chapter twenty one.
he loves you.

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I listened to Edwin's voicemail much later into the night, when my entire house was silent and the rain was still falling heavily outside my window. I wanted to hear his voice, but I just wasn't ready to actually talk to him and explain what was going on.

"Hey...are you okay? I've texted you multiple times now and you haven't replied. I—I mean you're not obligated to respond or anything, I'm just...worried about you. We don't need to talk if you don't want to. Boundaries and all that. I just need to know if you're safe. Your dad, he scares me, you know? I don't know what I'd do if he...did something to you. I'm sorry for rambling, just please let me know somehow if you're okay. I really love you, and I hope you're alright. Bye."

My eyes teared up as I listened, partially from how sweet the message was but also because of how guilty I felt. He was worried sick about me all day and I couldn't even do the bare minimum of opening his voicemail and listening to it.

I quickly opened my text messages and typed out a long text to the boy. I was glad he wasn't pressuring me to talk to him if I didn't want to, so I didn't feel as bad about leaving him out of my problems and dealing with it entirely by myself.

Kyran: hey. i listened to your voicemail just now, and i'm sorry for not reaching out sooner. i wanted to let you know that i'm okay, i'm not mad at you, and i will tell you what's happening soon. i'm just not ready to talk about anything right now. i need to sort through my own feelings first before i dump a whole load of negative stuff all over you. i know you probably want to help but i'd prefer if i didn't use you as a therapist or something because you're my boyfriend and you do not need to have that sort of heavy weight on your shoulders. thank you for caring so much about me though. i love you so much. i will text you again soon.

Edwin replied almost immediately, as if he had been on edge waiting all day for a text from me (which he probably was).

Edwin: okay i'm glad you're okay!!! and take all the time you need. just know that i'm always here. i may not be able to help you with everything but if you need to rant or vent about anything, don't feel scared about doing it to me.

Kyran: ❤️

Edwin: ❤️

I put my phone down and stared at my wall late into the night, until the rain slowed down, the sun began to rise, and I heard birds chirping outside my window. I looked at the light filtering past my curtains, casting a dim shade of greyish blue all over my room.

My mind was blank. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. I knew that things likely wouldn't change for the better, at least not any time soon. I knew that I needed to put some distance between Edwin and I, as painful as it seemed. He and I had just gotten together, and either way, he was my best —and only—friend. I didn't want life to go back to how it was during the time the boy was mad at me and I spent all of my time alone. I didn't do well when I was lonely.

I flipped onto my stomach and fell asleep, too tired to stay awake much longer.

In the morning, I checked my phone and groaned when I realized it was nearly four pm and I had missed the entire school day. My stomach was growling horribly, my head was pounding, and every inch of my body ached. I stood up, feeling wobbly on my feet, nearly falling over when black dots came over my vision briefly before disappearing. I sat back down on my bed and breathed in and out slowly, trying not to vomit due to the nausea washing over me.

After a few minutes of gulping down some water, I slowly stood up and looked out the window, relief flooding me when I saw that the cars in the driveway were gone, which meant my parents weren't home.

I crept downstairs, trying not to feel guilty about missing school. I never did, mostly because I knew my parents would never let me stay home unless I was literally dying. But, because they never really cared to check on me in the mornings, they didn't really know the difference.

I put a few pieces of bread in the toaster before shovelling chips in my mouth, my hunger making me too impatient to wait for the toast to finish cooking before eating. I spread peanut butter on jelly on both slices as fast as possible before heading back up to my room, toast and a bag of chips in hand.

Because mostly everything at my school was online, I opened up my phone and began working through some assignments I missed that day. My dad was incredibly strict about my grades, so I knew that I needed to get the missing assignments done immediately before I fell behind in my classes and my grades dropped.

Within the hour, my heart dropped when I heard the familiar sound of my front door opening and loud footsteps downstairs. I hid the chips and empty plate under my bed, knowing that food wasn't allowed in my bedroom, and tried to act normal and calm as the footsteps grew closer—climbing the stairs, coming down the hall, and stopping outside my door.

The door flew open, revealing my pissed-off looking dad. I stared at him, panic flooding me as he stepped towards my bed, looking around my room as if he was suspicious of something.

His eyes finally landed on me. "Tell me why your school called telling me you didn't show up today." he asked, his arms crossed over his chest.

If it was even possible, I felt even more scared. I completely forgot my school's policy was that if you had an unexcused absence in one of your classes, your parents would be called at the end of the day.

"I slept through my alarm, I'm sorry," I explained to him, hoping that he would take it easy on me for once instead of blowing up and calling me nasty things, or worse—shoving me against the wall like he usually did when he was super pissed off. "It was too late to go to school at that point, there wasn't a bus to take me and you guys weren't home. I—I even did my homework that I missed already, so I'm not behind or anything."

My dad stared at me with a blank expression, as if he didn't know how to respond. It was strange—most of the time my dad would ignore all of my explanations and instead immediately begin to punish me.

"Okay, it's decided," he finally spoke, his somewhat cheerful tone catching me by surprise. "You're switching schools. I don't want you seeing that boy at all anymore, so you're going to stay home until we've got the paperwork figured out. I will call your school and you'll do all your work online now."

My heart was pounding viciously and my face flushed. "Okay." I said simply, hoping he would leave so I could sit by myself and process his words fully. Thankfully, he left my room quickly without another word so I could do just that.

Switching schools meant that I would likely never see Edwin ever again. I wouldn't have the chance to explain anything to him in person. I wouldn't get to see my favorite person every day anymore.

I fell back on my bed, my mind racing. Despite the shit with Edwin, at least I felt a bit of relief knowing that my dad wasn't incredibly angry at me anymore and I didn't have to wake up early and go to school for a while. Still, though, I would have rather been able to still see Edwin every day.

I decided that I needed to find a way to talk to him that wasn't over text or phone call. I racked my brain for ideas until I realized that I could easily just slip away from home with the work excuse, and my parents wouldn't know the difference since they had no control over my schedule.

I quickly put my earbuds in and hid in my closet to call Edwin, hoping he'd pick up immediately so I could talk to him briefly and decrease the risk of my parents walking in and catching me talking to the boy. Thankfully, he picked up within two rings.

"Hello? Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm fine, I just need to ask you something," I whispered into the microphone in the cord earbuds I was wearing. "Can you meet me at the park in like thirty minutes? I want to talk to you in person about some stuff."

"I mean, yeah, but wouldn't it be easier to talk at school or something?" he wondered. "You didn't show up today. I was going to ask what happened."

"I know. I can't explain at school, I need to tell you now."

There was silence for a few seconds before Edwin eventually gave in. "Okay, one sec, let me ask Nathan if he can drive me," he disappeared for about thirty painfully slow seconds. "He said yes." My boyfriend announced once he returned. "By the way, we can just pick you up if you want, so you don't have to take the bus or something."

I pondered it for a moment before responding. "Sure, but park down the street, near the bus stop."

"What? Why?"

"I can't tell you right now. I promise I will, though."

Edwin seemed worried, but he obliged. "Um, okay. See you soon. I'll text you when we're there."

"Okay. Thank you." I whispered.

"I...love you, and I can't wait to see you." The boy said hesitantly. I could sense the worry clear in his voice.

I smiled. "I love you too."

After the phone call, I paced in my bedroom for several minutes, checking my phone over and over again, waiting for a text from the boy. He only lived like ten minutes away, so I knew he'd be there any second.

I felt a gnawing in my stomach when twenty minutes passed with no text, then thirty, then forty, and soon it was an hour and a half and I was texting and calling Edwin but he wouldn't pick up or respond to anything. I tried Nathan's number—same thing.

I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. So many horrible ideas about what happened popped into my head, ones that I didn't want to think about in fear of them becoming true. I was paranoid that my parents had something to do with it, or that Edwin actually hated me and didn't want to meet up with me at all. I couldn't blame him if that was truly how he felt; I was a weird, confusing mess of a person with way too many issues that he didn't need to know all about. He had enough problems of his own to worry about mine.

I told myself that I was just freaked out. I trusted Edwin deeply. He wouldn't pretend to hate me, it just wasn't like him. But whatever happened had to have been something bad, or else he would've texted me back. If nothing, then Nathan would have said something to me.

For hours I went back and forth between the different possibilities in my head until it was literally driving me insane and I couldn't handle it anymore.

I left my bedroom and went downstairs, hoping to distract myself with whatever was being cooked for dinner in the kitchen. I saw my mom sitting at the dining room table while my dad stood over the stove, mixing around something in a pot that I couldn't see from my angle in the room.

I was shaking once again. I never went downstairs willingly. Not since I was like nine years old. I much preferred my own company (especially with parents like mine), but I couldn't stand being alone with my scary thoughts anymore.

My mom glanced up from her phone to look at me, a puzzled expression coming across her face. Typically she'd have to call me down for dinner, but there I was, coming to the table to sit down across from her without having to be called. "Is something wrong?" She asked, catching the attention of my dad from the stove. He glanced over with that signature blank expression on his face.

"No, I'm fine," I told her, my voice soft. "I'm just very hungry."

My dad went back to the stove and my mom back to her phone, so I sat there in silence until the food was done, glad that my thoughts seemed to be calming down. I still felt incredibly uncomfortable sitting in the same room as my dad, but at least I knew he was in a good mood so he most likely wouldn't lash out at me or anything.

Dinner was weird. After I sat down with a bowl of noodles, serving myself last like I usually did, my parents began to converse over what school they were planning on sending me to. We couldn't afford to move suddenly, so I only had two other high schools nearby that I could possibly go to.

I should've been more upset by them discussing it, knowing that it would only lessen my time with Edwin, but in reality I was sort of relieved. My dad didn't seem all that angry anymore. My mom seemed less on edge. I knew that if I moved schools, there'd be a chance to make new friends and I'd never have to see Nadine or Dan ever again.

But then the guilt set in. Edwin would be entirely alone. I was his only friend. He'd have no one to talk to at all, no one to sit with at lunch. I imagined him eating a peanut butter and chocolate sandwich in a corner alone and my stomach turned at the thought. I didn't want to do that to him.

I really had no choice though.

"I'm thinking about Woodridge. They have a better football team," my dad was saying once I listened back into their conversation. "Kyran could join it. He needs something to do other than sitting in his room all day."

I tried not to physically show my distaste at the idea. I hated sports, and he knew it.

"Yeah," my mom agreed, though she didn't sound as convinced. She knew me better than he did, so I wasn't surprised. "I think that's a wonderful school, honey." She looked at me. "What do you think, Ky?"

I hated when she tried to bring me into their conversations. I knew it was just to make my father happy so that he didn't think I was some "quiet little bitch" like he used to say. Either way, it was frustrating.

"I'm fine with any school," I told them. "It doesn't matter to me."

Neither of them really acknowledged what I said and instead changed the conversation to something else. I just pursed my lips before swirling the noodles in my bowl around with my chopsticks, not feeling hungry anymore.

🌌

I stayed up till six am again, scrolling mindlessly through my phone and trying not to throw up at the anxiety that ripped through my body. My hands were shaking so bad, I had to sit up and put my phone in my lap because I could barely read the screen if the device was in my grasp.

I cried myself to sleep, so many thoughts swirling around in my head and making me feel so many awful things. I cried about Edwin, I cried about Nadine, I cried about Dan, about my dad, about my mom. I thought about the new school, and then about how much I missed Edwin's house. I remembered Jackson and his kindness to me, and how I would truly miss him too, even though we weren't really friends.

At eleven in the morning, I woke up to my alarm and started on my homework, still feeling tired and sluggish from staying up so late and sleeping only about five hours when I really needed like ten to function correctly.

This went on for nearly a week—going to bed at an ungodly hour, just to wake up a few hours later and work on homework. On Saturday morning while I was watching TV, my phone began to ring out of nowhere, scaring the living daylight out of me.

Nathan was what my screen read.

With a nervous pang in my stomach, I ran to my closet, earbuds in hand, and pressed accept. "Hello?" I spoke.

"Hey, Kyran, um," Nathan sounded exhausted, it was obvious in his voice. "Edwin, he...he's not doing well."

"What?" I asked immediately, panic already setting in. "What do you mean?"

"On Monday he started feeling really sick. Like, seriously sick. He's been at the hospital since then, and he's not getting better."

"Why? What's wrong with him?"

Nathan let out a shaky breath. "His kidneys are failing. He doesn't want to do dialysis. So there's—there's nothing they can do."

I felt tears spring into my eyes. It suddenly hurt to breathe. "But—can't they—aren't there kidney transplants?"

"I mean, yeah, but, Kyran..." The boy let out a sad, strained laugh. "The waiting list is incredibly long. He's been on it for years, and he's nowhere near the top. There's nothing we can do. None of us are compatible, so we can't donate ours. All...all we can do is just wait and see what happens, a-and make Edwin as-as comfortable as possible." He began to choke up at the end and fell silent.

"What about me?" I filled the silence with my question. "What if I'm eligible?"

"Kyran, I'm sorry. It isn't going to work."

"Why not?"

"You're sixteen. You have to be an adult, and either way there are so many other requirements for it. It's just not possible. I'm so sorry."

There was another moment of silence as I took in what he said.

There really isn't anything we can do.

"Can I visit? Is it—is it family only, or—?"

Nathan cut me off. "Of course you can come."

"Okay. I'll be there as soon as possible."

I hung up after the boy told me the address of the hospital, completely stunned. My entire body felt numb. My head was painfully silent. It seemed like every inch of myself came to an abrupt stop and I had no idea how to move forward from it. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to just sit there. I simply wished suddenly that I didn't exist.

I shakily stood up, ignoring the throbbing feeling in my throat as more tears threatened to fall, and got dressed in more presentable clothes before heading downstairs and slipping out the front door without interruption since neither of my parents were home yet.

I ran to the bus stop down the block, praying that the three o'clock bus would show up on time so I didn't have to wait there for any longer than five to ten minutes. I sat down on the bench, shivering in fear.

On the bus ride there, I pulled the hood of my jacket over my head and stared out the window, trying not to cry and attract the attention from the strangers sitting all around me. I wanted to be as invisible as possible.

I got off the bus along with a few others at the edge of one of the many parking lots surrounding the hospital. Dodging around a woman clutching her arm and grimacing in pain, I ran up to the entrance of the building and checked in as a visitor, thankful that there was no line to wait in.

Nathan collected me by the elevators as I was putting the visitor badge sticker on my shirt. He looked awful; his hair was a mess, there were dark circles under his red, swollen eyes, and his clothes were all rumpled. He cracked a very small smile when he saw me, but I could tell he didn't have an ounce of happiness within him to give me a genuine smile.

"Is he...awake?" I tentatively asked while the elevator rose higher in the building.

"Yes," Nathan told me. "But don't be surprised if he's sort of out of it."

I nodded.

"I'm just...so mad at him too," the boy continued. "He hasn't been feeling well for nearly a month, he just never said anything. And now he refuses to do dialysis, which would save his fucking life."

If it was even possible, I felt worse.

"Why would he not want to do it?" I asked as the elevator doors opened and we stepped into the hallway.

"He said he's just tired. And either way, once your kidneys are damaged enough, there's no reversing it, and since he put off going to the hospital for so long, he doesn't think dialysis would be worth it at this point. I don't know." Nathan replied as he led me across the tiled floor.

I didn't know what to say, so I fell silent.

We approached the door to the room that Edwin was staying in and I felt like I was going to break down into tears once more. The love of my life was behind that door, and he was dying. It didn't even seem real to me. I felt like I was looking through a foggy lens rather than out of my own pair of eyes.

I sucked in a nervous breath as I followed Nathan through the door and I spotted my boyfriend's body laying very still on a hospital bed, his black hair a mess, his glasses gone, and his skin blotchy. His eyes were closed, but I could see the steady rise and fall of his chest as we walked towards him.

His mom sat on a chair beside him, her hand clutching his wrist, as if she was feeling his pulse just to make sure his heart was still beating.

Her husband was on the small couch, looking down at his phone, a stressed expression on his face. Edwin's grandmother sat beside him, dabbing her eyes with a tissue while clutching what looked like a brown, beaded necklace between her fingers.

Mrs. Zepeda looked up at Nathan and I as we walked in. She and I made eye contact and I noticed that she almost looked relieved.

"Thank you for coming. He's been asking for you," she told me. I suddenly wanted to cry again. I blinked away the tears threatening to fall and stepped closer to the bed.

"Really?" I asked softly, looking down at Edwin's motionless body. I wished that he didn't look so drained, so worn down. All the color in his skin seemed to have disappeared, his cheeks were sunken in, and I could see large, dark circles under his eyes as if they were bruised. He's still so beautiful, I realized as I took in all of his appearance.

"Why wouldn't he ask for you?" The woman replied. "He loves you."

My eyes found hers. "Did he tell you? That we're together?"

She nodded, a smile crossing her face. She looked down at her son, still gripping his wrist while her thumb gently moved across his skin, back and forth. "The day he came home from the park. He was so excited," she grinned, tears in her eyes. "I had never seen him so happy before. Not in a long time, at least."

I stared at her as I thought back to that day at the park that she was referring to—when Edwin and I lied on a blanket and watched the stars until I worked up the courage to kiss him and confess my love for him. The memory brought butterflies to my stomach, followed by the urge to throw up when I realized that we would never be able to watch the stars together ever again. We would likely never do anything together ever again.

I took in a shuddering breath, no longer able to hold in my tears in front of the boy's parents. Hot tears fell down my cheeks and I pressed my hands to my face as I began to sob, completely breaking apart.

I felt arms wrap around me and for a moment I thought it was Edwin because of the small frame and height, but I realized quickly that it was Nathan, who had a similar body type to his younger brother.

"It's okay," he whispered, holding me tighter. "Cry as much as you need. I'm here."

And so I cried harder than I've ever cried before, everything within me smashing to pieces.

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