Trigger Warning: Scene that can be both alarming and disturbing. Read with full of awareness.

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Chapter 47

"Mommy?" Ayah seemed worried when she rolled down the window on her seat just to see me.

Aiden loosened his hug on me. I cannot look at him knowing how worse my condition is. I forgot to take my medicines, maybe the reason why I saw her this close today.

"It's okay." He kissed my forehead.

I nodded and looked down on my feet. I guess I will need another therapy, my condition seems getting worse especially now that Aiden's here by my side, the reason why . . .

"I want to go home." I said.

"Yeah. I'll take you home." He squeezed my arms.

My eyes remained on my feet. Aiden bended a little to catch my gaze and when I met his eyes, he gave me an assuring smile as he nod, telling me it's really okay.

I went home with Ayah. Pixie seemed worried but she cannot ask me a question by just the look of my face so she talked to Aiden. I'm sure Aiden will discover I have schizophrenia, a visual hallucination of my death mom.

I have ADHD, OCD, and Schizophrenia. How worse can I get, right?

Sometimes, I would question how I manage to stay alive even with my defective mind. I guess it was my daughter who gave me strength. I would always think, I need to live in order to shower her the love I didn't get to feel from my dad, the insufficiency of my mom because of her illness, that I want to stand as her mom and dad at the same time, believing she has never thirst for someone's love unlike her mother.

Just like my mom . . . I have mental illness too. But how did I manage to live like a normal one despite of the misfortune?

Maybe because they never treated me wrong even with my brain abnormality. Everyone around me let me feel I'm normal, that I'm a human like them, that I also deserve love and attention.

Mom? She never felt that. Everyone around her let her feel how crazy she is. How abnormal and how she doesn't deserve love. She got molded by her surrounding and even if I became a victim of her, I know she's also just a victim.

That's why I'm guilty.

"Can you tell me why?" He asked gently and brushed my hair with his fingers.

I looked up to Aiden. He was lying beside me while his left arm was my pillow. He lifted the comforter and covered my bare shoulder. Eyda and Ayah were already at school while we're both here lying on his bed. I guess we longed for each other that much that even if sun's still shining, we did it.

"But it's okay if you're not ready." He pinched my cheeks.

I don't know if he already resolved the problem with Eyda because based on their conversation yesterday, it doesn't seem like a fight that will end early.

"I guess I'm ready. My psychiatrist said it would be better to talk to someone about it." I sighed.

I met Aiden's sister earlier, he arranged an appointment for me and we had a CBT, I must say she helped me a lot about my condition.

After the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Aiden and I ended up on bed together.

"I'm listening."

I looked at the ceiling, reminiscing the accident.

"After you talked to me on the club's rooftop five years ago, I came back with a call that my house was on fire . . ."

I closed my eyes as those event started to linger in my mind.

I didn't even know how I managed to book a plane from New York to Canada with my cold hands and trembling limbs. It was painful I couldn't rush in, I couldn't even stay on my plane's seat, thinking of something bad while my tears kept on falling.

Please don't leave me, Ayah. Please don't leave your mother alone. Please.

"She survived." Pixie said with her bloodshot eyes.

I almost fell in relief when I heard that from Pixie. But when I saw Ayah's face, I cannot help but to sob at the sight of her face. It was burned . . . it was almost half and she kept on crying.

By the way Pixie looked at me, I already know who the culprit is but I want to deny it. I want to believe it's not real. I want to believe she can never do such thing.

But when she appeared in front of me, I got slapped by the reality that she really . . . did it. She has the guts to do it.

"Tell me you didn't mean it." I said with a hint of hope.

Mom looked at me coldly. I'm alone in the hospital's rooftop and my phone's on my daughter's hospital room, it's only me and mom here and I don't care if she'll kill me, I know for sure I . . . can hurt her out of anger.

"How dare you conceive another innocent baby in this hell!"

I scoffed in disbelief. Now she has the guts to get at me.

"No! How dare you do that to my innocent baby?!" I stepped forward her.

"She needs to die! I don't want my granddaughter to suffer!"

"She's suffering because of you!" My voice cracked.

"I need to kill you first then I'll kill her next. We should live a happy family in hell don't you think?" She smiled and grabbed the knife that was hiding behind her back.

I paled and stepped back. This is really happening. She can really do this to her own daughter.

"I'm crazy? I am! Who wouldn't be when you all made it look like I died in suicide?!"

"I-I didn't know!" I sobbed and stepped backward when she stepped forward.

"I died? I died?" She asked herself and laughed as if she's out of her mind. "I expected someone to cry for my death. I expected someone to mourn for my death body but you all just let me believe I'm nothing but a great relief when I died!" She shouted loud I flinched.

"Mo-Mom . . ."

"How dare you go to Canada and have fun while discovering I died? You were my daughter but you . . . you acted as if I didn't exist and my death doesn't fazed you." She cried.

"I-I—"

"Out of all people, you were the one whom I treasured so much. I thirst for you father's love not because of me but because I want him to see you as his daughter. I want him to at least look at you as a fruit of our love but he didn't." Her tears poured down as she looked at my eyes.

I couldn't speak while looking at her eyes. I could see how in deep pain she is and I'm regretting the fact I let her feel that way.

"I slapped myself. Beat myself. Made it look like I was abused by your father so that I can grab your attention or just your little . . . pity but you didn't. All you want me to do is ran away from you but I cannot do that because you're my daughter. I love you more than my life." She whispered as she sobbed.

"Mom . . . I-I'm so—"

"While everyone's celebrating for my death, I was alone in the white room, almost making me crazy by the silence as if I don't deserve to interact with others, no . . . as if I'm not human like them. It was prison, so painful." She shook her head as if the trauma's barging in her head.

"I didn't know . . ." I whispered.

"And now, the person I treasured the most feared me. She looked at me with full of frighten instead of love I want her to look at me. All I did was what I thought was right, all I did was what is best for you. Because this world is hell. This gave me hell, you don't deserve to be here. I don't want you to experience what I've been through just because of your illness." She looked at me in the eyes.

"Mom—"

"Can't you see it, Miracle?! The world's laughing at you because of your mental illness! They're throwing hate on you saying you deserve it when you are so precious! They see you low just because you didn't graduate! They look at you with full of judgement! You don't deserve to be with them, Miracle! You don't deserve their laughs!" Now she burst out.

"But my daughter . . ." I begged.

"They will only laugh at her when she grow up! They will only bully her! They will only look down on her!"

"No! Don't make it all of them, mom! Some—"

"Some will pity her! But they will never treat her normal! They're all the same!"

I shook my head and stepped backward when she stepped forward. I could feel the edge of the rooftop but I would rather die on my own than to consider my death was created by my own mom.

"Miracle, please come back to your mom, please?" She stopped moving.

"You will kill me." My tears fell.

"I won't. Please let me feel your hug for the first time?" She whispered.

I didn't move.

"No one has ever embraced me. I was alone. I grew up being abused, I grew up with no one by my side. I grew up without love. For the first time, can someone just embrace me when I need it?" She bowed her head and sobbed.

That struck me. Slowly, I stepped forward her as she sobbed. I don't know if I'm going to regret this but I never get to hug my own mom.

"Mom . . ." I hugged her with my trembling hands.

She sobbed hard and hugged me tight. I know this is what she needed the most but I wasn't vocal with her, I hated her believing she was abused by dad, I hated her for staying with us even with every bruises on her body. I only wiped her tears but never did let her feel the warmth of my embrace.

But I didn't get to move when she held my hand and I felt the dropping bloods on my cold hands.

"I want my . . . last day to feel this great." She smiled and stabbed her stomach once again using my hand.

I paled at the sight of the blood from my hands. I couldn't move, I was out of words as my body trembled in fear.

"I-I can kill everyone who . . . made you cry e-even if it's me." She wiped my tears with her fingers that was full of blood.

"Mom." I finally uttered and sobbed.

My clothes were now full of blood when she kneeled on the floor and coughed blood. I looked at my hands with my fast breathing, I'm holding a knife full of blood and I can't believe I was the reason why.

"Mom!" I kneeled in front of her and hugged her tight, covering the blood exploding on her stomach.

"I-I'm sorry for making you cry. I-I never want you to be in pain." She uttered on my ears, breathless.

"I-I'll call someone! Just wait!" My voice trembled.

I tried to stand but she held my hands and hugged me tight.

"Death is my friend. I-I'm glad someone embraced and cried for me before I closed my eyes. I love you my daughter." She whispered.

"No! You'll survive! You'll heal! I-I will now stay by your side so don't leave me! I-I'm sorry for everything I did! I-I'm sorry if I let you feel alone. I'm sorry, mom. Mom, survive please? I promise I'll make you smile, I promise I'd be a good daughter now."

But no one answered.

"Mom, I-I love you. I'm sorry if I didn't get to say this but you really mean to me. I'm so sorry." I hugged her tighter.

I felt so dirty. My body's full of her blood, my hands made her like this, my face has a mark of her blood, everything I see on my body feels so dirty with my own mom's blood.

For days, I was a suspect but as time goes by with their investigation, I became innocent.

No . . . it's because of my brother and dad's influence that I became innocent. I know for myself that I'm guilty because I'm one of those who made her like this, who mold her evil, who gave impact on her life to end up like this.

"I failed to give her the love and attention she needed." I said and opened my eyes.

"But in the first place, why did they make you believe she died?" Aiden asked curiosily.

"Jus said her mental stability is getting out of hand. They need to transfer her to a mental health hospital because her breakdown are dangerous. She's getting violent day by day, she even planned to kill my stepmom." I sighed.

"They could've told you about it."

I shook my head.

"Jus knew me. She knew I would make her escape when mom will try to beg me. I will actually if I were in the past. I would let her ran away rather than seeing her cry and beg in front of me."

"Why did you change Ayah's surname?" He jumped to that topic.

"Because I was in a mental breakdown when that happened. I thought mom was still alive and she'll hunt Ayah if she discover she's my child and she's still alive so I begged my brother to change her surname and he did for me."

"Then why is her name still Bercede until now? Did you purposely do that so I won't be suspicious?" He narrowed his eyes on me.

I rolled my eyes and covered my body with the comforter.

"Everyone knew I have a mental illness. In fact, I'm known as an actress who has illness. They create lots of rumors and faulty about me and I don't want Ayah to be known as a daughter of an ex-actress who has mental illness." I smiled sadly.

"I think that's something you should be proud of. Because of that, many admired you for being strong and unfazed. Reason why I'm still in love with you until now."

I glared at him but a stifled smile escaped my lips.

"Don't smile at me like that. I'm getting horny." He laughed.

"I'm still sore!" I turned my back on him to prevent it.

"I know." He hugged me from behind.

I just rolled my eyes when his hands started moving.

"I'll pick them up now." A whisper made me woke up.

"It's already time?" I yawned and sat on the bed.

I'm already wearing his oversized black shirt. My clothes earlier were folded neatly on the night stand. He nodded and kissed my forehead. He's already wearing a crew neck stripe shirt and khaki shorts, his hair are damp and he looks refreshingly as always handsome.

"Don't stare at me like that or else I'll—"

I gave him my middle finger and turned my back on him. He just did it once again earlier! After the conversation! And I think I'd be bedridden if he continue it!

He laughed and kissed my shoulder.

"I will marry you once I settle everything." He whispered before going out of his room, I stifled a smile.

I wish everything will continue this way.

But it wasn't.

"I hate them! I hate Ayah! I hate her mom! I hate you!"

When will everything feel peaceful?

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Celestial Aurora