"If only I could go back when I, I was me."

Warnings: Angst

Words: 706

-/-

Josh had changed.

Simon couldn't describe it, but he had.

Simon noticed the change in Josh the second it happened. He didn't say anything, thinking that it was only temporary. But the more it happened, the more change had come, the more he wanted to speak up.

It first started a year into their relationship. They were young, and dumb, but they were absolutely in love with each other. Everyone saw that. Everyone saw the looks Josh gave Simon and when he wasn't looking Simon would give the exact same look.

 They went everywhere together; to a restaurant even if it was just to pick up food and take it home, to the bar, and if they were not with each other they always texted each other to let them know where they are.

That was when Josh got sick.

Stage 2 lung cancer, is what he was diagnosed with. At first everyone was very supportive of  Josh, with Simon being the #1 supporter. But then, as the year went by, then 2, then 3, and they saw Josh wasn't getting any better, The number of people dwindled. But, Simon always was there.

He always helped Josh with his breathing, with diets to take, and brought him to chemo every time.

But everyone knew, Josh had changed. It wasn't just that all of his hair, even his beard, was gone, it was himself. 

He had given up on himself, and it was clear as day.

But, Simon stayed positive.

"You got it, Josh." Simon cheers as he lifts Josh up into the wheel chair where his breathing tubes are. Simon quickly put the little tubes around him to his nose so Josh can adjust it against his nose. "Alright, come on lets go, love. Another step to beat this thing." Simon started wheeling Josh to the door when all of a sudden Josh told Simon to stop. "What's wrong, love?"

"I-I can't do this. Simon, it's pretty clear who's winning when it comes to this disease. It's been 3 years, Simon. 3 fucking years. And we're on the verge of going into stage 3 and me dying and I can't do this anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore." Josh finally spilt and Simon was speechless.

Suddenly, he squatted down to Josh, and opened up his phone. He showed him the picture of them on his screen. They were at a theme park, which they didn't really care for, with Simon on Josh's back and they were both smiling at whoever took the picture. Most of all, they were smiling for each other. 

"Josh, this is you. You're lovable, funny, a goofball, you're everything I've ever wanted. You're more I could ever ask for. And maybe this thing is holding you down from doing the things you wanted to do, but you're still you. And I love you-"

"You're in love with the old me, Simon. I see the way you look at me. You pity me. I'm not the person in that photo any more. I can't go back to who I was. It's not me anymore." Josh shakes his head as tears threaten to fall down his face.

"I'm really sorry you feel that way, Josh. But I really do love you, because I know however much this cancer takes from you you're still you. And I love you so much." Simon pauses to see if Josh says anything, but when he doesn't Simon stands up. "Come on, let's beat this thing."

-/-

It's just another day 

It's just another year 

"One step at a time", they say 

"One trip, and you're back that way" 

I don't recognize these eyes 

I don't recognize these hands 

Please believe me when I tell you 

That this is not who I am 

If I recover, will you take me back again? 

I'm just another, trying hard to fit right in 

But my photographs remind me of who I used to be 

If only I could go back when I, I was me 

-/-

Sorry if it's so short, if you want me to do a part 2 let me know:)