, but the anniversary of her death is something special.

It's the 12th year I've been without her, and every year seems harder than the last.

I close my eyes briefly and mentally prep for the day ahead. Today revives the single memory of her I strive to forget; seeing her lying lifeless on the floor.

After my father ran inside to see what was wrong that day, I ran into the house after him even if he told Toby and I not to. I unbuckled myself and jumped from my car seat to see what was the matter.

Never in a million years would I have imagined what scene lay in front of me.

I open my eyes back up and they instantly land on my piano. My mother's old piano. I bite my bottom lip and frown, letting my gaze drop as my heart does.

Every year on the day of my mother's death anniversary, Toby drives me to her grave two hours away. It's located in the town she met my father in, they had decided to be buried there together. However, my dad never expected for her to have to be buried so soon. No one did.

Toby hasn't paid his respects to our mom since my father moved to New York. He agrees to drive me every year, but he sits in his truck as I walk down to her grave. I think it's because he doesn't think she would be proud of who he is. She wouldn't be proud that he parties every weekend or that he sleeps with girl after girl and then throws them away like chopped liver because he thinks he can't have the one girl he truly wants.

He's ashamed of himself, and it's holding him back from mourning her properly.

I throw my covers off my body, the chill in my house seeping through my skin and making my bones shatter. My frown deepens as I shuffle to my closet and pull on a sweatshirt, heading to my brothers room directly after. I don't want to waste anymore time, I want to be able to spend as long as possible with her.

I pad down the hallway and gently knock on his door. I get no response back and I push the slightly cracked door open to find that his sheets are empty.

My eyebrows furrow as I look around his vacant room. I check his bedside to see if his phone is here, but when I don't see it even more confusion enters me. Then everything clicks when I remember he went to a party last night; he hasn't come home yet.

My heart drops and I pull my phone from my pocket, quickly texting him to ask where the hell he is. On any other occasion I may not be too upset that he isn't yet home, but today...I need him. He's the only one who can truly understand how I feel, because he's the only one who has been through the same thing.

After all, he ran into the kitchen just after I had. He saw the same thing I did; has the same image programmed into his memory.

I miss my mom every day. Every time I play her old piano I think of her and I try to remember what it was like to be held by her, what it was like to feel her love coursing through me, how it felt to know I had my mom with me. Every day I wish she was still here with me, but I've come to terms that she's not.

And that hurts.

I take one last look around Toby's room and walk down the steps and make myself breakfast as I wait for him to answer my text. When he doesn't respond after twenty minutes, I start to panic. Not because I'm worried of where he may be, I know he's at some girl's house, or even still at the party, but because I don't know how I will get to my mom.

I haven't gotten my license yet.

I need to see her. I haven't missed an anniversary since it happened.

I bite my lip and quickly rack through my brain for other options. Alyse is at work and won't be off until this afternoon...but there's always Tyler.

I send him a quick text and busy myself with unloading the dishwasher as I wait for him to respond. When I finish, I practically lunge for my phone and press the home button for the screen to light up, but nothing but my wallpaper shows.

I realize it's only 9:00 in the morning, and for someone who spent the entire night partying, that's too early to wake up. He's probably very much asleep and very much hungover. The same is said for Gray...

I sigh deeply and drop my head onto the counter, hopelessness settling in. Everyone that would be able to drive me was at the party last night and will be too hungover this early in the morning.

My eyes snap open as I get an idea.

Everyone except West.

He had to stay home to watch Casper since Libba had to work late last night. Which means he didn't go to the party and is most likely not hungover. But am I close enough with him to ask him to drive me my mom's grave?

I decide I have no other options and send him a text.

Me: Hey, what are you doing today?

Instead of staring at my phone until I get a reply, I go to my room and get dressed in case West agrees to drive me. Just as I finish brushing through my hair, my phone buzzes from on my bed.

West (That Annoying Asshole): Nothing, why what did you have in mind? ;)

Me: Can you come over?

Just seconds later I get a text back.

West (That Annoying Asshole): On my way. I'll get the whipped cream ;)

I annoyingly roll my eyes at his text, unsure what context to take his words in. I'm really in no mood for his sexual innuendos today, all I want to do is curl up next to my mother's grave and dream of her coming back. But I need West to drive me in order to do that.

Plus, I'm not entirely sure I want to be alone today.

I plug my phone into the charger since I forgot to last night and head downstairs to wait for West to arrive. Ten minutes later I hear a knock at my front door and I get off the couch and open it to reveal West smirking widely at me.

"Damn Sunshine, I thought you would never ask." He winks, walking past me and towards the stairs.

I watch him, no laughter coming from me; just the look of a girl who misses her mother.

West mounds the first step, but before he continues, he glances back at me in amusement. However, when he sees my expression, his smile drops into concern and his eyebrows furrow together.

"Whoa, Raine what's wrong?" He asks, walking swiftly towards me. His hands land softly on my shoulders as he tries to catch my eye.

I close my eyes briefly as tears threaten to come back and shake my head. "That's not what I was asking of you."

He frowns, "I know that, I was just joking around." He says softly. "What were you asking? I'll do whatever it is."

I meet his concerned eyes and a small flood of relief passes through me. Knowing that West is willing to help me takes a weight off of my shoulders, and I appreciate him even more for that.

I offer him a small smile out of gratitude, but as I get ready to sign my request, the smile drops. "Toby isn't home and..." I pause and try to figure out how to word my question. "Today is the anniversary of my mom's death." I sign dejectedly, avoiding his gaze. "Every year I go to her grave and pay my respects with Toby, but..."

West nods in understanding, a sympathetic smile on his lips. "He isn't home to take you." He finishes for me. "I have no problem driving you, Sunshine. I would be honored, actually. Don't be afraid to ask me."

I meet his eyes as my heart melts and I smile softly. "Thank you." I sign, relief settling in.

We leave the house and I leave it unlocked behind me for Toby, just in case he lost his keys during his fun night. I get into West's Jeep and he types in the address into his GPS, even if I know the route by heart. West refrains from turning on the radio, so the car ride is silent.

As we reach the halfway point, he finally speaks up.

"I'm sorry that happened to your mom. And I'm sorry it happened to you as well, no kid should lose their mother." He says quietly, looking over at me briefly.

"Thank you."

He switches hands on the steering wheel. "Tell me about her. I feel as if I know nothing about her."

I glance at him and frown slightly. "I was young when she passed, so I don't remember as much as I wish I did."

"Well tell me what you do remember. Help me to learn just who..." He pauses for a few seconds before he chuckles. "See? I don't even know her first name."

"Janet." I sign, the ghost of a smile lighting my lips.

"Janet?" He confirms, and I nod. "Alright, then help me to learn just who Janet Winter is."

I look at West for a second or two with a thoughtful smile lighting up my lips. He glances at me and furrows his brow with a light smile of his own.

"What?" He asks.

I shake my head and look down at my lap. "My mom...she was amazing. Well respected by everyone." I begin, turning to look out the window. "She worked in the child care system. Helped kids get out of violent homes and into safe ones. I don't think there was ever a kid she failed to get into a stable, loving home."

I don't look over at West, because I know he isn't getting everything I'm saying. He has to pay attention to the road, not my hands. But I know he didn't ask me about my mother for himself.

He did it for me.

"She was honestly the best mother I could ever imagine having. She never raised her voice with us unless totally necessary. She wouldn't take out a bad day on us, instead she would use Toby and I as a way to feel better." I sign with an unconscious smile. "She made her love for us known. She made her love for my father known." My gaze falls to my seat as memories rack my brain.

"I remember one night, her and dad were going on a date night. It must have only been a month or so before the home invasion. My parents had been gone for only an hour before I started throwing a temper tantrum to our babysitter, whining for my mommy to come home. The sitter ended up calling my parents and they had to come home." I sign with an ironic laugh. "If only I had known what was to come. I would have used that as a preparation."

I sigh and my eyes follow the trees we drive past.

"So your parents were close?" West asks me quietly.

I nod unconsciously. "Obviously and hopelessly in love with one another. My dad never remarried after she passed away, even if it may have benefited Toby and I."

The GPS sounds just as I finish and directs West to take the next exit. I glance out the window to see our surroundings, and familiarity runs through me. We aren't far now, we've entered the small, rural town they grew up in. We pull up to a stop light just off the exit and I begin to sign.

"This is the town my parents fell in love in."

West smiles over at me. "No kidding?"

I smile slightly and nod, "They met and fell in love here."

The light changes to green and West turns left. "Small farm town? Was your dad a farmer's son?"

I chuckle. "My mom, actually."

He was able to take a quick look over and read my answer. "Really?"

I nod, "And my dad was the mayor's son."

West chuckles, his eyes light with interest. "Now how does that work?"

"My mom was the beauty of the town. She was the prettiest girl at school, according to my dad and my uncle. And my father decided he wanted her." I begin as we near the cemetery.

"So my dad decided he wanted her, but she had basically decided the opposite. She wanted nothing to do with him. Cliche, right? He tried everything. He bought her roses, chocolate, stuffed animals with balloons attached..." I trail off with a light chuckle.

"Yet my mom still said no. Until my dad went to her dad. He asked her father if he could take her to prom. No one else who asked her had gone to my grandpa, so she ultimately said yes to my dad. Family was the most important thing to her. However, on prom night somehow my dad ended up letting the cows out of their pen. So, instead of going to prom, the two of them spent the night getting the cows back. And I don't know, I guess they fell in love that night." I finish.

I ended just in time, for West is now pulling into the cemetery. Any good feelings I had slowly disperse and I take a deep breath as I direct him on where to park. To add to the mood, it starts to rain just as West shuts off the Jeep.

I sigh as I unbuckle. "Perfect weather for the mood, I guess."

West frowns, "I'll wait here in the Jeep. Wave me over if you need me, okay?"

I nod, offering him the ghost of a smile as I open the door and step into the light drizzle. I stand there for a second or two, staring down the grassy hill that my mom's grave sits at the base of. I glance back at West's Jeep, catching his concerned eyes watching me, then I begin to walk down the slope.

A flashback of the first day I came here floods into my mind, breaking the weak dam poorly put together to keep these memories away.

My four year old self stands with her hand being gripped tightly in that of her father, the other loosely holding onto a young Toby's hand as he stands tall; trying to be brave for the watching eyes. Tears run down my naive cheeks, red from the chill in the air. A small coat hugs my shoulders as my father tries to hold himself together next to me, silent sobs racking his body.

I turn my head to look at his hand, white with the force he's gripping my hand. But I don't say anything. Instead I look back at the casket in front of me; large and black with a dash of yellow dotted on the top. Daisies; bright yellow even though this isn't the season for them to bloom.

A raindrop lands on my nose and pulls me from the memory, and I become aware of my surroundings. The warmth of my father's hand blows away with the wind and a cold shudder racks through my body. The casket that holds my mother morphs back into her gravestone- standing on its own looking lonely and lost.

It's large and gray, just a few simple words covering the polished stone.

Here lies Janet Abbott Winter.

Loving wife and mother.

1970-2004

My eyes cloud over and I reach out to trail my hand over the words, water droplets slowly sliding down the dark and lonely stone. I look to her final quote written just under the dates, and the back of my throat burns with tears.

"Every story has an end. But in life, every ending is a new beginning."

I take a deep breath and slowly sink to my knees to be level with her words. I don't see how her end could be a new beginning. Nothing good came out of her being taken from this world and placed into heaven.

"Hey mom." I begin. "Can you believe it's been 12 years? Somehow I can. I find that the feeling of being held in your arms is close to being completely stolen by the years."

I bite my lip and look down at the grass, feeling it thread through my fingers. The rain droplets transfer onto my skin and make my hands wet, but that's the last thing I could care about right now. My eyes trail to the sky as the light rain continues, and I sigh sadly.

"I'm sorry Toby isn't here. I know you miss him. And he misses you, he just... He's not proud of who he is, and he worries you won't be either." I sign, looking back at her stone. "Everything is good at school so far. I have all A's, and music is still my favorite class. Mr. C loved the songs I gave to him this year, and the class has done well with them. I made each of them with the help of your piano. I like to think you listen to me every time I sit down and play it."

A chilling wind blows by and I blow my breath onto my hands so that they don't freeze up.

"Alyse's mom is still being difficult. She still makes Alyse work two jobs, and yet the girl is in all advanced classes... Her and I are still best friends, but I don't think that's ever going to change." I sign, having to blow on my hands yet again to lessen the threat of them locking up.

The rain starts coming down harder, and the wind slightly picks up. The rain soaks into my clothes and ultimately into my skin, seeping deeper and making my body freeze. I shiver and pull my light sweatshirt tighter around my body to provide even a little bit of warmth.

"This is the first year it's rained." I sign regretfully, glancing up at the sky. "But I'm not leaving."

All of the sudden I feel a warm weight placed around my shoulders and I snap my head to the side. West stands next to me with an unreadable expression on his face, his dark brown eyes clouded with his thoughts. His clothes are already soaking wet, his hair matted down from the rain.

"Your brother would kill me if I let you catch a cold." He says softly before walking back up the hill and to his car.

My hands come up to the jacket he placed around my shoulders and a small smile slips onto my lips as I pull it tight around me. It's his leather jacket.

I look back at my mom's grave and bite my lip. "That's West. West Love. He's the famous delinquent of our town, but he's proving to be possibly the best guy I've met." I pause and look at the leather jacket. "I think I may like him, mom... And I haven't really... liked anyone since everything happened with Warren."

I glance behind me at his Jeep up the hill and then back to her gravestone.

"He's annoying, to be honest. Always has to take certain things I say in the wrong way and takes every chance he can to aggravate me. But I know he means well. Even with the rumors and tales of what he's done, I know he's a good guy. He hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise. He makes me smile more than anyone else, and he somehow makes me feel special. He's thoughtful. He knows when to joke and when it's time to be serious- like today. On the ride here he somehow found it possible to make me smile." I sigh and grin softly. "Alyse likes to tell me he has this huge crush on me. Just like how I always tell her Toby is in love with her. Which he is."

I glance up at the sky for a few seconds and then look again at her words.

That's when a grim thought hits me.

"I find it odd, mom, that when people talk to those they've lost, they look at their gravestone. It's not like you have been reincarnated into the stone, you're still buried just beneath me. Yet you don't see me staring down at the ground." I shake my head before continuing.

"Maybe it would have been smarter to make your gravestone flat on the ground rather than sticking out as it does now. But dad insisted, and my younger self didn't think to stop him. My younger self didn't think to do a lot of things."

Tears start to reach my eyes and I bite my lip.

"Another thing, mom... I don't even know if you can understand me. I mean, how am I to know if you learned sign language. What if they don't even teach it in heaven?" I question, wiping my eyes as the rain mixes in with my tears. "For all I know you could just be seeing random hand signals and have no clue what the hell I'm doing. Heck, how are you even to know I'm trying to talk to you?" I question, my tears intensifying.

All I want to do is be able to talk to her. And I can't even do that.

All because of one night.

She needs to know that I want to talk to her. I want to talk. I'm tired of having to sign everything I think.

I close my eyes for a few seconds and swallow. I open them and stare up at the cloudy sky through vision blurred by tears, the wind blowing everything around and raindrops landing all over my face.

I try to force the words from my mouth. Something; anything. At first nothing but a labored breath comes out, so I try again. I open my mouth again and envision myself talking. I try to imagine the words pouring from my lips as they used to. All I have to do is force the words from my lips, everyone does it. I take a deep breath, my heart pounding in anticipation, and force my words out.

Nothing but a strangled groan is heard.

I shut my mouth and my eyes slowly trail back to the ground as sobs rack my body. Tears begin to drip from my eyes and they mix in with the rain so that I can't tell which is which.

I can't even talk to my mom.

I can't talk to anyone. No one can understand me unless they truly pay attention. My mom doesn't even know I'm trying to communicate with her. For all she knows I've forgotten about her.

My body starts to shake more intensely with sobs and my hands thread through the grass as the irritation builds.

I can't talk because of Warren. I can't hug my mother, I can't hold her, I can't tell her how much I love and miss her.

I can't talk. My innocence was stolen from me when I was only thirteen. I don't have a mother. And I barely have a father.

I shut my eyes tight and rip the grass from the ground and then throw myself down onto it with a frustrated scream. I bury my face in my arms while my shoulders shake with sobs. My breathing starts to hitch and become erratic, and it makes me cry harder.

All I want to do is be able to talk! I just want to talk aloud to my mother's spirit and believe she can hear me. Understand me.

More cries escape me and I press my hands to my head. I don't bother to try and quiet myself, because I know there's no use. This is the only way people can hear me anyways. My sobs sound desperate and frustrated, and they resemble everything inside of me.

The only thing they're missing is emptiness.

I don't think I've ever felt this hopeless.

My entire body shakes and my breath hitches and hurts my chest. I shut my eyes and pound at the ground as I continue to let out strangled sounds.

All of the sudden I feel arms wrap around me, attempting to shield me from my unforgiving thoughts.

"I'm so sorry, Raine," he whispers.

Without opening my eyes I curl into West's body and cry into his chest. I heave with endless sobs and grip his shirt with a weak hold. He gently rocks us while I sob violently into his already wet clothes, letting out years of frustration in one breakdown. The rain continues to pour down around us, soaking us to the bone while West lightly shushes me and rubs my back, slowly calming me down.

My tears stop pouring down my face, and soon I'm able to focus on calming my breathing. I try to just take deep breaths, but every time I do I start to choke out sobs and let out quick, painful breaths that rack my entire body. West holds me tighter as I do, and eventually I'm able to breath normally, the sobs finally gone.

He stands up with me still cradled in his arms and walks back up the hill towards his car. The rain's still falling torrential from the depressed sky, but neither of us care. The raindrops wash away the salty stains that trail down my cheeks, but they don't wash away the pain and memories.

West sets me down in his Jeep and takes his soaking leather jacket off of me, throwing it into the back. He closes the door and walks towards his side, quickly getting in and shutting his door. I wipe my eyes as he turns and grabs something out of the back seat and I focus on controlling my breathing and getting it back to normal. I jump when a blanket is draped across me, providing the warmth my body needs.

I look over at West in confusion as he starts the car.

"I told you, Toby will kill me if I let you you catch a cold." He says quietly, offering me a small, sympathetic smile.

He starts backing out before I can respond, but my lips turn into a light smile as he begins to drive us home.

This blanket may be warm, but I find it can't even compare to how warm I felt in West's arms. Maybe the difference is the amount of comfort I felt, or the safety that his arms provided...but I just want to be back in them until this day ends.

I jump slightly when I feel a gentle hand encase mine and thread my fingers. I look over at West, but his eyes are focused on the road ahead.

I just broke down in front of West; and he didn't go running for the hills. Instead he held me as I cried. And I admitted to my mom, or more myself rather, that I have a crush on West Love.

I may not have a mother, and I may barely have a father; but I have West. And for some reason, that's enough to make me happy.