chapter nineteen.
doing our best.

•

We kissed for a long time. My hands eventually found and grasped onto Edwin's shoulders while he grabbed the sides of my face and pulled me closer. We stayed like this for a little while, making out until we needed to breathe and then going back at it frantically as if we were running out of time or something.

I didn't know how much time had passed before Edwin eventually pushed us apart as gently as possible, his hands still on my face and his round eyes glossy. "I think it was about time we did that," he laughed.

I laughed with him and sunk my head down onto his chest, my hair pressed into his neck. "Thanks for not pushing me away." I said.

"Why would I do that?"

"If you didn't like me, you would." I told him. "I didn't know how you felt. I just...felt that it was important to take that risk."

Edwin paused before saying, "Well I'm glad you did. I certainly didn't have the guts to do it. I mean, I was trying to confess to you, sorta, when I told you all that. I just didn't know if you picked up on it."

"No," I admitted. "Not really. But I just felt something well up inside of me and I knew that all I wanted to do was kiss you. It was like every cell in my body just wanted it. I don't know. That sounds stupid."

"Well, then that makes me stupid too because I felt that way as well."

We were quiet for another minute or so. I felt Edwin's chest rise and fall with each breath he took. I listened to his heartbeat. The boy ran one of his hands through my hair, eventually resting it on my upper back, a few inches below my T-shirt's collar.

It didn't take long before I began to cry. Edwin noticed immediately and wrapped his arms around me. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I just..." I felt stupid once again. "I don't want this to end. I wanna lay with you here forever, under the stars. I—I don't think I've ever missed someone before who was literally right next to me. Jesus fuck," I wiped my eyes with a free hand. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I miss you too, and you're in my arms. I wish I could hold you here for the rest of my life and shield you from all the bad in the world...your parents, school, your shitty minimum wage job..." I laughed at his words before he continued. "If I could, I would. But, you know what? At least we see each other every day at school, and we can hang out on the weekends. And summer is coming in like less than two months so we can do this every night if we want to. Just because right now won't be forever doesn't mean we have to be upset. We can relive now as many times as we want."

I nodded, tears—happy ones this time—still streaming down my face.

"Okay."

🌌

The following weekend without Edwin was excruciating. We sorta made it official after our kiss, so not getting to see my new boyfriend for a few days made my usual depressed mood feel even more depressing—and the worst part was, I couldn't even tell anyone about it. I was completely, utterly alone, aside from the few hours I got to call the boy and see his cute face.

On Monday I wrapped my arms around the taller boy's frame the moment I saw him. As I breathed in Edwin's comforting scent, he said, "Hello," and laughed lightly. When I pulled away to look at his face, he was smiling. "You're gonna have to hug me like that every day." he requested.

I mirrored his smile, grabbing his hand and squeezing it gently, just like something he would always do to me. "Maybe I will."

During my science class, Jackson talked to me again, catching me by surprise. Although we were seat partners, we didn't typically talk to each other much unless we had group work or something like that.

"You look a lot better today," he said to me after I sat down beside him. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah," I replied, setting my backpack on the floor. "Much better."

"That sounded sarcastic." Jackson commented, chuckling.

"No! No, no, it wasn't, I swear," I told him. "I've really just had a great weekend. That's all."

Jackson stared at me, twirling his pencil in his hand. "Why?" he finally asked, a sly smile appearing on his face. I felt my skin beginning to flush so I looked away from him.

"Nothing, it's just—nothing." I sighed before pulling my green science notebook out of my bag and opening it to the next blank page, trying to ignore the boy's stare.

"Hm," Jackson laughed again. "I think I know what that means..." he teased, clapping his hand onto my shoulder. "You, Kyran Lee, finally got some."

"Ew, no, it wasn't like that," I pushed his hand off my shoulder, trying not to break into a smile. "I just kissed someone. Okay?" I tried my best to seem pissed off, but it clearly wasn't working because Jackson just instead looked incredibly excited for me.

"Really?" he grinned at me, prompting me to say more. When I didn't he continued, "So, who was it? Do I know him?"

"Him? What?" Immediately all my playfulness dropped and instead I felt that icy cold feeling of panic making its way through my veins. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Jackson sensed that I wasn't messing around anymore and his grin wiped away quickly, replaced by a concerned frown. "I'm sorry, never mind, I didn't mean to assume anything, really, I just kinda thought you were, I dunno, like—"

"Please stop talking."

The boy looked incredibly guilty, and for a moment I felt bad for snapping at him like that when I knew he didn't mean any harm but I was more worried that other people would find out. Because if other people found out, that meant my parents would find out—and I'd rather die than have my parents find out anything about that.

"Are you...are you okay?" Jackson tried, gently touching my shoulder.

Holding back the urge to push him away and storm out of the classroom, I took a deep breath and looked his way. "Yes. I'll talk to you later. Alone. I'm not mad at you, just...I'll tell you later."

Jackson nodded vigorously. "Yeah, yeah, of course man, uh, lunch?"

I nodded as well. "Yes. At lunch."

Later, I decided to pull along Edwin with me to talk to Jackson; first of all because I didn't want to leave my newly-gained boyfriend all alone during lunch, and secondly, I was just a tad bit scared that Jackson wasn't the nice guy I thought he was and would do something weird to me. I knew it wasn't likely, but I didn't want to risk it either way.

Jackson was already waiting underneath the tree when Edwin and I arrived. He saw us approach and a weird look came upon his face, as if he had just realized something.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "So this is the guy you kissed, then! That actually makes a lot of sense."

Edwin looked uneasy and I felt the same.

"What do you mean it makes a lot of sense?" I asked, shifting my weight from one foot to the other.

"I mean, you guys hang out together all the time during school. It doesn't take much to put two and two together."

I fell silent, anxiety creeping up to me again. "Okay, well," I started, my voice shaking. "Just don't tell anybody. Nobody. It isn't safe for me, okay?"

"I wasn't gonna do that anyway, it isn't my business," Jackson replied. "Especially not now...and hey, what do you mean it's not safe?"

Even Edwin looked concerned. The two of them both looked at me, waiting for an answer.

"My parents would literally kill me if they knew I was dating a boy," I told him. "So do not spread it around. Please."

"I won't, I swear."

I knew Jackson for years—I didn't think he would ever do something like that. He wasn't an asshole striving for popularity from spreading shit around, so I trusted him.

"Thanks," I said. "And by the way, I'm not even gay like you're assuming. I don't even know how you came to that conclusion."

Jackson looked embarrassed. "Well, I guess I was just stereotyping you. Sorry. Typical straight guy here." he chuckled awkwardly. At least he's self aware, I thought. "Well, I'm gonna leave you two..." he smirked, "lovebirds alone, then."

I groaned. "Gross. Please go away."

"Okay! Sorry!" Still grinning, Jackson walked away, turning back for a moment to wave at us before jogging across the field.

"I'm worried," I spoke after Edwin and I sat with our backs against the trunk of the tree. "Jackson barely even knows me and he figured out we're together. Jesus fucking Christ." I buried my head in my knees, letting out a loud breath of air. "I'm so scared, Edwin."

"Why? I know you said your parents wouldn't like it if they found out we're dating, but...we can keep it secret. It won't be that difficult." Edwin said, wrapping an arm around me.

"But it's not fair to you," I told him. "You're not gonna be able to come over as much as normal couples, our families can't meet each other and share embarrassing stories about us at the dinner table. I don't want to have to be extra cautious around my parents all the time. They check my phone sometimes, you know. What if I forget to delete any trace of our relationship from it and they find out that way? I...I don't even want to have to erase everything constantly. All of it just fucking sucks."

Edwin didn't say anything for a long time. When I finally lifted my head up and looked at him, I was surprised to see a pissed-off expression on his face. He caught me staring and just sighed.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked, turning my body towards him.

"It's been three days and you're already giving up?" Edwin started. "The fact that you're not even willing to try and be together is just insulting. What was the point of us getting together then? Hm?" He stood up suddenly. "Listen, I don't care if we have to hide our relationship from them or anything. I get it. It's not a huge deal. But hearing you give up so easily on us when we haven't even really tried is hurtful. Very hurtful."

I quickly climbed to my feet. "Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," I told him. "I'm not giving up on us. I was just venting. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

My boyfriend's hands were shaking, so I took hold of one of them and forced him to stop pacing back and forth. "No, I'm sorry," he whispered.

"For what?"

His eyes were turning red and glossy, as if he was about to cry. "For getting so mad. I know you didn't mean it like that. You're just...so hard on yourself and so selfless that it hurts others sometimes. You think others aren't struggling but they are too."

"Oh."

"It's okay. It's just..." a tear slipped down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away with the hand I wasn't holding. "I guess...the reason why I'm so upset is that...I know that my health isn't exactly the best. I know that I could relapse so easily, at any moment. I don't want to waste any of the time we have left together. I want to try our best to have a good relationship, regardless of the issues we have. Obviously things won't be perfect, we won't be like every couple, most couples, but at least we'll know in the end that we're doing our best. That's all I want."

I wrapped my arms around his thin frame, nodding. "Yeah. Let's do that."

🌌

Edwin and I somehow made things work over the next few weeks, despite the struggles with keeping our relationship a secret from everyone. We typically hung out at his house as much as possible, but we didn't get much privacy due to him sharing a room with his brother.

Because of this, some days we'd take the bus to that large park we first kissed at and walk down a trail into the woods as far away from others as possible to either talk about our feelings and other deep topics or slam each other against a tree and make out like our lives depended on it.

In early May, the boy came over to my house for the first time since we got into a relationship. Although he had been at my house once before, I was still incredibly nervous.

"Hello, Edwin," my mother said as the two of us walked through the front door. It was a Friday and Nathan had just picked us up from school and dropped us off at my house. She smiled at him and for a moment I felt a deep sadness well up inside me, but I ignored it and instead focused on the conversation the two were having.

"Hello, Mrs. Lee," Edwin greeted. "How are you?"

"I'm good, thank you," she replied. "And you can just call me Melinda, you've met me before."

"Okay...Melinda." My boyfriend grinned.

I slipped off my shoes and led Edwin into the living room after the two finished talking. We set our bags down on a chair and plopped onto the couch a moment later.

"I thought you said your parents aren't typically home till like five." Edwin said, turning his body to face me.

I shrugged. "She got a new job a few weeks ago so she doesn't work on Fridays. At least my dad's not here yet." I added, a bit quieter.

"Yeah. I'm a bit scared to see him, honestly." Edwin admitted with a laugh.

"I don't blame you."

We moved to the dining room with our backpacks and began to work on homework together while we snacked on a box of cookies that Edwin had brought from his own house.

At five fifteen my dad came home from work, sighing loudly while he went through the refrigerator and took out a can of beer before leaving the room, not even sparing Edwin and I a glance.

"Weird," I commented. "He seems tired today."

"Where does he work?"

"A hotel, sorta. He just manages paperwork and stuff, I don't really know," I told him. "I don't really know much about him, to be honest. I guess I've never really asked, because...well, you know why."

Edwin nodded. "Yeah."

We moved to my bedroom a little while later, after we finished our homework and were free to do whatever we wanted. And, because Edwin was actually going to spend the night, we weren't on a time limit or anything which took the pressure off loads.

"Okay, so, I had an idea," Edwin was saying as he dug through his backpack a minute after I returned from the bathroom. I saw him flop a sketchpad onto my bed along with a few markers of various colors. "I know neither of us are particularly good at drawing, but I saw a video about this and I thought it'd be cute."

I sat down at the head of my bed and crossed my legs. "What is it?" I asked.

Edwin sat across from me at the end of the bed after pushing his backpack onto the floor, the sketchpad and markers in between us.

"So we start by drawing something for like two minutes and then we switch for another two minutes, back and forth until we've created an artwork," he explained. "We're not supposed to look at each other as we draw so that once we switch, it'll be a surprise and we have to think of something to add to the picture."

"Alright, that doesn't sound too difficult."

"It's not," Edwin replied. I watched as he ripped out two pieces of thick paper from the sketchpad and handed one to me, along with a few of the markers. "I'll go sit at your desk and start a timer. Draw whatever you want."

I stared at the blank paper for half of the time we were given. I wasn't a particularly creative person, so drawing something was much more difficult than it seemed. Finally, though, I resorted to drawing a sun in the corner of the page, since I knew I had to at least draw something in order to play the 'game' correctly.

When the timer went off and we switched papers, Edwin started laughing. "What?" I asked.

"This is just depressing." He replied.

"I'm not artistically talented, okay?"

"I'm starting the timer now."

I looked down at the paper Edwin gave me and saw a poor drawing of a car in red ink. I decided to draw a forest around it, since I had literally no other ideas.

Within the next twenty minutes, after switching our papers between us multiple times, we finally decided to call it quits when there was nothing else able to be added to either drawings.

Edwin joined me on my bed and we looked at the two pieces of papers covered in colorful marks.

The one I started with the little sun in the corner eventually turned into a chaotic underwater scene, with a giant purple shark about to eat a scuba diver, strange blue tentacles sprouting out from the sand at the bottom, and probably over thirty starfish infesting the water. Edwin had also given the sun some sunglasses and a little smirk, which had made me smile when I first saw it.

The second picture was more peaceful; a red car rolling down a road between a forest. The sky was covered in several different colors spreading across it. There was a black bear hiding underneath a tree. I think I liked that drawing the most.

"Well, for two incredibly shitty artists, I think we did pretty good." Edwin announced after a few moments, setting aside the drawings to my bedside table.

"Rude." I said, jokingly punching his arm.

Edwin grinned at me before leaning forward and wrapping his arms around my neck. "You know it's true, though." he snickered, staring into my eyes.

I rolled my eyes before responding, "Okay, well, then you're worse than me."

"Oh, we both know that's not true."

I began to laugh and I fell forward, catching myself by leaning my head onto Edwin's shoulder. He held me closer as my laughter died down until he was basically just hugging me. I wished I could stay like that forever but my crossed legs were beginning to fall asleep and my lower back was hurting, so I gently pulled away and instead locked eyes with the boy before moving in for a brief kiss.

"You are so cute," Edwin said after our lips disconnected a moment later. "Seriously. Catching me off guard like that. Jesus."

"Sorry for scaring you," I smiled. "I just couldn't resist when you were the one looking cute."

The sound of my bedroom door opening made both of us jump and Edwin quickly removed his arms from my shoulders as we both looked at the person who entered my room without knocking.

I felt dread pool into my stomach as I looked into my dad's eyes.

"Dinner." he said simply before walking away, leaving the door wide open.

Once I was sure he was downstairs and out of earshot, I muttered, "Do you think he saw?"

"No, no, of course not," Edwin assured me. "I moved really fast. Either way, friends hug each other, right? It's no big deal."

Still, I couldn't help but worry. "Maybe. I don't know. Let's just go downstairs and eat." I climbed off my bed, Edwin following suit before entering the hallway and descended my stairs and walked towards the dining room.

My dad was silent as we ate. My mom did most of the talking, mostly asking about Edwin and his life as well as talking a bit about ours. I cringed at how perfect my mom made everything seem, when things were far from it in our family. But of course, you couldn't go telling your son's best friend all of that—especially in front of the man who was the cause of most of the issues.

As I was listening to Edwin telling that Disneyland story again, I felt that familiar burn when someone is staring at you coming from my father's direction. I glanced up and met his eyes for only a split second before I looked back down at my food, anxiety rushing into me at lightning speed. I set down my fork, not really feeling hungry anymore due to the uncomfortable feelings swirling within my stomach.

After dinner, the two of us returned to my room and decided to watch a movie on Edwin's tablet again, just like last time he was here. I watched as the boy dug in his backpack and pulled out not only the tablet but a water bottle and a bottle of painkillers. He silently swallowed a few pills before opening up Netflix and looking over at me.

"What movie are you thinking?" he asked.

I pursed my lips, not knowing how to answer. I wanted to ask if he was feeling okay, but I didn't know if it was rude to say something or not. It wasn't like he was hiding it or anything, and I knew that any chronic disease comes with pain, but I just wanted to check up on him without it seeming weird and intrusive.

Fortunately, though, Edwin sorta caught my drift when I didn't respond.

"Oh. The pills. I'm okay, just not feeling the best right now." he admitted.

"I'm sorry," I told him. "We don't have to watch a movie or anything. If you wanna go to bed now so you can just sleep it off, that's fine."

"Nah, it's fine, don't worry about me. It's nothing I'm not used to."

I frowned. "You shouldn't have to be used to feeling pain all the time."

Edwin shrugged. "Well, it's my reality, so I just have to deal with it. Let's just watch a movie, okay? You don't need to worry about me right now. I'll be okay."

I finally gave in and pushed my worried thoughts aside. Edwin and I eventually agreed on an animated movie that came out a few years ago that neither of us had seen.

When it was over, my boyfriend grabbed his tablet before turning to me. "We can go to bed now. My head feels like it's going to explode." he let out an obviously forced laugh before moving to put the device into his backpack lying on the floor next to the bed.

I decided not to say anything else aside from "okay" because I didn't want him to think he was burdening me or anything. I stood up to turn the lights off and returned a moment later, my bedroom nearly pitch black aside from orange light from the hallway pooling into the room from the crack beneath my closed door. I turned to face Edwin in the darkness, the only sound being our soft breaths in the quietness of the night.

I heard a shifting and soon felt Edwin's arm sling over my hip, catching me by surprise. "Can I just...hold you close to me?" the boy whispered.

I nodded before realizing it was too dark for him to see me. "Yeah," I told him, trying to contain my excitement at the request. "Like, you wanna spoon me, or...?"

"Sure. I don't want you to suffocate otherwise."

So I turned away from the boy and immediately I felt him press his body against my back. He wrapped an arm around me and hugged me close. My skin felt like it was on fire due to our proximity, and I had to hold back from laughing due to how happy I was feeling, being held so tightly in his arms. My heart was beating much faster than usual and goosebumps rose on my arms and legs once I felt Edwin's warm breath hitting my neck from behind me.

We were silent for the rest of the night—Edwin fell asleep quickly, leaving me alone with my thoughts because there was no way in hell I was going to be able to fall asleep with the boy practically clinging to me for the first time ever. I wanted to savour the moment, live it as long as possible before he'd eventually be forced to pull away.

I realized then, that if I were able to lay in his arms for the rest of my life, then I'd be more than willing.

So I laid there, taking a hold of his hand and intertwining our fingers until eventually I fell asleep late into the night.

— — —

a/n;

i forgot to update on monday sry 😭