Shehnaaz was sitting on the bed, her knees drawn against her chest. She looked so tired, so damn broken that Siddharth felt his heart crack audibly. Siddharth wanted to reach for her and pull her into his arms, cradling her like a child against his chest, showering her face with a million kisses at once just so he could hear the sound of her giggles. 

Fuck. He wanted to hide her somewhere no one could find her and just keep her safe and- and happy. 

"Shehnaaz.. tu aise mooh sada ke kyon baithi hai?" Siddharth asked. 

Shehnaaz looked up, her eyes were red-- too red for it to be considered normal. Siddharth felt like one wrong sound would break her into fits of tears. Tears that were on the brink of spilling out of her beautiful brown eyes. 

Shehnaaz shook her head weakly, plastering a smile on her face. It was so perfect that Siddharth almost second-guessed his judgment.

He would've believed her, if he didn't know her better. 

Siddharth realized that she was a master at masking her emotions. He felt his heart crushing under the weight of her faked smile.

"Uh, I am just tired." Shehnaaz's voice was breaking in places while she spoke. 

Siddharth couldn't exactly say that she was lying because she did look tired. She looked exhausted, but she also looked a lot out of her element and he knew why. 

It was the 18th day since Siddharth and Shehnaaz had come out of the BB house, one with a trophy in his hands and the other, with a huge number of blessings and the "title of the show" 

Siddharth knew that the "after BB" world was going to be different than the world that they were used to. It was a new beginning for both of them. 

They had quite literally stepped into a completely different world after their stint on the reality television show. They were now loved and adored. Her more than him. 

This was more of a fresh start for her than for him, because what she had gone through was much worse than whatever he had faced. 

Siddharth did have an idea of what was going on with his Naaz. He knew exactly why she was so upset and it made him hate every little thing about himself for being the reason for the state of her.

Siddharth walked up to her and plopped on the bed beside her. "So ja phir." 

"Hmm.. tujhe ghar nahi jaana kya?"

Siddharth shrugged. "Mein soch raha hoon kal saath mein jaayenge. Tujhe maa ne ghar laane bola hai.."

Shehnaaz smiled weakly. "Aise har week jaana accha nahi lagta yaar. Last time bhi tu utha ke le gaya tha mujhko na.."

"Toh kya hua yaar. Tu meri best friend hai aur bombay bahut naya hai baba tere liye."

"Mohali bhi tha kabhi mere liye naya.. manage ho gaya tha. Yahaan bhi ho jaayega. Vaise bhi.. meine flat ke liye baat kar li hai.." Shehnaaz responded softly. "Aur acche dost har hafte nahi milne aate hai.."

"Mein le kar jaa raha hoon tujhe. Meri maa ne specifically mujhe bola hai ki sana ke bagair ghar nahi aana. Tujhe kya hua hai yaar?" 

Shehnaaz sighed. "Yaar abhi nahi please.. mein pata nahi kya bol rahi hoon, pata nahi kya.. kya soch rahi hoon.. mera dimaag ghooma hua hai abhi.. tu ghar ja please mein khud se aa jaaungi kal subaah-- ya call kar dungi." 

Siddharth shook her head. "Mein ruk raha hoon." 

"Siddharth, seriously for heaven's sake leave me alone." Shehnaaz said firmly. 

"Toh pehle apni dikkat bata.." 

"Dikkat kya hogi Siddharth. I'm just very tired and for a change I don't want to be surrounded with anyone. I just want to be alone." Shehnaaz responded irritated. 

Siddharth smiled. "Don't try to lie to me again, you understand? I can see right through you!" 

"No you can't. No one can. You are nothing special. You are just a freaking friend to me. Tu hi toh saari duniya ko kehta hai na.. so then stay firm to your words. Ek pal kucch.. dusre pal kucch aur.. mujhe nahi samajh aata aisa behavior yaar! Ya toh dost mat bol, ya dost ki tarah se reh. Dost aise aadhi raat ko hotel room mein nahi aate.. dost.. dost har hafte ghar nahi lekar jaate.. dost--" Shehnaaz finally broke into fitful tears, sobbing quietly. 

It was not the way he had seen her cry, when they lived in that house. That was screaming, crying, tears but now.. right now he could barely hear her suppressed, quiet sobs. 

It made him feel like a stranger to her. As if, she was trying to hide a part of herself from him. 

"Shehnaaz.." Siddharth's hand shook as he reached for her. "Mein.. ro mat meri jaan please." 

Shehnaaz curled into herself, trying desperately to calm down. He didn't need to see this. "I'm okay.. I'm-- don't worry." 

"Baby I can't do that. Tu dost-- tu meri jaan hai. Tu meri-- baby please meri taraf dekh ek baar." Siddharth cupped her face, trying to wipe her tears. 

Shehnaaz let him guide her face upwards to meet his eyes. "Tu.. jaa yaar Siddharth. Mein theek hu. Yeh sab pehli baar nahi ho raha hai. Tujhe nahi pata kya ki mera kya rehta hai.. mein toh hu hi pagal!" 

"Tu chahti kya hai?" Siddharth asked, "Kya bulwaana chaahti hai.. kya karna hai?" 

Shehnaaz looked away. 

"Kya.. kyon aise upset hai? Kyonki mein har interview mein tere baare mein poochte hai toh seedhe se jawaab nahi deta? Dost bolta hoon tujhe? Toh tu bata na kya bolu? Biwi? Girlfriend? Kya??" Siddharth asked irritated. 

Shehnaaz shook her head. 

"Mein nahi bol sakta yaar duniya ko.. mera dimag nahi chalta vaise. Mein nahi bata sakta kisi bhi aire-gaire ko kay tum kya ho meri.. tum samajhti kyon nahi ho!" Siddharth asked softly 

"Kya samjhu Siddharth..?" She asked. "Kya hoon tumhaari mein?" 

Siddharth sighed. "Shehnaaz.."

"Use words. Samjhao mujhe. Mein bevakoof hoon. Mujhe explanation chahiye." Shehnaaz said firmly. 

"Darling.."

"Mein bahut thak gayi hoon yaar.. yeh 'bina bole pyaar hai samajh jaao' waale expectations se. You love me? Own up to it. You don't? F*cking leave! Abandon me. Leave me alone!! I have been left alone before. You aren't the first one and certainly won't be the last one." 

"I know tu duniya ko batana nahi chaahta.. I understand that. Mera problem yeh hai, ki tu mujhe bhi kucch nahi bol raha hai, even I don't know what you think or feel or.. I can't work without words, Siddharth. I need words. I need assurance because I am in love with you and people keep telling me that I am delusional. I am starting to believe it. I need clarity. I need a yes or a no uske alawa teri diplomacy mere palle nahi pad rahi hai!" Shehnaaz was shaking with sobs and anger. 

Siddharth wanted to pull her into his arms, but refrained himself. He needed to hear her out first. She needed to let all of this out.

"Mera na.. samajh ka quota poora ho gaya hai. Mere maa-baap ne kabhi mujhe nahi bataya ki mein unke liye important hu ya nahi. Kabhi aise nahi bola meri family mein kisi ne mujhse ki woh pyaar karte hai. Mein samajhti hoon, Maa baap hai mere. Unka khoon hu mein. Bolte nahi.. par pyaar toh karte honge na.." 

Shehnaaz wiped her tears, sniffing against the back of her palm. 

"Mein na.. bahut samajhti hoon. Kisi ko mauka nahi deti ki koi problem aaye unko meri taraf se. Mein sabke aage jhuk jaati hoon. Rishte sambhaalne ke liye.. jode rakhne ke liye. Sab ko jita deti hoon, sab se.. haar jaati hoon. Tu mujhe jita de, tu mujhe samajh na.. please.." 

"Mujhe nahi chahiye ki tu poori duniya ke saamne mera haath pakde.. mere saath chale.. mujhe I love you bole.. mujhe bas chahiye ki tu akele mein mera haath pakad ke.. ek baar.. bas.. bas ek baar meri taraf dekh kar sacchai se.. mujhe bata de ki tu mujhe pyaar karta hai ya nahi." Shehnaaz said softly.

Sidharth watched her as she wiped her tears again. What was he doing to her?

"Tu jaanta hai, mai bacchi hoon, tu ne kaha tha humaari duniya alag hai aur.. shayad yeh sach bhi hai, par mai uss duniya me kaise rahoongi jahan tu nahi hai?" She asked him innocently. "Tere jaisa pyaar, tere jaisi kadar— tere jaisi izzat.. kahan se laungi mai?"

She was breathing heavily and to some extent, Sidharth was scared. "Shehnaaz.."

"Teri ek haan, mujhe zindagi de degi, par teri naa kucch nahi badlegi, Sidharth. Sach me— kasam se. Agar tu pyaar nahi karta.. agar tu sirf dost samajhta hai toh bhi mujhe bata de.. kyonki tera dost rehna bhi mujhe manzoor hai. Mein.. kar loongi. I swear. Mein nikaal dungi apne dimaag se yeh pyaar wyaar sab.." She promised him. "It will take time, magar mai kar loongi. Sacch me.."

Shehnaaz broke down completely, and Siddharth gathered her in his arms, rubbing her back and kissing her head. He didn't say anything. He didn't ask her to calm down or stop crying. He just let her be. 

He loved her. Of course he did. How could he not? She was his sanity. His everything since the day he had met her for the first time. He just didn't know that he was hers too, just as much. He had always said that actions speak louder than words but sometimes, words are the only thing you hear. He just didn't realise that she needed an assurance of his feelings so badly. 

"I can't lose you. I can't.. tu family hai.. meri mein bikhar jaaungi tere bagair Siddharth. Mein marr.." 

"Chup ho jaa.. chup meri jaan, aise nahi bola karte baby. Galat cheez nahi nikaalte hai apne muh se.. haina? Mein kaheen bhi nahi jaa raha meri jaan.. nahi jaa raha. Yahan hi hoon, tere paas." Siddharth whispered soothingly to her. 

Siddharth's heart broke on seeing her that way. This was not what he had wanted. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to enjoy this stardom and this love that she had worked so hard to achieve and think about everything else, including love, relationships and him, later. 

There was plenty of time for that!

He had forgotten that her priorities were different. Her priority was him. It was always going to be him!

"Dekh.. mein phir se.." Shehnaaz spoke in a cracked whisper, "phir se tujhe aise force.."

Siddharth shook his head. "No. No.." Siddharth whispered against her ear, quiet and soft. "Look at me.. look at me Shehnaaz." 

Shehnaaz looked up, to find his eyes full of tears. "Tu ro rahi hoti hai na.. jab, toh mann karta hai duniya ko jalaa ke raakh kar du. Mat roya kar na baby. Lad-jhagad mujhse.. pyaar se samjha, gaali de kucch bhi kar, par iss tarah royegi,  pareshaan hogi toh— mera dil toot jaayega na. Tu sad hogi, toh tere andar jo mera dil dhadak raha hai, usse dard hoga na." Sidharth asked softly. Shehnaaz looked up, startled.

"Teri hasi, tera bachpana.. teri pagalpanti, yeh sab mera sukoon hai, meri saans hai, Shehnaaz! I have been in relationships, but jo tere saath hai na vaisa kabhi kisi ke saath nahi tha. Teri ek-ek baat se jitna farak padta hai, kabhi kisi ki baat se nahi pada. Tere saath saari zindagi.. saari zindagi ek pal mein jeene ko mann karta hai, aur kabhi lagta hai ki koi ek pal, saari zindagi na beete. Shehnaaz.. yeh jo bhi hai na, pehle mere saath kabhi nahi hua. Tere jitna pyaar, kisi se kabhi nahi hua. I never want to hurt you baby. Tu wajood bann gayi hai mera. I have always thought that words aren't important but I realise that sometimes, words are the only thing that can keep you going. I'm sorry that I didn't realise sooner. I'm sorry that I-"

"Don't apologize."

"I need to, baby. Mujhe jab zaroorat hoti hai, apne paas, apne saath paata hu mein tujhe. Bina kucch bole har baat samajh jaati hai meri. Mera chehra dekh ke mere mann ka haal bata deti hai tu aur mein.. mein yeh tak nahi samajh paata ki tera mann kya chaahta hai." Siddharth sighed. "Tujhe samajhne ki koshish hi nahi ki mene. Bas apne hisaab se sochta gaya."

Shehnaaz smiled, kissing his throat. "Tabhi toh tu gadha hai."

Siddharth chuckled, joining his forehead to hers. "I'm sorry and I love you. I love you so much Shehnaaz kaur Gill."

"I love you too, and I guess I'm sorry too, tu mere saath time spend karne aaya aur mein aise.. kinn baaton mein lag gayi."Shehnaaz looked guilty.

"Aaj nahi hota toh kabhi aur hota, aur isse bhi zyaada problem hoti kyunki apparently tu phir apne ander sab chupa ke rakhne lagi hai.. smiles fake karne lagi hai. It never ends well, tujhe malum hai na. Tu mujhse baat nahi karegi na toh mein help nahi kar paaunga baby.. I'm oblivious like that." Siddharth said softly.

Shehnaaz nodded. "I get it."

"Chal abhi ghar chalein.." Siddharth offered.

"It's 12:30. Late ho gaya hai."

"Yeh bombay hai, chaubis ghante daudta rehta hai yeh sheher. Kucch late nahi hua. Apna hand-bag aur phone le, aur chal mere saath. Tera luggage mein kal mangwa loonga kisi ko bhej ke." Siddharth said, pulling her out of the bed. "Ab tu mere saath rahegi. Hotel se check-out kar lenge kal luggage aate hi."

"Siddharth aunty bhi pareshaan ho jaayegi bebu.. kya kar raha hai!"

"Woh meri Maa hai. The Siddharth Shukla ki. Unko koi pareshaan nahi kar sakta, mere alawa mai pareshaan hi toh kar raha hoon na?" Siddharth asked rhetorically. "Either way, she'll be happy you finally agreed to come home permanently. She's been pestering me to talk to you since the day of the finale."

"She is?"

"Yes baby.. now come on. Nahi toh utha ke leke jaana padega."

***

I wrote this.. almost days after bigg boss. There may be things that trigger you, please forgive me for that. I hope you would like this one!

Let me know what you think in the comments below.

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