1/17/2021 - Hi everyone! Another completely rewritten chapter...hope you enjoy! And thank you Wanderlust_writes for the cover! This is the chapter I think everyone has been waiting for ever since the book started ;)

Fight For Her is so close to being released! March 9th is the big day, and if you go to my profile you can find my announcement with various links to pre-order your own copy! (One with free, worldwide shipping!!)

Silently Falling: Chapter Thirty One

I toss and turn in my bed, trying my hardest to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in despite being buried underneath an abnormal amount of pillows and blankets. Dad was convinced that with the temperature dropping below freezing tonight, I would get too cold and insisted that it wouldn't be good for my throat, so he added two blankets on my bed as well as a few pillows to keep me warm. My feet get tangled in my sheets and they painfully wrap around my pinkie toe of my left foot, tugging it away from the rest of my toes as I shift to lay on my side. And at the same time, one of my pillows decides to fall down onto my face in an attempt to smother me. With a huff, I throw my blankets and pillows off of me and scowl at the darkness surrounding me.

I throw a few of the pillows onto the floor around my bed, toss a blanket off as well, and lay back down to try and sleep. Thirty minutes later, I'm still wide awake. There are too many things floating around my head; Warren, West, and how hungry I am since Dad never really made dinner tonight.

Finally, I sit up out of bed, grab my phone, turn on my flashlight, and tear my closet apart as I search for a long-forgotten childhood stuffed animal that used to bring me comfort when I couldn't sleep. I've never felt the use for him since, not even the weeks after that fateful night freshman year... I was too afraid to taint any innocent memory and my childhood stuffed animal was the poster child of innocence. However, after the last 24 hours, Mr. Buttons is much needed.

Mr. Buttons is a light blue, plush Narwhal with velvety fur (yet no buttons...good job with the name, baby Raine) that my Dad picked out for me before I was born. He was convinced I was going to be a boy, so the blue ocean animal seemed perfect. However, when they discovered I was going to be a girl, instead of returning the sea creature for something society deemed as more girly, they decided to test their luck and give it to me anyways. I slept with it every night up until I hit middle school and was convinced that sleeping with your baby toys wasn't 'cool.' Now, Mr. Buttons is a ghost of what he used to look like. His light blue plush fur has turned rather gray after years of intense, toddler cuddles, and his horn has become droopy.

Nonetheless, hugging him to my body does provide a small sense of security as I close my eyes and dream of being a little kid again. Back when Mr. Buttons was freshly blue with a pointy horn, perfect to annoy Toby with every morning at breakfast.

Yet I still can't sleep. Dad and I worked all evening on the home-remedies he was prescribed by various doctors to help with my voice, and by the end of the night the strain on my throat was too much. Our hard work seems to be paying off, though. By the time we called it a night, I was able to speak full sentences with little to no pain coming right away. Of course, all of that strain has caught up to me now and I've constantly been reaching for the water bottle sitting on my nightstand. And, as exhausted at my body is, I suppose my mind is wide awake; which should really be no surprise considering everything that has happened.

West is back on my mind. Oh, who am I kidding; West never left my mind. The broken look in his beautiful brown eyes has haunted my dreams (if you can even call them that since I never technically fell asleep). I'm so used to seeing those same eyes lit with mischief or laughter, but I never want to have to see the pained sadness again. And to know that I'm the one who caused it...it hurts, and I'm extremely conflicted.

I still have anger towards West and his actions, and that's completely justifiable. I put all of my trust in him only to have it seemingly thrown back in my face as if to say "take it back, I don't want it!" Or, at least that's how it felt in the moment. After hours to cool off and reassess, I can open my eyes a little wider and try to see his side of things. In the moment, I was still trying to calm down from the events of the party; still trying to wipe away the filthy feeling of Warren's hands all over me and his repulsive breath on my face. And my way of clutching onto safety was to clutch onto West. My emotions were heightened after everything and it was just poor timing to tell me a confession like that.

That doesn't mean I'm any less hurt by what he did. He still knew my secret and never told me, and if that isn't enough to upset me, he threatened to tell the school. I know Toby said to trust West and that it's clear he never would have followed through with the threat, but the sheer fact he used it to any sort of advantage still hurts. Warren is my demon to deal with. I've done it for the last three years and I didn't need West to try and play the hero. But, I know it wasn't right of me to make West leave without giving him a fair shot at explaining himself. I need to hear his side of things now that I have a clear head; because our conversation earlier is becoming jumbled in my mind and I can't recall the specific words he said. Only my angry responses.

I toss Mr. Buttons to the side and reach for my phone that's charging on my nightstand, cringing away from the brightness until it auto-checks itself and flies down to a dull glow to contrast the darkness in my room. 1:37 A.M. I feel like I've been tossing and turning for half the night, but in reality it's only been an hour and a half.

My eyes drift from the white numbers at the head of my screen to the picture below. It's of me and West, believe it or not. Alyse was sneaky with her photography skills one night and snapped it when we were all hanging out at my house; West and I are sitting side by side on the couch with his arm draped across the back, practically around me with the way I'm leaning into him. I'm signing something to him and his face is pulled into a cute look of puzzlement as he tries to follow along. After my frustrated outburst earlier today about how he can't keep up with my signs, maybe this should make me sad. Instead, it makes me grin when I notice the stern look of concentration on his features. There's a reason he picked up ASL so quickly; he never gave up when my lessons got too hard. He was determined to learn as much as he could every time I sat down to teach him.

Alyse sent it to me directly after taking it, trying to be discreet but failing to realize that my phone was sitting face up on my lap. The ding of her text stole both mine and West's attention away from my ASL and down to my phone. I've never seen him smirk so damn much than those few minutes where he tried to take my phone to look at the picture with Alyse's caption saying "could you two be any cuter?" He made it my wallpaper and I planned to change it immediately, but he kept my phone from me for the rest of the night so I never got the chance. And, even after everyone left, I never changed it back.

I sigh deeply and roll back over with my phone, resting it down as I pull Mr. Buttons back into my arms and snuggle my cheek into his once soft plush. It's nowhere near as silky or smooth as it was back when I was a kid, and the warmth it once provided doesn't have the same effect anymore either. Or maybe I'm comparing him to the warmth that West gave when he took over Mr. Buttons' job last night and stayed with me to ensure I could fall asleep. I don't think anything can even come remotely close to the safety and security I feel when he hugs me, and when he looks at me with those big, brown eyes...it stirs something in my stomach that makes my entire body flood with a sense of comfort I don't think I'll find anywhere else. I don't want to find it anywhere else.

I shift onto my back and stare at my ceiling. I wonder what West is doing right now. Was he able to fall asleep? Did he go home and act like nothing happened to make sure Libba and Casper didn't worry? Did she see right through his tough-guy act and pester him to tell her the truth, lecturing him about keeping my secret, well, a secret from me? Is he staring at his phone's wallpaper that holds the same photo, thinking that I hate him?

I look at my wallpaper again; at the picture of the two of us that makes my heart pang. Can I wait until morning to talk to him? Without letting myself overthink my actions, I unlock my phone and find his name in my texts.

Me: West, are you awake?

I suppose it's selfish of me to text him in the middle of the night as though nothing happened between us earlier; with nothing but a mere 'hey, u up?' text in essence. But I can't hold off until morning. All I can think is what he must be thinking and I want to talk to him before either of us can spiral too far into our minds. And, as though he's in his room doing the same as me and staring at his phone, he texts me back almost immediately.

East: I'm awake...what's wrong? Are you okay?

I don't hesitate.

Me: I can't stop thinking about this morning. We need to talk, West.

From how quickly he texts back, I know he doesn't hesitate either.

East: I'm on my way.

---

Pacing back and forth in my room with my almost empty water bottle in hand, I go through my speech for the umpteenth time in my head. West should be here in the next few minutes. I just hope that the work my Dad and I put in all night to help secure my voice will be enough for me to get through my story to West.

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for him to say when he gets here. I don't know the magic remedy of words that will patch up the holes he left in my heart this morning or what he can say to reinforce the breaking wall of trust. All I know is that I need to hear him out with a clear mind and that he's too important to me for me to give up on him.

However, a few minutes go by and West still doesn't show up. I stop pacing and reach for my phone, hidden among the dark mess of pillows and blankets on my bed. When I tap the screen, I expect a text from him saying that he changed his mind and doesn't want to come all the way out here in the middle of the night to see me. And if he did text that, could I blame him? For starters, it's only 18 degrees outside and is well after 2 o'clock and second, does he even want to see me after the way I treated him this morning? My screen lights up and shows nothing but the picture of the two of us. No text, and somehow that makes it worse. For all I know, he fell asleep after replying to me.

I sit on my bed, feeling it shake slightly from how dejectedly I sat down. With hunched shoulders, I hold my phone in my hands and stare blankly at the screen waiting for some sort of sign that he's still on his way to me. Ten more minutes go by and still nothing. I know the drive isn't longer than twenty minutes, and we are nearing forty. The numbers on the screen change from 2:20 to 2:30 and continue on; still no sign of West.

Finally, I hear a light knock at the front door. I glance down at my phone again, expecting a text from West to let me know he's here, but there's nothing there. I know it's him though, so I rise from my bed and make my way to my bedroom door. But then I stop. I was anxiously awaiting his arrival, but now that he is actually here I find myself too afraid to face him. He could barge in and start yelling at me for the way I acted, or he could say the opposite of what I need and the cracks in my heart could split open even more.

I'm only pulled out of my ridiculous thoughts when I hear a different set of footsteps down the hallway and I quickly open my door. I see my Dad, wrapping his robe around his pajamas to hide from the chill in the air, walking down the steps. I hear a string of curse words under his breath, muttering about who the hell would knock on their door in the middle of the night. I didn't even think that West's arrival would wake anyone else, but I suppose my Dad is a lighter sleeper than I thought. Panicked that he will turn West away, I follow after him and reach the top of the steps just in time to see him swing the door open.

West stands on the other side, looking handsome as ever despite the way his hair is messed up from his lack of sleep. From here I can see the darkening circles under his eyes, his reddened nose from the winter air, and his pajama pants; Spongebob themed. I can't help but smile. Casper must have gotten them for him at some point and I find myself admiring him even more for the fact he's not ashamed to wear them. He's the only guy I know that could still look so authoritative, so strong and powerful, with something so childish on.

"West? What the hell are you doing here, kid?" Dad asks, voice groggy with sleep.

West throws his hands in his jacket pockets, visibly shivering from the freezing air since Dad hasn't stepped aside to let him in. The chill is blowing past the open door and into the house, reaching me where I stand at the top of the steps in nothing but pajama shorts and one of Toby's t-shirts that's way too large for me. 

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake anyone up."

"Well, knocking on the door at nearly 3 o'clock in the morning would wake anyone up. What are you doing here?"

"My phone died on my way here. Otherwise I would have just texted Raine. She asked if I could come and talk."

Dad stares at him for a few moments and then runs his hand over his face as he sighs. "Let me get this straight. Raine, who didn't even wake up to come down here and open the door, supposedly texted you in the middle of the night to just... come over and talk the same day you left her crying on the floor?"

That makes both West and me wince. He drops his eyes to the ground and suddenly his strong presence drops to one of shame.

"I never meant to do that, sir. But she did text me. I promise I'm not just randomly showing up on your doorstep."

"So, you drove over here in the middle of the night just because she texted you?" Then he pauses and glances behind West, nose turning the same shade of red as West's as he exposes it more to the cold air. "Where's your Jeep?"

West follows Dad's line of sight and sighs, shifting his hands further in his jacket pockets.

"My car wouldn't start; I guess the battery is finally too old to deal with the temperature drop. I Uber'ed here, but I didn't have enough money for the whole fare and had to get dropped off a few minutes back. I walked the rest of the way."

My heart pangs and guilt blankets my entire body, making me shiver from more than just the air racing into the house from the open door. I should have just waited until morning to text him, but of course I was yet again being selfish and wanted him to come now.

That makes Dad jump into action and within seconds he practically pulls West inside and shuts the door, blocking the cold out. "Are you crazy? It's freezing out there! It's one thing to even think about driving over here so late, but you walked?"

West nods as he tries to get warm, taking his hands from his pockets to breathe life back into them.

"Why?" Dad exasperates, staring at West as though he's literally gone insane.

"Because she needed me."

Dad sighs and lifts a hand to his forehead, rubbing his temple with his thumb.

"West, I don't even know if she's awake. And after a day as emotionally exhausting as today, I don't think it's the best idea to go wake her and-"

I quickly bound down a few of the stairs to make my presence known, and Dad cuts himself off from the sound of my feet on the creaky steps. Both of their heads snap towards me, but I keep my eyes on West. His body straightens when he sees me as though he forgot he was trying to warm up. His brows furrow as he stares at me, guilt taking over his features as I'm sure he thinks back to this morning.

"Raine? I didn't think you were up... Did you text him to come over?" Dad asks.

Without taking my eyes off of West, I nod.

"And this couldn't wait until morning?"

I shake my head.

Dad sighs and shakes his head, lifting his hands slightly as if to say 'okay, I don't get it but whatever.'

"Alright then. You two talk. I'm going to be in my room, which is right next to hers by the way, if you need me. Come get me when you're done and I'll give you a ride home West, okay?" He says, looking between the two of us.

We haven't broken eye contact, but we both nod to at least let him know we heard him. He starts up the steps, West following, and I move back up to the top step to be out of their way. I walk towards my room and go in with West following after me. I gently push the door to shut it, but it stops and swings back open due to Dad's hand darting out to it as he walks by and to his own room.

Then it's just me and West. Standing an awkward distance away from one another, neither one knowing what to do with our hands, how to stand, or how to start the conversation. It's as though we are strangers standing here, and I can't take the silence.

"I didn't mean to make you walk here," I say, my voice coming out tentative and hoarse. "We could have waited until morning."

West's eyes widen slightly when I use my voice. I suppose he was expecting it to disappear just like it had after I yelled his name at the party. Then he shakes his head and takes a small step closer to me before he thinks better of it and retreats to his awkwardly distant spot.

"I only had to walk for about ten minutes, it wasn't so bad."

I drop my eyes to the floor and fiddle with the hair-tie on my wrist. "I just...I needed to talk to you, West."

"I know. I needed to talk to you, too. Sunshine...I am so sorry. I couldn't stop thinking about what you said all day, and you're right. It wasn't fair of me to use your secret. I should never have done that, I'm sorry."

I meet his gaze again, flinching from the pain in his beautiful brown eyes. I swallow hard, praying that my voice will hold out for everything I need to say tonight.

"Why didn't you tell me that you knew sooner?"

"I didn't know how. There were a few times I wanted to come clean, but I was scared to lose you. I was scared to ruin what we have between us. I never felt like there was a right time, and trust me I was looking for one, but when one never came... I thought maybe it was best to wait and let you tell me on your own terms. But then, after last night, I knew I had to admit it."

I close my eyes for a few moments, hanging onto his every word and forcing myself to actually listen instead of clamming up and getting defensive. And, instead of feeling anger bubble up inside of my chest, I feel my heartbeat stay steady. I understand. How do you tell someone you know their darkest secret?

"Toby told me about the stuff you said to Warren that day in the hall," I admit.

West's eyes widen slightly and I put it together that he never knew Toby overheard him.

"What did he tell you?"

"Everything you were trying to tell me this morning. That you were only trying to protect me and never would have gone through with the threat."

He instantly shakes his head, eyes pleading that I actually do believe that.

"I swear, Raine. I would never have told a single soul. Doing that would have meant losing you. Hell, even threatening it might have still meant losing you," he admits, voice nearly catching at the end.

The breath gets sucked out of me when I notice the glossy tears in his eyes. Suddenly, all I want to do is close this distance between us and throw myself into his arms and reassure him that he hasn't lost me. Before I can even move a muscle though, he continues.

"I just thought that if I told that to Warren, then he would leave you alone. And as for the part that was for my benefit... that wasn't my goal when I started talking to Warren that day. All I planned on doing was keeping him away from you, and after I did that, I remembered that my own ass was on the line and threw myself in there. I know that's no excuse and it was wrong nonetheless, but I need you to know that you were my first intention."

"I believe you," I instantly say, knowing that it's what he needs to hear and knowing that it's true.

His entire body seems to let out a sigh of relief, his tense muscles finally beginning to relax. He still seems cautious, aware that I still have more to say, but the hopeful glint in his eye would be impossible to miss.

"I-I was just so emotional and everything felt like it was crashing down on me. I felt like the trust I gave you was being broken and in result I refused to let myself see that you wouldn't have told the school what happened to me. But the whole thing..."

I trail off, trying to collect my thoughts. I reach for my water bottle and down the last few swallows inside, coating my throat to prepare for the next thing I'm about to say. Even earlier with Dad, I didn't talk this much. We kept it to a few sentences at a time, and I drank different concoctions in between to soothe the ache in my throat. I'm trying to ignore the burning, but it's becoming more and more difficult.

"The whole thing made me feel like you just wanted to fix me, West. I never want to feel like that. That's the whole reason things didn't work out with Kyle. He wanted to be the one to fix my voice; the one who could finally get the mute girl to talk. Aside from Alyse, Toby, Ty, and Gray...most people seemed to just want to try and fix some part of me. And then with you, I finally felt like I wasn't some girl that had anything wrong with her. It felt like you saw me for me. But when you told me you knew the broken side of me, our entire relationship got called into question in my mind. Every moment between us suddenly felt different, like it all was simply an attempt to help the girl you found out was raped."

Then, before I can go on, West takes a few confident strides towards me. I gasp when he stands directly in front of me, head lowered so that I can't avoid his serious gaze. When he speaks, his voice comes out strong and determined, so much different from the pleading, tentative tone he was using earlier.

"Let me stop you right there. Raine, I told you that from the very beginning I wanted to get to know you for you. I never tried to fix you because I never saw you as broken."

"But then you learned about the court case and-"

"And nothing. That didn't change a single thing aside from make me want to be there for you. You aren't broken, you are so incredibly strong and learning about the court case only opened my eyes to that. It made me admire you even more, Sunshine." 

Tears spring up behind my eyes and make them glossy. West notices immediately and his brows furrow worriedly. I shut my eyes and drop my head as I shake it slightly.

"I'm sorry, West."

"Hey," he says gently, which makes me open my eyes and meet his gaze. "You have nothing to apologize for, Sunshine."

"Yes, I do." I say, barely avoiding cringing hard at the pain it causes in my throat, "You opened up to me, told me about your past, and you were honest with me about knowing my story. And I repaid you by kicking you out and accusing you of so many things. It wasn't fair of me."

West shakes his head. "I deserved some of it, Raine. I knew you would be upset with me, but that was a risk I had to take because I couldn't keep it away from you forever. And I don't know your story. I only know what some idiots in juvie told me about a court case."

And then, with a pounding heart, I swallow away my fear and take a subtle, deep breath. The way he worded it this morning rings in my head, so I choose the same words he had.

"If you're willing to listen, then I'm ready to tell you my story."  

---

1/17/2021 - I wanted to include her story in this chapter, but I was already nearing 5k words and I didn't want it to become ridiculously long. But, the good news for y'all, is that that means I updated not one, but TWO chapters!